Fic: Bones
Title: The Bends
Chapter title: Bones (Part 7/12)
Characters: Effy/JJ
Rating: M (for language)
Words: 3523
Summary: Pieces missing everywhere
Disclaimer: Not my characters
A/N: Chapter title and summary quote from Radiohead's 'Bones'. Title (and all chapter titles) from their album 'The Bends'.
---
It hurts. It hurts a lot actually, a surprising amount. Not just on his face either, but elsewhere in his body, and that doesn’t even make sense. Obviously the bruise was the most pressing matter, and it’s the one he should probably deal with first.
Except dealing wasn’t something he normally did on his own. Normally there would be Freddie. Or his mum. Or on rare occasions, Cook. And even rarer still, his dad.
But Freddie’s not really an option, because he probably thinks that JJ deserved it. And he doesn’t want his mum to fret because that will lead to both touching and awkward questions. And she never really liked Cook an awful lot to begin with, and even though JJ’s gone off him quite a lot given recent events, he doesn’t really think that he wants to listen to his mum lecture him on it. Cook, for obvious reasons, didn’t count, and his dad would mean involving his mum.
There’s only one person left that he can talk to, and JJ doesn’t really want to always need to have someone, but he knows that he’s no good by himself.
---
“Cuz!” Thomas opens the door with a smile that quickly falls when he sees JJ properly. “JJ, what has happened to your face?”
“Is it bad? It’s bad, isn’t it? Shit. Shit. Shitcakes!”
“Yes, JJ, really shit. Quick, come in,” Thomas says, pulling him by the jacket.
JJ doesn’t say anything while Thomas directs him towards the sofa and disappears for a minute. He comes back with a carton of Um Bongo and passes it to JJ with a smile.
“Fruit juice, yes? This is all we have, I hope it is ok?”
JJ nods and tries to steady his hands enough to be able to pierce the straw through the foil.
Thomas waits until he has finished. “So, what happened?”
“I told Cook. About Effy. I told Cook about Effy. And, well, he got a bit angry.”
“A bit angry? He did this?”
JJ doesn’t say anything, but Thomas doesn’t seem to need confirmation.
“He is a dog. No more than a dog. Fucking cunt. Look! Look what he has done to you!”
It’s not nice, what Thomas is saying about Cook. And justifiable or not, JJ still feels a sense of loyalty to him. “I know. But he’s my friend.”
It’s something that JJ’s known since he was six. That Cook is his friend. He’s written it hundreds of times, and it has always been true and it’s inconceivable that it couldn’t be true. Because if he wasn’t his friend then it changes everything and JJ doesn’t like change, can’t cope with change, not when it’s this big.
Thomas shakes his head. “He cannot be your friend, JJ! This is not what friends do to each other.”
“It’s just how it’s meant to be Thomas. This is how it’s always been, Cook’s my friend. Freddie’s my friend. Even if… They’re my friends,” he finishes weakly, because they are, even if they forget it sometimes.
“But things have changed JJ. They are not the same. You are not the same.”
JJ closes his eyes and tries to take it all in. He thinks it over, and realises, with some measure of surprise, that Thomas is correct. He has changed.
It makes him feel uncomfortable, because JJ doesn’t like change and yet he has changed. Things have changed and he’s not noticed, he’s not taken a full account of it, he hasn’t documented it and he’s not tracked any of it, so he doesn’t know how this change has affected everything else that’s going on his life, which means that there’s a high probability that everything’s changed. He hits his balled up fists against his temples.
“Stupid, stupid, fucking bollocking buggering knobjockey wankbasket -”
“JJ. JJ, you must stop it. Stop it JJ,” Thomas says firmly, pulling his wrists away. “Change is ok. It is good. Look around - change. My mother, she gets better English so she can get a better job and now we have a new house. We moved from Africa for change, for this. It is scary, yes, I understand, but it is not the end.”
“But I don’t want it. I don’t want change.”
“So you don’t want Effy?”
“What? No, I. No, I do want Effy.”
“Well then. Change. It can be good, see?” Thomas pats him on the back.
JJ sighs He feels like he’s just been trapped by his own words, and he doesn’t see a logical way out. He’s not really sure how he can explain to Thomas that getting Effy was good change, manageable change, but losing Cook, and maybe losing Freddie as well, well that was bad change and definitely not manageable.
“Now then, you will sleep here tonight? Just the sofa, but it will do?”
