Change Doesn't Equal Loss
So on the 11th day, she blogged. Sorry Elkor, this is about death, relationship, and job crap. This is long and it contains at least four stories, but I prefer to wind through chronologically as it was experienced rather than try to tease out different themes.
My mother's father died Saturday before last. It wasn't a surprise. It hadn't been a surprise for almost two years since the first half lung got removed. That didn't stop everyone from engaging in full ostrich mode with no inventory taken of paperwork, requests, bequeathments and all that for two years, or the week before when he'd been in ICU.
Ah my family. I hear about the news officially Saturday. I was working on creating the character for my first ever rpg when mom tried to call, I knew why. I let it go and called later to hear the already known news. Then I headed to give a presentation at Element. It wasn't difficult to focus on being there, it was difficult knowing there was this news inside me now and if I let it go, it would change the whole shape of social structure around me and I didn't feel right doing that to them. Maybe I just didn't want the attention.
I flew to Maryland way early on Monday to spend a few days with mom. Again due to no prior plans, creating a service or memorial was going to take some time and with it being my family, I had to get a hotel room and rent a car as well to maintain my independence. I actually didn't use the car much, but it was comforting to have. Monday was sitting around, talking. She didn't like my 4/2 plan to move to Philadelphia at all, far too outside her realm of safe risk. We viewed the body- and it was a body. It was nothing of my grandfather to it. But it was stressful nonetheless.
Hung out for pizza with the family, and re-experienced that old sense of "I might as well not be here" with no one asking about my life or what my thoughts on anything was. That depressed me, again. I recognize it as a natural outgrowth of my necessary boundary building to maintain my sanity, but still regretful. I don't feel welcome or accepted, so I go to where I can be happy and not make them feel like they have to change, and get castigated as the ungrateful/unhelpful/unsupportive one. Then when I show up to be supportive, I'm ignored.
Or, my sister calls afterwards to rant about what our mom needs to do because it's the only way she feels safe letting her stress out. Knowing how chronically passive my mother is, pushing her into acting or being a decisive leader is futile anyway. As I didn't immediately agree, Karen gets pissy at me and hangs up. I let myself feel bad for a minute, then call her back and calmly tell her that I was here to offer support and had done nothing to deserve her attitude or crap. Karen accepted it, slightly cowed, but made no apologies.
Not to mention the pressure she was putting on me to allow our grandmothers condo to sell for half of its actual value because of what a horrible market it is. If I had any sense of actual emergency, or confidence that she would use the money wisely and not be in exactly the same position financiall in 2 years as she is now if she got the money, I might be willing to compromise. While the money would be convenient for me as well, I'd rather wait and gain another 10k if I have the option.
And there was stress with Bryan, an increasing sense of disconnection and lesser prioritization with missed or forgotten calls, non responsiveness. I wrote a long, detailed, but offering openings to hear his side and offer solutions email. For the first time I felt getting clarification on responsibilities and maintaining a relationship was not being "a bad slave." The moment he read it, he responded offering support and setting a time to talk.
Tuesday we went to my grandfathers trailer, where he'd been almost my whole life. The last few years he'd done nothing but hoard up electronics and other junk- including 8 foreman grills. Suffice to say that myself and my cousin Alicia were the only reason things got done that day. We completely emptied his bedroom, the bathroom, and the larger cabinets in the living room. At least 20 bags to goodwill and 10 of trash.
And I found the only things I felt might be meaningful for me to have- a few nice gold rings and an old shoe shining box with the raised lip and a latch. I felt that would be right for me to have. Mom was offering anything to anyone really, but I don't need stuff. Alicia took a bible her mother (also deceased) had given to him and a pyrex baking dish.
Unfortunately my aunt Vicki was there, who is an agoraphobic hoarder as well (I get my OCD honestly- both my mothers' and fathers' father's had it). Luckily there was so much stuff that we could just leave her alone to whatever corner she wanted to be in and keep moving. Her denial was hard- she made the bed, set things up like it would be ready for guests. I reassured my family that once I died- I really wouldn't care about my stuff, I'd be fine.
And generally other than Alicia and I, everyone just puttered. Or sat. My mom was just overwhelmed and even though she couldn't ostrich herself as much, she was still frozen when it came to dealing with all the stuff- literal and metaphorical.
The next day started even later, although it gave me time with Alicia and we created a warm bond together- realizing we both had the experience of knowing just how crazy our families are and feeling disconnected from a necessary sense of making boundaries. I was so impressed with her strength and self awareness.
