Fic: Trapped In The Closet
Title: Trapped In The Closet
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2860
Disclaimer: Don't own em. Please don't sue me, Dan Harmon.
This is a dialogue only piece I wrote a while ago. Let me know what you think. Unless you hate it.
“I’m hungry.”
“I have gum.”
“What flavor?”
“Uh, cinnamon?”
“Eh.”
“Then I guess you’re not very hungry.”
“Okay, you just sounded so much like my dad there.”
“Shut up. How long do you think we’ve been in here?”
“Ten minutes?”
“You think it’s only been that long? It’s seemed like longer than that.”
“Thanks. I don’t know how long it’s been, Jeff. I was venturing a guess. Notice how my inflection went up at the end, signifying a question?”
“Adorable.”
Maybe I will have some gum.”
“No.”
“No?”
“I’ve taken the offer off the table.”
“Jeff!”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have gone ‘eh’ to it in the first place.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Gum won’t help that you know, Annie.”
“I wish I had my books in here. At least then I could get some studying done.”
“There might actually be something really wrong with you, you know that?”
“It’s not wrong to want to do well in school, Jeff.”
“We are trapped in a supply closet, Annie. Your grade point average should not be at the top of the list of your …weirdo idiosyncrasies that we are dealing with here.”
“Really? Which ‘crazy Annie’ thing should we be dealing with?”
“I didn’t call you crazy, for the record.”
“You didn’t refute it either.”
“Well, no. You are a little crazy, Annie. Why would I refute that?”
“See? You’re a jerk.”
“I wish my phone hadn‘t died.”
“Yeah, that ‘Angry Birds’ score won’t beat itself.”
“I do important things with that phone.”
“Like what?”
“Um, like maybe calling someone to come let us out of here?”
“Are you really that miserable in here?”
“Annie, it’s not a matter of being miserable. It’s nine o’clock on a Friday night. Things could get very ‘Alive’ in here.”
“That’s a reference I don’t get.”
“Seriously, you need to see some movies that were made before nineteen ninety-seven.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I’m starting a mental list right now. Classic movies Annie needs to see.”
“And ‘Alive’ makes the cut? You’re using the word ‘classic’ a little liberally there.”
“It’s about a rugby team that is in an airplane crash and to survive, they have to eat the people that have died.”
“I figured.”
“Then why did you say you didn’t get the reference?”
“I wanted to make you feel old.”
“You really only need to be in the room for that to happen.”
“Whatever.”
“Would you really be studying on a Friday night if we weren’t in here?”
“What else would I be doing? You guys are my only friends. Troy and Abed always do something together. Britta avoids me most of the time. Shirley spends time with her family. You pretend none of us exist most of the time and I am not desperate enough to hang out with Pierce.”
“Are humans capable of getting to that level of desperation?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t act like none of you exist.”
“Of course you do, Jeff. Admit it, you were on your way to your apartment, where you were likely to ignore any communication with any of us for the entire weekend.”
“I answer when you text me.”
“I don’t text you anymore.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“If I hadn’t guilted you into coming in here to help me get paint off the top shelf for the diorama I’m working on, I would not have seen you until Monday afternoon in the study room. And you just happened to be walking by. Which means that if I hadn’t spotted you and run after you, you wouldn’t even have stopped and said anything to me.”
“Annie, you were in a classroom that I happened to be walking by. It isn’t like I saw you and covered my face with a book so you wouldn’t notice me.”
“Hmm.”
“And it’s not like you’ve ever asked me to do something with you, y’know.”
“Oh, please. Like there’s a chance that if I had asked you to…”
“To…?”
“I don’t know, go to a movie with me-”
“What movie?”
“It doesn’t matter, because the response I would get will always be no.”
“If it was a really good movie…”
“Jeff, do you want to go to a movie with me?”
“Um-”
“See? The two of us can’t hang out together, because your mind immediately goes to the ‘date’ place, which is not fair.”