“Yes. Thanks. Thanks Thomas.”
“And in the morning we will go to college and then afterwards you will see Effy, yes?”
The idea of seeing Effy after all of what has just happened makes JJ’s stomach clench unexpectedly hard, and the nerves in his check twitch, and he blinks rapidly, unnaturally quickly. But he knows that it’s not really an option to hide away from this.
“Yes,” he replies.
---
JJ goes to college, even though he doesn’t want to at all, but he understands that a regular routine is key to controlling his condition, and it’s not going to be enjoyable, but it is for the best.
It’s lonely at college.
Effy stopped coming at all about two weeks ago, and prior to that her attendance was what could only be described as patchy at best. He’s got Thomas though. Thomas and Pandora. Which is fine. Good in fact. But sometimes he doesn’t understand what Pandora says. Actually he doesn’t understand her about 70% of the time. And he knows that they are trying to make him feel better, and it is very nice of them, but it isn’t really working.
The whole day is horrible, because of eyes. Eyes follow him everywhere, and he wishes he could be more inconspicuous. This was one of the benefits of Cook, because normally all the eyes would be on him, and even since things have been strange JJ’s not done anything to stand out, so he’s not really had to deal with this amount of attention. But now he has this bruise. This red and purple bruise. He hates it.
But JJ hates one set of eyes the most, and tries to avert his own gaze quickly when he enters the common room, but it proves impossible not to look.
He’s sitting on the couch, next to Katie, who is next to Emily, who is next to Naomi. And they were all talking amongst themselves, until Emily looked up and saw. And she must have said something to all of them, because they all turn their heads, and Emily moves as if she’s about to get up, but Freddie reaches across to stop her, and stands up himself.
Freddie rubs his hands over his arms when he comes over, up and down, up and down, and won’t take his eyes off the bruise on JJ’s face. It feels like Freddie’s eyes are burning into his skin, and JJ just wants it to stop, wants him to stop it now.
“Fuck, mate, what…”
JJ watches Freddie as he stops talking, and wonders when he got better at understanding body language, because the way that Freddie’s eyebrows have un-furrowed, and instead have risen higher, that means that he’s realised.
“Shit,” Freddie breathes, and reaches towards JJ. “Are you-”
“Don’t,” says JJ, moving away from Freddie’s hand.
“Jay, come on. I’m trying.”
“Don’t,” JJ repeats. “Just don’t. I don’t fucking want it!” He shouts.
The noise catches him by surprise and he looks away from Freddie to see eyes, and it’s quiet everywhere else - he can hear it, the silence - everyone’s just looking, and JJ hates it.
He’s got to get away. He’s just got to get out.
---
Effy takes one minute and forty-seven seconds to open the door.
She doesn’t say anything for a further fourteen seconds.
When JJ opens his mouth to explain - or at least to say something, because he’s not sure he could explain this exactly - Effy’s already turned her back on him.
She passes him a bag of frozen peas wordlessly when he enters the kitchen. He looks at them dumbly until she rolls her eyes and holds them up to his eye, moving his hand to keep them in place. JJ wonders why she would know what to do with a black eye, but he doesn’t have to for long, because she says “Tony,” by way of explanation, and then she locates the packet of cigarettes she’s looking for and slides one out.
JJ has so much that he needs to say, and instead of being able to think about an appropriate order in which to tell Effy about it so she can digest the information in a measured way, he comes right out with the whole story at once.
“Cook hit me, I told him and he hit me, I told him about you, about you and me and he punched me because I told him. That’s the bruise, the bruise from where he hit me, because I told him that I slept with you and that you were my girlfriend and I think it might be too late for peas to fix it. I went to see Thomas and he said I should go to college and then see you, so I did. I did, and I went to college but Freddie was there and we were best friends, we were best friends for eleven years and I don’t even know how many days, but it was a lot, and I shouted at him, and I got angry. I got really angry and I had to leave. So I’m here to talk to you, but you, you smoke too much,” he finishes, and has to take a deep breath, because that was rather a lot of talking.
Effy looks up from the table then, extremely slowly, and her lip curls upwards slightly. “You think too much.”
It’s so easy, with Effy. Everything is just so simple when she says these things and he just wants to go along with them. “I’ll stop,” he blurts, before he can properly think through the implications of never thinking.
Effy stubs her cigarette out on the edge of the table, and then looks him dead in the eye, which makes him flinch, because he’s had too much of that today. “I won’t. Don’t make promises you can’t keep Jay.”
