Kagayaki Days - Part 4
Author: emmachase
Requested by: No One
Title: Kagayaki Days - Part 4
Rating: PG
Genre: ???
Pairing: OkaJimaTaro
Summary: Ryutaro joins Kagayaki hospital as one of its new cardiology interns, when he discovers theres more to Dr. Okamoto than it seems...
Notes: I'm so nervous about this one... it's been such a long time since i've written anything so this one is a test of my skills!
It’s white.
It’s so white.
Everything’s becoming blurry now… but it’s still so white.
I hate laying here, staring up at the white ceiling above my bed. I’ve been awake for two hours now, I watched as the blinds to the outside world turned from darkness to a bright orange. Through all this I couldn't stop crying. The tears kept coming, and I couldn't stop them, and I was tired of trying.
Dragging myself out of bed, I pulled up enough courage to go into the hospital. My desk was empty though, and when I looked at the board assignments, my column was empty.
“Go home Ryu-chan… “ Keito said, sitting down at his desk.
“B-But Im fine.”
“Are you really? Is that why you came in an hour late? Is that why your eyes are all red and puffy?”
“I-“
He was right, I wasn't… fine. But I have to keep working, this was all I knew, to work, to try and make a difference.
I didn't want to go home to lay down again, and I settled for walking around the hospital, watching as patients were treated. Then I came to his room. He was staring out the window at the small park just outside the hospital grounds.
“Taro-kun…”
He turned to look at me, and I almost recoiled in surprise. His eyes were empty now, dull and lacking.
“Taro-kun…”
“Dr. Morimoto”
He looked at me, and turned back to look at the world beyond his window. There wasn't anything more to say really…
“A-are you okay? How are you feeling today?” I asked, trying to sound as if I were merely checking up on him. I even went through the motions of going through his chart, noting that he had a slight increase in temperature, signs of a small infection.
“Just a little hot… but the nurse said that’s normal.” He said absentmindedly
“That just means there’s a small infection, but the antibiotics we’re giving you seem to already be taking care of that.” I smiled my doctor smile again, but he didn't notice, and it was pointless for me to keep up this façade.
“Taro-kun, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be mad, to be…. Well.. it’s okay to feel anything right now. Anything… except guilty.” He turned to look at me now.
“It’s my fault… Im his older brother… even if its by a few minutes, I should have taken responsibility, and it’s my fault… My parents came last night and they told me to same thing, but I know differently!”
Sighing I went to the door and shut it. This was nothing anyone else needed to hear.
“It’s my fault… it’s my fault… I should have… found the bone shard… “ I said, sitting at the boy’s bedside. If the hospital’s lawyers could hear me now.. I’d bet they’d be reeling, but right now, I didn't care.
“I shouldn't have brought him… he didn't even want to go… but I made him… “
“It’s not your fault…and you shouldn’t feel that way… instead, why don't you think about.. how brave Jiro-kun was? How much he loved your, how much he wanted you to live….”
He stayed quiet at that point, and though his fingers fidgeted with the bedsheets then, I knew he was thinking about it. I wish I had that kind of comfort, and while I may have convinced my patient that he wasn't at fault, I wasn’t great at convincing myself… But he didn't need to know that, and I held my sanity until I got out of the room.
There wasn't anything else in the hospital for me to do, Keito had reassigned my patients to my other colleagues, all of which were more than happy to show off how many patients they could handle at once. The nurses were told not to let me assist and apparently told to tell me to go home.
“He’s just worried about you Ryu-Chan…” Miki said, taking a chart from my hands and setting it down.
“I’m fine… I’m really fine Miki… but”
“But nothing, just go home… trust me you’ll have more than enough time in this hospital, just…. not today.” She nodded as another nurse waved her over, leaving me standing awkwardly at the nurses station.
Even though I was relieved from my duties, I still didn't want to go home, and I settled for the small room that by some luck, remained unfilled. Yuto’s journal sat in my lap and I sighed, pressing myself against the wall in my little corner and I opened the pages.
His handwriting was trembling now, and I felt my heart stand still as I read the first sentence.
Keito’s been shot.
I froze, just last week I had read as Yuto narrated about a patient whom he had traded laughs with, a patient who had brought him expensive caviar as a way of thanking him, and now… this. It seemed… unreal.
A patient’s son came to the hospital today, he was looking for the chief of medicine, but instead, he found us. He walked through the halls calmly, until he stopped in the middle of the lobby and shot three nurses. My beeper went off and I nearly dropped it when it read “Code Black”. I was… terrified. Keito grabbed me and Miki and threw us both into one of the small janitor closets, telling us to stay there until he could get help. But I couldn’t do it…
I stood in that closet with Miki for over an hour, wincing as we heard every little sound that could possibly be a gunshot. Keito had been gone for an hour… and I couldn't stand being in that room any longer. I ran to my patients and found one of them, little Ryuta crying. I winced as my feet stepped in something wet and crimson, the body of one of the nurses lay on the ground, her body pale from blood loss. I shut the door and ran to get the gauze and packs, she was alive still, but barely. I held the wound with my hands, packing until the blood flow stopped. She was lucky, the bullet went clear through her and didn't hit anything major. I remember telling Ryuta not be brave, and stay in the room to take care of her when she woke up. But that was all I could do. Getting her to surgery to do a more thorough exam didn't seem realistic at that point.
