[fic] State of Mind - Chapter Nine

[elric_ward]

Ward’s limbs were heavy and refused to move as he crouched frozen on the banks of the river. He shivered uncontrollably as he warily looked around for some kind of exit, any source of immediate escape and safety, a way out.

<’Hello again, runt.’> The voice hissed from the forest, <’I’ve come for my dinner.’>

The Edward backed up further

Comments

[deepgreen18]

Hee, actiony goodness!

It's so cool to see Ward using his brain the right way for once! He's finally getting used to living outside civilization, and paying more attention to his instincts (I really like how you are writing them out for us to see). Our little Edward is far from perfect: he still messes up enough to get Envy's attention, but he knows where to go to get rid of him! And yay for wanting to learn. Ward's thoughts on how he secretly admires Sting and his plans to make him "teach" his techniques made me laugh. Character development rocks.

Also, eek on the poachers, I hope Sting is okay!

Random thing: "1800-Poachers" has too many letter/numbers in it to be a real-life US phone number, does Amestris have eight digit phone numbers?

2 small (and 1 large) thing(s) I noticed: He needed to get that head start and maybe he could make it to safety "that" feels weird here, like it's referring to something already said, but there isn't anything about a head start previously.

The four cluster together as they watch the fight

[elric_ward]

ooops! You're completely right. I was probably being lazy and didn't think about it last time. IDK about the US, but in Aussie it's emant to be 1800 -6 numbers. Fix'd!

It does look awkward, but I think I can fix that paragraph now :D (I originally wrote this chapter two weeks ago~ I like to think I've improved some now). There, let me know if it seems a bit better?

Haha, I'll keep struggling. :D Struggling is just me trying something more out.

[elric_ward]

*meant.

I also type way too fast and mix my words up :(

[deepgreen18]

It's definitely better, the fight scene is more intense, and much less distracting. Although, being me, I just found the same thing again a paragraph or two later! "He is looking" kind of stuff (I despise being unable to quote from the main post in a reply to a comment, argh). Amazing how seeing one thing fixed clears your vision to see another issue.

I had no idea that Aussie phone numbers used six digits! The things you learn on LJ. US uses seven, and ever since I noticed that television series here almost always use 555-???? numbers when they need one, I pay close attention whenever one is given.

See you next time!