Crackfic posting in the dead of night
Title: We're On A Boat
Fandom: Silmarillion
Summary: Irisse and Artanis are going sailing. Inspired by/continuation of minviendha's fic Seasick, and apparently I have missed another bit of fanon, this one about Celegorm being no good with boats.
‘Artanis, are you sure we’re not riding too low in the water on the left-hand side?’ Irisse adjusted her grip on the rope and wondered once again why she had let her cousin talk her into this.
‘Port side,’ said Artanis airily, ‘and no, we’re not. We’re on port tack, you see, so we have to keep our weight on the port side while the sail balances us-’ spray flew in her face and she laughed, shaking her head to clear the drops from her eyes.
‘We’re going rather fast,’ said Irisse dubiously.
‘We’re not, actually,’ said Artanis. ‘It’s just that we’re very close to the water so it appears that we’re moving quickly. Actually, I estimate that we’re going at the same speed as a cantering horse.’
I should be on a horse, thought Irisse sulkily. And apparently I’m wrong about everything to do with boats, but I won’t give her the chance to correct me again. Silence reigned in the tiny craft (Artanis had assured her that it was meant to be sailed by two people, but it was barely long enough for her to lie down). She was definitely going to get rope burns from this, not to mention that she had nearly been brained by the wildly swinging beam twice already. Artanis called it the boom. Irisse imagined that it got its name from the sound it made when it struck somebody’s head.
‘We should tack again soon,’ Artanis said, which apparently meant right now in the sailor’s jargon. Irisse heaved herself across to the other side of the boat and grabbed what she hoped was the right rope. That important fact taken care of, she braced one leg against the other side of the boat and leaned out like Artanis was. With the wind blowing in her hair it was not so terrible, she admitted to herself, but it was nothing that she couldn’t experience if she rode side-saddle.
Then she saw something that made the entire experience worthwhile. ‘There’s another boat up ahead,’ she called to Artanis.
‘Will we miss it?’ said her cousin.
‘I hope not,’ said Irisse. ‘I can hear Moryo berating someone for not holding the mainsheet tight enough-’ and she was pleased to note that she was holding the mainsheet tightly enough and she’d also used the right word, because Artanis didn’t correct her ‘-and good grief, I think he’s yelling at Tyelko. What on earth is he doing there? He hates boats.’
‘Let’s find out, shall we?’ said Artanis with a grin, and shifted the tiller slightly to point them straight at the other boat.
‘Nice day for sailing, isn’t it?’ Irisse called to the Feanorians when they were within earshot. Tyelko appeared over the side of the boat looking as pale as a fish, while Moryo exchanged sadistic-cousin nods with Artanis and concentrated on stopping the small craft from capsizing. ‘Thank Varda, my prayers have been answered! Get me off this wretched craft right now!’
‘I don’t see how we could improve your situation,’ said Artanis unsympathetically. ‘We are, as you can see, also in a boat.’
‘How did you ever agree to come out here in the first place?’ Irisse said to him.
‘Treachery,’ said Tyelko savagely, ‘deception and lies. He said that we were going to look at a new horse he was interested in and he manhandled me into this cursed craft before I knew what was happened. I was kidnapped. And Huan, faithless creature that he is, did absolutely nothing to help me.’ And indeed, Huan was sitting on the port side of the boat, wagging his tail and sending water over his ailing master.
‘I can’t even kill it,’ Tyelko said unhappily, ‘horrible thing that it is, it’s not even alive so I can’t kill it for putting me through this misery.’
‘You could burn it-’ said Moryo helpfully.
‘You can’t solve all you problems by burning things,’ said Artanis sharply.
‘-but of course you would have to buy it from the owner first,’ Moryo continued, ‘so perhaps it’s better if you’d just shut up and bear it.’
‘And then he has the nerve to berate me for-’ was as far as Tyelko got before he leaned over the side and threw up again, nearly overbalancing the boat.
‘I told you not to put your weight over the windward side!’ she could hear Moryo yelling. ‘If you’re going to throw up, throw up over here! You won’t put us both in the water at least.’
