Fic: Alone? (1/1)
Alone?
Morgana sat solemnly, a silent tear leaving her eye. The ache in the pit of her stomach rose again, forcing her to hold back a scream. And there was no one to comfort her, no one who cared.
She seldom saw Gwen at night anymore; it had never been Gwen’s duty to wait around her chambers for her to wake up screaming in the night. She saw that look in her maid’s eyes; love. Something she felt she herself would never feel and that no one would feel for her. She saw the way that Gwen looked at the prince and the way that he looked in return and, though she wished them every happiness, she could not help but feel such jealousy.
Morgana curled up on the large window ledge, looking out at the courtyard below. She watched as a servant cleaned up the blood of an executed sorcerer, blood that could very well be running through her own veins. She wrapped her arms around her head, trying to forget the nightmare she’d just had. She started to rock back and forwards as the images of her own melting flesh flashed through her mind.
She felt the magic bubble away inside of her, making her feel so sick, “I don’t feel like me anymore.” She whispered to no one.
*****
As it reached the middle of the night, Morgana slowly moved down to Gaius’ chambers in search of Merlin. She held her arms tightly around her body, trying to make her quivering frame less apparent to those who walked past her. She entered the physician’s lodgings and was glad to find Merlin sat alone.
“Merlin?” her lip trembled.
Merlin stood up, “Morgana? Are you alright?”
Morgana burst into tears, an action she was not used to doing, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Merlin!”
“No, not at all. Sit down Morgana.” He led her to Gaius’ armchair, “Do you need to talk?”
She nodded, “Thank you. You’ve no idea how hard it’s been these past few weeks, not being able to talk to anyone.”
“Not even Gwen? I’m sure she’d understand.” He poured out two glasses of water.
She shrugged, “I don’t want to put her in any danger. Besides, she’s been fairly preoccupied recently.” She looked into Merlin’s eyes, looking for a hint of recognition.
“I… I don’t know what you mean.” He handed her one of the glasses.
Morgana smiled, wiping her tears away, “Thank you.” She took a mouthful and closed her eyes as the cool water rushed down her throat, “You’re a terrible liar Merlin, I do hope you know that.”
Merlin raised his eyebrows, “You know about… them?”
“I might do.” She teased, knowing full well that Merlin knew. She liked to see him sweat though; she was like her stepbrother in that way.
“Gwen and…” he didn’t want to spill the beans.
She grinned, “Arthur, yes.”
“I didn’t know that you knew!” Merlin exclaimed.
“Know? I’ve seen their wedding day for goodness sake!” she laughed playfully.
“Really? They get married?”
Morgana nodded, “She looked so beautiful.” Suddenly a melancholy look returned to her face.
“You came here to speak to me about something?” Merlin knelt before her.
Morgana opened her mouth to speak. She struggled to know what to say, “When… When my father died… I don’t think I had ever felt so alone. I’ve been thinking about that time so much recently.”
“You must still miss your father greatly.” He placed his hand on her knee.
She nodded, “Everything would be so different. I know that I wouldn’t be feeling like this, that’s for sure. I’d be able to confide in him, he’d comfort me. I wouldn’t be living in fear all of the time.”
Merlin didn’t respond. Sighing, he sat down in the chair beside her, “Once Arthur’s king, maybe things will be different.”
She smiled, “That’s the only thing that’s getting me through this.” Suddenly she felt the pain rise again. She clutched her stomach, willing it away.
“Morgana? What’s wrong?”
The pain encompassed her entire body, stemming from that spot in her stomach; she was in agony. She stood up, not able to sit still any longer. She fell into Gaius’ workbench, knocking off some of the equipment. Merlin ran over to the writhing girl and tried to life her up. Morgana screamed, wrapping her arms around her self, pulling at her exposed flesh, breaking the skin.
Merlin pulled her down, holding her in his arms. He rocked her back and forwards, “Sssshhhh, Morgana it’s alright, it’s all going to be alright.”
Her pain slowly subsided, just as it had done the last time and the time before, “I am never having a baby.” She whispered between tears.
Merlin stroked her cheek as he continued to rock her, “Are you alright now?”
She nodded, “I don’t want to move though. Lets just stay here.” She felt so peaceful now, as though nothing could go wrong when she was in his arms.
“What was that?” he asked
“I don’t know.” She closed her eyes, “It’s just this really intense pain. It’s my magic, I know it is.”
Merlin pondered this, “And how long have you been having this… attacks for?”
