Fic: It's Always Open Season On Princesses Part 27

[elsiesnuffin]

Title: It‘s Always Open Season On Princesses Part 27
Spoilers: Through Season 2
Word Count: 4316
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Dan Harmon owns all of this.

AN: We‘re getting so close, you guys. Thanks for sticking with me. Also, I hate LiveJournal a lot right now. Like…really a lot.

“Pierce.“

Jeff approached the bed, every ounce of anger that had been building up for the last two weeks simmering just under the surface. It was his second attempt at talking to the man, having been pulled out of the room by Britta only moments after he’d banished the entire group from the room. Of course he knew that it would be in poor form to actually try to kill the man who left recovery from major surgery within the last hour.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t want or need some answers from him.

“Did you get everything settled with your girlfriend?” Pierce asked breezily from his bed.

Jeff closed his eyes and counted to ten. “Britta is not my girlfriend.”

“So she’s not your girlfriend anymore,” Pierce replied dismissively. “Who can keep track with you?”

Jeff narrowed his eyes. “Did you actually have surgery, Pierce? Or is this one of those things where you trick us into emotion that you can use against us when it comes time for world domination?”

The older man’s lips curled upward. “Jeff, I have taught you well.” He rested a hand gingerly on his stomach. “I can assure you I no longer have my prostate, though.”

“Glad to hear it,“ Jeff muttered as he lifted his chin. “So, why have you been avoiding everyone?”

Pierce folded his hands into his lap. “I have been spending my time getting my affairs in order.”

“What affairs?”

Pierce waved a hand and gestured for Jeff to take a seat in the chair that Annie had recently vacated. Jeff rolled his eyes and ambled around the end of the bed to drop into the small chair. “Jeff, you may not realize this, but I have recently laughed in the face of death.” The former lawyer nodded sarcastically. “And I wanted to have a contingency plan in place in case that...” He waved his arm again, searching for the word. “…didn’t happen.”

“Okay?” Jeff prompted flatly.

“My lawyers advised me to be ready for other possibilities,” Pierce continued. “So I took the opportunity to update my will.”

“What?” Jeff asked, feeling genuine surprise at that answer. “You did?”

“I hadn’t revised it since nineteen ninety- two,” Pierce stated and Jeff rolled his eyes.

“So,” Jeff responded. “Are you leaving everything to Ann-Margret and Don Cheney?” He leaned back in the chair and stretched his legs out in front of him.

Pierce gave him the smallest flicker of a wry smile. “Oh, Jeffrey.” He sighed. “I will have you know that I am giving a rather sizable donation to my future alma mater.”

“You’re leaving your money to Greendale?” Jeff asked, looking at the old man as if he’d lost what little was left of his mind. “Couldn’t you find something less worthwhile? Like investing in a pyramid scheme?”

“I have no progeny,” Pierce said. “While I have many stepchildren, none of them have remained…close to me.”

“I think that will change when you kick,” Jeff replied, feeling a sense of loss over his missing phone. Why had he let his anger and stress get the better of him? He was losing a game of Words With Friends to Garrett of all people.

“Probably true,” the patient responded. “But I wanted to make sure my money went to someone who would be able to use it and appreciate it.”

“Like who?” Jeff asked, his patience with the former study group member waning by the second.

“That’s not something I feel comfortable divulging right now, Jeff.”

Jeff frowned. “Okay.”

“So, how was the vacation?” Pierce asked brightly.

Jeff stared up at the stained ceiling tiles and sighed. “I would tell you, but I have this feeling you already know.” He sat forward in his chair. “So, seriously. What was it all about Pierce? What was the point of any of it?”

“I sense some…tension between….” Pierce waved his hand in the air. “Between you and Annie. Something happen there?”

“Pierce,” Jeff snapped. “I promised Britta I wouldn’t smother you with a pillow, but I don’t care that much about lying to her.”

“You don’t care that much about lying to anyone, Jeffrey.” Pierce raised his eyebrows meaningfully. Jeff simply stared at the man before raising his eyebrows as well. He was at Pierce’s mercy now. He could either play along or he could storm out and never get the answers he wanted from the crazy old man in the bed.

“I’ve decided to leave the rest of my money to Annie.”

Wait.

What?

“Um,” Jeff said slowly, sitting up more fully. “You’re leaving Annie your money when you die?”