“Right. Yes, of course. You’re right.”
JJ’s head feels heavy. And sore. All of JJ feels heavy and sore. And tired actually, now he thinks about it, which doesn’t make much sense, because he’s only been awake for 12 hours and nine minutes so far today. He peels the now rather wet bag away from his face. “I’m sorry about your peas. I don’t think they’ll be edible now.”
“I really don’t think my mum will give a shit.”
“She still isn’t back?”
“Well unless she’s been hiding under the stairs, then no JJ, she’s still not back.”
JJ drops his eyes to the floor. It was only a question. He just wanted to check, and how could he be expected to know if Effy’s mum is back or not, because it’s not as if Effy really ever talks about it.
Effy must see that he’s uncomfortable though, because she reaches for his hand. “Sorry,” she says first, and then tugs him to his feet. “Come on.”
---
She must have a stash that she keeps somewhere, just a tin of already rolled joints, because he never sees her do them. It was something that Freddie used to do all the time, sit and roll - not always smoke them immediately - while he was pretending to listen to JJ and Cook. Maybe it’s what Freddie and Effy did together, just drugs, and preparatory work for drugs.
So maybe it’s a habit of hers to have a store of them, just waiting. Maybe that’s what she spends her days doing, because she certainly doesn’t spend them at college anymore.
But JJ doesn’t complain, because lying next to Effy while she’s intoxicated is extremely peaceful. And quiet. And lovely. And tracing patterns on her body is soothing, because it’s distracting from everything else.
And she looks so peaceful that JJ wishes he could have that.
And then he realises that he could. If he just took.
So he does.
He coughs when the smoke catches at the back of his throat, and he can hear Effy give a small laugh.
“Here,” she says and takes the joint from him. “Breathe it in, ok?” She tells him, and then takes a long drag, holding the smoke in her mouth. She shifts closer to him, lifting herself up on her elbows so she’s looking down - her eyes are blue, deep blue, and there's no mascara round them today, which always makes her look less mysterious, which is his favourite type of Effy - and her mouth quirks up a little on the right side, and it must be an inch at most away from his before she exhales gently toward him.
He has to make a decision, a split second decision, and he makes it - though really he was already committed to this - opening his mouth and letting the smoke in. It’s a bit easier, the smoke is less dense perhaps, this way, and he manages without choking.
---
It’s a very strange sensation, being stoned. He thinks it is, anyway. He’s not really very sure.
They’ve been lying for a long time, maybe, because it’s dark outside now. Very peculiar phenomenon is darkness, lightness as well actually. The idea that one entity is completely, while the other is not. Very strange indeed, and yet completely understandable and logical.
He’s putting rather a lot of thought into the matter of anti-matter, so when Effy speaks, it surprises him, hearing her voice above his thoughts.
“Sid hit Tony.”
JJ frowns and tries to place the names. Tony, he knows Tony of course, well, knows of Tony, but he’s never heard of a Sid. “Who’s Sid?”
“His friend. He was his best friend. Tony was being a wanker, so.”
It takes JJ some time to understand exactly what Effy is meaning by this, but when he thinks he does know, he’s still confused. “So he deserved it? Tony deserved it? You’re saying…you think I deserved it? That I was being a wanker?”
It’s bizarre, to be compared to Effy’s brother in that way. To have something in common with him, when from the limited amount that JJ knows, they couldn’t be more different. He turns his head towards her, but she has her eyes closed and maybe he’s imagining this then, because she doesn’t even look awake to be saying things to him, let alone such confusing things.
“I’m saying they’re still friends. They keep in touch.”
“But… But I don’t want to keep in touch, Effy!” JJ knows what that would entail; never being able to go to the shed because things are uncomfortable, and badly spelt text messages every other month that take him at least an hour to decipher, and only tell him that there's a party at a house he doesn't know, belonging to a person he doesn't know and he should come.
Effy reaches across and rests a hand on top of his. “Don’t then.”
It’s so easy, with Effy.
---
Cook doesn’t come back to college. It’s been over a week (11 days precisely) and exam leave starts in five days, and then exams, serious, important, be-with-you-for-the-rest-of-your-life sort of exams start in 13 days. 312 hours. 18,720 minutes.
Thomas says he shouldn’t worry. It’s not his problem.
