Kagayaki Days - Part 3
Author: emmachase
Requested by: No One
Title: Kagayaki Days - Part 3
Rating: PG
Genre: ???
Pairing: OkaJimaTaro
Summary: Ryutaro joins Kagayaki hospital as one of its new cardiology interns, when he discovers theres more to Dr. Okamoto than it seems...
Notes: I'm so nervous about this one... it's been such a long time since i've written anything so this one is a test of my skills!
“Ryutaro…. Ryutaro?”
The sun streaked in through the curtains that lazily rested to the side of the window. I felt a hand gently shaking me and I squinted against the light at the figure that was outlined in its aura.
“K-Keito!” I snapped to attention. He was smiling at me through tired eyes that sagged with exhaustion.
“Thank you for last night.” He said
“Y-Your welcome but… w-What time is it!? It’s already ten in the morning!? We were supposed to be at the hospital two hours ago!” I began to throw the blankets off me but he caught my arm and shook his head.
“I already called the hospital and had my covering doctor take over our cases for the morning, we go in later today.”
I relaxed a bit, sinking back into the pillows behind me. Keito looked different in the mornings, he was a softer man, his eyes no longer carried the intense glare they showed at the hospital, and his body seemed tired and overworked now.
“What are you looking at?” He asked, setting down a cup of tea on the table.
“U-Uh, n-nothing…” I stumbled, pulling the blankets up a little.
“Surprised?”
“W-What?”
“Are you surprised? This is what I look like at home… just plain old me…” He smiled, gently giving the picture frame on the desk a small grin.
The room was silent for a few seconds, and I took it all in, this Keito was gentler, but at the same time he seemed to be more…. In longing…..and looking around the room it didn't take long to figure out why.
“This is his room isn’t it?” I asked, drawing his eyes to mine. He only nodded and forced a smile, showing me the picture he had been looking at. They were kissing underneath what looked to be a magnificently lit Tokyo tower.
“I’m sorry… I-I shouldn’t have come in here.” I made to get up again but he shook his head.
“It’s okay… the room’s got to serve some use anyway…. “ He said, standing up and walking to the door.
“You’d better change your clothes Ryutaro, I set a pair of my old clothes that should fit you, unless you want to run home and grab what you can.” He said, shutting the door and leaving me to change.
He was right, staying in clothes that smelled of beer and bar smoke didn't sound appealing, and luckily, the clothes Keito had neatly folded and set on the table fit me perfectly. They had that… worn-in feeling, and were so soft and comfortable. I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, now what to do with my old clothes? Searching around the room for a hanger to set my clothes on left me empty handed.
“Ah… they’ll wrinkle..” I frowned, and taking a final look around I saw the closet.
“There’s got to be some hangers in there….” I hopped over, opening the closet and grabbing a plastic hanger. As I moved the door aside however, one of my boxes had shifted position and my foot kicked into it, denting the cardboard, that is, until something hard in the box stopped me and made me stub my toe instead.
“Owww…” I nearly fell onto the floor grabbing my foot. Reaching for the box I wanted to push it back in but instead my eyes caught onto a single leather bound book that sat on top of the pile with the letters “Nakajima Yuto” tanned into the cover. I picked it up, my curiosity once again getting the best of me. Before I could open the binding though, I heard the sounds of Keito’s footsteps and quickly jumped up, throwing the book into my bag and shutting the closet door.
“Are you okay Ryutaro?” He asked, opening the door a little crack.
“Y-Yeah, I um… I borrowed a hanger from the closet in here for my old clothes, i-is that okay?”
“That’s fine…. No hurry, I was just wondering what took you so long, breakfast…. Or rather lunch now… is waiting.” He said, shutting the door again. The moment the door clicked shut, my heart slowed and my tensed legs relaxed. Why had I just done that….?” I opened my bag, picking up the leather book again and opened the closet door. The box bore the name of the Kagayaki hospital and underneath it was written “Items left behind” with Yuto’s name written into the blank. It looked like nothing in the box had been touched in quite a while..
“Ryutaro! Im going to go out to the store around the corner really quick okay? I have to go pick up some drinks since I forgot to buy some last night! Your food is on the table okay?” Keito called from downstairs and I called back my response.
I didn't go downstairs though, instead I fell back upon the bed, and I tugged at the two leather cords that tied the journal shut.
I see him trying everyday, and it makes me so happy that he’s doing all he can. I only wish though, that he would spend more time with me. I miss him. Laying here everyday gets lonely. The patients come and see me, but he never does. He only comes when he wants to prep me for surgery, or share his discoveries. I want to talk to him though, but his eyes… they’re so happy when he comes with a new technique, or a new possibility, that I cant bear to take him off the subject. I just wonder what will happen… if everything doesn't work out..
This was his journal… my eyes dove back into the pages flipping a few pages back.
I can barely walk anymore, my legs wont carry me where I want to go, and this bed seems like it’ll be the last thing I ever see. Just before it all goes away though, I made a trip, to find him. The office was just as I had left it, except now he’s sitting there on the couch, his eyes were so focused on those books. I didn't want to disturb him, the look in his eyes, determination and all… that is just how I want to remember him. This was the man I fell in love with… I spent the last few hours I could stand there, watching him as he flipped pages, and sipped his coffee. This is enough for me… the last I’ll ever see him working…
“Ryutaro! Where are you? You didn't eat any breakfast?” Keito called from downstairs
“C-Coming!” I yelled, stuffing the journal back into my bag.
I couldn't look at him during breakfast, I was stealing, AND keeping secrets from him…
“Are you okay?”
“Hm!? What!? Y-Yes!” I piped, he seemed to be suspicious, but a few nods of pretending to listen made him think the better of it.
We drove to the hospital and with both grimaced as the doors opened to welcome us.
“Ready Ryutaro?”
“Ready.”
“Let’s go then….” I sighed, as I tackled the crowd of nurses and came out the otherside with at least 15 case charts in my arms, each representing a patient that I would need to consult with and do a regular check-up.
Fortunately for me, my overly eager colleagues were more than willing to take more patients, and took ten of them off my hands. After the last five patients were taken care of and sent off to tests, I found myself hiding away in one of the few rooms that were unoccupied. I opened my bag again and pulled out the journal.
Over the next three hours, I hid, and I got to know the man that Keito had fallen in love with. The journal began the moment Yuto knew something was wrong with him, a whole four months before he collapsed. I experienced everything he did, his fears, his joys, even in his dreams. I even read about the small fight he had with Keito about what to do for the holidays. Then I got to an entry written with shakier hands.
