draw me (like one of your french girls)
pairing: suho/kris
fandom: exo
genre: it was supposed to be crack but it’s not cracky enough because im not funny im so sorry
pg; ~2300 words
based on this prompt from exopromptmeme
a/n: this was so awkward i love krisho but they are so awkward bye
like in most cliched love stories, they meet at a coffee shop.
after ordering his drink (hot chocolate with extra marshmallows), joonmyun sits down at a table and takes out a romance novel. while the main female character is crying about her problems to her gay best friend, wufan invites himself to his table and introduces himself as a foreigner from either canada or china. joonmyun didn’t quite catch it at first.
(“uh. ‘sup. i’m wufan. i’m from canada but i lived in china so i’m both.”)
they chat up a bit and find out that they both adore puppies, red licorice, and beyonce. a few hours later, joonmyun somehow finds himself sitting in wufan’s tiny apartment room. there are papers scattered all over the place and the place smells worse than the time minseok decided to release five stink bombs in his room (joonmyun still hasn’t quite forgiven him yet).
“um yeah. this is where i live. make yourself feel comfortable?” wufan is painfully awkward and it’s the first time joonmyun actually feels like the cooler friend.
(are they friends yet? they just met.)
“your place seems very busy,” joonmyun says as politely as possible. he trips over a pair of boxers and almost steps on a can of sprite. a korean-english dictionary is lying facedown on the ground with its pages open. joonmyun’s ocd gets the best of him and he rushes to pick it up. he places it neatly on a dusty counter. there is a post-it note stuck carelessly on a lamp. reminder: take a shower everyday it reads. he coughs.
“do you want a drink?” wufan asks. he take out a bottle and pours water in a mug labelled with #1 pimpdaddy all over it. who the hell pours bottled water in a mug?
joonmyun shakes his head and wufan sits down beside him on the couch, pushing away a load of jackets while doing so.
after a moment of silence, wufan speaks up again. “i’m bored. want me to draw you something?”
he sits down at a stool next to an easel. joonmyun tilts his head to the side.
“do you like to draw a lot?”
“yeah i’m pretty good at it.”
“ah. so you’re an artist.”
joonmyun sits awkwardly and quietly while the artist continues to glide his paintbrush over his canvas with a concentrated expression on his face. he closes his eyes and dozes off a little.
“done!” wufan smiles as he sets down his paintbrush. joonmyun jolts awake. he gets up from his seat and hurries to the easel.
oh.
“um. what is this?” joonmyun asks, trying not to sound rude.
“it’s the sky.”
“but it’s…?”
wufan shrugs. “art is subjective,” he says simply. “it all depends on how the viewer sees it.”
“how do you see this then?”
the other man gives him a confident grin. “see how the sun and moon are both in one picture? you know how the sun and moon are like, different from each other? like one comes out at day and the other comes out at night? well, like, this signifies how two things can live in harmony even if they’re different. yeah.”
joonmyun stares at him. wufan is so weird.
“this dove,” wufan points to a drawing of a white circle with two triangles sticking out of it next to a clutter of rectangular things that joonmyun guesses are weirdly-shaped clouds. “it signifies peace because doves are like peace.”
“it looks crippled,” joonmyun comments.
“hm,” wufan frowns. “so you’re a critic.”
-
joonmyun spends the next hour silently judging wufan’s works of art while the older man attempts to explain them.
“so this alpaca is upset because the other alpacas make fun of it for being ugly, but it doesn’t wanna like give up or anything so that’s why it looks like this.”
joonmyun laughs weakly. he has a terrible feeling that wufan actually thinks his artwork is good.
next, wufan shows him a picture of a--joonmyun squints--a lizard.
“wrong! it’s an alligator!” wufan shakes his head as if joonmyun is the dumbest person in the world to have not been able to figure it out.
“what? same difference!” joonmyun pouts.
wufan rolls his eyes. “no you don’t understand! alligators represent strength. lizards are just scrawny little twinks. alligators are fierce and they are brave.”
there is a curt tone in wufan’s face and joonmyun shrinks back a little. who knew someone could get so passionate about alligators?