It reminds him of his doctor. Don’t do that. Don’t do anything. Just don’t do it.
18,719 minutes.
---
He still hasn't been talking to Freddie. But he watches, and he wonders if this is how Effy does it, how she knows everything. Because this, well it's quite obvious, even to JJ, and he wonders if anyone else has guessed.
They're together, all of the time. And she laughs, all of the time. And he grins at her, all of the time.
She wears her hair up in that stupid ribbon, all of the time.
And JJ gets angry every time he sees it, because it's double standards, that Freddie gets to be happy with what he wants while JJ has to be dejected, and it's not just that, but it's a constant reminder.
A reminder that Freddie's got someone else now, and he doesn't need JJ, and he doesn't want him either.
17,337 minutes.
---
“What do you see?”
He wouldn’t ask normally. He probably wouldn’t think it normally. But it seems like the most obvious thing to find out while he lies next to her on her bed and there have been drugs and things are a bit fuzzy around the edges. Effy sees things, but he doesn’t see anything.
Effy turns towards him, but doesn’t say anything.
“You look at people, and you see things. What do you see when you look at me?”
Effy doesn’t answer for a long time, or at least, it feels like a long time, but JJ’s lost the capacity to count. It’s after he thinks that she might not answer when she does.
“You’re good Jay. You’re good.”
16,003 minutes.
---
It's on day 13 of Cook's disappearance, when JJ's bruise is finally beginning to fade after the horrible greenish yellow colour it had become, that he sees Katie, leaning against Effy's locker, talking to Freddie, as if nothing was out of the ordinary at all.
Freddie sees him walking past, and instead of ignoring him like they've both been doing for the last 10 days, he calls his name.
It's involuntary, really, that his legs stop moving when Freddie says his name.
Katie looks at him, and back to Freddie, and then says, “See you later babes, yeah?”
Freddie nods, and waits until she's walked far enough that she can't hear, and then they're on their own.
“Katie reckons that -”
“Does Cook know?” JJ interrupts.
Freddie frowns. "Know what?"
JJ counts to 10 to try and help him stay calm. “Does Cook know that you've entered into a new relationship?”
“What? No, I've not -”
“Does Cook know that you're going out with Katie?”
Freddie doesn’t say anything, but does open and close his mouth as if he’s going to try. Eventually he drops his head to the ground. “Nah, Jay. Nah, no one knows.”
“Emily?”
“Oh, well, I dunno. Maybe.”
“You’re a hypocrite.”
“What?” Freddie asks incredulously.
“You’re a God-damned fucking hypocrite,” JJ hisses through gritted teeth.
“It’s not like that. It’s difficult ok? For her, ok? It's difficult.”
“Didn't I deserve to know? Doesn't Cook deserve to know?”
“Well what the fuck do you want me to do Jay? Cook’s not here, is he? He’s gone, he’s fucked off again, and I’m not gonna go get him this time.”
“I don’t care. I don’t fucking care anymore Freddie! Not about you. Or about Cook. I’ve got other things, and I don’t fucking care.”
It's a lie, of course, because he does care. But he knows that he shouldn't, so maybe if he pretends then it'll become true.
15,134 minutes.
---
Except it doesn’t become true, and there’s one day, when he worries the most of all.
It starts off normal enough, except it's the first day of study leave, so instead of going to college, he studies in his room all day, and then he goes round to see her after his dinner which is normal, but really, everything after that is decidedly not normal.
There’s no music, for one. And instead of Effy being in her room, he finds her pacing the hallway, muttering to herself. And that’s wrong, because she doesn’t do that, that’s him that does that, not her. It shouldn’t be her.
When she sees him, her eyes are wide, her pupils dilated, and Cook thinks that things like that means she wants to sleep with him, but that really, really doesn’t look like the real meaning.
“They’re coming Jay. They’re coming,” she chants, over and over, they're coming, as she starts to grab at his shirt, and then she's pulling on her own hair, they're coming, and then she’s grasping at his hair, they're coming, pulling him towards her, and crashing their lips together, they're coming, biting at them, nipping frantically.
“Who, Effy?” He tries to ask, but he’s not sure she can hear him.
She pulls back abruptly, breathing heavily, eyes moving erratically, shaking her head.
“No, no, no, no,” she recites.
“Effy? Effy, what’s wrong? Effy, tell me what’s wrong.” JJ asks, his voice getting higher and higher.
“They’re here.”
9,624 minutes.