I lost him, I lost him…..
He was only 23 years old… admitted from a late night train accident. He was one of the only two passengers, going back home from his party for being accepted into a study program abroad. She was only 21, a young girl celebrating the beginning of her adult life….
They came in, skewered together on the same pole like a sick joke. A thousand tests and scans later, I found it impossible to operate on both. The pole that normally would have let passengers hold onto their ground, is robbing them of theirs. Her heart was nicked and scratched by the metal, but he’s got a hole in his lung, and a shattered half of a vertebrate. If we moved the pole either way we could kill them… how were we supposed to operate, to save their lives? We had to choose which one had the best chance to live, that's what Keito said, but I want to save both…
Why is it that they say doctors always have a god complex? What good is being a god when we cant do what we want? Since I admitted them, their case was mine, and mine to decide…..
How was I to tell him, that because he was more unfortunate, that he was going to die to save her? How do you even tell someone they’re going to die?
Their lives were black and white to me, and I had to tell them……
Daisuke, his name was Daisuke, and he told me that he was glad… that he could do something great with his last breath. He told me his story as they prepped the room, his dreams, his ambitions, and even the things he was going to do as a ghost. Could you believe he was joking with me? He was joking!
The page was soggy here and the tears blurred away his writing but I knew what they meant to say….
I held his hand as he talked and he told me his last desire was to do something great with his life. He was happy, because he would complete his goal…
I remember when they came and the anesthesia began to kick in, his eyes shifted and closed as if he were going to sleep and his hand loosened around mine…. And I knew that was the feeling of his life slipping from my grip….
But I was powerless to help him.
The moment that pole moved and came out his organs began bleeding and nothing I could do could save him. His life ended with a steady tone that announced both it and my failure…..
Keito always tells me to think about the one I saved by making that decision, but I always think of the one I lost, and maybe the world is punishing me with this heart of mine, but this is one I’d gladly take…..
So I’ll ask one more time, What kind of gods are we when we cant save those that need us?
I closed the journal, his last questions ringing in my head. I felt something tap onto my scrubs, and I looked down to see nothing but blurs, I was crying…..
“Yuto… I’m so sorry…”
Collecting myself, I pulled myself up and walked out of the room, the journal hidden in my bag. My patients were waiting for me in their rooms, three of them ready to be sent home with medication in hand, and two of them staying the night for more observation.
Over that week I spent a few days at Keito’s house instead of my own home, not because I wanted to look into that box of course, but simply because his home was closer to the hospital than mine, it was more… efficient to stay there. The box was just a benefit….
I found tapes of his operations, the few that he did, and even some of his research, things that were still way beyond me. Even though anything I saw him do in these videos, I could never do in front of Keito, I watched diligently, studying as Yuto showed me how to repair the human body, how to save a life. There were things in here that no textbook could describe and no amount of lecturing could teach. In reading the journal, I also gained some insight into Keito, his own father a well-respected doctor and his mother a rather stiff woman who Yuto got along with “surprisingly”. They would grin
Then… it happened.
I got into the hospital late, and a feeling deep in my gut regretted it the moment I stepped in. The air hung dense with anticipation and I didn't know what for. Until the siren in the speaker system rang, a yellow flashing light signaling the hospital was entering trauma mode.
“Attention all available staff members, please report to the emergency room for trauma and triage”
With a queasy feeling in my stomach, I jumped into my scrubs and dashed to Miki’s side.
“Keitos in an early surgery today, so it’s just you and me Ryuu-Chan.” She said brightly, and I nodded, taking a big gulp.
“Listen up people! Subway derailment caused by a minor tremor this morning. We have multiple commuters on that rail line coming in with injuries. All new interns will be assigned to minor injuries, you are in charge of getting them in and out of the hospital so we don't overcrowd. All serious cases will be handled by members of the staff as well as senior interns and attending. Is that clear?” I nodded as the chief of medicine spoke.
“You’re standing in for Keito today Ryuu-Chan… “ Miki added and my eyes gawked at her.
“W-What?”
“Looks like for today, you’re a member of the senior staff.” She smiled as the first ambulance arrived and the first in the long pristine line of nurses and doctors ran forward to accept their patients.
My patient was a salary man, a short man with a lot of energy. He insisted he was fine, just that his arms were in pain.
“Miki, X-ray please,”
She nodded and wheeled the man away as my next patient was brought to me, a little boy, with just a small bump on his head. The nurses sent him to the care ward because they weren’t sure if there would be any damage to his brain. I bandaged him up and set him to his mother’s side, who was just now receiving stitches for a small cut from the broken glass windows.
“Here you go Ryuu-kun.” Miki returned with the man. He had some shrapnel embedded in his arm from where he shielded himself from the glass, and he had dislocated his shoulder….
“W-What is it? Y-You can tell me I promise, I wont freak out.” He said, noting the look on my face.
“Your shoulder’s been dislocated, it’s not too serious, but we have to reset the bone… and that’ll hurt…”
Much to my surprise though, the man offered his arm to me and I nodded to Miki who took up the position, wrapping her arm around the man to keep him from moving. With one quick movement, I pulled his arm, bracing my other against his shoulder. A sickening crack came and was followed by a yell and the man’s entire body tensed and relaxed.
“You’re shoulder’s been reset, now, and we’ll put it in a sling for a while until it feels stronger, but first, we’re going to remove some of the glass shards in your arm okay?” I asked, laying the man down, moving his arms to the side where I could see the glimmer of glass.
Minutes later I was done, and another patient was wheeled in front of me, and another, and another. I looked at the clock and sighed. I’d been doing this for almost six hours now. I saw a total of 36 patients, some with simple injuries, some with more serious injuries. Around that time though, Keito appeared, he had just gotten out of a heart transplant and was completely drained.
“Good job Ryutaro.” He said, his breath flighty and his gait exhausted.
I smiled and told him I was fine, that he should go to the office and rest a bit. Keito agreed and walked off towards the cardiology office.
My 37th patient, or should I say my 37th and 38th, I wish I had never taken. They came in wheeled on the same stretcher. The moment I saw them I regretted taking them. My heart stopped and I trembled as I looked at what Yuto described to be a “Sick joke”. Two young boys, students enjoying their day off from class, sat opposite each other, both with a single pole skewering their bodies together.
“Male, 16, Nakayama Taro, student, Sakuragi High school.”
“Male, 16, Nakayama Jiro, student, Sakuragi High school.”