-
the next painting is a picture of a bear (joonmyun had guessed it was a baby) with a giant “o” as its mouth. joonmyun ponders to figure out why the bear had such an expression. wufan taps his fingers impatiently.
“look at the fish. that’s a hint.”
“those are fish? i thought they were rocks.” joonmyun mutters apologetically. “uhh. oh! the bear is hungry and he goes to the river and he’s shocked to see so many fish that he can eat there.”
“no. he’s like that because the fish are going up on the wrong side of the river. see, they’re supposed to be going north because that’s the direction the river is flowing, but for some reason they can go south. the bear thinks that it’s all wack.”
joonmyun throws his hands up. “how can anyone figure that out?”
“art isn't a quiz question,” wufan replies. he takes another long sip from his mug. "sometimes, all you have to do is stand back and appreciate it."
-
the next painting is a picture of a red shape.
“is...is that a stop sign?”
“no it’s a rose.”
“it doesn’t look like a rose,” joonmyun sniffs.
“yes but it’s a rose.”
joonmyun smirks. “how romantic,” he teases. “is there a special someone out there you want to date?”
wufan quickly shakes his head, but joonmyun can see his face turning red. wufan excuses himself to the bathroom and comes back smelling like leftovers.
"uh. i suggest that you don't go to the bathroom. just saying."
"okay?"
“is something wrong?” wufan asks back, furrowing his brows.
“why do you ask?” joonmyun gasps, unable to figure out why he suddenly feels that he was caught off-guard.
“i dunno,” wufan’s paintbrush is gliding gracefully across the canvas. if joonmyun didn’t know better he would have thought that he looked like a talented artist. “you seem uncomfortable. i feel like this might be my fault.”
“oh of course not!” joonmyun lies, feeling immediately guilty. “you’re doing a great job as a host.”
“that’s good. i don’t have many friends so i don’t really know how hanging out with other people really works. i just sit at home and watch korean dramas all day. woe is me.”
the loneliness is evident in wufan’s words. upon hearing them, joonmyun feels his heart sink in pity and sadness for him.
then wufan growls. "i don't know what else to draw."
“draw me,” joonmyun blurts out, and he regrets his words immediately. smooth, he thinks, real smooth.
wufan glares at him. “what?”
“um nevermind.”
“i'll draw you then. uh, sit down over there.”
joonmyun gulps. he sits down on a stool in front of the easel and watches wufan paint. wufan has gigantic hands, he notes. useful for booger picking.
“sit still,” wufan growls. “you move around too much.”
“sorry!” joonmyun squeaks and he mentally slaps himself. control yourself.
wufan looks strangely sentimental and serious when he paints. he stops almost every fifteen seconds to take another sip of water. joonmyun tries not to laugh.
-
“alright,” wufan says.
joonmyun springs out of his seat. “lemme see.”
“no.”
“what? why?”
“hold on. it’s actually not done,” wufan grabs the painting and runs out of the room. joonmyun stares after him, confused.
he comes back with a white flower. wufan sticks it in joonmyun’s hair.
“there we go, my princess.” he coos. "now i can draw this flower on you. sit still."
joonmyun clenches his fists. this isn’t funny. wufan is still standing in front of him, breathing heavily and unfocused eyes. is that alcohol joonmyun smells? and vomit? oh. realization hits joonmyun harder than the time baekhyun got crazy with the baseball bat.
the bathroom trip from earlier. the smell. the drink. that drink wasn’t water. it definitely wasn’t water.
"you're drunk."
“wow. pretty." wufan mumbles. "like a rainbow. a white rainbow. because you’re so pale. get it? haha.”
“wufan.”
“shut up! you’re like two feet tall!” wufan suddenly explodes. joonmyun is quite taken aback at this; he hates it when people call him short. he stands up (on his tiptoes), raises his voice (it ends up sounding higher pitched than usual) and growls (squeals), “you! are! drunk!”
“so what? respect all humans!” wufan crosses his arms. “that’s what you get for making fun of my art you mean bully.”
“oh.” joonmyun actually feels like a douche. curse his way-too-nice and pushover personality. “i’m sorry wufan. honestly. uh, i’ll just look at your art instead of interrogate you over it from now on? i will never understand your art, but that’s okay i guess?” boy, is he awkward.