---
8. Sulk
Chapter title: Bones (Part 7/12)
Characters: Effy/JJ
Rating: M (for language)
Words: 3523
Summary: Pieces missing everywhere
Disclaimer: Not my characters
A/N: Chapter title and summary quote from Radiohead's 'Bones'. Title (and all chapter titles) from their album 'The Bends'.
---
It hurts. It hurts a lot actually, a surprising amount. Not just on his face either, but elsewhere in his body, and that doesn’t even make sense. Obviously the bruise was the most pressing matter, and it’s the one he should probably deal with first.
Except dealing wasn’t something he normally did on his own. Normally there would be Freddie. Or his mum. Or on rare occasions, Cook. And even rarer still, his dad.
But Freddie’s not really an option, because he probably thinks that JJ deserved it. And he doesn’t want his mum to fret because that will lead to both touching and awkward questions. And she never really liked Cook an awful lot to begin with, and even though JJ’s gone off him quite a lot given recent events, he doesn’t really think that he wants to listen to his mum lecture him on it. Cook, for obvious reasons, didn’t count, and his dad would mean involving his mum.
There’s only one person left that he can talk to, and JJ doesn’t really want to always need to have someone, but he knows that he’s no good by himself.
---
“Cuz!” Thomas opens the door with a smile that quickly falls when he sees JJ properly. “JJ, what has happened to your face?”
“Is it bad? It’s bad, isn’t it? Shit. Shit. Shitcakes!”
“Yes, JJ, really shit. Quick, come in,” Thomas says, pulling him by the jacket.
JJ doesn’t say anything while Thomas directs him towards the sofa and disappears for a minute. He comes back with a carton of Um Bongo and passes it to JJ with a smile.
“Fruit juice, yes? This is all we have, I hope it is ok?”
JJ nods and tries to steady his hands enough to be able to pierce the straw through the foil.
Thomas waits until he has finished. “So, what happened?”
“I told Cook. About Effy. I told Cook about Effy. And, well, he got a bit angry.”
“A bit angry? He did this?”
JJ doesn’t say anything, but Thomas doesn’t seem to need confirmation.
“He is a dog. No more than a dog. Fucking cunt. Look! Look what he has done to you!”
It’s not nice, what Thomas is saying about Cook. And justifiable or not, JJ still feels a sense of loyalty to him. “I know. But he’s my friend.”
It’s something that JJ’s known since he was six. That Cook is his friend. He’s written it hundreds of times, and it has always been true and it’s inconceivable that it couldn’t be true. Because if he wasn’t his friend then it changes everything and JJ doesn’t like change, can’t cope with change, not when it’s this big.
Thomas shakes his head. “He cannot be your friend, JJ! This is not what friends do to each other.”
“It’s just how it’s meant to be Thomas. This is how it’s always been, Cook’s my friend. Freddie’s my friend. Even if… They’re my friends,” he finishes weakly, because they are, even if they forget it sometimes.
“But things have changed JJ. They are not the same. You are not the same.”
JJ closes his eyes and tries to take it all in. He thinks it over, and realises, with some measure of surprise, that Thomas is correct. He has changed.
It makes him feel uncomfortable, because JJ doesn’t like change and yet he has changed. Things have changed and he’s not noticed, he’s not taken a full account of it, he hasn’t documented it and he’s not tracked any of it, so he doesn’t know how this change has affected everything else that’s going on his life, which means that there’s a high probability that everything’s changed. He hits his balled up fists against his temples.
“Stupid, stupid, fucking bollocking buggering knobjockey wankbasket -”
“JJ. JJ, you must stop it. Stop it JJ,” Thomas says firmly, pulling his wrists away. “Change is ok. It is good. Look around - change. My mother, she gets better English so she can get a better job and now we have a new house. We moved from Africa for change, for this. It is scary, yes, I understand, but it is not the end.”
“But I don’t want it. I don’t want change.”
“So you don’t want Effy?”
“What? No, I. No, I do want Effy.”
“Well then. Change. It can be good, see?” Thomas pats him on the back.
JJ sighs He feels like he’s just been trapped by his own words, and he doesn’t see a logical way out. He’s not really sure how he can explain to Thomas that getting Effy was good change, manageable change, but losing Cook, and maybe losing Freddie as well, well that was bad change and definitely not manageable.
“Now then, you will sleep here tonight? Just the sofa, but it will do?”