“Yes, well I think we can both agree that it will be a long time until that happens.” Pierce struggled to sit up against his pillows, wincing slightly. Jeff felt something tighten in his gut. “I’ve proven to be indestructible.”

“You and Cher,” the younger man added with a nod.

“She is a fine entertainer,” Pierce snapped and Jeff’s eyebrows rose.

“Okay,” Jeff answered. “What does this have to do with sending her to Italy?”

“If ever a girl needed a vacation, it is Annie.” Pierce shrugged his shoulders lightly.

“And that’s it?” Jeff asked suspiciously. “She needed a vacation?”

“Yes,” the older man defended. “That’s it. You know, some people don’t go into everything with ulterior motives, Jeffrey.”

“But you’re not one of those people,” Jeff noted. “So what is your angle, Pierce?”

“When faced with the possibility of death, one that I have since…uh, laughed in the face of,” he stated, “you really have to analyze the people in your life and decide which ones you want to keep around and which ones to dump.” He sat up straighter. “And which ones you need to test.”

“You were testing her?” Jeff asked, feeling anger bubble up in his stomach.

Pierce shook his head slowly. “No.” He raised one eyebrow in Jeff’s direction.

Oh.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Pierce stated after a beat. “It wasn’t about testing you so much. What would there be to test? You reacted exactly as I knew you would in every situation that was presented to you.” Pierce let the corners of his mouth turn up. “No, it was more about proving to Annie that you weren’t worth it, and you did that all on your own. Didn’t you?”

“So, you weren’t testing me when you gave me that money?” Maybe coming into the room was a bad idea. Jeff was running on too little sleep and too much anger toward the man in front of him to be making sound decisions.

“Well, I thought that I wouldn’t have to give you any money when I gave Annie that extra ticket.” Pierce reached over to his bedside table and grasped a forgotten Jello cup before peeling back the foil lid. “I knew she would offer it to you.”

“You did?” Jeff replied in a flat tone.

“She looks at you like the sun rises and sets with you,” Pierce answered through a mouthful of Jello. Jeff rolled his eyes. “None of us understand why.”

“Have I mentioned that I’m glad you lost your prostate?” Jeff grumbled.

“Not specifically, but I assumed as much.” Pierce resituated himself again, wincing slightly and Jeff felt a tiny prickle of guilt. “Believe it or not, what I wanted was for Annie to be happy.“ He waved a hand toward Jeff. “Unfortunately for her, that means you.“ Jeff rolled his eyes. “But it turns out you didn’t deserve any of my effort.”

“Your effort?” Jeff repeated with narrowed eyes.

“Yes,” Pierce nodded emphatically. “When you came to me that day and told me you needed a ticket to Italy to keep Annie from falling under Rich’s evil thrall, I knew you were lying.” Jeff glowered at him. “I just thought you were lying to me about why you wanted to go because you didn’t want to tell me the real reason.” He sucked a bite of Jello through his teeth. “But it turns out you were lying to yourself about why you were going. Which means you’ve been in even deeper denial than I thought.” He pointed his spoon at Jeff and sighed. “Do you know why you needed to go to Italy, Jeff?”

Jeff felt something tighten in the pit of his stomach and tried to push it down violently, but for once, it wouldn’t budge. It sat there like a lump of lead, making him unable to ignore what he’d been trying to avoid for entirely too long. After two more failed attempts, he managed to shove the feeling back down into its previously appointed place in his head and his heart and took a strangle hold of his irritation with the man in front of him.

Of course he knew.

He couldn’t give Pierce the satisfaction though.

Could he?

“Pierce,” Jeff said, an edge creeping into his voice. “Can you hold still while I get a syringe and put an air bubble in your blood stream?” Pierce smiled.

“Your anger and frustration are highly entertaining,” Pierce noted. “Annie lives in a small apartment she can’t afford above a second location of a fetish business that has a limited selection.” He waved his spoon. “I wanted to give her a vacation that she deserved.”

“And Rich?” Jeff asked. “What was the point of him?”

Pierce sighed. “Knowing how hung up you get on things like appearance, I thought there could be a chance you would turn her down.” Jeff glared at him. “That was where Rich came in.” Jeff pulled his feet from the bed and sat up straighter. “He got a free trip to Europe and there was the added bonus of knowing it would make you lose your mind. Rich was given the edge, the …the head-start that you turned down with both hands.”

“Yeah, well Rich didn’t take advantage of it.” Jeff tightened his jaw and began to drum his fingers against the arm of the chair he was in.