“Really. I would be crazy to think you were asking me on a date if you asked me to go to the movies with you.”
“And that’s why I would never ask you to do something with me.”
“We’re hanging out now.”
“This is not hanging out. We’re stuck in here together.”
“Well, I’m having fun. Kind of.”
“Between whining about your phone and warning me you might succumb to cannibalism?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m done with guys anyway.”
“What?”
“I said I’m done with guys. Asking guys out is a terrible experience that I’m not going to repeat.”
“Yeah, I heard you asked out Rich. Sorry… about that.”
“What? From who?”
“Uh, you.”
“I told you I was going to ask him out, not that I actually did.”
“It doesn’t take a huge leap in logic to go there, Annie.”
“Jeff.”
“Abed told me.”
“I don’t believe this. Does everyone know?”
“What’s there to know?”
“That I went hopelessly chasing after another guy only to be shot down for being too young?”
“I think he told me because he thought I would care.”
“Well, he’s not paying attention then.”
“I’m sorry that he let you down, but I’m not sorry he said no.”
“What does that mean?”
“Rich? Is the worst possible choice, Annie.”
“Rich? Is a handsome doctor who spends his free time volunteering at orphanages and soup kitchens, Jeff.”
“Yeah, but he wears loafers.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“This whole thing was just a little fickle and easy, wasn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing, it’s just you were in love with me four months ago, and then you happen to fall in love with the one man on the planet that I have an actual real disdain for.”
“Hold on one second.”
“For what?”
“Why do you just assume that I was in love with you?”
“Annie, you twirled your hair.”
“And there’s no difference between a small crush and a real thing?”
“Aha!”
“Aha what? Yes, I had a crush on you. Half the girls at this school do.”
“Really?”
“You are so infinitely pleased with yourself. Yes, the girls in line at the cafeteria think you‘re cute.”
“Hmm.”
“And you smile at them and wink and they don’t know about the part where you kiss them and then act like they don’t exist and you never meant any of it and it only happened because they’re a young inexperienced girl that had some nubile flesh you had a hankering for.”
“Annie…”
“But they will figure it out, and it will make them smarter.”
“And also really talkative.”
“I guess. It‘s freezing in here.”
“I never meant for you to get caught up in that whole mess with Britta.”
“I know. I… I injected myself into it because I wanted to think I was a legitimate factor. It was…stupid and childish.”
“I kissed you because I wanted to, Annie.”
“No, you didn’t. But I was standing right there when you told Shirley all about it.”
“What I said to Shirley…it wasn’t fair.”
“Jeff, you don’t have to do this.”
“Okay.”
“Fine.”
“At the transfer dance, when Britta and Slater were losing their minds and confessing their love to me, it felt…I don’t know, wrong I guess?”
“You spent the entire year chasing one or both of them, it couldn’t have been that wrong.”
“It was though. I’m not good at talking about this kind of stuff, Annie.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“My feelings.”
“I know.”
“They were fighting over me, trying to one-up each other. And I ran away. Because I didn’t know what to feel about either of them. And then you were back. And it just seemed so…easy.”
“Jeff.”
“I kissed you because I- you… were a choice that didn’t require any thought. Could you say something now?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
“You‘re still looking at me.”
“I wanted to see if what happened when we kissed at the debate was a fluke.”
“And?”
“Just because something feels right on the inside doesn’t mean it doesn’t seem really wrong to everyone else on the outside.”
“So it was about appearance?”
“No.”
“Really? Because it kind of seems like-”
“Annie! You’re young and beautiful and brilliant. I would have been worshipped. Would be worshipped.”
“So, what was it?”
“I’m…gay.”
“Jeff.”
“I am, ask Pierce.”
“Fine, whatever.”
“I’m… not a good guy.”
“What? Why do you say that?”
“I faked a law degree in order to make lots of money getting people off for crimes they committed. Is there another word for it?”
“You also occasionally stand up for things you believe in and care about.”