“Yes. Thanks. Thanks Thomas.”
“And in the morning we will go to college and then afterwards you will see Effy, yes?”
The idea of seeing Effy after all of what has just happened makes JJ’s stomach clench unexpectedly hard, and the nerves in his check twitch, and he blinks rapidly, unnaturally quickly. But he knows that it’s not really an option to hide away from this.
“Yes,” he replies.
---
JJ goes to college, even though he doesn’t want to at all, but he understands that a regular routine is key to controlling his condition, and it’s not going to be enjoyable, but it is for the best.
It’s lonely at college.
Effy stopped coming at all about two weeks ago, and prior to that her attendance was what could only be described as patchy at best. He’s got Thomas though. Thomas and Pandora. Which is fine. Good in fact. But sometimes he doesn’t understand what Pandora says. Actually he doesn’t understand her about 70% of the time. And he knows that they are trying to make him feel better, and it is very nice of them, but it isn’t really working.
The whole day is horrible, because of eyes. Eyes follow him everywhere, and he wishes he could be more inconspicuous. This was one of the benefits of Cook, because normally all the eyes would be on him, and even since things have been strange JJ’s not done anything to stand out, so he’s not really had to deal with this amount of attention. But now he has this bruise. This red and purple bruise. He hates it.
But JJ hates one set of eyes the most, and tries to avert his own gaze quickly when he enters the common room, but it proves impossible not to look.
He’s sitting on the couch, next to Katie, who is next to Emily, who is next to Naomi. And they were all talking amongst themselves, until Emily looked up and saw. And she must have said something to all of them, because they all turn their heads, and Emily moves as if she’s about to get up, but Freddie reaches across to stop her, and stands up himself.
Freddie rubs his hands over his arms when he comes over, up and down, up and down, and won’t take his eyes off the bruise on JJ’s face. It feels like Freddie’s eyes are burning into his skin, and JJ just wants it to stop, wants him to stop it now.
“Fuck, mate, what…”
JJ watches Freddie as he stops talking, and wonders when he got better at understanding body language, because the way that Freddie’s eyebrows have un-furrowed, and instead have risen higher, that means that he’s realised.
“Shit,” Freddie breathes, and reaches towards JJ. “Are you-”
“Don’t,” says JJ, moving away from Freddie’s hand.
“Jay, come on. I’m trying.”
“Don’t,” JJ repeats. “Just don’t. I don’t fucking want it!” He shouts.
The noise catches him by surprise and he looks away from Freddie to see eyes, and it’s quiet everywhere else - he can hear it, the silence - everyone’s just looking, and JJ hates it.
He’s got to get away. He’s just got to get out.
---
Effy takes one minute and forty-seven seconds to open the door.
She doesn’t say anything for a further fourteen seconds.
When JJ opens his mouth to explain - or at least to say something, because he’s not sure he could explain this exactly - Effy’s already turned her back on him.
She passes him a bag of frozen peas wordlessly when he enters the kitchen. He looks at them dumbly until she rolls her eyes and holds them up to his eye, moving his hand to keep them in place. JJ wonders why she would know what to do with a black eye, but he doesn’t have to for long, because she says “Tony,” by way of explanation, and then she locates the packet of cigarettes she’s looking for and slides one out.
JJ has so much that he needs to say, and instead of being able to think about an appropriate order in which to tell Effy about it so she can digest the information in a measured way, he comes right out with the whole story at once.
“Cook hit me, I told him and he hit me, I told him about you, about you and me and he punched me because I told him. That’s the bruise, the bruise from where he hit me, because I told him that I slept with you and that you were my girlfriend and I think it might be too late for peas to fix it. I went to see Thomas and he said I should go to college and then see you, so I did. I did, and I went to college but Freddie was there and we were best friends, we were best friends for eleven years and I don’t even know how many days, but it was a lot, and I shouted at him, and I got angry. I got really angry and I had to leave. So I’m here to talk to you, but you, you smoke too much,” he finishes, and has to take a deep breath, because that was rather a lot of talking.
Effy looks up from the table then, extremely slowly, and her lip curls upwards slightly. “You think too much.”
It’s so easy, with Effy. Everything is just so simple when she says these things and he just wants to go along with them. “I’ll stop,” he blurts, before he can properly think through the implications of never thinking.
Effy stubs her cigarette out on the edge of the table, and then looks him dead in the eye, which makes him flinch, because he’s had too much of that today. “I won’t. Don’t make promises you can’t keep Jay.”