“I know,” he stated. “I did not see that coming, did you?” Jeff’s jaw tensed. “Anyway, enough chatting. I need to get my rest. I expect a payment from you by next Thursday.”

“Um,” Jeff narrowed his eyes. “The stipulations of that stupid contract stated pretty clearly that the money would be a gift if I didn’t enter into any kind of romantic entanglement with Annie.” He shrugged dismissively. “I didn’t.”

Pierce’s eyebrows met in the middle of his forehead. “I would argue that something did happen between the two of you.” The older man sighed. “Here’s the thing, Jeff. There was a time when I would have thought that you really did care about Annie.”

Jeff’s stomach twisted. “When was that?” he asked, aiming for nonchalance and undershooting, if Pierce’s expression was anything to go by.

“Some time before everyone found out you were boffing Brittles all year,” the older man stated with a knowing glance.

“Was the point of doing all of this work just for the purposes of making me look like an asshole?”

Pierce gave a dry chuckle and Jeff clenched his jaw as tightly as he could. “You are so self-involved.”

Jeff glared at him incredulously. “Says the man with the life-size marble statue of himself at his house.”

“You came off looking and acting exactly like you, Jeff.” Pierce placed the empty cup back on the table and licked his lips. “You did the heavy lifting for me.”

Jeff glowered down at him before digging into his pocket and pulling the manilla envelope out of his back pocket. He tossed it carelessly at the old man. “See you around campus, Pierce.” He spun to leave.

“Wait.”

“What?” Jeff snapped at him. When he turned back to look at Pierce, he noticed the older man had paled considerably in only five seconds. “What do you want?”

Pierce was staring down at the envelope that he was now grasping tightly. “Who gave this to you?”

“You’re really going to act like you don’t know what that is?” Jeff rolled his eyes. “I got it from Camilla. You know, the she-devil who owns the house next to yours in Italy?” He moved back closer to the bed. “Remember her? The one who has been spying for you the last two weeks? What is it? What kind of deal did you have with her?” With a slightly trembling hand, Pierce opened the end of the envelope and tipped it over. Something small fell out immediately, landing in Pierce’s lap and Jeff’s jaw dropped.

The fuck?

The gold wedding band glinted against the drab hospital blanket and Jeff resisted the urge to snatch it up to stare at it. The older man looked at it blankly before glancing up at Jeff with something that in anyone else would be catalogued as sadness. “Pierce.”

“Jeff,” Pierce answered before reaching forward and plucking the small piece of metal from his lap and lifting it to look at it more closely.

“That is a wedding ring,” he noted, pointing a finger at it.

“Yes,” the gray-haired man replied flatly before popping it back into the envelope. When he did so, his eyes caught on something and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He unfolded it and a worn photograph slid from the paper. Jeff reached forward and grabbed it before Pierce could react. Staring at it, Jeff felt a mixture of horror and awe bubble up in his chest. The photo was washed out with a seventies-style orange tint to it, but he could place the two people in it right away. They looked so happy together that it scared the study group leader.

Standing side by side, looking at each other adoringly, were Pierce Hawthorne and his new bride, Camilla.

“Holy crap,” Jeff muttered, feeling a wave of understanding roll over him. Everything clicked into place in Jeff‘s brain. The instinctive hatred, the way she’d reacted when she’d learned about Pierce’s condition. It hadn’t made sense at the time, but it all did now.

Pierce stared down at his hands for a moment. “I met her in nineteen seventy-four. She was modeling.” His smile was warmer than Jeff could ever remember having seen it before and he felt his defenses slip ever so slightly. “She was…everything I’d ever been looking for in a woman.”

“Rich, beautiful, pure evil.” Jeff ticked them off on his fingers slowly with a nod.

“Exactly,” Pierce replied and Jeff rolled his eyes. “She was perfect for me.”

“That I completely agree with,” the younger man said. “I wouldn’t wish either of you on anyone else.”

“It was a whirlwind romance. Well, after the quickie divorce from the wife I had at the time.” Jeff nodded in mock understanding. “We were married after only a couple months.”

“I know you like to move fast, just in case the woman realizes the mistake she’s making,” Jeff offered.

“Jeffrey, please hold all comments until the end,” Pierce noted weakly without breaking his rhythm. “As I was saying, I was blissfully happy. We honeymooned in Italy and Camilla was taken with the country.”

Jeff smirked up at the ceiling. “Well, they encourage drinking all day over there.”