“Annie, one way or another…this…it gets bad.”
“You hold me at arm’s length because you think it will hurt me less than letting me get close and experiencing real heartbreak.”
“Let’s not get overly dramatic. This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Whatever.”
“Here.”
“Thank you. Although gum really should only be mint.”
“You’re welcome. I think Troy’s got a thing for Britta.”
“Well, yeah.”
“You know?”
“I pay attention to things.”
“Huh.”
“Are you jealous?”
“Of what?”
“Of that fact that she’s the girl of your dreams and he wouldn’t have to work very hard to have her.”
“She is not the girl of my dreams.”
“The entire reason we’re friends is because you wanted to bone her.”
“Bone? I expected more from you, Annie.”
“Well, kids say the darndest things.”
“And what do you mean he wouldn’t have to work very hard?”
“Have you seen them together? They’re adorable.”
“Britta doesn’t do adorable.”
“She just doesn’t do adorable when she’s around you.”
“What does that mean?”
“You guys make each other hard. Don’t even.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
“It’s not even that really. When you and Britta are together, you devolve into snotty kids.”
“When you and Britta are together, you oil wrestle.”
“Are people still talking about that? That was months ago.”
“Just the other day, someone changed all the computer lab wallpapers to a picture of her on top of you.”
“Jeff! Did you change them back?”
“No. I can appreciate artistic expression.”
“Who did it?”
“My money’s on Starburns, but I have no proof.”
“Did you know that you say that wrong?”
“What?”
“Starburns.”
“I say it the same way you say it.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Say it.”
“Starburns.”
“Right, Starburns.”
“No, but you emphasize the wrong syllable.”
“What?”
“It’s Starburns, like sideburns.”
“And what do I say?”
“Starburns. Like Ken Burns.”
“You know who Ken Burns is?”
“I like PBS.”
“Of course you do.”
“How can it be so cold in here?”
“I’m guessing they don’t feel the need to heat the supply closet. They don’t really plan on people getting stuck in here.”
“Well, Abed should school them in basic television tropes then.”
“Tropes, Annie?”
“I’ve been spending time in his dorm room.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Why are you giving me that look?”
“What look?”
“That one. That Jeff ‘I’m shocked’ thing with the raised eyebrows and the smirk and everything.”
“Just surprised is all.”
Didn’t you live with him?”
“Yes and it was a blast. You guys just don’t usually hang out alone.”
“And you’re implying…?”
“…that you and Abed are going to fall in love and make adorably magical babies.”
“Of course. That would clean everything up really nicely, wouldn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean your silent hope is that I find a nice young Jewish boy to marry and have lots of babies with, because then and only then can you breathe a sigh of relief that I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“If I was less of a gentleman, I would point out that you said that you weren’t in love with me anymore, which would imply that at one point, you were.”
“In your mind, I still am.”
“Why does he have to be Jewish?”
“My mother explained it to me, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”
“I’ll just add ‘Fiddler On The Roof’ to the list.”
“A musical? Really?”
“I don’t mind musicals.”
“So, are we watching these movies together?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“Well, one could assume that if we were, it would be a date. Wouldn‘t want that.”
“Well, I will make sure I’m wearing sweatpants so no one gets that idea.”
“I’ll…I don’t know. Put my hair in a ponytail.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen your hair in a ponytail.”
“It just looks like a ponytail. There.”
“Whoa.”
“What?”
“Nothing, you just look…really a lot younger when you do that?”
“Oh, great.”
“Trust me, in ten years when you’re still getting carded, it won’t seem like such a burden.”
“We’re not going to know each other in ten years.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Jeff, it’s not that big of a deal. I hardly talk to the people I was in second grade with either.”
“We’re friends.”
“For now.”
“Is this the part where you get maudlin and say that you’ve never had as good a friend as me and you can’t bear the idea of not staying in contact with me?”
“No.”
“Good.”
“I don’t think we would ever stay in touch.”
“Why?”