She shrugged, “Two weeks maybe? I’m not entirely sure.” she pulled Merlin’s arm around her waist, “I’m so tired Merlin; the nightmares and now this… the truth is… the truth is that I am struggling to cope.”
Merlin held onto her, “It’s alright Morgana, we’ll get you through this.”
And there they stayed until Morgana drifted off to sleep. Merlin looked down at the beautiful girl in his arms. He considered how innocent she looked in her sleep and how troubled she remained. She must not know the meaning of a good night’s sleep for she can’t have experienced one since she was very young. Of course some nights were better than others, but none were the same as any normal person’s.
“Merlin?” Gaius came up behind him, “What’s going on? Is she alright?”
Merlin looked up at him, “Not really.” Slowly he picked her up, being careful so as not to wake the sleeping beauty. He carried her through to his own bedroom, lying her down on his bed, “She should sleep here tonight.”
“What happened?” Gaius stood beside him.
Merlin moved out of his room, leaving the door open a touch so that they could keep an eye on it’s new inhabitant, “She came to me… she was scared, but it wasn’t the same has it normally is, she hadn’t just woken from a dream or anything. She was telling me how lonely she’s been when this pain started…it seemed to grow. She was in agony. It was terrible to watch. She says that she thinks it’s something to with her magic and that it’s been happening for about a fortnight.”
Gaius pondered this sitting back in his chair, “Her magic seems to be truly manifesting itself in her. I’ve never known it to cause such pain, but I have known few with the natural ability to do what she and you can do.”
Merlin sat down beside him, “It’s so unfair; it’s bad enough that she should have these powers forced upon her when she is so very close to the man who hates everything about them, making her live in constant fear, but to be in agony all of the time… it’s just so cruel. If only she could have stayed with the druids, they’d probably know how to help her and she wouldn’t be so lonely.”
Gaius stood up and moved over to his workbench, “But alas, she could not stay there.”
“She doesn’t have to be so lonely though…”
“Why is my bench such a mess Merlin? There’s broken glass everywhere!” Gaius ignored his last comment.
“That happened at the height of her pain.” He stood to help tidy up.
Gaius fetched the brush, “Was magic involved? I mean, this is rather a lot of damage for one girl to cause without it.”
Merlin shrugged, “I guess it must have been.”
*****
Dawn broke. Merlin awoke to find that the workbench was still in quite a state with its owner snoring away in the chair next to his.
With a concentrated stare the glass began to rise.
There was a gasp at the doorway.
“Morgana! I forgot you were in there!” Merlin looked over to the wide-eyed girl.
She moved towards him saying bewilderedly, “You can do magic?” her voice rose, “You lied to me?!” and with that she headed for the door.
“No Morgana, I didn’t lie! I just didn’t tell you the truth!” he shouted after her.
She laughed disbelievingly, “Oh, well thanks for pointing out the difference Merlin!” and with that she was gone.
“I told you that this would lead to no good Merlin.” Gaius had awoken amidst the shouting.
“You were the one who told me to keep it a secret from her!” he ran out after Morgana, but she was nowhere to be seen.
*****
How could he? How could he keep this from her? She needed him! He knew how she felt, how lonely she was!
There was a knock at the door, “Morgana? It’s me.”
“Go away Merlin!” she said, tears running down her cheeks. She couldn’t believe that she was crying over a boy.
He ignored her command and entered her chambers, “Morgana I’m s-”
“Don’t say it Merlin, please. And to think, I actually started to fall for you!” she wiped her eyes, not caring that she had said too much.
“What?!” he gasped.
“That’s not why I’ve reacted like this though Merlin. I needed you to be my friend, you were the only person that I could speak honestly with, but you betrayed me!”
And with that Morgana had another attack. Collapsing to the floor, she called out Merlin’s name.
“I’m here Morgana, I’ll always be here.” He began to consider his own feelings for the king’s ward.
“Hold me Merlin, it doesn’t hurt so much when you hold me.” she cried.
He pulled her up into her bed and lay beside her, holding onto her tightly, “I am so sorry Morgana, it was never my intention to hurt you. I was being so selfish. I would have told you soon, I promise.”
She bit through the pain, “I don’t know if that’s true, but I know that when I’m with you, the pain is just about bearable.”
“What do your dreams say about you and I Morgana?” he asked, looking into her sparkling eyes.
She paused, “Just because I don’t get a happy ending, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun before then.”