I ran outside now, baring Ryuta’s room with a cart, and I tried my best to find Keito. There was no one in the halls, all the patient rooms were shut and on lockdown. Ryuta’s must have been the one he was in at the time….
I remember shaking as I walked down the halls, any wrong turn and I could bump into him….when I turned down the hall to the cardiology office, Keito appeared in the door way and grabbed me, pulling me into the room and locking the door behind us. He pushed me behind his dsek and under it, hiding us from the window’s view.
He yelled at me for not staying put, but I didn't care. I was… so scared.. He knew that though, and so was he…. I watched as he called the police on his phone, and when he hung up, he hugged me.
He told me… not to be scared, that it would be okay, that he would protect me. But it didn't help… I held on to him but I couldn’t stop shaking. Just then a loud bang appeared and we cringed as a scream came and the loud clunk of one of the patient room doors slammed shut. One of the lights on the patient call board lit up on the screen in the office and Keito reached up to silence the beeper. Whenever patients called for help, the office and nurses station received the call and we didn't want to risk scaring the gunman anymore than we had to.
Keito looked at the page, it was Ms. Hanako Kawashima in room 331, just down the hall… he wanted to go to her but I wouldn't let him go. I begged for him to stay, but he said he needed to go check on her. Instead, he pulled me to the door and when he peeked outside, pulled me down the hall into the room. Dr. Kusanagi lay on the ground, a quickly spreading blood pool forming below him. She was going crazy, sobbing into her hands and while I tended to her, Keito tried his best to save him. I packed the wound, and managed to stop the bleeding, he’d live for now, but with what little blood was circulating in his body, it wouldn’t be easy.
He had lost so much blood, and needed a transfusion, but the blood bank was on the other side of this floor….and like I knew he would, Keito wanted to go. He went to the door and when I ran to him he pushed me back into the room, and I heard footsteps and froze.
The gunman, was here.
Keito tried to talk to him, but I heard the teen’s voice only. He was furious, mad that the hospital had sent his mother home to die, mad that the doctors in the hospital were useless… I quaked as I stood up quietly, hiding against the wall next to the door. I saw between the door and the door frame, Keito standing there, his hands up in the air. And just as I looked at him I heard the bang of the gun and the sounds of Keito landing on the floor. His eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life. The way his eyes met mine, he pleaded with me to hide, but I couldn't. I pressed myself tighter against the wall, hoping that the gunman wouldn't see. I heard his footsteps fade away as he went on his search again.
There was no exit wound… the bullet was still in him.. and he wasn't breathing normally anymore. He was getting weaker and no matter what I didn't I couldn’t stop the bleeding. My only choice to save him was to get him to surgery… two floors down. Even as I’m writing this, I didnt know how we did it. I remember us hobbling down the stairs, Keito almost passing out a few times, and there was so much blood. As soon as we reached one of the OR rooms, he passed out and I somehow managed to throw him onto one of the tables. My short tenure in anesthesiology had just barely taught me how to put someone under for a procedure, but for now, it would have to do.
I cut Keito open… the bullet had softened and lodged in the AV node, his heart wasn't contracting normally anymore, and removing the bullet would cause a massive bleed out I couldn't handle… but I didn't have any other choice…. Not removing the bullet would have kept the heart beating irregularly, removing it would kill him…. I had to try though didn't I? Even if it was stupid and reckless to do it by myself, I had to do it…
Halfway through one of the nurses wandering the halls looking for someone found me and after she barricaded the door I thanked god I had an extra pair of hands to help.
I don't remember what I did anymore…. My hands were covered with blood and his chest lay open in front of me, I remember removing the bullet and stitching slowly and I made sure not to send the needle any deeper than I had to. For the few moments after… I froze…. And I listened for what was the longest minute of my life, as his heart came off the machine and the sounds of its first beat came. I closed him up, using z-plasty to make sure there would be no memory of this on his body. And after that…. I don't remember. The nurse told me, I collapsed on the operating floor as soon as I finished.
My memory after that, starts again with Keito staring at me across our little private room. Apparently, Miki had pulled strings to have us put together. While she said it was big deal, I’m betting it probably wasn't….but I’m grateful to her anyway.
I told Keito that I collapsed because I was just stressed and scared, but I know better now, my heart is getting worse.
At any moment I could collapse again.
I’m scared.
The entry ended so abruptly and I jumped when a loud bang came from the hallway outside.
I ran outside to see a nurse running hurriedly into an elevator, picking up a bunch of files on the way.
“Ryutaro, didn't I tell you to go home?” Keito’s head stuck out from one the rooms,
“Uh…”
“Just go home!” He called before being pulled into the patient room.
Unfortunately for me, there wasn't anything else to do in the entire hospital, so many square feet of hospital, and not a single nurse would let me do anything. Clearly Miki and Keito have a lot more pull than they let on….