“cool. now i will finish my painting. im so smart, like an ass. a smartass. i don’t like the term ass though cause it like it can also mean donkey and i’m not a donkey. i’m person. smartperson,” wufan slurs as he drunkenly picks up his paintbrush. it slips out of his hand and he sighs dramatically, looking miserable. joonmyun runs over to stop him.
“hey don’t destroy the painting!” he bites his tongue to prevent himself from saying “more than you already did.”
“awwwww shit.” wufan moans. “you didn’t even look at it yet.”
“oh then i will look at your paint--WHAT?”
joonmyun stares at wufan’s art piece in horror. it’s a picture of a naked man with stubby arms and legs, eyes too big for his face, and a very explicit, very large dick. there is a messily drawn white flower on the dick. a speech bubble saying, “draw me like one of your french girls” is carelessly scribbled above the man's head. joonmyun turns around and slaps wufan.
“hey! ow! what!”
“why did you draw this!?”
“nah son i wasn’t.”
“you didn’t even answer the question.”
“uhhhhhhhh.”
“what the hell is this?”
“you naked? did i make the dick too big i can shrink it.” wufan dunks his paintbrush in black paint and randomly strikes a line through the penis. “black contrasts white.” he blubbers.
joonmyun stomps his foot, annoyed. “wufan stop!”
“you koreans never appreciate good art. my art is beautiful!” wufan knocks over a tube of blue paint as he flails around dumbly. joonmyun winces as it spills on the ground, but this isn’t the time to be cleaning it up.
“super fast violin music plays in the background as i draw dicks all over a naked woman painting!” wufan roars as his draws vivid black penises on the canvas.
“wufan...just go to sleep.” joonmyun pleads as he quickly puts on his coat. he opens the apartment door, looking back to see wufan stripping and vomiting at the same time. shocked, he runs out and slams the door close. the white flower is still in his hair.
-
“hey i’m sorry about last night.”
joonmyun turns around and sighs. after finding out that wufan was also at the coffee shop the next day, he had been trying to sneak away.
“it’s fine.”
“yeah i guess i was really out of it.”
“it’s fine.”
“no it’s not.” wufan pulls out a chair and sits on it. joonmyun glares at him.
“why did you do it?”
“i honestly have no idea.” wufan mutters. joonmyun scoffs and rolls his eyes.
“i know you’re mad,” wufan continues, “whenever i get drunk i have this strange urge to draw stuff. uh. i drew a picture for you? a better one. i guess we both can conclude that all i can draw are dicks, but yeah?”
joonmyun raises an eyebrow. “were you drunk?”
wufan visibly winces and he takes out a piece of paper. “no. here.”
joonmyun grudgingly accepts it and unfolds the paper and blinks. the painting isn’t a human, but it’s a heart. it’s demented and a five year old can color in the lines better than wufan, but what surprises joonmyun the most are the words on the bottom of the picture.
even picasso can’t whip up pretty shit like you. vincent van gogh is missing his ear and im missing my heart beca you’re very beautiful and abstract, like a painting im sorry please forgive me
“you’re so dumb.” joonmyun smiles.
wufan blushes. “are we friends now?”
“i dunno. do you wanna be friends?"
“well,” wufan looks away shyly, “maybe more than friends?”
“we just met though. plus, you gave me a pretty bad first impression. i almost didn’t like you.”
“ugh. fine. we’ll get to know each other first. then when we’re close enough i’ll fuck you and make you scream my name.” wufan takes a casual sip of his drink (it’s coffee not alcohol; joonmyun had made sure this time).
in contrast, joonmyun nearly spits out his hot chocolate. “excuse me?”
"i'm still a virgin, but i watch enough porn to know how it works."
"..."
“by the way,” wufan leans towards joonmyun, his face dangerously close. joonmyun backs away, still in a state of shock. “do you still have the flower?”
“maybe.” joonmyun stiffens. all he wants to do is to enjoy his hot chocolate without feeling uncomfortable. wufan looks at him. joonmyun returns the look with wide, unblinking eyes.
“sorry for staring, but i thought your face was a work of art.” wufan says after a very long, very awkward staring contest.