“Right. Yes, of course. You’re right.”
JJ’s head feels heavy. And sore. All of JJ feels heavy and sore. And tired actually, now he thinks about it, which doesn’t make much sense, because he’s only been awake for 12 hours and nine minutes so far today. He peels the now rather wet bag away from his face. “I’m sorry about your peas. I don’t think they’ll be edible now.”
“I really don’t think my mum will give a shit.”
“She still isn’t back?”
“Well unless she’s been hiding under the stairs, then no JJ, she’s still not back.”
JJ drops his eyes to the floor. It was only a question. He just wanted to check, and how could he be expected to know if Effy’s mum is back or not, because it’s not as if Effy really ever talks about it.
Effy must see that he’s uncomfortable though, because she reaches for his hand. “Sorry,” she says first, and then tugs him to his feet. “Come on.”
---
She must have a stash that she keeps somewhere, just a tin of already rolled joints, because he never sees her do them. It was something that Freddie used to do all the time, sit and roll - not always smoke them immediately - while he was pretending to listen to JJ and Cook. Maybe it’s what Freddie and Effy did together, just drugs, and preparatory work for drugs.
So maybe it’s a habit of hers to have a store of them, just waiting. Maybe that’s what she spends her days doing, because she certainly doesn’t spend them at college anymore.
But JJ doesn’t complain, because lying next to Effy while she’s intoxicated is extremely peaceful. And quiet. And lovely. And tracing patterns on her body is soothing, because it’s distracting from everything else.
And she looks so peaceful that JJ wishes he could have that.
And then he realises that he could. If he just took.
So he does.
He coughs when the smoke catches at the back of his throat, and he can hear Effy give a small laugh.
“Here,” she says and takes the joint from him. “Breathe it in, ok?” She tells him, and then takes a long drag, holding the smoke in her mouth. She shifts closer to him, lifting herself up on her elbows so she’s looking down - her eyes are blue, deep blue, and there's no mascara round them today, which always makes her look less mysterious, which is his favourite type of Effy - and her mouth quirks up a little on the right side, and it must be an inch at most away from his before she exhales gently toward him.
He has to make a decision, a split second decision, and he makes it - though really he was already committed to this - opening his mouth and letting the smoke in. It’s a bit easier, the smoke is less dense perhaps, this way, and he manages without choking.
---
It’s a very strange sensation, being stoned. He thinks it is, anyway. He’s not really very sure.
They’ve been lying for a long time, maybe, because it’s dark outside now. Very peculiar phenomenon is darkness, lightness as well actually. The idea that one entity is completely, while the other is not. Very strange indeed, and yet completely understandable and logical.
He’s putting rather a lot of thought into the matter of anti-matter, so when Effy speaks, it surprises him, hearing her voice above his thoughts.
“Sid hit Tony.”
JJ frowns and tries to place the names. Tony, he knows Tony of course, well, knows of Tony, but he’s never heard of a Sid. “Who’s Sid?”
“His friend. He was his best friend. Tony was being a wanker, so.”
It takes JJ some time to understand exactly what Effy is meaning by this, but when he thinks he does know, he’s still confused. “So he deserved it? Tony deserved it? You’re saying…you think I deserved it? That I was being a wanker?”
It’s bizarre, to be compared to Effy’s brother in that way. To have something in common with him, when from the limited amount that JJ knows, they couldn’t be more different. He turns his head towards her, but she has her eyes closed and maybe he’s imagining this then, because she doesn’t even look awake to be saying things to him, let alone such confusing things.
“I’m saying they’re still friends. They keep in touch.”
“But… But I don’t want to keep in touch, Effy!” JJ knows what that would entail; never being able to go to the shed because things are uncomfortable, and badly spelt text messages every other month that take him at least an hour to decipher, and only tell him that there's a party at a house he doesn't know, belonging to a person he doesn't know and he should come.
Effy reaches across and rests a hand on top of his. “Don’t then.”
It’s so easy, with Effy.
---
Cook doesn’t come back to college. It’s been over a week (11 days precisely) and exam leave starts in five days, and then exams, serious, important, be-with-you-for-the-rest-of-your-life sort of exams start in 13 days. 312 hours. 18,720 minutes.
Thomas says he shouldn’t worry. It’s not his problem.
It reminds him of his doctor. Don’t do that. Don’t do anything. Just don’t do it.
