Tytt

Nov 30, 2003 23:30

The window panes were weeping. It was too dark to quite see it, but she knew anyway, because of the black drops dripping on the window sill. She had first seen it happen in her own room some days - perhaps weeks, the concept of time seemed so very blurred to her - ago, and had been strangely delighted by the sight. "It's just dust", her brother ( Read more... )

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How is it that sadness can be so pretty? worldsong November 30 2003, 22:25:23 UTC
I wrote these when I was younger. I remember thinking that people both would get the point and wouldn't get the point, and now I know I was right.

In case this was a writing of the venting kind... you alright?

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True enough emittchi July 19 2004, 17:38:32 UTC
I wrote it knowing people wouldn't get the point, and still hoping they would. And I guess I was right too. But really, "when I was younger"... do I feel you looming above me, staring down at me? :P

And no, I wasn't alright. But I'm getting there maybe. (And verrry slowly, as one might see from these answers...)

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Pirunnyrkki arkangeli December 1 2003, 05:17:56 UTC
On pelottavaa, miten helppoa oli ajelehtia peruskoulun ja vielä lukionkin läpi. Ei tarvinnut olla päämäärää, tai oppia asioita isoissa mittakaavoissa. Oppitunti, päivä, viikko, jakso, lukukausi, vuosi kerrallaan, ilman hikeä, verta tai kyyneleitä. Sitten tuli ylioppilaskirjoitukset, jotka eivät enää sopineetkaan samaan kuvioon. Tuli paniikki, mutta siltikään en saanut itseäni tekemään tarpeeksi työtä, näkemään tarpeeksi vaivaa. Sama toistui pääsykokeiden kohdalla. Äkkiä olinkin "suojatyöpaikassa," vaikken ollut vielä aloittanutkaan todellista opiskelua. En päässyt opiskelemaan sinne, mihin todella halusin, mutten jaksanut nähdä vaivaa korjatakseni tilannetta. Jossain pään sisällä joku aina välillä huutaa, että aika vie minut koko ajan kauemmas mahdollisesta valinnasta. Mutta on helpointa kävellä tietä eteenpäin niin kauan, että tulee risteys, josta kykenee kääntymään kumpaan tahansa suuntaan. Sitten voi valita paremman, tai kahdesta pahasta pienemmän, ja uskotella itselleen, että tätä oikeasti halusikin. En tiedä, ehkä sillä ei ole ( ... )

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Jag ska kasta allt när jag går, fräta bort allting med thinner. emittchi July 19 2004, 17:38:06 UTC
Kiitos. Et arvaakaan kuinka paljon oloni helpottui, kun minulle selvisi, että sinä olet yhtä lailla ahdistunut aivan samoista jutuista. Ei kovin reilua ehkä, mutta totta kuitenkin.
Ja sitäkin epäkiitollisempaa minulta olla vastaamatta... mutta tuo oli niin hyvin kirjoitettu ja prikulleen miltä minusta tuntui, etten oikein osannut kirjoittaa mitään vastauksen arvoista. Joka tapauksessa kirjoituksesi auttoi minua paljon ja siitä kiitos.

Tällaisia keskusteluja olisi ihan påp toisinaan käydä ihan livenäkin, mutta jostain syystä ei koskaan tule puhuttua. Jos joskus alkaa ahdistaa ja kaipaat seuraa, soita niin tulen teelle. Tosin teetä vois muutenkin juoda taas joskus. Viettää iltaa ilman animea. Ja ompelemista. Ja muuta sählinkiä. (Enkä minä vieläkään saanut kirjoitettua tuohon juttuusi järkevää vastausta. Ohwell.)

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arkangeli July 21 2004, 16:27:25 UTC
Luin nyt uudelleen tuon viimevuotisen kirjoituksesi ja vastaukseni siihen, mieleeni palautui kuinka minun oli tarkoitus kommentoida vielä pidemmin sitä mitä kirjoitit perhesuhteistasi. En sitten kuitenkaan pystynyt, johtuen jostakin omituisesta päänsisäisestä lukosta, jonka logiikalla et oikeasti tunne säälinsekaista häpeää perheenjäsenistäsi niin kauan kuin olet aiheesta hiljaa ( ... )

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nahkasiipi December 2 2003, 04:09:43 UTC
I wish so much I could do something for you. I try to show I care but I'm afraid you'll freak out if I do it too often. Damn it, I'm always too scared to do anything. Maybe I'll gather up enough courage to hug you one of these days.

Have you considered seeking out 'professional' help? Like, go see a psychologist? I have no idea if it would help, I've never gone to see one, but they should be able to do something. That's what they get paid for! Please, consider it?

Again, I want you to know that you will always be welcome to hang out at Eath's when I move there. Or stay the night if you feel like it. No explanations needed.

*hugs*

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Speciellt sånt man aldrig får glömma... emittchi July 19 2004, 17:40:09 UTC
Indeed. Frankly, I didn't quite know how to feel about you at the time. I always seemed to sense either vibes of nervousness or annoyance from you towards me, so it made me feel very on edge too. Plus, I was bloody angry, envious and jealous of you grooving at school and work, suddenly moving from home to live with Eath and having the time of your life with your dad's new girlfriend. Guess I just can't stand other people's happiness when I'm down myself. Sorry 'bout it. It's all pretty much waining now.

About hugging... well... I freak out such things, but it doesn't mean I never want them... Umh, I don't know. Maybe it's making a big deal about it that freaks me out. Maybe it's better to just do it without warning and not let go for a while. Because heaven knows, me acting on my social desires would be an eight miracle... and that's painful too. 9_9; Mind is such a bitchy thing.

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Musings. nahkasiipi July 20 2004, 08:43:19 UTC
I must admit that I don't remember what was wrong at the time, so I can't explain it. It was probably something to do with that "you, and the others, don't care about me" thing, but I don't even want to try to remember it more clearly. I don't want it to come back! I must have gotten over it mostly, because I had forgotten all about it, and only a couple of weeks ago realized that everything's been going just fine with us for some months. :)

Plus, I was bloody angry, envious and jealous of you grooving at school and work, suddenly moving from home to live with Eath and having the time of your life with your dad's new girlfriend.I can understand that about school and work, but I'm a bit angry about you adding the moving and dad's wife there. Think about it like this: haven't I had enough of troubles with my family already that I might deserve a bit of peace, maybe even happiness? I have said this a couple of times already, and don't want to sound too dramatic saying it again, but I'm not sure if you've gotten it, because you haven't ( ... )

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När jag faller orkar du för två? emittchi July 20 2004, 16:01:30 UTC
Blame me for not explaining clearly enough ( ... )

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