emo...
I don't care how emo this sounds, I just need to vent.
Things that are wrong right now:
Mom's in London, I'm in Kiev. Alone.
I have anemia, and a white blood cell deficiency. I only sleep for four hours, every so often, because I'll wake up and be unable to fall back asleep. Usually these four hours are from 10 PM until ~2 AM, then from 1 PM until ~5 or 6. I haven't been eating much, because I just haven't been all that hungry.
Boyfriend won't talk to me...
I've had no internet connection since Thursday, and right now it disconnects every five minutes or so so I can't stay online for very long. Thus, I've been unable to talk to any of my friends.
As for the talent show?
My art went unacknowledged.
And as for the singing part... I blanked. I got two-thirds of the way through the song and suddenly forgot the next line. I backed away from the microphone in horror. The audience started clapping because they realized what had happened, and were applauding me to make me feel better. I hid my face in my hands and walked off the stage, out the door, and out onto the street. I blew it. I've sang that song so many times before, to myself, at Open Mic Night... but somehow, in front of all those Diplomats and their kids, my chance to show that I'm not some lazy punk wannabe... that I'm special... and I fucked it up. Everyone at the Embassy was there. Guards. The doctor. My mom's boss. My mom's friends. The woman who helped me get hired at IBM. Everyone. And their families.
And
I
Blew
It.
I keep remembering it in my head. The feeling of my mind drawing a blank. The sinking horror knowing that I'd messed up.
I'm never going to show off again... I don't sing anymore, not since Saturday.
Fuck, my head hurts really badly right now... I just feel so alone right now. My friends and family are all in other countries... I can't talk to them because my one window to the world won't stay open long enough, and I get so frustrated that I give up trying...
Also, another thing I found out? My medications slowed down my metabolism. If it weren't for them, I'd probably be 70 lbs lighter.
Yes, I realize a lot of these problems are temporary, and that I can fix them. But right now, I don't have the willpower or the strength to fix them.
I just spent the last five minutes screaming and bawling my eyes out from self-pity. It's a vicious cycle... I feel sorry for myself, then get angry at myself for feeling that way, which just makes me MORE miserable...
I haven't felt this miserable in five years. Maybe I need to go back to the mental hospital...
Things that are wrong right now:
Mom's in London, I'm in Kiev. Alone.
I have anemia, and a white blood cell deficiency. I only sleep for four hours, every so often, because I'll wake up and be unable to fall back asleep. Usually these four hours are from 10 PM until ~2 AM, then from 1 PM until ~5 or 6. I haven't been eating much, because I just haven't been all that hungry.
Boyfriend won't talk to me...
I've had no internet connection since Thursday, and right now it disconnects every five minutes or so so I can't stay online for very long. Thus, I've been unable to talk to any of my friends.
As for the talent show?
My art went unacknowledged.
And as for the singing part... I blanked. I got two-thirds of the way through the song and suddenly forgot the next line. I backed away from the microphone in horror. The audience started clapping because they realized what had happened, and were applauding me to make me feel better. I hid my face in my hands and walked off the stage, out the door, and out onto the street. I blew it. I've sang that song so many times before, to myself, at Open Mic Night... but somehow, in front of all those Diplomats and their kids, my chance to show that I'm not some lazy punk wannabe... that I'm special... and I fucked it up. Everyone at the Embassy was there. Guards. The doctor. My mom's boss. My mom's friends. The woman who helped me get hired at IBM. Everyone. And their families.
And
I
Blew
It.
I keep remembering it in my head. The feeling of my mind drawing a blank. The sinking horror knowing that I'd messed up.
I'm never going to show off again... I don't sing anymore, not since Saturday.
Fuck, my head hurts really badly right now... I just feel so alone right now. My friends and family are all in other countries... I can't talk to them because my one window to the world won't stay open long enough, and I get so frustrated that I give up trying...
Also, another thing I found out? My medications slowed down my metabolism. If it weren't for them, I'd probably be 70 lbs lighter.
Yes, I realize a lot of these problems are temporary, and that I can fix them. But right now, I don't have the willpower or the strength to fix them.
I just spent the last five minutes screaming and bawling my eyes out from self-pity. It's a vicious cycle... I feel sorry for myself, then get angry at myself for feeling that way, which just makes me MORE miserable...
I haven't felt this miserable in five years. Maybe I need to go back to the mental hospital...