[fic] State of Mind - Chapter Thirteen

[elric_ward]

Chapter Thirteen

The white snow reflected the morning light into Ward’s squinting eyes. He was still unsure of this stuff that had made him so miserable the night before. Concentrating hard, he pressed his hands together and pushed them into the cold dust. A crackle and blue light flared before him at the snow hardened into the clear shape of a

Comments

[deepgreen18]

Huh, I have mixed feelings about this. I realize I did okay it earlier, but...Fons and Ward going it alone would have been so good, in my opinion.

The Mustang/Edward interaction in the hunting scenes are priceless. Especially when Ward starts boasting that he will be the best Edward ever. I have so much love for that.

Did you know that you change fonts several times throughout the chapter?
It goes Roman and smaller here:
<’Once your prey sees you the fight is over. You need to be hidden.’> Sting smiled wryly,

It reverts back to normal here: <’Okay. I will join the pack.’> Fons grimaced distastefully .

Other comments:
Miracle Mustang pack keeps amazing. I think that all the words should be capitalized in an article title.

A lopsided rabbit wreathed in the burnt smell of his transmutation but it was something. I think you need a comma before "but". This might be my first comma comment; I am amused.

You changed the viewpoint from Ward to Sting here:

<’Hughes gather berries, they do not hunt.’> The Mustang said slowly, <’Sometimes

[elric_ward]

I think LJ's doing something weird there. I've erased it and popped it on again, so hopefully that got rid of the fonts.

went around and fixed the things you mentioned!

re: gunbu. I cannot recall exactly. I think it was in a couple of other fics and some discussions with people in an old zoognosis entry. I believe it mostly referred to the typical mustang gang. i.e. hawkeye, fulman etc.

as for Fons, he threw a hissy fit and expressed some huge dislike over the idea but he never said he wouldn't stop coming :P

Dirty thoughts are entirely allowed! There are some tricks I suspect Fons wants him to learn quickly. There may also be some...allusions...to a threesome in the next chapter :P (Because I'm so bashful and cannot work up the courage to write the specifics D:)

You're also right with the news article~ I'm so used to writing scientific reports (concise, boring and past tense), news articles are weird

Thanks for all the help! Amazing to know there is a comment limit :D I have to go work now.

[elric_ward]

Back from work

[deepgreen18]

I was looking at your posting times, and you are like six hours before my time zone! I adore that we can communicate so well even as off time from each other as we are.

Well, the font changes are still present. Perhaps you would see it if you previewed the post? To fix it: If you use Word (or maybe another program) you could copy/paste it to that program, select everything, select a font, then copy/paste it back to LJ. This is only if it bothers you. I'm a stickler for continuity of all kinds, so that's what I would do.

Thank you for all the other fixes! The comment limit is 3500 characters, if you want to know.

About the different views: you've managed to convey them pretty well, already. I had gotten Sting and Ward, sort of, but Fons' wariness of the other predators hasn't really come up yet. I like Fons so much. He's the one I identify with the most.
You just brought up another issue, though: is Ward going to get pregnant in this fic? His reaction will be fun, if he does.

Waiting patiently for chapter 14...