Then they tacked again, which Irisse managed almost gracefully, although she was sure Tyelko was too busy feeling ill to notice. The other boat nearly went over before Moryo could steady it, and eventually the part of holding the mainsheet steady was entrusted to Huan. ‘Should have left you on shore,’ she heard him mutter.
‘That’s what I’ve been telling you this past hour!’ Tyelko snapped at him, and the boat tipped alarmingly again.
‘I think you’re being rather harsh, Moryo,’ said Artanis. ‘This is Tyelko’s first time in a boat this size, isn’t it? I’ve had to take Irisse out twice before now to make her into a capable sailor.’
‘I’m not doing this another two times,’ Tyelko moaned.
‘We’re not going back to shore yet,’ Moryo told him, which provoked another groan.
‘You’re being cruel, Moryo. Swap places with me, I’ll take him back to shore,’ said Irisse before she could decide it was a bad idea.
‘Are you sure?’ Artanis murmured in her ear, sounding surprised.
‘Perfectly,’ said Irisse, which was not entirely true but really, the shore was right in front of them. How hard could it be?
‘As you wish,’ said Artanis with a shrug. They brought the boats together and Irisse carefully stepped over Tyelko and onto the lee side of the boat. Then Moryo crossed over to Artanis, with Huan following.
‘Faithless creature,’ she muttered as he passed. ‘Get up off the floor, Tyelko, I’m taking you home. Hold the rudder there and we’ll be back before you can throw up again.’ Tyelko looked at her as though she had just saved his life, clutched at the rudder and smiled weakly.
‘Never again,’ he muttered. ‘Irisse, promise me that you’ll have me shot if I ever look to get on a boat again.’
‘Will do,’ said Irisse absently. ‘Concentrate, now.’
...
‘How long do you give them before they capsize, then?’ said Artanis to Moryo as they pulled away.
‘Count to a thousand-’ there was the sound of a large splash, and then two voices doing their best to mimic drowning cats ‘-if that.’
Fandom: Silmarillion
Summary: Irisse and Artanis are going sailing. Inspired by/continuation of minviendha's fic Seasick, and apparently I have missed another bit of fanon, this one about Celegorm being no good with boats.
‘Artanis, are you sure we’re not riding too low in the water on the left-hand side?’ Irisse adjusted her grip on the rope and wondered once again why she had let her cousin talk her into this.
‘Port side,’ said Artanis airily, ‘and no, we’re not. We’re on port tack, you see, so we have to keep our weight on the port side while the sail balances us-’ spray flew in her face and she laughed, shaking her head to clear the drops from her eyes.
‘We’re going rather fast,’ said Irisse dubiously.
‘We’re not, actually,’ said Artanis. ‘It’s just that we’re very close to the water so it appears that we’re moving quickly. Actually, I estimate that we’re going at the same speed as a cantering horse.’
I should be on a horse, thought Irisse sulkily. And apparently I’m wrong about everything to do with boats, but I won’t give her the chance to correct me again. Silence reigned in the tiny craft (Artanis had assured her that it was meant to be sailed by two people, but it was barely long enough for her to lie down). She was definitely going to get rope burns from this, not to mention that she had nearly been brained by the wildly swinging beam twice already. Artanis called it the boom. Irisse imagined that it got its name from the sound it made when it struck somebody’s head.
‘We should tack again soon,’ Artanis said, which apparently meant right now in the sailor’s jargon. Irisse heaved herself across to the other side of the boat and grabbed what she hoped was the right rope. That important fact taken care of, she braced one leg against the other side of the boat and leaned out like Artanis was. With the wind blowing in her hair it was not so terrible, she admitted to herself, but it was nothing that she couldn’t experience if she rode side-saddle.
Then she saw something that made the entire experience worthwhile. ‘There’s another boat up ahead,’ she called to Artanis.
‘Will we miss it?’ said her cousin.