“Hmm?”
“Why in your hypothetical future are we not speaking?”
“We can’t really be friends.”
“Why?”
“’When Harry Met Sally‘.”
“Oh, that one you have seen.”
“Yes, so you can cross it off your list.”
“It wasn’t on my list.”
“’Alive’ is on your list, but not ‘When Harry Met Sally’?”
“Apparently we have different definitions of the term ‘classic’, and mine doesn’t include movies where Billy Crystal wears a hairpiece.”
“Whatever, Jeff.”
“So, you want to have sex?”
“Excuse me?”
“You want to have sex with me.”
“Umm…like right now?”
“You referenced ‘When Harry Met Sally’ as the reason that we can’t be friends.”
“Oh.”
“So, you want to have sex with me?”
“Well, not right now. I don’t like rug burn.”
“That was really….wow.”
“This from the guy who just blatantly accused me of wanting to have sex with him.”
“Are you drunk?”
“Yes, I keep a flask strapped to my thigh.”
“If that were true, you would get invited to more parties.”
“So you think I would be more popular if I was more of a…skanky… lush?”
“Well, I think your uptightness is adorably endearing, Annie.”
“Yeah, my type A thing is really in the pro column for a lot of guys.”
“Do you care about being popular?”
“Doesn’t everybody?”
“I don’t.”
“It doesn’t stop you from actually being popular, though.”
“But it doesn’t matter, you have to know that by now.”
“Thank you.”
“You said you were cold. Are you smelling my sleeve?”
“No.”
“Yes, you were.”
“It smells good.”
“You mean I smell good.”
“Yes, you smell good. Stop grinning.”
“I’m not.”
“Do you have a separate reserve of energy just to spend on flirting with women?”
“I’m not flirting.”
“Yes, you are.”
“You were flirting, I was just… acknowledging it.”
“I wasn’t flirting.”
“You were just smelling.”
“Jeff, stop it.”
“Relax, I’m just teasing.”
“Well, stop.”
“Annie.”
“What?”
“I’m not sure.”
“What?”
“I don’t know, you’re doing that female thing where you expect me to know why you’re suddenly mad at me.”
“Ugh.”
“Seriously, what just happened here?”
“It’s just that…”
“Annie…”
“I mean, everybody already thinks that I’m in love with you and you couldn’t care less, which is…whatever.”
“Annie-”
“But do you really have to join in on it?”
“Annie-”
“The looks of pity I get from Britta are humiliating, Jeff.”
“Annie, Britta always has a stick up her ass about something. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Okay.”
“Annie, when I kissed you-”
“Could you stop saying that?”
“What?”
“That you kissed me.”
“Um, I know it’s something that I said we shouldn’t talk about, but I’m pretty sure that we did…”
“You keep saying that you kissed me, which is not what happened.”
“I was there, I think-”
“I kissed you, Jeff.”
“Well, I mean we both-”
“No. In every kiss, there is one person who initiates and one who reciprocates.”
“Which I did.”
“Well, it’s really rude to not even respond to someone when they kiss you.”
“So, I didn’t kiss you.”
“No. Neither time.”
“Do I get points for…aggressive…reciprocity?”
“Ew, no.”
“I mean, it isn’t like I can just…kiss you or something.”
“Fine.”
“Okay.”
“Why is that?”
“Why is what?”
“That you can’t kiss me?”
“I…do you want me to kiss you?”
“No. I don‘t know. I don‘t want to answer that.”
“Okay.”
“Fine.”
“Jeff-”
“There.”
“Okay.”
“So now I can say that I kissed you.”
“To who?”
“What?”
“Who are you talking about this with?”
“I…don’t know?”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah.”
“So you did that to prove a point?”
“What?”
“I’m asking why you did that.”
“I thought maybe you wanted me to? Did I read that wrong?”
“No. I mean, I don‘t know.”
“So, it was…okay then?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
“Yep.”
“Okay, great.”