The two nurses presented, and I froze. My head shaking. It was happening again… it was happening again… this time… to me…
“X-ray…p-please..” My voice trembled, and Miki turned from our last patient to see what was the matter. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me, a single hand trying to reassure me it would be okay.
“I-I’m just an intern.. I- I cant do it… I cant make the choice that he did if it comes down to it…” my shivers intensified.
“I-I’ll go get Keito..” Miki said, rushing off.
My mentor appeared just a few seconds later, his eyes tired, but compassionate. He walked over to me and sat me down, telling me that it would all be okay, even though no one knew if it really would.
The twin boys returned, and their X-rays showed absolutely no good news. One of the brothers, Taro, had the pole, but something else embedded within his body.
“What… are those?” I pointed to rough edges that showed up in the film. They were digging into his organs,
“nnnh….” Keito and I turned to see one of the boys waking up.
“The anesthesia must be wearing off.” Miki said, reaching out to get another syringe.
“Taro-kun?” I asked, but the boy shook his head
“I’m.. Jiro, “
“Jiro-kun, I need you to listen to me okay? When all this happened, before the paramedics found you, can you tell me what you and your brother were doing?”
“W-We were… going to see our grandparents… Nii-chan was showing me his new game…on his Nintendo…”
“Game?” I looked at Keito who turned to look at the x-ray again.
“This isn’t good….” I whispered, as I realized what he was staring at.
The shattered pieces in his body were pieces of sharp plastic from the body of the boy’s handheld game console…..
“He must have used it instinctively to shield himself when he saw the pole coming….” Keito murmured.
“What do we….. do?” I asked, and Keito shook his head, looking at the other brother’s x-rays. He was in better condition, but certainly not out of the woods. The pole had luckily missed his vital organs.
“Ryutaro… you have to-“
“-make a choice….” I whispered, my breath seemed to stop all at once, the events from Yuto’s diary unfolded in my mind again.
“Yes”
“I.. I cant…” I panicked, running out of the room and as far and as fast as I could. The small stairwell on the far side of the hospital was the only quiet place I could think of. The patients in the wing were all elderly that preferred using the elevators, so no one would find me.
The small window sill that usually gave me such solace did nothing now, my mind flashed to the two brothers sitting there, their life teetering on my stupid….
“stupid mind…”
“You’re not stupid…”
Keito appeared at the base of the stairs, the large heavy door slamming shut with a resounding bang.
“You’re not stupid.” He repeated, walking up the few steps to the window.
“Keito… it’s happening… “
“What’s happening, what’s wrong?”
I gave him such a look, I was scared, I was just a lowly intern….
“Keito…. Cant you just make the decision for me… please?”
“No Ryutaro… as much as I may want to, this is important for you to know… it’s important for you to experience this…I know you’ll hate me for it, but you have to learn… being a doctor means holding lives in your hands, and sometimes there is no easy choice….”
“B-But… Yuto… he made a choice… and it destroyed him….I didn't… I don't… I mean…. If I save Jiro… Taro dies, if I save Taro, by the time I get to Jiro… it’ll be too late…”
I could see the surprise in his eyes when I mentioned Yuto’s name, and he thought the better of it.
“So, Miki told you about it did she?”
I didn't respond, I didn't want to tell him I was snooping around anymore…
“Yuto made a choice, and he saved a life, he did what he could to try to save both. He could never look past, the one he lost, and he could never look past his own failures. But he couldn't never see the good he was doing, and that was what destroyed him. Yuto cried so hard… but it made him stronger, it gave him the drive… and Ryutaro, you’re just like him… you’re just like him in every way… and I know… you’ll come out of this a better doctor than you already are…. “ A firm set of arms wrapped around me, and I felt safe… that I could do no wrong… at least, not to him. And that’s all I cared about…
Half an hour later, my knees trembled as I walked back into the patient room, and calmly, I explained the situation to them.
“It should be me.” Taro said in an instant.
“No! There has to be a way… there has to be a way…” The younger brother shook his head. I could tell he was trying to hold in the tears that had been welling up since I started talking, and I wanted so badly to tell him I was right there with him.
Yuto’s journal told me the feelings my body was trying so hard to reconcile, guilt, failure, helplessness… all of it came to me and it was too much…
“Yuto… what do I do…?”
And that was it… Yuto… Yuto’s research….
“It’s Yuto’s research…. That’s the answer…” I whispered, my eyes widened as I recalled the last parts of his papers. He had been researching techniques for this….
“K-Keito… Yuto’s research… the paper on advanced trauma… do you remember it?”
“I’ve only seen it when he was writing it, it was writing it on this….. ho-how do you know about it…”
“I-I found it online, it was nearly finished…” I made something up quickly.
“It’s risky though, if we don't do this correctly, we could lose both of them….”
“I don't want to do it….”
Keito and I turned to see the older twin, Taro, holding his brother in his arms. He stretched his arms awkwardly trying to hold the younger boy.
“I don't want… to risk it, I want Jiro to live, and I want to give my life to do it. Do you understand?”
“Taro.. Taro…..no…”
“Just… let me do it….. Jiro… just let me do it….just let me do it…”
“Please… just let me help you, let me help you both… there’s a chance that you can both live… there’s a chance……”
“There’s a chance….. that Jiro could die…”
“Nii-Chan…”
“The decision has been made… it’ll be me… and you have to save Jiro… you don't need to wait for our parents to come, it’ll be me.”
I stood there, shocked by these two brothers. It was then that something surprising happened.
The younger brother, Jiro who was resting in his older brother’s arms whispered something, and in a flash he had gripped the bed, and pulled himself back, pulling the pole out of him blood gushed out from him and Taro screamed.
“GET HIM ON A CART!” Keito shouted and I darted over as the nurses put the boy with the giant hole in him on a cart.
The pure carnage that greeted my eyes, he wasn't going to make it if I didn't…
“I’m sorry Keito…” I whispered, and I could feel his gaze upon me as I set to work, using all the techniques Yuto had developed, all that the tapes had taught me. Moments later, I had stabilized the bleeding, covered the area with an endless amount of gauze and a bandage the size of my head.
The moment I finished, I turned around to find Taro passed out from the movement, of the pole.
“We just got him anesthetized, we need to begin now, his body is already going through enough trauma.” Keito called.
While he was tending to the boy’s vitals, I began my incision, moving around the pole and slowly trying to ease it out of him. The enormous amount of blood that swarmed onto the table made me shudder. I patched up one of the wounds, trying hard to contain the bleeding, when that was finally done, the small blood covered pieces of plastic began to make their way out on the end of my tweezers, small gel applications and stitches to repair the damage followed. Taro would be okay… for now…
I closed up the body cavity, my stitches tight and neat like I’d been practicing, and when it was all over, I stepped back.