The pain subsided again.
Morgana sat solemnly, a silent tear leaving her eye. The ache in the pit of her stomach rose again, forcing her to hold back a scream. And there was no one to comfort her, no one who cared.
She seldom saw Gwen at night anymore; it had never been Gwen’s duty to wait around her chambers for her to wake up screaming in the night. She saw that look in her maid’s eyes; love. Something she felt she herself would never feel and that no one would feel for her. She saw the way that Gwen looked at the prince and the way that he looked in return and, though she wished them every happiness, she could not help but feel such jealousy.
Morgana curled up on the large window ledge, looking out at the courtyard below. She watched as a servant cleaned up the blood of an executed sorcerer, blood that could very well be running through her own veins. She wrapped her arms around her head, trying to forget the nightmare she’d just had. She started to rock back and forwards as the images of her own melting flesh flashed through her mind.
She felt the magic bubble away inside of her, making her feel so sick, “I don’t feel like me anymore.” She whispered to no one.
*****
As it reached the middle of the night, Morgana slowly moved down to Gaius’ chambers in search of Merlin. She held her arms tightly around her body, trying to make her quivering frame less apparent to those who walked past her. She entered the physician’s lodgings and was glad to find Merlin sat alone.
“Merlin?” her lip trembled.
Merlin stood up, “Morgana? Are you alright?”
Morgana burst into tears, an action she was not used to doing, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Merlin!”
“No, not at all. Sit down Morgana.” He led her to Gaius’ armchair, “Do you need to talk?”
She nodded, “Thank you. You’ve no idea how hard it’s been these past few weeks, not being able to talk to anyone.”
“Not even Gwen? I’m sure she’d understand.” He poured out two glasses of water.
She shrugged, “I don’t want to put her in any danger. Besides, she’s been fairly preoccupied recently.” She looked into Merlin’s eyes, looking for a hint of recognition.
“I… I don’t know what you mean.” He handed her one of the glasses.
Morgana smiled, wiping her tears away, “Thank you.” She took a mouthful and closed her eyes as the cool water rushed down her throat, “You’re a terrible liar Merlin, I do hope you know that.”
Merlin raised his eyebrows, “You know about… them?”
“I might do.” She teased, knowing full well that Merlin knew. She liked to see him sweat though; she was like her stepbrother in that way.
“Gwen and…” he didn’t want to spill the beans.
She grinned, “Arthur, yes.”
“I didn’t know that you knew!” Merlin exclaimed.
“Know? I’ve seen their wedding day for goodness sake!” she laughed playfully.
“Really? They get married?”
Morgana nodded, “She looked so beautiful.” Suddenly a melancholy look returned to her face.
“You came here to speak to me about something?” Merlin knelt before her.
Morgana opened her mouth to speak. She struggled to know what to say, “When… When my father died… I don’t think I had ever felt so alone. I’ve been thinking about that time so much recently.”
“You must still miss your father greatly.” He placed his hand on her knee.
She nodded, “Everything would be so different. I know that I wouldn’t be feeling like this, that’s for sure. I’d be able to confide in him, he’d comfort me. I wouldn’t be living in fear all of the time.”
Merlin didn’t respond. Sighing, he sat down in the chair beside her, “Once Arthur’s king, maybe things will be different.”
She smiled, “That’s the only thing that’s getting me through this.” Suddenly she felt the pain rise again. She clutched her stomach, willing it away.
“Morgana? What’s wrong?”
The pain encompassed her entire body, stemming from that spot in her stomach; she was in agony. She stood up, not able to sit still any longer. She fell into Gaius’ workbench, knocking off some of the equipment. Merlin ran over to the writhing girl and tried to life her up. Morgana screamed, wrapping her arms around her self, pulling at her exposed flesh, breaking the skin.
Merlin pulled her down, holding her in his arms. He rocked her back and forwards, “Sssshhhh, Morgana it’s alright, it’s all going to be alright.”
Her pain slowly subsided, just as it had done the last time and the time before, “I am never having a baby.” She whispered between tears.
Merlin stroked her cheek as he continued to rock her, “Are you alright now?”
She nodded, “I don’t want to move though. Lets just stay here.” She felt so peaceful now, as though nothing could go wrong when she was in his arms.
“What was that?” he asked
“I don’t know.” She closed her eyes, “It’s just this really intense pain. It’s my magic, I know it is.”
Merlin pondered this, “And how long have you been having this… attacks for?”