“I’m still hungry.”
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2860
Disclaimer: Don't own em. Please don't sue me, Dan Harmon.
This is a dialogue only piece I wrote a while ago. Let me know what you think. Unless you hate it.
“I’m hungry.”
“I have gum.”
“What flavor?”
“Uh, cinnamon?”
“Eh.”
“Then I guess you’re not very hungry.”
“Okay, you just sounded so much like my dad there.”
“Shut up. How long do you think we’ve been in here?”
“Ten minutes?”
“You think it’s only been that long? It’s seemed like longer than that.”
“Thanks. I don’t know how long it’s been, Jeff. I was venturing a guess. Notice how my inflection went up at the end, signifying a question?”
“Adorable.”
Maybe I will have some gum.”
“No.”
“No?”
“I’ve taken the offer off the table.”
“Jeff!”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have gone ‘eh’ to it in the first place.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Gum won’t help that you know, Annie.”
“I wish I had my books in here. At least then I could get some studying done.”
“There might actually be something really wrong with you, you know that?”
“It’s not wrong to want to do well in school, Jeff.”
“We are trapped in a supply closet, Annie. Your grade point average should not be at the top of the list of your …weirdo idiosyncrasies that we are dealing with here.”
“Really? Which ‘crazy Annie’ thing should we be dealing with?”
“I didn’t call you crazy, for the record.”
“You didn’t refute it either.”
“Well, no. You are a little crazy, Annie. Why would I refute that?”
“See? You’re a jerk.”
“I wish my phone hadn‘t died.”
“Yeah, that ‘Angry Birds’ score won’t beat itself.”
“I do important things with that phone.”
“Like what?”
“Um, like maybe calling someone to come let us out of here?”
“Are you really that miserable in here?”
“Annie, it’s not a matter of being miserable. It’s nine o’clock on a Friday night. Things could get very ‘Alive’ in here.”
“That’s a reference I don’t get.”
“Seriously, you need to see some movies that were made before nineteen ninety-seven.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I’m starting a mental list right now. Classic movies Annie needs to see.”
“And ‘Alive’ makes the cut? You’re using the word ‘classic’ a little liberally there.”
“It’s about a rugby team that is in an airplane crash and to survive, they have to eat the people that have died.”
“I figured.”
“Then why did you say you didn’t get the reference?”
“I wanted to make you feel old.”
“You really only need to be in the room for that to happen.”
“Whatever.”
“Would you really be studying on a Friday night if we weren’t in here?”
“What else would I be doing? You guys are my only friends. Troy and Abed always do something together. Britta avoids me most of the time. Shirley spends time with her family. You pretend none of us exist most of the time and I am not desperate enough to hang out with Pierce.”
“Are humans capable of getting to that level of desperation?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t act like none of you exist.”
“Of course you do, Jeff. Admit it, you were on your way to your apartment, where you were likely to ignore any communication with any of us for the entire weekend.”
“I answer when you text me.”
“I don’t text you anymore.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“If I hadn’t guilted you into coming in here to help me get paint off the top shelf for the diorama I’m working on, I would not have seen you until Monday afternoon in the study room. And you just happened to be walking by. Which means that if I hadn’t spotted you and run after you, you wouldn’t even have stopped and said anything to me.”
“Annie, you were in a classroom that I happened to be walking by. It isn’t like I saw you and covered my face with a book so you wouldn’t notice me.”
“Hmm.”
“And it’s not like you’ve ever asked me to do something with you, y’know.”
“Oh, please. Like there’s a chance that if I had asked you to…”
“To…?”
“I don’t know, go to a movie with me-”
“What movie?”
“It doesn’t matter, because the response I would get will always be no.”
“If it was a really good movie…”
“Jeff, do you want to go to a movie with me?”
“Um-”
“See? The two of us can’t hang out together, because your mind immediately goes to the ‘date’ place, which is not fair.”
“Really. I would be crazy to think you were asking me on a date if you asked me to go to the movies with you.”
