(no subject)
This entry is part business, part apology, and part continued rant.
First let's get the rant out of the way. I feel like I'm currently losing on all fronts...well that's not completely true, but sort of. I was more affected by the other night than I was ready to let on...not that it wasn't semi-obvious, but still. When you have been trying to keep someone happy for a long time, and have repressed a lot of emotions, and held your tongue so many times, and done things you were less than excited about in order to please them, and they come back and scream at you like and make you feel like all those efforts were for nothing, because all they saw was you apparently working against them...that stings. When she compares me to someone she is very vocal about hating....that hurts. And when your mom calls you a freak and says she's embarrassed to be seen with you...guess what? yeah...it's pretty crushing. Up *ahem* Rachel has some huge rejection/abandonment issues (don't we all, right?) so hearing her yell at me to leave her along, and implying that I make her feel like shit about herself...wait what? I know you didn't just say that...you got upset and started talking out of your ass. I know she just got overwhelmed with losing her aunt, and some of the people close to her not being supportive enough. That's fine I totally get that, but I did not deserve to have her anger pointed in my direction...throughout all these years dare I say I grew up too fast in some respects to shoulder some of her burdens...I'm the only one that has been a constant in her life, and to turn on me at a low point...no, you don't do that. Part of me wants to be understanding and just let it go, but there is a bigger part of me that is a selfish child, who just got hurt and because of that I just want to say, no, you lose, and you can't come back. I know I need to be forgiving, but when she's not saying sorry and I'm still hurt from January, I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
SO, I need to have an awkward conversation with my mom...I have to be the adult, talk about my issues, tell her about my paAAin and confront her with her actions. Oh gee, aren't I just so excited. I'm not even sure I'll get the nerve to do it...I'm just saying I should because if I have to try to get to the root of Jason and Larry's issues just one more time I swear I'll...I DON"T FREAKING CARE THEY CAN GO TO THE DESERT AND EAT SAND AND I HAVE A GOOD PLACE TO PUT THIS RAINSTICK......*INHALE* *EXHALE* nevermind.
So part two is a thank you that I don't know how to put into words...how do you say thanks for helping you keep your sanity when you are on the verge of losing it? Well, I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out, but for now, just know that even though I don't know how to say it, I really really mean it...and yes this is to you <3...I'm looking forward to LA.
AND finally part 3 business....oh the internet....such a magical and yet fickle thing. SO I tried to buy Club Party Monster tickets this morning. Got through the form just fine, until we got to one of the stupidest things I have ever seen....they want me to use the mouse to draw my signature. Um..ummmm....ok..and they tell you to make sure that it's an accurate representation of the signature on your card. Ok so when I sign my card...I use a pen on a flat surface....this is like asking me to recreate said signature, using a spyrograph, a piece of charcoal, and mindcontrol to manipulate a monkey use his toes to work the spyrograph with the piece of charcoal and end up with my signature. It's in cursive! Ok, so I know some people are more talented with the computer graphics than I, but I have decent motor skills, and this task was just not happening. So eventually I said screw it...I'll just convince the guy at the counter that that giant swirl in the middle of his screen is really my name in cursive...mhm. So I hit submit....get the good old "Page Cannot Be Displayed" error page...Oh yay. GO back...make another earthworm-on-a-hot-sidewalk shaped swirl....get the error page again...after the 3rd try I attempted to pull up the help page....which wouldn't load either. AO I have no idea if the charge went through to my credit card or not, and if it did, I have a bigger problem because I couldn't print the confirmation page. So I [thik I] have no ticket, and I feel like wearing a dunce cap for the remainder of the day. I REALLY hope this isn't a sign for me to just give up on all this.
I love it when I come across my old Second Coming ablum...mmm...reminds me when I first started listening to Z-Rock...oh the beginning of my downfall. I also like hearing a man walk on our roof.
First let's get the rant out of the way. I feel like I'm currently losing on all fronts...well that's not completely true, but sort of. I was more affected by the other night than I was ready to let on...not that it wasn't semi-obvious, but still. When you have been trying to keep someone happy for a long time, and have repressed a lot of emotions, and held your tongue so many times, and done things you were less than excited about in order to please them, and they come back and scream at you like and make you feel like all those efforts were for nothing, because all they saw was you apparently working against them...that stings. When she compares me to someone she is very vocal about hating....that hurts. And when your mom calls you a freak and says she's embarrassed to be seen with you...guess what? yeah...it's pretty crushing. Up *ahem* Rachel has some huge rejection/abandonment issues (don't we all, right?) so hearing her yell at me to leave her along, and implying that I make her feel like shit about herself...wait what? I know you didn't just say that...you got upset and started talking out of your ass. I know she just got overwhelmed with losing her aunt, and some of the people close to her not being supportive enough. That's fine I totally get that, but I did not deserve to have her anger pointed in my direction...throughout all these years dare I say I grew up too fast in some respects to shoulder some of her burdens...I'm the only one that has been a constant in her life, and to turn on me at a low point...no, you don't do that. Part of me wants to be understanding and just let it go, but there is a bigger part of me that is a selfish child, who just got hurt and because of that I just want to say, no, you lose, and you can't come back. I know I need to be forgiving, but when she's not saying sorry and I'm still hurt from January, I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
SO, I need to have an awkward conversation with my mom...I have to be the adult, talk about my issues, tell her about my paAAin and confront her with her actions. Oh gee, aren't I just so excited. I'm not even sure I'll get the nerve to do it...I'm just saying I should because if I have to try to get to the root of Jason and Larry's issues just one more time I swear I'll...I DON"T FREAKING CARE THEY CAN GO TO THE DESERT AND EAT SAND AND I HAVE A GOOD PLACE TO PUT THIS RAINSTICK......*INHALE* *EXHALE* nevermind.
So part two is a thank you that I don't know how to put into words...how do you say thanks for helping you keep your sanity when you are on the verge of losing it? Well, I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out, but for now, just know that even though I don't know how to say it, I really really mean it...and yes this is to you <3...I'm looking forward to LA.
AND finally part 3 business....oh the internet....such a magical and yet fickle thing. SO I tried to buy Club Party Monster tickets this morning. Got through the form just fine, until we got to one of the stupidest things I have ever seen....they want me to use the mouse to draw my signature. Um..ummmm....ok..and they tell you to make sure that it's an accurate representation of the signature on your card. Ok so when I sign my card...I use a pen on a flat surface....this is like asking me to recreate said signature, using a spyrograph, a piece of charcoal, and mindcontrol to manipulate a monkey use his toes to work the spyrograph with the piece of charcoal and end up with my signature. It's in cursive! Ok, so I know some people are more talented with the computer graphics than I, but I have decent motor skills, and this task was just not happening. So eventually I said screw it...I'll just convince the guy at the counter that that giant swirl in the middle of his screen is really my name in cursive...mhm. So I hit submit....get the good old "Page Cannot Be Displayed" error page...Oh yay. GO back...make another earthworm-on-a-hot-sidewalk shaped swirl....get the error page again...after the 3rd try I attempted to pull up the help page....which wouldn't load either. AO I have no idea if the charge went through to my credit card or not, and if it did, I have a bigger problem because I couldn't print the confirmation page. So I [thik I] have no ticket, and I feel like wearing a dunce cap for the remainder of the day. I REALLY hope this isn't a sign for me to just give up on all this.
I love it when I come across my old Second Coming ablum...mmm...reminds me when I first started listening to Z-Rock...oh the beginning of my downfall. I also like hearing a man walk on our roof.