The entire room fell quiet and I felt their eyes burning into me.
“That was… amazing….Doctor….” One of the nurses finally spoke, and I heard the resounding applause that filled the room.
“Where did you learn such techniques?” One of the other nurses asked
“Uh…I… just…”
“He learned it from Yuto-kun of course… don't you recognize the stitching?” Miki chirped, pushing away the carts and wheeling the boys to the far end of the room to be taken to recovery.
I was horrified that I had forgotten my control and done something as simple as stitching using Yuto’s techniques, now Keito would surely know….that I’ve been poking my nose where I shouldn't…
“Keito!?” I turned around, looking over the room desperately trying to find him. He wasn't in the room anymore, and no one saw him leave.
In a hurry I ran to the cardiology office to find the door open and the single lamp on his desk on. He sat there in the middle of everything, staring at the picture frame in his hands. Now wasn't the time to talk to him, not after what I’ve done..
“Ryutaro,” I froze before I took my first step. I poked my head into the office again.
“Come sit down,”
“K-Keito I’m sorry! I really am! I didn't mean to snoop around and find those tapes, I didn't mean to!”
“It’s okay…. I just want you to tell me, where you got those tapes, where you read his research… how you learned to do… what you did in there.”
I told him about how I’d stumbled across the box in the closet of the room, and I told him about how I’d taken a look at the tapes, and read the papers in the box. Somehow though, a piece of me couldn't bear to tell him about the journal. Yuto was so sad in that journal, and that wasn't the way I wanted Keito to remember him.
“You’re just like him…” Keito said again
“What do you mean?”
“You’re just like him… really. He was a genius, Brilliant at his job, his research. Flawless in his technique and instinct, everything about him… “ Keito grinned and turned to face me.
“You see, I wasn’t the best in my class like he was, I didn't have the instinct to just….. know what to do. I studied so hard, I practiced and I worked myself to the bone to become what I am today, and even then I couldn't understand the things he did. You thought, you understood it all from watching a few videos. I’m proud of you Ryutaro, get some rest, tomorrow I’m sure you’re going to be a celebrity around here…” Keito grinned, patting me on the back and sending me on my way.
“Oh and Ryutaro?”
I looked at my mentor who stood back at his desk, the picture p in his hands.
“Yuto’s grateful you redeemed him….and so am I.”
I bowed and closed the door of the office behind me. I had promised myself I’d never make him think about Yuto again, and I broke that promise. I didn't want him to feel that…sadness, but I still did it….
Instead of going home, I went in to check on the brothers. The little brother was just now coming out from anesthesia, he would be in pain, but at least he was alive.
“Hey Jiro-kun,”
“Mnnh… my head…”
“That’s the drugs wearing off, it’ll get less foggy in a bit when you fully wake up.”
“T-Taro!? I-If I’m alive that means…”
I shook my head, trying to calm him down.
“Taro-kun is doing okay, he’s doing okay. But right now I’m a little more worried about you… what made you do something like that? Don't you know you could have been killed?”
I knew… and I knew that if I died… he could live….”
“Jiro…..”
“Taro-kun? How are you feeling? Are you okay?” I went over to his bed, checking on the bandages and his chart.
“My chest… it hurts…” He complained.
“Well… you had a hole in you…. So I’m not surprised… but it looks like everything is well taken care of…” I smiled my doctor smile and nodded to the both of them.
My small home never felt so alien now, I had been spending so many nights at Keito’s now, a stack of mail greeted me. Somewhere between a bill for my electricity, and an advertisement for my child’s education I fell asleep on the couch. I felt the distinct need to move myself upstairs to my bedroom, but laziness won and I was so grateful for the blanket I kept beside the couch for just such an occasion.
Around three in the morning, my cellphone rang, my beeper rang and I woke up startled. My eyes were blurry and couldn't focus on the words.
The messages on my phone made my heart skip a beat and I ran out the door, not even bothering to turn off the TV that had serenaded me to sleep, or the lights that watched over me.
By the time I got there, it was too late….
Taro sat up in his bed, his eyes red and bloodshot. Someone had pushed their beds together and removed the guard railing. The two brothers sat there, Jiro laying in his older brother’s arms, he was lifeless, and his eyes were closed. There was a soft smile on his face, one that was so bittersweet to me….
“There was a complication during his recovery… “ Keito said, appearing next to me
“W-What… happened?”
“When Jiro-kun moved himself off the pole, he chipped off a part of his ribs, it seems that when he laid back and his adrenaline wore off as well as the drugs we gave him wore off, he relaxed, and the bone chip dug into his lung, and…. By the time we got here…. It was too late….”
“I-I should have checked it… I should have checked everything….I did this….”
“Ryutaro, no… you couldn't have known, and we wouldn't have had the time to perform X-rays, we had to tend to Taro remember? It’s not your fault… it’s not your fault….”
Even if Keito had said that to me a thousand times, it wouldn't have mattered.
I ran outside the room, and not even seven steps later my knees gave out and I fell against the wall. It was too much….. it was just too much….. The look on Taro’s eyes, the smile that should have been on Jiro’s, it all came to me, it all welled up inside and… I had to let it out….
I cried and cried and I couldn't stop….I couldn’t stop at all…
“Ryutaro… it’s not your fault….. you can’t always save everyone… that’s not what we do…”
Keito sat with me, waiting for me to calm down…
“Ryutaro… being a doctor, is…. Well…. It’s just that we do what we can… to save who we can, but you have to know, that not everyone can be saved. Sometimes it’s their time to go… and we cant do anything to stop it. If the world were perfect, and if doctors were perfect, no one would die… It’s okay Ryutaro… to cry after losing your first patient, but you can’t let it destroy you like this… “
“I…I…cant stop… I cant…” My own voice sounded shattered between gasps and heaves. I felt like such a baby, crying, just crying,
For the next half hour, I sobbed uncontrollably into Keito’s shoulder, and for the next half hour after that… I said my goodbyes to Jiro.
When I got home that night, my bed was the only thing on my mind, I didnt want to deal with the reality of the world anymore….. and I didn't want to deal with my failure… the same failure that if I wasn't strong enough to handle, would destroy me like it did Yuto.
For now though, I’d had enough, and sleep was my only escape… until tomorrow, I wouldn't have to face the misery that surrounded me and the death of my patient.