“And that’s why I would never ask you to do something with me.”
“We’re hanging out now.”
“This is not hanging out. We’re stuck in here together.”
“Well, I’m having fun. Kind of.”
“Between whining about your phone and warning me you might succumb to cannibalism?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m done with guys anyway.”
“What?”
“I said I’m done with guys. Asking guys out is a terrible experience that I’m not going to repeat.”
“Yeah, I heard you asked out Rich. Sorry… about that.”
“What? From who?”
“Uh, you.”
“I told you I was going to ask him out, not that I actually did.”
“It doesn’t take a huge leap in logic to go there, Annie.”
“Jeff.”
“Abed told me.”
“I don’t believe this. Does everyone know?”
“What’s there to know?”
“That I went hopelessly chasing after another guy only to be shot down for being too young?”
“I think he told me because he thought I would care.”
“Well, he’s not paying attention then.”
“I’m sorry that he let you down, but I’m not sorry he said no.”
“What does that mean?”
“Rich? Is the worst possible choice, Annie.”
“Rich? Is a handsome doctor who spends his free time volunteering at orphanages and soup kitchens, Jeff.”
“Yeah, but he wears loafers.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“This whole thing was just a little fickle and easy, wasn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing, it’s just you were in love with me four months ago, and then you happen to fall in love with the one man on the planet that I have an actual real disdain for.”
“Hold on one second.”
“For what?”
“Why do you just assume that I was in love with you?”
“Annie, you twirled your hair.”
“And there’s no difference between a small crush and a real thing?”
“Aha!”
“Aha what? Yes, I had a crush on you. Half the girls at this school do.”
“Really?”
“You are so infinitely pleased with yourself. Yes, the girls in line at the cafeteria think you‘re cute.”
“Hmm.”
“And you smile at them and wink and they don’t know about the part where you kiss them and then act like they don’t exist and you never meant any of it and it only happened because they’re a young inexperienced girl that had some nubile flesh you had a hankering for.”
“Annie…”
“But they will figure it out, and it will make them smarter.”
“And also really talkative.”
“I guess. It‘s freezing in here.”
“I never meant for you to get caught up in that whole mess with Britta.”
“I know. I… I injected myself into it because I wanted to think I was a legitimate factor. It was…stupid and childish.”
“I kissed you because I wanted to, Annie.”
“No, you didn’t. But I was standing right there when you told Shirley all about it.”
“What I said to Shirley…it wasn’t fair.”
“Jeff, you don’t have to do this.”
“Okay.”
“Fine.”
“At the transfer dance, when Britta and Slater were losing their minds and confessing their love to me, it felt…I don’t know, wrong I guess?”
“You spent the entire year chasing one or both of them, it couldn’t have been that wrong.”
“It was though. I’m not good at talking about this kind of stuff, Annie.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“My feelings.”
“I know.”
“They were fighting over me, trying to one-up each other. And I ran away. Because I didn’t know what to feel about either of them. And then you were back. And it just seemed so…easy.”
“Jeff.”
“I kissed you because I- you… were a choice that didn’t require any thought. Could you say something now?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
“You‘re still looking at me.”
“I wanted to see if what happened when we kissed at the debate was a fluke.”
“And?”
“Just because something feels right on the inside doesn’t mean it doesn’t seem really wrong to everyone else on the outside.”
“So it was about appearance?”
“No.”
“Really? Because it kind of seems like-”
“Annie! You’re young and beautiful and brilliant. I would have been worshipped. Would be worshipped.”
“So, what was it?”
“I’m…gay.”
“Jeff.”
“I am, ask Pierce.”
“Fine, whatever.”
“I’m… not a good guy.”
“What? Why do you say that?”
“I faked a law degree in order to make lots of money getting people off for crimes they committed. Is there another word for it?”
“You also occasionally stand up for things you believe in and care about.”
“Annie, one way or another…this…it gets bad.”