“Exactly,” Pierce agreed. “We bought two properties and the vineyard and started making wine. It was a magical time in my life. Camilla was my equal in every way. Things were going very well for us for many years. That woman is amazing. We had a very inventive and exploratory sex life.” Jeff groaned in disgust. How had this happened? He had been in Italy in the process of seducing Annie and now he was in a hospital room that smelled vaguely of disinfectant, listening to Pierce wax poetic on his own former sex life. “And like you already pointed out, she has a bit of an evil streak in her that I found incredibly sexy.”

“Pierce,” Jeff held up his hands defensively, trying to stop the older man’s train of thought. “Anything that is going to end up in a place where I have to think about your penis is off limits.”

“She is the heiress to the Nabisco fortune,” the older man went on. “Her ancient crazy father wanted her to marry better.”

“Better than a moist towelette tycoon?” Jeff asked flatly.

“Compared to Nabisco, Hawthorne Wipes is tiny,” Pierce explained. “He was trying to arrange a marriage to the heir of Velveeta.”

Jeff‘s headache was getting worse by the second. “So her father broke up your marriage because you weren’t good enough for his satanic daughter,” Jeff surmised. Pierce nodded. “You know, this story would be slightly more convincing if you hadn’t gotten married like four more times since that, Pierce.”

The man in the bed shook his head. “You just don’t get it, Jeff.” He picked up the envelope and handed it to Jeff, who accepted it uncertainly before glancing down at it. “It hasn’t mattered how many women I’ve tried to replace her with, no one ever could.”

“Okay?” Jeff responded haltingly.

“Several months ago, she called me out of the blue.” Jeff instinctively reached for his phone before cursing to himself silently. “She had gotten one of the properties in the divorce, but she wants the other one and the vineyard.” Pierce rolled his eyes. “Apparently, her newest husband wants to get into the wine-making business.”

“Kevin is an idiot,” Jeff muttered.

“Thank you,” Pierce said with a nod.

Jeff shook his head “Yeah, that wasn’t a compliment to you.”

“Now, I had no interest in taking her money.” Jeff narrowed his eyes at the other man. “But I did make a pretty savvy deal with her.”

Jeff sighed. “This is where Annie comes in.”

“You’re rushing ahead, Jeff.” Pierce put his arms behind his head and relaxed back against his pillows. “I’m trying to tell you a story in a humorous manner for your own enjoyment.”

“I appreciate that,” Jeff lied flatly. “But I haven’t slept or showered or eaten in at least a couple days and I’ve alienated every one of my friends, half for trying to pursue Annie, and half for not pursuing her enough. So could you get to some sort of point that relates to me?”

“No one is angry at you for pursuing her, Jeff.” Jeff raised an eyebrow challengingly. “They’re mad that you’ve been going about it so half-assed.”

“I’ve been half-assed?” Jeff countered. “I’ve been as whole-assed as I can be, considering how much you were stacking the deck against me this entire time.” He gestured toward the closed door. “Was everyone in on this?”

“No,” Pierce scoffed. “Only Camilla.” He paused. “And the Italian cook. And possibly Dr. Kettlecorn.”

“Has she told you everything that has happened?” Jeff asked.

“She would really like to have that property, Jeff.”

The younger man narrowed his eyes at Pierce in contemplation. “And what is that that you were trying to get out of this, Pierce?” When the older man didn’t answer, Jeff rose from his chair. “I would like to say I feel bad that you have lost a big chunk of your manhood, but I would be lying.”

“Sit down,” Pierce commanded and Jeff looked down at him for a moment, weighing his options. When he remained standing, the older man merely sighed in exasperation. “Jeffrey, when I say I care about Annie, I mean it.”

“Except for the part where you use her as a pawn in your power struggle with your ex-wife,” Jeff shot back.

“Annie was never part of the game,” Pierce defended and Jeff rolled his eyes.

“You wagered an entire property on her,” he pointed out, his voice rising.

“It was never a competition,” the older man explained with a shake of his head.

Jeff paused. “Then what was it?”

“Money,” Pierce said in a low voice. “Money can ruin good people. Money can ruin a lot of things, Jeff.” He stared down at the bed, waiting for Pierce to continue. “I’ve seen it happen.” Pierce waved his hand in Jeff’s direction. “It has happened to me. I just needed to make sure that…” The older man shrugged.

“That?” Jeff repeated questioningly.