Requested by: No One
Title: Kagayaki Days - Part 3
Rating: PG
Genre: ???
Pairing: OkaJimaTaro
Summary: Ryutaro joins Kagayaki hospital as one of its new cardiology interns, when he discovers theres more to Dr. Okamoto than it seems...
Notes: I'm so nervous about this one... it's been such a long time since i've written anything so this one is a test of my skills!
“Ryutaro…. Ryutaro?”
The sun streaked in through the curtains that lazily rested to the side of the window. I felt a hand gently shaking me and I squinted against the light at the figure that was outlined in its aura.
“K-Keito!” I snapped to attention. He was smiling at me through tired eyes that sagged with exhaustion.
“Thank you for last night.” He said
“Y-Your welcome but… w-What time is it!? It’s already ten in the morning!? We were supposed to be at the hospital two hours ago!” I began to throw the blankets off me but he caught my arm and shook his head.
“I already called the hospital and had my covering doctor take over our cases for the morning, we go in later today.”
I relaxed a bit, sinking back into the pillows behind me. Keito looked different in the mornings, he was a softer man, his eyes no longer carried the intense glare they showed at the hospital, and his body seemed tired and overworked now.
“What are you looking at?” He asked, setting down a cup of tea on the table.
“U-Uh, n-nothing…” I stumbled, pulling the blankets up a little.
“Surprised?”
“W-What?”
“Are you surprised? This is what I look like at home… just plain old me…” He smiled, gently giving the picture frame on the desk a small grin.
The room was silent for a few seconds, and I took it all in, this Keito was gentler, but at the same time he seemed to be more…. In longing…..and looking around the room it didn't take long to figure out why.
“This is his room isn’t it?” I asked, drawing his eyes to mine. He only nodded and forced a smile, showing me the picture he had been looking at. They were kissing underneath what looked to be a magnificently lit Tokyo tower.
“I’m sorry… I-I shouldn’t have come in here.” I made to get up again but he shook his head.
“It’s okay… the room’s got to serve some use anyway…. “ He said, standing up and walking to the door.
“You’d better change your clothes Ryutaro, I set a pair of my old clothes that should fit you, unless you want to run home and grab what you can.” He said, shutting the door and leaving me to change.
He was right, staying in clothes that smelled of beer and bar smoke didn't sound appealing, and luckily, the clothes Keito had neatly folded and set on the table fit me perfectly. They had that… worn-in feeling, and were so soft and comfortable. I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, now what to do with my old clothes? Searching around the room for a hanger to set my clothes on left me empty handed.
“Ah… they’ll wrinkle..” I frowned, and taking a final look around I saw the closet.
“There’s got to be some hangers in there….” I hopped over, opening the closet and grabbing a plastic hanger. As I moved the door aside however, one of my boxes had shifted position and my foot kicked into it, denting the cardboard, that is, until something hard in the box stopped me and made me stub my toe instead.
“Owww…” I nearly fell onto the floor grabbing my foot. Reaching for the box I wanted to push it back in but instead my eyes caught onto a single leather bound book that sat on top of the pile with the letters “Nakajima Yuto” tanned into the cover. I picked it up, my curiosity once again getting the best of me. Before I could open the binding though, I heard the sounds of Keito’s footsteps and quickly jumped up, throwing the book into my bag and shutting the closet door.
“Are you okay Ryutaro?” He asked, opening the door a little crack.
“Y-Yeah, I um… I borrowed a hanger from the closet in here for my old clothes, i-is that okay?”
“That’s fine…. No hurry, I was just wondering what took you so long, breakfast…. Or rather lunch now… is waiting.” He said, shutting the door again. The moment the door clicked shut, my heart slowed and my tensed legs relaxed. Why had I just done that….?” I opened my bag, picking up the leather book again and opened the closet door. The box bore the name of the Kagayaki hospital and underneath it was written “Items left behind” with Yuto’s name written into the blank. It looked like nothing in the box had been touched in quite a while..
“Ryutaro! Im going to go out to the store around the corner really quick okay? I have to go pick up some drinks since I forgot to buy some last night! Your food is on the table okay?” Keito called from downstairs and I called back my response.
I didn't go downstairs though, instead I fell back upon the bed, and I tugged at the two leather cords that tied the journal shut.
I see him trying everyday, and it makes me so happy that he’s doing all he can. I only wish though, that he would spend more time with me. I miss him. Laying here everyday gets lonely. The patients come and see me, but he never does. He only comes when he wants to prep me for surgery, or share his discoveries. I want to talk to him though, but his eyes… they’re so happy when he comes with a new technique, or a new possibility, that I cant bear to take him off the subject. I just wonder what will happen… if everything doesn't work out..
This was his journal… my eyes dove back into the pages flipping a few pages back.
I can barely walk anymore, my legs wont carry me where I want to go, and this bed seems like it’ll be the last thing I ever see. Just before it all goes away though, I made a trip, to find him. The office was just as I had left it, except now he’s sitting there on the couch, his eyes were so focused on those books. I didn't want to disturb him, the look in his eyes, determination and all… that is just how I want to remember him. This was the man I fell in love with… I spent the last few hours I could stand there, watching him as he flipped pages, and sipped his coffee. This is enough for me… the last I’ll ever see him working…
“Ryutaro! Where are you? You didn't eat any breakfast?” Keito called from downstairs
“C-Coming!” I yelled, stuffing the journal back into my bag.
I couldn't look at him during breakfast, I was stealing, AND keeping secrets from him…
“Are you okay?”
“Hm!? What!? Y-Yes!” I piped, he seemed to be suspicious, but a few nods of pretending to listen made him think the better of it.
We drove to the hospital and with both grimaced as the doors opened to welcome us.
“Ready Ryutaro?”
“Ready.”
“Let’s go then….” I sighed, as I tackled the crowd of nurses and came out the otherside with at least 15 case charts in my arms, each representing a patient that I would need to consult with and do a regular check-up.
Fortunately for me, my overly eager colleagues were more than willing to take more patients, and took ten of them off my hands. After the last five patients were taken care of and sent off to tests, I found myself hiding away in one of the few rooms that were unoccupied. I opened my bag again and pulled out the journal.
Over the next three hours, I hid, and I got to know the man that Keito had fallen in love with. The journal began the moment Yuto knew something was wrong with him, a whole four months before he collapsed. I experienced everything he did, his fears, his joys, even in his dreams. I even read about the small fight he had with Keito about what to do for the holidays. Then I got to an entry written with shakier hands.