“You hold me at arm’s length because you think it will hurt me less than letting me get close and experiencing real heartbreak.”
“Let’s not get overly dramatic. This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Whatever.”
“Here.”
“Thank you. Although gum really should only be mint.”
“You’re welcome. I think Troy’s got a thing for Britta.”
“Well, yeah.”
“You know?”
“I pay attention to things.”
“Huh.”
“Are you jealous?”
“Of what?”
“Of that fact that she’s the girl of your dreams and he wouldn’t have to work very hard to have her.”
“She is not the girl of my dreams.”
“The entire reason we’re friends is because you wanted to bone her.”
“Bone? I expected more from you, Annie.”
“Well, kids say the darndest things.”
“And what do you mean he wouldn’t have to work very hard?”
“Have you seen them together? They’re adorable.”
“Britta doesn’t do adorable.”
“She just doesn’t do adorable when she’s around you.”
“What does that mean?”
“You guys make each other hard. Don’t even.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
“It’s not even that really. When you and Britta are together, you devolve into snotty kids.”
“When you and Britta are together, you oil wrestle.”
“Are people still talking about that? That was months ago.”
“Just the other day, someone changed all the computer lab wallpapers to a picture of her on top of you.”
“Jeff! Did you change them back?”
“No. I can appreciate artistic expression.”
“Who did it?”
“My money’s on Starburns, but I have no proof.”
“Did you know that you say that wrong?”
“What?”
“Starburns.”
“I say it the same way you say it.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Say it.”
“Starburns.”
“Right, Starburns.”
“No, but you emphasize the wrong syllable.”
“What?”
“It’s Starburns, like sideburns.”
“And what do I say?”
“Starburns. Like Ken Burns.”
“You know who Ken Burns is?”
“I like PBS.”
“Of course you do.”
“How can it be so cold in here?”
“I’m guessing they don’t feel the need to heat the supply closet. They don’t really plan on people getting stuck in here.”
“Well, Abed should school them in basic television tropes then.”
“Tropes, Annie?”
“I’ve been spending time in his dorm room.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Why are you giving me that look?”
“What look?”
“That one. That Jeff ‘I’m shocked’ thing with the raised eyebrows and the smirk and everything.”
“Just surprised is all.”
Didn’t you live with him?”
“Yes and it was a blast. You guys just don’t usually hang out alone.”
“And you’re implying…?”
“…that you and Abed are going to fall in love and make adorably magical babies.”
“Of course. That would clean everything up really nicely, wouldn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean your silent hope is that I find a nice young Jewish boy to marry and have lots of babies with, because then and only then can you breathe a sigh of relief that I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“If I was less of a gentleman, I would point out that you said that you weren’t in love with me anymore, which would imply that at one point, you were.”
“In your mind, I still am.”
“Why does he have to be Jewish?”
“My mother explained it to me, but I wasn’t really paying attention.”
“I’ll just add ‘Fiddler On The Roof’ to the list.”
“A musical? Really?”
“I don’t mind musicals.”
“So, are we watching these movies together?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“Well, one could assume that if we were, it would be a date. Wouldn‘t want that.”
“Well, I will make sure I’m wearing sweatpants so no one gets that idea.”
“I’ll…I don’t know. Put my hair in a ponytail.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen your hair in a ponytail.”
“It just looks like a ponytail. There.”
“Whoa.”
“What?”
“Nothing, you just look…really a lot younger when you do that?”
“Oh, great.”
“Trust me, in ten years when you’re still getting carded, it won’t seem like such a burden.”
“We’re not going to know each other in ten years.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Jeff, it’s not that big of a deal. I hardly talk to the people I was in second grade with either.”
“We’re friends.”
“For now.”
“Is this the part where you get maudlin and say that you’ve never had as good a friend as me and you can’t bear the idea of not staying in contact with me?”
“No.”
“Good.”
“I don’t think we would ever stay in touch.”
“Why?”
“Hmm?”
