(no subject)
For the past 24 hours or so I have done nothing but throw up and cry.
I am a complete emotional trainwreck. I just don't know what happens to me sometimes, it's like I'm living a real life version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment I'll be fine. Happy. Laughing at someone else's misfortune. And the next I'm tearing myself apart, dissecting all of my flaws and finding a way to blame everything that goes wrong on myself.
I don't know if I'm just too insecure or my self esteem is too low. I don't know if this is a habit I've gotten myself into. All I know is that I need to stop.
I feel as if everything I hold dear is finally at stake for this foolishness I put myself through. Everytime I do this to myself I just end up apologizing more and more frequently. For everything. For being neurotic, for being annoying, for driving people away, for apologizing too much. I always end up feeling as if I'm bothering people, when the truth is that I'm really just doing damage to myself.
Matt always seems to be there for me, but I've put him through this bullshit a lot lately. I don't think he's going to put up with it forever. And I love him, so much, he's my best friend. So I guess if I can't force myself to change for myself perhaps it will mean enough to me to change for him.
I've just gotten to the point that I'm so miserable with acting the way I do. Half the time I'm being childish and insecure and the other half I'm entirely arrogant, self-cenetered and self-righteous. I'm not the kind of people I would like if I wasn't me. I don't want to be that person anymore. I used to be caring.. I used to have a ton of friends that I could tell anything. I used to be worth a damn. I got too bitter.
And I don't like me.