I lost him, I lost him…..
He was only 23 years old… admitted from a late night train accident. He was one of the only two passengers, going back home from his party for being accepted into a study program abroad. She was only 21, a young girl celebrating the beginning of her adult life….
They came in, skewered together on the same pole like a sick joke. A thousand tests and scans later, I found it impossible to operate on both. The pole that normally would have let passengers hold onto their ground, is robbing them of theirs. Her heart was nicked and scratched by the metal, but he’s got a hole in his lung, and a shattered half of a vertebrate. If we moved the pole either way we could kill them… how were we supposed to operate, to save their lives? We had to choose which one had the best chance to live, that's what Keito said, but I want to save both…
Why is it that they say doctors always have a god complex? What good is being a god when we cant do what we want? Since I admitted them, their case was mine, and mine to decide…..
How was I to tell him, that because he was more unfortunate, that he was going to die to save her? How do you even tell someone they’re going to die?
Their lives were black and white to me, and I had to tell them……
Daisuke, his name was Daisuke, and he told me that he was glad… that he could do something great with his last breath. He told me his story as they prepped the room, his dreams, his ambitions, and even the things he was going to do as a ghost. Could you believe he was joking with me? He was joking!
The page was soggy here and the tears blurred away his writing but I knew what they meant to say….
I held his hand as he talked and he told me his last desire was to do something great with his life. He was happy, because he would complete his goal…
I remember when they came and the anesthesia began to kick in, his eyes shifted and closed as if he were going to sleep and his hand loosened around mine…. And I knew that was the feeling of his life slipping from my grip….
But I was powerless to help him.
The moment that pole moved and came out his organs began bleeding and nothing I could do could save him. His life ended with a steady tone that announced both it and my failure…..
Keito always tells me to think about the one I saved by making that decision, but I always think of the one I lost, and maybe the world is punishing me with this heart of mine, but this is one I’d gladly take…..
So I’ll ask one more time, What kind of gods are we when we cant save those that need us?
I closed the journal, his last questions ringing in my head. I felt something tap onto my scrubs, and I looked down to see nothing but blurs, I was crying…..
“Yuto… I’m so sorry…”
Collecting myself, I pulled myself up and walked out of the room, the journal hidden in my bag. My patients were waiting for me in their rooms, three of them ready to be sent home with medication in hand, and two of them staying the night for more observation.
Over that week I spent a few days at Keito’s house instead of my own home, not because I wanted to look into that box of course, but simply because his home was closer to the hospital than mine, it was more… efficient to stay there. The box was just a benefit….
I found tapes of his operations, the few that he did, and even some of his research, things that were still way beyond me. Even though anything I saw him do in these videos, I could never do in front of Keito, I watched diligently, studying as Yuto showed me how to repair the human body, how to save a life. There were things in here that no textbook could describe and no amount of lecturing could teach. In reading the journal, I also gained some insight into Keito, his own father a well-respected doctor and his mother a rather stiff woman who Yuto got along with “surprisingly”. They would grin
Then… it happened.
I got into the hospital late, and a feeling deep in my gut regretted it the moment I stepped in. The air hung dense with anticipation and I didn't know what for. Until the siren in the speaker system rang, a yellow flashing light signaling the hospital was entering trauma mode.
“Attention all available staff members, please report to the emergency room for trauma and triage”
With a queasy feeling in my stomach, I jumped into my scrubs and dashed to Miki’s side.
“Keitos in an early surgery today, so it’s just you and me Ryuu-Chan.” She said brightly, and I nodded, taking a big gulp.
“Listen up people! Subway derailment caused by a minor tremor this morning. We have multiple commuters on that rail line coming in with injuries. All new interns will be assigned to minor injuries, you are in charge of getting them in and out of the hospital so we don't overcrowd. All serious cases will be handled by members of the staff as well as senior interns and attending. Is that clear?” I nodded as the chief of medicine spoke.
“You’re standing in for Keito today Ryuu-Chan… “ Miki added and my eyes gawked at her.
“W-What?”
“Looks like for today, you’re a member of the senior staff.” She smiled as the first ambulance arrived and the first in the long pristine line of nurses and doctors ran forward to accept their patients.
My patient was a salary man, a short man with a lot of energy. He insisted he was fine, just that his arms were in pain.
“Miki, X-ray please,”
She nodded and wheeled the man away as my next patient was brought to me, a little boy, with just a small bump on his head. The nurses sent him to the care ward because they weren’t sure if there would be any damage to his brain. I bandaged him up and set him to his mother’s side, who was just now receiving stitches for a small cut from the broken glass windows.
“Here you go Ryuu-kun.” Miki returned with the man. He had some shrapnel embedded in his arm from where he shielded himself from the glass, and he had dislocated his shoulder….
“W-What is it? Y-You can tell me I promise, I wont freak out.” He said, noting the look on my face.
“Your shoulder’s been dislocated, it’s not too serious, but we have to reset the bone… and that’ll hurt…”
Much to my surprise though, the man offered his arm to me and I nodded to Miki who took up the position, wrapping her arm around the man to keep him from moving. With one quick movement, I pulled his arm, bracing my other against his shoulder. A sickening crack came and was followed by a yell and the man’s entire body tensed and relaxed.
“You’re shoulder’s been reset, now, and we’ll put it in a sling for a while until it feels stronger, but first, we’re going to remove some of the glass shards in your arm okay?” I asked, laying the man down, moving his arms to the side where I could see the glimmer of glass.
Minutes later I was done, and another patient was wheeled in front of me, and another, and another. I looked at the clock and sighed. I’d been doing this for almost six hours now. I saw a total of 36 patients, some with simple injuries, some with more serious injuries. Around that time though, Keito appeared, he had just gotten out of a heart transplant and was completely drained.
“Good job Ryutaro.” He said, his breath flighty and his gait exhausted.
I smiled and told him I was fine, that he should go to the office and rest a bit. Keito agreed and walked off towards the cardiology office.
My 37th patient, or should I say my 37th and 38th, I wish I had never taken. They came in wheeled on the same stretcher. The moment I saw them I regretted taking them. My heart stopped and I trembled as I looked at what Yuto described to be a “Sick joke”. Two young boys, students enjoying their day off from class, sat opposite each other, both with a single pole skewering their bodies together.
“Male, 16, Nakayama Taro, student, Sakuragi High school.”
“Male, 16, Nakayama Jiro, student, Sakuragi High school.”