She shrugged, “Two weeks maybe? I’m not entirely sure.” she pulled Merlin’s arm around her waist, “I’m so tired Merlin; the nightmares and now this… the truth is… the truth is that I am struggling to cope.”
Merlin held onto her, “It’s alright Morgana, we’ll get you through this.”
And there they stayed until Morgana drifted off to sleep. Merlin looked down at the beautiful girl in his arms. He considered how innocent she looked in her sleep and how troubled she remained. She must not know the meaning of a good night’s sleep for she can’t have experienced one since she was very young. Of course some nights were better than others, but none were the same as any normal person’s.
“Merlin?” Gaius came up behind him, “What’s going on? Is she alright?”
Merlin looked up at him, “Not really.” Slowly he picked her up, being careful so as not to wake the sleeping beauty. He carried her through to his own bedroom, lying her down on his bed, “She should sleep here tonight.”
“What happened?” Gaius stood beside him.
Merlin moved out of his room, leaving the door open a touch so that they could keep an eye on it’s new inhabitant, “She came to me… she was scared, but it wasn’t the same has it normally is, she hadn’t just woken from a dream or anything. She was telling me how lonely she’s been when this pain started…it seemed to grow. She was in agony. It was terrible to watch. She says that she thinks it’s something to with her magic and that it’s been happening for about a fortnight.”
Gaius pondered this sitting back in his chair, “Her magic seems to be truly manifesting itself in her. I’ve never known it to cause such pain, but I have known few with the natural ability to do what she and you can do.”
Merlin sat down beside him, “It’s so unfair; it’s bad enough that she should have these powers forced upon her when she is so very close to the man who hates everything about them, making her live in constant fear, but to be in agony all of the time… it’s just so cruel. If only she could have stayed with the druids, they’d probably know how to help her and she wouldn’t be so lonely.”
Gaius stood up and moved over to his workbench, “But alas, she could not stay there.”
“She doesn’t have to be so lonely though…”
“Why is my bench such a mess Merlin? There’s broken glass everywhere!” Gaius ignored his last comment.
“That happened at the height of her pain.” He stood to help tidy up.
Gaius fetched the brush, “Was magic involved? I mean, this is rather a lot of damage for one girl to cause without it.”
Merlin shrugged, “I guess it must have been.”
*****
Dawn broke. Merlin awoke to find that the workbench was still in quite a state with its owner snoring away in the chair next to his.
With a concentrated stare the glass began to rise.
There was a gasp at the doorway.
“Morgana! I forgot you were in there!” Merlin looked over to the wide-eyed girl.
She moved towards him saying bewilderedly, “You can do magic?” her voice rose, “You lied to me?!” and with that she headed for the door.
“No Morgana, I didn’t lie! I just didn’t tell you the truth!” he shouted after her.
She laughed disbelievingly, “Oh, well thanks for pointing out the difference Merlin!” and with that she was gone.
“I told you that this would lead to no good Merlin.” Gaius had awoken amidst the shouting.
“You were the one who told me to keep it a secret from her!” he ran out after Morgana, but she was nowhere to be seen.
*****
How could he? How could he keep this from her? She needed him! He knew how she felt, how lonely she was!
There was a knock at the door, “Morgana? It’s me.”
“Go away Merlin!” she said, tears running down her cheeks. She couldn’t believe that she was crying over a boy.
He ignored her command and entered her chambers, “Morgana I’m s-”
“Don’t say it Merlin, please. And to think, I actually started to fall for you!” she wiped her eyes, not caring that she had said too much.
“What?!” he gasped.
“That’s not why I’ve reacted like this though Merlin. I needed you to be my friend, you were the only person that I could speak honestly with, but you betrayed me!”
And with that Morgana had another attack. Collapsing to the floor, she called out Merlin’s name.
“I’m here Morgana, I’ll always be here.” He began to consider his own feelings for the king’s ward.
“Hold me Merlin, it doesn’t hurt so much when you hold me.” she cried.
He pulled her up into her bed and lay beside her, holding onto her tightly, “I am so sorry Morgana, it was never my intention to hurt you. I was being so selfish. I would have told you soon, I promise.”
She bit through the pain, “I don’t know if that’s true, but I know that when I’m with you, the pain is just about bearable.”
“What do your dreams say about you and I Morgana?” he asked, looking into her sparkling eyes.
She paused, “Just because I don’t get a happy ending, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun before then.”
The pain subsided again.