“did you just?”
wufan laughs and he lifts joonmyun’s chin to kiss him on the lips.
fandom: exo
genre: it was supposed to be crack but it’s not cracky enough because im not funny im so sorry
pg; ~2300 words
based on this prompt from exopromptmeme
a/n: this was so awkward i love krisho but they are so awkward bye
like in most cliched love stories, they meet at a coffee shop.
after ordering his drink (hot chocolate with extra marshmallows), joonmyun sits down at a table and takes out a romance novel. while the main female character is crying about her problems to her gay best friend, wufan invites himself to his table and introduces himself as a foreigner from either canada or china. joonmyun didn’t quite catch it at first.
(“uh. ‘sup. i’m wufan. i’m from canada but i lived in china so i’m both.”)
they chat up a bit and find out that they both adore puppies, red licorice, and beyonce. a few hours later, joonmyun somehow finds himself sitting in wufan’s tiny apartment room. there are papers scattered all over the place and the place smells worse than the time minseok decided to release five stink bombs in his room (joonmyun still hasn’t quite forgiven him yet).
“um yeah. this is where i live. make yourself feel comfortable?” wufan is painfully awkward and it’s the first time joonmyun actually feels like the cooler friend.
(are they friends yet? they just met.)
“your place seems very busy,” joonmyun says as politely as possible. he trips over a pair of boxers and almost steps on a can of sprite. a korean-english dictionary is lying facedown on the ground with its pages open. joonmyun’s ocd gets the best of him and he rushes to pick it up. he places it neatly on a dusty counter. there is a post-it note stuck carelessly on a lamp. reminder: take a shower everyday it reads. he coughs.
“do you want a drink?” wufan asks. he take out a bottle and pours water in a mug labelled with #1 pimpdaddy all over it. who the hell pours bottled water in a mug?
joonmyun shakes his head and wufan sits down beside him on the couch, pushing away a load of jackets while doing so.
after a moment of silence, wufan speaks up again. “i’m bored. want me to draw you something?”
he sits down at a stool next to an easel. joonmyun tilts his head to the side.
“do you like to draw a lot?”
“yeah i’m pretty good at it.”
“ah. so you’re an artist.”
joonmyun sits awkwardly and quietly while the artist continues to glide his paintbrush over his canvas with a concentrated expression on his face. he closes his eyes and dozes off a little.
“done!” wufan smiles as he sets down his paintbrush. joonmyun jolts awake. he gets up from his seat and hurries to the easel.
oh.
“um. what is this?” joonmyun asks, trying not to sound rude.
“it’s the sky.”
“but it’s…?”
wufan shrugs. “art is subjective,” he says simply. “it all depends on how the viewer sees it.”
“how do you see this then?”
the other man gives him a confident grin. “see how the sun and moon are both in one picture? you know how the sun and moon are like, different from each other? like one comes out at day and the other comes out at night? well, like, this signifies how two things can live in harmony even if they’re different. yeah.”
joonmyun stares at him. wufan is so weird.
“this dove,” wufan points to a drawing of a white circle with two triangles sticking out of it next to a clutter of rectangular things that joonmyun guesses are weirdly-shaped clouds. “it signifies peace because doves are like peace.”
“it looks crippled,” joonmyun comments.
“hm,” wufan frowns. “so you’re a critic.”
-
joonmyun spends the next hour silently judging wufan’s works of art while the older man attempts to explain them.
“so this alpaca is upset because the other alpacas make fun of it for being ugly, but it doesn’t wanna like give up or anything so that’s why it looks like this.”
joonmyun laughs weakly. he has a terrible feeling that wufan actually thinks his artwork is good.
next, wufan shows him a picture of a--joonmyun squints--a lizard.
“wrong! it’s an alligator!” wufan shakes his head as if joonmyun is the dumbest person in the world to have not been able to figure it out.
“what? same difference!” joonmyun pouts.
wufan rolls his eyes. “no you don’t understand! alligators represent strength. lizards are just scrawny little twinks. alligators are fierce and they are brave.”
there is a curt tone in wufan’s face and joonmyun shrinks back a little. who knew someone could get so passionate about alligators?
-
the next painting is a picture of a bear (joonmyun had guessed it was a baby) with a giant “o” as its mouth. joonmyun ponders to figure out why the bear had such an expression. wufan taps his fingers impatiently.