‘I hope not,’ said Irisse. ‘I can hear Moryo berating someone for not holding the mainsheet tight enough-’ and she was pleased to note that she was holding the mainsheet tightly enough and she’d also used the right word, because Artanis didn’t correct her ‘-and good grief, I think he’s yelling at Tyelko. What on earth is he doing there? He hates boats.’
‘Let’s find out, shall we?’ said Artanis with a grin, and shifted the tiller slightly to point them straight at the other boat.
‘Nice day for sailing, isn’t it?’ Irisse called to the Feanorians when they were within earshot. Tyelko appeared over the side of the boat looking as pale as a fish, while Moryo exchanged sadistic-cousin nods with Artanis and concentrated on stopping the small craft from capsizing. ‘Thank Varda, my prayers have been answered! Get me off this wretched craft right now!’
‘I don’t see how we could improve your situation,’ said Artanis unsympathetically. ‘We are, as you can see, also in a boat.’
‘How did you ever agree to come out here in the first place?’ Irisse said to him.
‘Treachery,’ said Tyelko savagely, ‘deception and lies. He said that we were going to look at a new horse he was interested in and he manhandled me into this cursed craft before I knew what was happened. I was kidnapped. And Huan, faithless creature that he is, did absolutely nothing to help me.’ And indeed, Huan was sitting on the port side of the boat, wagging his tail and sending water over his ailing master.
‘I can’t even kill it,’ Tyelko said unhappily, ‘horrible thing that it is, it’s not even alive so I can’t kill it for putting me through this misery.’
‘You could burn it-’ said Moryo helpfully.
‘You can’t solve all you problems by burning things,’ said Artanis sharply.
‘-but of course you would have to buy it from the owner first,’ Moryo continued, ‘so perhaps it’s better if you’d just shut up and bear it.’
‘And then he has the nerve to berate me for-’ was as far as Tyelko got before he leaned over the side and threw up again, nearly overbalancing the boat.
‘I told you not to put your weight over the windward side!’ she could hear Moryo yelling. ‘If you’re going to throw up, throw up over here! You won’t put us both in the water at least.’
Then they tacked again, which Irisse managed almost gracefully, although she was sure Tyelko was too busy feeling ill to notice. The other boat nearly went over before Moryo could steady it, and eventually the part of holding the mainsheet steady was entrusted to Huan. ‘Should have left you on shore,’ she heard him mutter.
‘That’s what I’ve been telling you this past hour!’ Tyelko snapped at him, and the boat tipped alarmingly again.
‘I think you’re being rather harsh, Moryo,’ said Artanis. ‘This is Tyelko’s first time in a boat this size, isn’t it? I’ve had to take Irisse out twice before now to make her into a capable sailor.’
‘I’m not doing this another two times,’ Tyelko moaned.
‘We’re not going back to shore yet,’ Moryo told him, which provoked another groan.
‘You’re being cruel, Moryo. Swap places with me, I’ll take him back to shore,’ said Irisse before she could decide it was a bad idea.
‘Are you sure?’ Artanis murmured in her ear, sounding surprised.
‘Perfectly,’ said Irisse, which was not entirely true but really, the shore was right in front of them. How hard could it be?
‘As you wish,’ said Artanis with a shrug. They brought the boats together and Irisse carefully stepped over Tyelko and onto the lee side of the boat. Then Moryo crossed over to Artanis, with Huan following.
‘Faithless creature,’ she muttered as he passed. ‘Get up off the floor, Tyelko, I’m taking you home. Hold the rudder there and we’ll be back before you can throw up again.’ Tyelko looked at her as though she had just saved his life, clutched at the rudder and smiled weakly.
‘Never again,’ he muttered. ‘Irisse, promise me that you’ll have me shot if I ever look to get on a boat again.’
‘Will do,’ said Irisse absently. ‘Concentrate, now.’
...
‘How long do you give them before they capsize, then?’ said Artanis to Moryo as they pulled away.
‘Count to a thousand-’ there was the sound of a large splash, and then two voices doing their best to mimic drowning cats ‘-if that.’