The two nurses presented, and I froze. My head shaking. It was happening again… it was happening again… this time… to me…
“X-ray…p-please..” My voice trembled, and Miki turned from our last patient to see what was the matter. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me, a single hand trying to reassure me it would be okay.
“I-I’m just an intern.. I- I cant do it… I cant make the choice that he did if it comes down to it…” my shivers intensified.
“I-I’ll go get Keito..” Miki said, rushing off.
My mentor appeared just a few seconds later, his eyes tired, but compassionate. He walked over to me and sat me down, telling me that it would all be okay, even though no one knew if it really would.
The twin boys returned, and their X-rays showed absolutely no good news. One of the brothers, Taro, had the pole, but something else embedded within his body.
“What… are those?” I pointed to rough edges that showed up in the film. They were digging into his organs,
“nnnh….” Keito and I turned to see one of the boys waking up.
“The anesthesia must be wearing off.” Miki said, reaching out to get another syringe.
“Taro-kun?” I asked, but the boy shook his head
“I’m.. Jiro, “
“Jiro-kun, I need you to listen to me okay? When all this happened, before the paramedics found you, can you tell me what you and your brother were doing?”
“W-We were… going to see our grandparents… Nii-chan was showing me his new game…on his Nintendo…”
“Game?” I looked at Keito who turned to look at the x-ray again.
“This isn’t good….” I whispered, as I realized what he was staring at.
The shattered pieces in his body were pieces of sharp plastic from the body of the boy’s handheld game console…..
“He must have used it instinctively to shield himself when he saw the pole coming….” Keito murmured.
“What do we….. do?” I asked, and Keito shook his head, looking at the other brother’s x-rays. He was in better condition, but certainly not out of the woods. The pole had luckily missed his vital organs.
“Ryutaro… you have to-“
“-make a choice….” I whispered, my breath seemed to stop all at once, the events from Yuto’s diary unfolded in my mind again.
“Yes”
“I.. I cant…” I panicked, running out of the room and as far and as fast as I could. The small stairwell on the far side of the hospital was the only quiet place I could think of. The patients in the wing were all elderly that preferred using the elevators, so no one would find me.
The small window sill that usually gave me such solace did nothing now, my mind flashed to the two brothers sitting there, their life teetering on my stupid….
“stupid mind…”
“You’re not stupid…”
Keito appeared at the base of the stairs, the large heavy door slamming shut with a resounding bang.
“You’re not stupid.” He repeated, walking up the few steps to the window.
“Keito… it’s happening… “
“What’s happening, what’s wrong?”
I gave him such a look, I was scared, I was just a lowly intern….
“Keito…. Cant you just make the decision for me… please?”
“No Ryutaro… as much as I may want to, this is important for you to know… it’s important for you to experience this…I know you’ll hate me for it, but you have to learn… being a doctor means holding lives in your hands, and sometimes there is no easy choice….”
“B-But… Yuto… he made a choice… and it destroyed him….I didn't… I don't… I mean…. If I save Jiro… Taro dies, if I save Taro, by the time I get to Jiro… it’ll be too late…”
I could see the surprise in his eyes when I mentioned Yuto’s name, and he thought the better of it.
“So, Miki told you about it did she?”
I didn't respond, I didn't want to tell him I was snooping around anymore…
“Yuto made a choice, and he saved a life, he did what he could to try to save both. He could never look past, the one he lost, and he could never look past his own failures. But he couldn't never see the good he was doing, and that was what destroyed him. Yuto cried so hard… but it made him stronger, it gave him the drive… and Ryutaro, you’re just like him… you’re just like him in every way… and I know… you’ll come out of this a better doctor than you already are…. “ A firm set of arms wrapped around me, and I felt safe… that I could do no wrong… at least, not to him. And that’s all I cared about…
Half an hour later, my knees trembled as I walked back into the patient room, and calmly, I explained the situation to them.
“It should be me.” Taro said in an instant.
“No! There has to be a way… there has to be a way…” The younger brother shook his head. I could tell he was trying to hold in the tears that had been welling up since I started talking, and I wanted so badly to tell him I was right there with him.
Yuto’s journal told me the feelings my body was trying so hard to reconcile, guilt, failure, helplessness… all of it came to me and it was too much…
“Yuto… what do I do…?”
And that was it… Yuto… Yuto’s research….
“It’s Yuto’s research…. That’s the answer…” I whispered, my eyes widened as I recalled the last parts of his papers. He had been researching techniques for this….
“K-Keito… Yuto’s research… the paper on advanced trauma… do you remember it?”
“I’ve only seen it when he was writing it, it was writing it on this….. ho-how do you know about it…”
“I-I found it online, it was nearly finished…” I made something up quickly.
“It’s risky though, if we don't do this correctly, we could lose both of them….”
“I don't want to do it….”
Keito and I turned to see the older twin, Taro, holding his brother in his arms. He stretched his arms awkwardly trying to hold the younger boy.
“I don't want… to risk it, I want Jiro to live, and I want to give my life to do it. Do you understand?”
“Taro.. Taro…..no…”
“Just… let me do it….. Jiro… just let me do it….just let me do it…”
“Please… just let me help you, let me help you both… there’s a chance that you can both live… there’s a chance……”
“There’s a chance….. that Jiro could die…”
“Nii-Chan…”
“The decision has been made… it’ll be me… and you have to save Jiro… you don't need to wait for our parents to come, it’ll be me.”
I stood there, shocked by these two brothers. It was then that something surprising happened.
The younger brother, Jiro who was resting in his older brother’s arms whispered something, and in a flash he had gripped the bed, and pulled himself back, pulling the pole out of him blood gushed out from him and Taro screamed.
“GET HIM ON A CART!” Keito shouted and I darted over as the nurses put the boy with the giant hole in him on a cart.
The pure carnage that greeted my eyes, he wasn't going to make it if I didn't…
“I’m sorry Keito…” I whispered, and I could feel his gaze upon me as I set to work, using all the techniques Yuto had developed, all that the tapes had taught me. Moments later, I had stabilized the bleeding, covered the area with an endless amount of gauze and a bandage the size of my head.
The moment I finished, I turned around to find Taro passed out from the movement, of the pole.
“We just got him anesthetized, we need to begin now, his body is already going through enough trauma.” Keito called.
While he was tending to the boy’s vitals, I began my incision, moving around the pole and slowly trying to ease it out of him. The enormous amount of blood that swarmed onto the table made me shudder. I patched up one of the wounds, trying hard to contain the bleeding, when that was finally done, the small blood covered pieces of plastic began to make their way out on the end of my tweezers, small gel applications and stitches to repair the damage followed. Taro would be okay… for now…
I closed up the body cavity, my stitches tight and neat like I’d been practicing, and when it was all over, I stepped back.