Pierce thought over his words for a moment. “Annie has a history riddled with issues.”

“Are you the pot or the kettle right now?” Jeff interjected, but Pierce ignored him.

“She’s become a much stronger person than I think even she realizes.”

Jeff nodded. “She does know how to shoot a paintball gun.”

Pierce stared at him, practically through him. “That doesn’t mean she doesn’t need someone in her corner. Do you know what I’m saying?”

Yes.

Of course he did.

He was saying that…

Trying to ignore all of the implications that the older man was making, Jeff forced his expression into one of practiced nonchalance. “And that was it?”

Pierce stilled. “It was just like old times,” he answered distractedly. “The first time I heard her voice on the phone, everything I’d ever felt for her was back.” What? Jeff watched as Pierce glanced over at the envelope that sat on the table. “I would have signed over the property to her on the first day, but I knew I would never hear from her ever again, and I couldn’t…” Pierce raised his eyebrows and shook his head, unable to finish his sentence.

It was somehow completely unnatural and totally right at the same time.

“You’re still in love with her,” Jeff filled in for his former study group member.

“Like I said, when you’re faced with death, you decide what is important.” He leaned back and folded his hands behind his head. “I know what I’ve lost,” he said quietly, his eyes starting to droop slightly. “I was hoping I could help you keep from making the some mistakes I have made.” He shrugged a hospital gown-covered shoulder. “What can I say? I still have a soft spot for you.”

“You just said you wanted to see me crash and burn to prove a point to Annie,” Jeff remarked, his voice rising in anger before he paused. “What mistake am I making?”

“At some point, you are going to realize what all of the rest of us, including Annie, already know.” He finally let his eyes close fully. “It will be interesting to see if she has any interest in hearing about it when you finally figure that out.”

“You couldn’t have taken up woodworking as a hobby?” Jeff questioned in a wry tone.

Pierce studied him in silence for several seconds before he smiled gently. “On second thought, I don’t think I will be needed a repayment.”

Jeff stilled. “What? Why?”

The old man opened his eyes and stared at Jeff appraisingly. “Seeing you so miserable and seeing how miserable you’ve made Annie is worth the cost of this entire thing.”

“And you’re the one who cares about her?“ Jeff nodded sarcastically. “And the possibility that she could get hurt? Did that matter when you started this whole thing?”

Pierce shook his head. “Only one of us broke her heart, and it wasn’t me.” Pierce relaxed back against the pillow and let his eyes flutter closed for a moment and Jeff allowed himself to really focus on the man. He looked older and more tired than Jeff had ever seen him. His words were still as biting as they had ever been, but they were coming out of the mouth of a man who really had been faced with his own death and had…

He had no reason to be lying about anything that he had said so far.

“You don’t deserve her,” Pierce muttered. Jeff let his eyes stay on Pierce’s face for a beat of silence. Pierce had somehow cast himself as the loving protective father to Annie, giving her everything she could want.

Jeff was the bad guy.

How the hell had that happened?

Jeff sighed closed his eyes. He tightened his jaw and then cleared his throat. “Remember that time I tried to kill you for lying about my dad? Sorry.”

“Jeffrey,” Pierce said in a quiet tone. “Because I am magnanimous, I accept your apology.” Jeff resisted the urge to roll his eyes back into his head. “On one condition. One way or another,” he said in a low voice. “Just….” He waved a hand in the air as he searched for a word, “just tell her, Jeff. One way or another.”

He frowned down at the man in the bed and felt a wave of what was close to affection wash over him. Instinctively, he moved closer to Pierce in a moment of weakness before freezing. He coughed. “And…and what are you going to do, Pierce?”

“I,” the former and possibly future study group member stated, “am going to go to sleep and then I’m going to get out of this hospital.” He raised his eyes to Jeff’s. “And then I’m going to make a call to Italy.”

Jeff thought back to the expression that had been on Camilla’s face when she’d been told the news about Pierce. It was the same expression that had been on Pierce’s face when he’d opened the envelope. “She…” Jeff sighed again. “She will probably be happy to hear from you.”

“The same goes for you,” Pierce noted with gentle nod toward the door.

Jeff took a deep breath and continued to stare at the fearless man in front of him. Pierce had always played as if he had nothing to lose. And it had always worked out for him, even when he’d tried his hardest to make sure it wouldn’t.

So…what was Jeff so afraid of?

"Okay Pierce.” He sighed and dropped back into the chair. “What's your advice?"