and so it rolls...
do you know how many times i've started this post just to delete it? when did i get like this?
back in september, i lost my job. in a sense, it was serendipitous. it happened *right* before our lease was set to be resigned and *right* before i let my house here in Birmingham go back to the bankers. for two years i had been paying rent and mortgage and i just couldn't do it anymore. we decided rather than screw my credit royally, we'd move back to Birmingham and only pay mortgage out of unemployment. we'd be close to family, help, assistance. it could be good. we knew the odds of me finding a job here would not be nearly as good as me finding a job there but something said to go.
and it sucked. the day we were to leave Phoenix i broke down and wasn't sure we were doing the right thing. because of that, we left the day after. and my heart broke again.
i love my friends in Phoenix. i loved my job. i love the weather. i loved our life. even if we were broke all the time from paying the rent and mortgage, even if i missed my friends and family in Birmingham so much it hurt, i loved our life in Phoenix.
but i fell victim to the third round of "workforce reduction" at my company and we decided to come back.
and it has it's good points. we are near AMAZING friends and family. we are near assistance if we really need it. we are doing ok making ends meet on unemployment so far. i'm not the consumer like i'd dearly love to be, but i'm not eating ramen for every meal either.
but it's had a bunch of shitty points, too. like we don't have heat because something is wrong with the heater and we don't know what it is or have the money to even have someone come look at it. thank goodness for sleeping bags and space heaters. like we have a leak in the roof. like we have electrical outlets that won't work. like the only jobs i've been offered interviews on were scams and insurance sales. like neither brad nor i can even get a call back on a retail job app.
like my mom has been in and out of the hospital since i've been home. four months. and has been needing it for longer but didn't get it because her "doctor" is a piece of shit about whom i will go into detail another time. suffice it to say, i am not keen on the term, "just one of those things".
mom is amazing. a whole bunch of bullshit, including all her hospital stays, has fallen around her over the past two years - things that make me want to bury myself deep in my bed and never come out. but she keeps a smile on her face and in her eyes more often than not. amazing woman and i am so lucky to have her.
from the crap that has gone on around us i've learned that no matter how much you trust someone; no matter how much you love them; no matter how high a pedestal you put them on, or they put themselves on; no matter that you see them as infallible, teeming with good character, good moral fiber, incapable of wrong-doing or having matured and outgrown their crap, no matter how "enlightened" they seem or profess to be - be assured, they are capable of being wrong, greedy, self-centered, self-absorbed, narcissistic, unethical, heartless, selfish and just plain shady.
we ALL have this capability.
everyone CAN be tempted. everyone can be influenced to make bad choices. AND we/they can justify it to our/themselves, and often make others believe we/they are right!
justification ain't just a river, honey.
my mom hasn't let me down, nor has brad. i hope i haven't let anyone else down. i don't think i have but you never know what others' perceptions are. we aren't perfect, but we try to be damn good. i think that's true for most people but it's amazing the human propensity for justification.
anyway.
from what i've figured out, the best way i can love someone is appreciate them for the gifts they give to me and to the world, love them for who they are and in spite of their "humanness", forgive them their mistakes without condoning poor choices, and call them on their bullshit when needed.
that's how i'd like to be loved anyway and isn't it all about "do unto others?"