“Why in your hypothetical future are we not speaking?”
“We can’t really be friends.”
“Why?”
“’When Harry Met Sally‘.”
“Oh, that one you have seen.”
“Yes, so you can cross it off your list.”
“It wasn’t on my list.”
“’Alive’ is on your list, but not ‘When Harry Met Sally’?”
“Apparently we have different definitions of the term ‘classic’, and mine doesn’t include movies where Billy Crystal wears a hairpiece.”
“Whatever, Jeff.”
“So, you want to have sex?”
“Excuse me?”
“You want to have sex with me.”
“Umm…like right now?”
“You referenced ‘When Harry Met Sally’ as the reason that we can’t be friends.”
“Oh.”
“So, you want to have sex with me?”
“Well, not right now. I don’t like rug burn.”
“That was really….wow.”
“This from the guy who just blatantly accused me of wanting to have sex with him.”
“Are you drunk?”
“Yes, I keep a flask strapped to my thigh.”
“If that were true, you would get invited to more parties.”
“So you think I would be more popular if I was more of a…skanky… lush?”
“Well, I think your uptightness is adorably endearing, Annie.”
“Yeah, my type A thing is really in the pro column for a lot of guys.”
“Do you care about being popular?”
“Doesn’t everybody?”
“I don’t.”
“It doesn’t stop you from actually being popular, though.”
“But it doesn’t matter, you have to know that by now.”
“Thank you.”
“You said you were cold. Are you smelling my sleeve?”
“No.”
“Yes, you were.”
“It smells good.”
“You mean I smell good.”
“Yes, you smell good. Stop grinning.”
“I’m not.”
“Do you have a separate reserve of energy just to spend on flirting with women?”
“I’m not flirting.”
“Yes, you are.”
“You were flirting, I was just… acknowledging it.”
“I wasn’t flirting.”
“You were just smelling.”
“Jeff, stop it.”
“Relax, I’m just teasing.”
“Well, stop.”
“Annie.”
“What?”
“I’m not sure.”
“What?”
“I don’t know, you’re doing that female thing where you expect me to know why you’re suddenly mad at me.”
“Ugh.”
“Seriously, what just happened here?”
“It’s just that…”
“Annie…”
“I mean, everybody already thinks that I’m in love with you and you couldn’t care less, which is…whatever.”
“Annie-”
“But do you really have to join in on it?”
“Annie-”
“The looks of pity I get from Britta are humiliating, Jeff.”
“Annie, Britta always has a stick up her ass about something. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Okay.”
“Annie, when I kissed you-”
“Could you stop saying that?”
“What?”
“That you kissed me.”
“Um, I know it’s something that I said we shouldn’t talk about, but I’m pretty sure that we did…”
“You keep saying that you kissed me, which is not what happened.”
“I was there, I think-”
“I kissed you, Jeff.”
“Well, I mean we both-”
“No. In every kiss, there is one person who initiates and one who reciprocates.”
“Which I did.”
“Well, it’s really rude to not even respond to someone when they kiss you.”
“So, I didn’t kiss you.”
“No. Neither time.”
“Do I get points for…aggressive…reciprocity?”
“Ew, no.”
“I mean, it isn’t like I can just…kiss you or something.”
“Fine.”
“Okay.”
“Why is that?”
“Why is what?”
“That you can’t kiss me?”
“I…do you want me to kiss you?”
“No. I don‘t know. I don‘t want to answer that.”
“Okay.”
“Fine.”
“Jeff-”
“There.”
“Okay.”
“So now I can say that I kissed you.”
“To who?”
“What?”
“Who are you talking about this with?”
“I…don’t know?”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah.”
“So you did that to prove a point?”
“What?”
“I’m asking why you did that.”
“I thought maybe you wanted me to? Did I read that wrong?”
“No. I mean, I don‘t know.”
“So, it was…okay then?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
“Yep.”
“Okay, great.”
“I’m still hungry.”