“look at the fish. that’s a hint.”
“those are fish? i thought they were rocks.” joonmyun mutters apologetically. “uhh. oh! the bear is hungry and he goes to the river and he’s shocked to see so many fish that he can eat there.”
“no. he’s like that because the fish are going up on the wrong side of the river. see, they’re supposed to be going north because that’s the direction the river is flowing, but for some reason they can go south. the bear thinks that it’s all wack.”
joonmyun throws his hands up. “how can anyone figure that out?”
“art isn't a quiz question,” wufan replies. he takes another long sip from his mug. "sometimes, all you have to do is stand back and appreciate it."
-
the next painting is a picture of a red shape.
“is...is that a stop sign?”
“no it’s a rose.”
“it doesn’t look like a rose,” joonmyun sniffs.
“yes but it’s a rose.”
joonmyun smirks. “how romantic,” he teases. “is there a special someone out there you want to date?”
wufan quickly shakes his head, but joonmyun can see his face turning red. wufan excuses himself to the bathroom and comes back smelling like leftovers.
"uh. i suggest that you don't go to the bathroom. just saying."
"okay?"
“is something wrong?” wufan asks back, furrowing his brows.
“why do you ask?” joonmyun gasps, unable to figure out why he suddenly feels that he was caught off-guard.
“i dunno,” wufan’s paintbrush is gliding gracefully across the canvas. if joonmyun didn’t know better he would have thought that he looked like a talented artist. “you seem uncomfortable. i feel like this might be my fault.”
“oh of course not!” joonmyun lies, feeling immediately guilty. “you’re doing a great job as a host.”
“that’s good. i don’t have many friends so i don’t really know how hanging out with other people really works. i just sit at home and watch korean dramas all day. woe is me.”
the loneliness is evident in wufan’s words. upon hearing them, joonmyun feels his heart sink in pity and sadness for him.
then wufan growls. "i don't know what else to draw."
“draw me,” joonmyun blurts out, and he regrets his words immediately. smooth, he thinks, real smooth.
wufan glares at him. “what?”
“um nevermind.”
“i'll draw you then. uh, sit down over there.”
joonmyun gulps. he sits down on a stool in front of the easel and watches wufan paint. wufan has gigantic hands, he notes. useful for booger picking.
“sit still,” wufan growls. “you move around too much.”
“sorry!” joonmyun squeaks and he mentally slaps himself. control yourself.
wufan looks strangely sentimental and serious when he paints. he stops almost every fifteen seconds to take another sip of water. joonmyun tries not to laugh.
-
“alright,” wufan says.
joonmyun springs out of his seat. “lemme see.”
“no.”
“what? why?”
“hold on. it’s actually not done,” wufan grabs the painting and runs out of the room. joonmyun stares after him, confused.
he comes back with a white flower. wufan sticks it in joonmyun’s hair.
“there we go, my princess.” he coos. "now i can draw this flower on you. sit still."
joonmyun clenches his fists. this isn’t funny. wufan is still standing in front of him, breathing heavily and unfocused eyes. is that alcohol joonmyun smells? and vomit? oh. realization hits joonmyun harder than the time baekhyun got crazy with the baseball bat.
the bathroom trip from earlier. the smell. the drink. that drink wasn’t water. it definitely wasn’t water.
"you're drunk."
“wow. pretty." wufan mumbles. "like a rainbow. a white rainbow. because you’re so pale. get it? haha.”
“wufan.”
“shut up! you’re like two feet tall!” wufan suddenly explodes. joonmyun is quite taken aback at this; he hates it when people call him short. he stands up (on his tiptoes), raises his voice (it ends up sounding higher pitched than usual) and growls (squeals), “you! are! drunk!”
“so what? respect all humans!” wufan crosses his arms. “that’s what you get for making fun of my art you mean bully.”
“oh.” joonmyun actually feels like a douche. curse his way-too-nice and pushover personality. “i’m sorry wufan. honestly. uh, i’ll just look at your art instead of interrogate you over it from now on? i will never understand your art, but that’s okay i guess?” boy, is he awkward.