18,719 minutes.
---
He still hasn't been talking to Freddie. But he watches, and he wonders if this is how Effy does it, how she knows everything. Because this, well it's quite obvious, even to JJ, and he wonders if anyone else has guessed.
They're together, all of the time. And she laughs, all of the time. And he grins at her, all of the time.
She wears her hair up in that stupid ribbon, all of the time.
And JJ gets angry every time he sees it, because it's double standards, that Freddie gets to be happy with what he wants while JJ has to be dejected, and it's not just that, but it's a constant reminder.
A reminder that Freddie's got someone else now, and he doesn't need JJ, and he doesn't want him either.
17,337 minutes.
---
“What do you see?”
He wouldn’t ask normally. He probably wouldn’t think it normally. But it seems like the most obvious thing to find out while he lies next to her on her bed and there have been drugs and things are a bit fuzzy around the edges. Effy sees things, but he doesn’t see anything.
Effy turns towards him, but doesn’t say anything.
“You look at people, and you see things. What do you see when you look at me?”
Effy doesn’t answer for a long time, or at least, it feels like a long time, but JJ’s lost the capacity to count. It’s after he thinks that she might not answer when she does.
“You’re good Jay. You’re good.”
16,003 minutes.
---
It's on day 13 of Cook's disappearance, when JJ's bruise is finally beginning to fade after the horrible greenish yellow colour it had become, that he sees Katie, leaning against Effy's locker, talking to Freddie, as if nothing was out of the ordinary at all.
Freddie sees him walking past, and instead of ignoring him like they've both been doing for the last 10 days, he calls his name.
It's involuntary, really, that his legs stop moving when Freddie says his name.
Katie looks at him, and back to Freddie, and then says, “See you later babes, yeah?”
Freddie nods, and waits until she's walked far enough that she can't hear, and then they're on their own.
“Katie reckons that -”
“Does Cook know?” JJ interrupts.
Freddie frowns. "Know what?"
JJ counts to 10 to try and help him stay calm. “Does Cook know that you've entered into a new relationship?”
“What? No, I've not -”
“Does Cook know that you're going out with Katie?”
Freddie doesn’t say anything, but does open and close his mouth as if he’s going to try. Eventually he drops his head to the ground. “Nah, Jay. Nah, no one knows.”
“Emily?”
“Oh, well, I dunno. Maybe.”
“You’re a hypocrite.”
“What?” Freddie asks incredulously.
“You’re a God-damned fucking hypocrite,” JJ hisses through gritted teeth.
“It’s not like that. It’s difficult ok? For her, ok? It's difficult.”
“Didn't I deserve to know? Doesn't Cook deserve to know?”
“Well what the fuck do you want me to do Jay? Cook’s not here, is he? He’s gone, he’s fucked off again, and I’m not gonna go get him this time.”
“I don’t care. I don’t fucking care anymore Freddie! Not about you. Or about Cook. I’ve got other things, and I don’t fucking care.”
It's a lie, of course, because he does care. But he knows that he shouldn't, so maybe if he pretends then it'll become true.
15,134 minutes.
---
Except it doesn’t become true, and there’s one day, when he worries the most of all.
It starts off normal enough, except it's the first day of study leave, so instead of going to college, he studies in his room all day, and then he goes round to see her after his dinner which is normal, but really, everything after that is decidedly not normal.
There’s no music, for one. And instead of Effy being in her room, he finds her pacing the hallway, muttering to herself. And that’s wrong, because she doesn’t do that, that’s him that does that, not her. It shouldn’t be her.
When she sees him, her eyes are wide, her pupils dilated, and Cook thinks that things like that means she wants to sleep with him, but that really, really doesn’t look like the real meaning.
“They’re coming Jay. They’re coming,” she chants, over and over, they're coming, as she starts to grab at his shirt, and then she's pulling on her own hair, they're coming, and then she’s grasping at his hair, they're coming, pulling him towards her, and crashing their lips together, they're coming, biting at them, nipping frantically.
“Who, Effy?” He tries to ask, but he’s not sure she can hear him.
She pulls back abruptly, breathing heavily, eyes moving erratically, shaking her head.
“No, no, no, no,” she recites.
“Effy? Effy, what’s wrong? Effy, tell me what’s wrong.” JJ asks, his voice getting higher and higher.
“They’re here.”
9,624 minutes.
---
8. Sulk