The entire room fell quiet and I felt their eyes burning into me.
“That was… amazing….Doctor….” One of the nurses finally spoke, and I heard the resounding applause that filled the room.
“Where did you learn such techniques?” One of the other nurses asked
“Uh…I… just…”
“He learned it from Yuto-kun of course… don't you recognize the stitching?” Miki chirped, pushing away the carts and wheeling the boys to the far end of the room to be taken to recovery.
I was horrified that I had forgotten my control and done something as simple as stitching using Yuto’s techniques, now Keito would surely know….that I’ve been poking my nose where I shouldn't…
“Keito!?” I turned around, looking over the room desperately trying to find him. He wasn't in the room anymore, and no one saw him leave.
In a hurry I ran to the cardiology office to find the door open and the single lamp on his desk on. He sat there in the middle of everything, staring at the picture frame in his hands. Now wasn't the time to talk to him, not after what I’ve done..
“Ryutaro,” I froze before I took my first step. I poked my head into the office again.
“Come sit down,”
“K-Keito I’m sorry! I really am! I didn't mean to snoop around and find those tapes, I didn't mean to!”
“It’s okay…. I just want you to tell me, where you got those tapes, where you read his research… how you learned to do… what you did in there.”
I told him about how I’d stumbled across the box in the closet of the room, and I told him about how I’d taken a look at the tapes, and read the papers in the box. Somehow though, a piece of me couldn't bear to tell him about the journal. Yuto was so sad in that journal, and that wasn't the way I wanted Keito to remember him.
“You’re just like him…” Keito said again
“What do you mean?”
“You’re just like him… really. He was a genius, Brilliant at his job, his research. Flawless in his technique and instinct, everything about him… “ Keito grinned and turned to face me.
“You see, I wasn’t the best in my class like he was, I didn't have the instinct to just….. know what to do. I studied so hard, I practiced and I worked myself to the bone to become what I am today, and even then I couldn't understand the things he did. You thought, you understood it all from watching a few videos. I’m proud of you Ryutaro, get some rest, tomorrow I’m sure you’re going to be a celebrity around here…” Keito grinned, patting me on the back and sending me on my way.
“Oh and Ryutaro?”
I looked at my mentor who stood back at his desk, the picture p in his hands.
“Yuto’s grateful you redeemed him….and so am I.”
I bowed and closed the door of the office behind me. I had promised myself I’d never make him think about Yuto again, and I broke that promise. I didn't want him to feel that…sadness, but I still did it….
Instead of going home, I went in to check on the brothers. The little brother was just now coming out from anesthesia, he would be in pain, but at least he was alive.
“Hey Jiro-kun,”
“Mnnh… my head…”
“That’s the drugs wearing off, it’ll get less foggy in a bit when you fully wake up.”
“T-Taro!? I-If I’m alive that means…”
I shook my head, trying to calm him down.
“Taro-kun is doing okay, he’s doing okay. But right now I’m a little more worried about you… what made you do something like that? Don't you know you could have been killed?”
I knew… and I knew that if I died… he could live….”
“Jiro…..”
“Taro-kun? How are you feeling? Are you okay?” I went over to his bed, checking on the bandages and his chart.
“My chest… it hurts…” He complained.
“Well… you had a hole in you…. So I’m not surprised… but it looks like everything is well taken care of…” I smiled my doctor smile and nodded to the both of them.
My small home never felt so alien now, I had been spending so many nights at Keito’s now, a stack of mail greeted me. Somewhere between a bill for my electricity, and an advertisement for my child’s education I fell asleep on the couch. I felt the distinct need to move myself upstairs to my bedroom, but laziness won and I was so grateful for the blanket I kept beside the couch for just such an occasion.
Around three in the morning, my cellphone rang, my beeper rang and I woke up startled. My eyes were blurry and couldn't focus on the words.
The messages on my phone made my heart skip a beat and I ran out the door, not even bothering to turn off the TV that had serenaded me to sleep, or the lights that watched over me.
By the time I got there, it was too late….
Taro sat up in his bed, his eyes red and bloodshot. Someone had pushed their beds together and removed the guard railing. The two brothers sat there, Jiro laying in his older brother’s arms, he was lifeless, and his eyes were closed. There was a soft smile on his face, one that was so bittersweet to me….
“There was a complication during his recovery… “ Keito said, appearing next to me
“W-What… happened?”
“When Jiro-kun moved himself off the pole, he chipped off a part of his ribs, it seems that when he laid back and his adrenaline wore off as well as the drugs we gave him wore off, he relaxed, and the bone chip dug into his lung, and…. By the time we got here…. It was too late….”
“I-I should have checked it… I should have checked everything….I did this….”
“Ryutaro, no… you couldn't have known, and we wouldn't have had the time to perform X-rays, we had to tend to Taro remember? It’s not your fault… it’s not your fault….”
Even if Keito had said that to me a thousand times, it wouldn't have mattered.
I ran outside the room, and not even seven steps later my knees gave out and I fell against the wall. It was too much….. it was just too much….. The look on Taro’s eyes, the smile that should have been on Jiro’s, it all came to me, it all welled up inside and… I had to let it out….
I cried and cried and I couldn't stop….I couldn’t stop at all…
“Ryutaro… it’s not your fault….. you can’t always save everyone… that’s not what we do…”
Keito sat with me, waiting for me to calm down…
“Ryutaro… being a doctor, is…. Well…. It’s just that we do what we can… to save who we can, but you have to know, that not everyone can be saved. Sometimes it’s their time to go… and we cant do anything to stop it. If the world were perfect, and if doctors were perfect, no one would die… It’s okay Ryutaro… to cry after losing your first patient, but you can’t let it destroy you like this… “
“I…I…cant stop… I cant…” My own voice sounded shattered between gasps and heaves. I felt like such a baby, crying, just crying,
For the next half hour, I sobbed uncontrollably into Keito’s shoulder, and for the next half hour after that… I said my goodbyes to Jiro.
When I got home that night, my bed was the only thing on my mind, I didnt want to deal with the reality of the world anymore….. and I didn't want to deal with my failure… the same failure that if I wasn't strong enough to handle, would destroy me like it did Yuto.
For now though, I’d had enough, and sleep was my only escape… until tomorrow, I wouldn't have to face the misery that surrounded me and the death of my patient.