“cool. now i will finish my painting. im so smart, like an ass. a smartass. i don’t like the term ass though cause it like it can also mean donkey and i’m not a donkey. i’m person. smartperson,” wufan slurs as he drunkenly picks up his paintbrush. it slips out of his hand and he sighs dramatically, looking miserable. joonmyun runs over to stop him.
“hey don’t destroy the painting!” he bites his tongue to prevent himself from saying “more than you already did.”
“awwwww shit.” wufan moans. “you didn’t even look at it yet.”
“oh then i will look at your paint--WHAT?”
joonmyun stares at wufan’s art piece in horror. it’s a picture of a naked man with stubby arms and legs, eyes too big for his face, and a very explicit, very large dick. there is a messily drawn white flower on the dick. a speech bubble saying, “draw me like one of your french girls” is carelessly scribbled above the man's head. joonmyun turns around and slaps wufan.
“hey! ow! what!”
“why did you draw this!?”
“nah son i wasn’t.”
“you didn’t even answer the question.”
“uhhhhhhhh.”
“what the hell is this?”
“you naked? did i make the dick too big i can shrink it.” wufan dunks his paintbrush in black paint and randomly strikes a line through the penis. “black contrasts white.” he blubbers.
joonmyun stomps his foot, annoyed. “wufan stop!”
“you koreans never appreciate good art. my art is beautiful!” wufan knocks over a tube of blue paint as he flails around dumbly. joonmyun winces as it spills on the ground, but this isn’t the time to be cleaning it up.
“super fast violin music plays in the background as i draw dicks all over a naked woman painting!” wufan roars as his draws vivid black penises on the canvas.
“wufan...just go to sleep.” joonmyun pleads as he quickly puts on his coat. he opens the apartment door, looking back to see wufan stripping and vomiting at the same time. shocked, he runs out and slams the door close. the white flower is still in his hair.
-
“hey i’m sorry about last night.”
joonmyun turns around and sighs. after finding out that wufan was also at the coffee shop the next day, he had been trying to sneak away.
“it’s fine.”
“yeah i guess i was really out of it.”
“it’s fine.”
“no it’s not.” wufan pulls out a chair and sits on it. joonmyun glares at him.
“why did you do it?”
“i honestly have no idea.” wufan mutters. joonmyun scoffs and rolls his eyes.
“i know you’re mad,” wufan continues, “whenever i get drunk i have this strange urge to draw stuff. uh. i drew a picture for you? a better one. i guess we both can conclude that all i can draw are dicks, but yeah?”
joonmyun raises an eyebrow. “were you drunk?”
wufan visibly winces and he takes out a piece of paper. “no. here.”
joonmyun grudgingly accepts it and unfolds the paper and blinks. the painting isn’t a human, but it’s a heart. it’s demented and a five year old can color in the lines better than wufan, but what surprises joonmyun the most are the words on the bottom of the picture.
even picasso can’t whip up pretty shit like you. vincent van gogh is missing his ear and im missing my heart beca you’re very beautiful and abstract, like a painting im sorry please forgive me
“you’re so dumb.” joonmyun smiles.
wufan blushes. “are we friends now?”
“i dunno. do you wanna be friends?"
“well,” wufan looks away shyly, “maybe more than friends?”
“we just met though. plus, you gave me a pretty bad first impression. i almost didn’t like you.”
“ugh. fine. we’ll get to know each other first. then when we’re close enough i’ll fuck you and make you scream my name.” wufan takes a casual sip of his drink (it’s coffee not alcohol; joonmyun had made sure this time).
in contrast, joonmyun nearly spits out his hot chocolate. “excuse me?”
"i'm still a virgin, but i watch enough porn to know how it works."
"..."
“by the way,” wufan leans towards joonmyun, his face dangerously close. joonmyun backs away, still in a state of shock. “do you still have the flower?”
“maybe.” joonmyun stiffens. all he wants to do is to enjoy his hot chocolate without feeling uncomfortable. wufan looks at him. joonmyun returns the look with wide, unblinking eyes.
“sorry for staring, but i thought your face was a work of art.” wufan says after a very long, very awkward staring contest.
“did you just?”
wufan laughs and he lifts joonmyun’s chin to kiss him on the lips.