And again, things only happened because we were there, in fact she surpassed me in cleaning out the entire kitchen by herself- no easy task I assure you. There were at least 4 salt and pepper sets. I cleaned out the living room and any other pockets I could find. Vicki unfortunately pushed herself into things a bit more and we had a tiff over the trash. Yes, she was freaking out about how the trash bags were organized.
I was pulling one down the steps that was already half out and she started pushing me to wait, I was already going down so I just kept going and said they would end up in the same place. She went on about how she was organizing things and that we couldn't just leave them overnight (although we already had done that). I said "What are they going to do? Evict him?" She stormed around the front and made a comment about being a brat and popping me one. I immediately and stonily replied I'd hit her back harder. She didn't reply and just muttered and I said "You can be as angry with me as you want, but I am not the problem here." and that was that. When we left a few hours later she was in full denial form of asking if we were ok- there's nothing my family can't sweep cleanly under the rug.
I had decided by then that I needed to leave Thursday. I had plans for the weekend which had been in place for awhile and couldn't be shifted and I had offered whatever immediate emotional stability I had to offer. Mom of course wasn't happy with losing me again, but accepted, and enjoyed a fine dinner and breakfast before I left.
Bryan and I talked as well and while I didn't necessarily feel heeded, I did feel heard. I asked a lot of real questions about expectations and what methods he preferred for communication and planning. I was able to really stay in my own space and not just let lingering doubts linger. He praised my ability to disagree with him in a mature and open way. And since then I have noticed consistent and congruent changes with what we've discussed and felt very supported.
Returning to Austin was good and it felt lovely sinking back into home for a day with Scott around. And the kitties- they definitely do miss me when I'm not here.
Then it was off to a 2 day NLP course about Core Beliefs Change in Dallas. Karl had wanted me to go with him and things had been fairly positive between us, so I accepted. I was wary about any NLP stuff because so many of the people who got involved just seemed to be disciples parroting back information that was better packaged and better conveyed long before saying it was a cure all for everything.
However very quickly into the class, I was relieved to see that the trainers were well versed in many forms of teaching, energy work, and training and that "NLP" was just a particular frame they could use for structure. They painted in all the colors and attuned to whatever the individual was ready to communicate.
I have indeed done a lot of work in understanding who I am, where I come from, how I was created to be this special fucked up snowflake that I am and in that understanding be able to better know the choices I make and anticipate. But this weekend shook out even more of that and helped me know more acceptance of myself- I was sincerely raised that if you were surviving, you were good, anything else was extravagance. And because of that, any risk towards anything else was also unnecessary and equally to be avoided, so it's best not to deviate much from what you already have.
I did not reach much forgiveness, but that wasn't the intent of the weekend. I accepted and understood more of the situation and allowed myself to make different choices in all times.
And at the end of the weekend, I saw that Brian had died. That was a shock as well, knowing how young and generally healthy he was. We hadn't seen eachother since November before and he hadn't responded to my brief "Hey I'll be in town" messages, which wasn't terribly surprising. But he was a great positive force in my life. He opened the door to sexual satisfaction that I'd never had before and was generally a fun person who hid his depths better than most but once you were allowed access, could not help but be pulled into. We had a few weekends together in which I always pushed him to actively go for what he wanted and I offered myself to him, but he said he couldn't attend to a dynamic like what I needed. And it was probably for the best.
At this point all this change and chaos was becoming almost routine so when Karl's car died in Addison outside Dallas on our way home during a huge thunderstorm, I took it in stride. I had my AAA plus and they responded within an hour. There was an open garage (on Sunday!) just a few miles away and restaurant/hotel row just a few minutes from that. We got a room and the next day it was 2k worth of repairs that would take 7 hours.
I had a skype date with Bryan that night, so considered renting a car myself or just getting another night, but really didn't want to have another night away from home and was ready to get back to normal, so we checked out, ate a leisurely lunch, walked a mile or so to Barnes and Nobles and were on the road by 3:30, home before 7.
Ah the job stuff. The boss pushed me into a sales position which is not at all what feeds me and I already know the quarter I don't deliver on whatever his mental marking point is, he'll let me go. And when I said I'd be coming to MD to deal with my grandfather's death, he suggested I come by the office in VA to go over stuff. Pulled the offer back only when he remembered he'd be out of town. It is absolutely time for change there.
I don't mourn and I don't feel overwhelmed or shit on or anything. I feel like change is change. I feel like I know myself more, I feel like I have the ability to become who I want and while the world around me won't be so easy to change, by changing who I am, the world around me will have to keep up.