The morning air felt bittersweet when I walked out of the hospital. Clear skies and open air didn't compare to what I felt in the hospital. Sitting at home didn't feel as comfortable as sitting in that cardiology lounge. I always liked my house, it was small, it was simple, it was clean, but just at this moment, it felt… empty. I never bought anything to make it a home. I never bought anything to make it personal or anything to make it… my own.
Twelve different stores later I had bought enough to decorate a space three times my house and then some, apparently decorating took me the greater part of the day, because as soon as I finished placing the last vase Keito appeared at my door, carrying a bag of pasta from the little Italian place a few blocks from here.
“Is… all of this… new?” He asked, pointing to one of the decorations and then nodding to the bags.
“Yeah…. As of today…” I nodded, folding the new cashmere throw I’d bought for my couch.
“How…. can you afford al this on an intern’s salary?”
“Uh…. My… parents….are….rich…” I said slowly
“What?”
“It’s money they set aside for me, money I said I’d never touch… but…”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn't want to use my parents money, I got myself loans I got myself jobs to get through medical school, but today… I just…. it suddenly came to me you know?”
“Ryutaro.. listen to yourself……”
“I-I am! It just, it hit me today, I never…”
“lived?”
I stared at Keito now. That wasn't what I meant to say, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to deny what he said.
“Ryutaro, listen, it’s common to feel this way, especially when you see a patient that young die, you begin to look at the things in your life that you didn't do, or the things you’ve always wanted to do but never had time for…. But Ryutaro, these impulses you’re feeling now, they’ll fade, and when they’re gone, you’re going to be left with everything they caused. I’ve seen people go bankrupt because they suddenly felt life was too short…. I told you to go home today because I didn't want to around the hospital for today, to be around… death. But I wanted you to go home and clear your mind, not get wrapped up in it all…..”
He was right…. I had spent well over anything I thought a house would be worth, and it was only because… I thought I’d never have a chance to own something like it ever again.
“You cant let everything you see in the hospital effect you… “ He smiled and opened up the food he’d brought. A light dinner of a miso dressed salad with a few slices of grilled chicken later I was laying on my bed and Keito was somewhere downstairs putting up the dishes. My ceiling stared back at me again, somehow daunting and yet somehow boring all at the same time.
---
The next day, I woke up to my alarm for the first time in a while, downstairs, I found a note from Keito telling me that breakfast was in the fridge. He had prepared some baked salmon and miso soup that just needed to be heated up.
It was delicious…. Much better than the cold bit of rice I’d usually have…. But as I ate it, I sat at the table wondering, is this how Yuto felt when they were dating? Somehow the thought of it made me tingle, and I quickly shook it off. It… had to be that whole,,, seeing death thing right? I couldn't really feel this way… it’s not right…
Meanwhile, the nurses at the hospital seemed to be a bit more welcoming today, they let me do my check ups and my patient charts with relatively little trouble. Sitting in the cardiology office, Miki walked in to drop off all the paperwork Keito had to complete.
“And tell him he has to finish it all by the end of the day okay Ryuu-Chan?” She said, slamming the pile on the desk.
“How come you aren’t nicer today…” I scowled slightly
“Oh…. Pft, the other nurses are just being nice because the second semester interns are coming in today, if you’re good little Ryutaro, you may get an intern assigned to you!” She said the last part a bit more condescendingly patting me on the head.
“E-Eh!? What?”
“Well, with them coming in, you are the senior intern, so… you get one!” She smiled, no doubt laughing at my panic.
How on earth was I supposed to be a mentor when I could barely handle myself these days…?
“Oh Ryutaro… I haven’t seen you all day today…” Keito walked in, plopping into his desk chair.
“A-Ah… thank you for the breakfast.” I bowed quickly.
“No problem. Ah! Paperwork…. Being head of cardiology comes with its downsides too…..” He sighed, seeing the enormous stack left for him.
“T-There’s a rumor going around that… there are new interns coming in today?” While I thought I had slipped that in rather smoothly, in hindsight it may have been a little too sudden.
“Oh yes, don't worry though, since this is the first year that we’re doing interns this way, it’s all very experimental. And if we like the program this way, from here on we’ll have interns come in on a semester basis, so fine young doctors like yourself will always have a mentor when they come on staff.” Keito explained, and personally, I thought having a mentor during my year would have been SO much more helpful but…
“And don't worry, I’ve already decided who gets who, there’s a perfect amount of interns this year for everyone to have their own….” Keito smiled, handing me a file.
“Chinen Yuri.” I read aloud. Top of his class with honors in research. His resume looked just like mine….
“Chinen-kun shows great promise, and from what I hear, he has a perfect photographic memory.” Keito sighed, signing another few pages.
“B-But Keito… I-I don't feel ready to be…. You know, mentoring someone…”
“Oh well….. this must be serious then… you didn't even call me Doctor Okamoto…” He smirked before standing up.
“You’ll be fine Ryutaro, I wouldn’t have assigned one to you if I didn't think you could handle it. Besides, you’ve already shown incredible talent, you’ve done your first solo surgery and passed with flying colors, and I know that you can only improve from here.”
I wish I shared his confidence, but it didn't seem like there was anything I could do about this anyway…..
I watched as the other interns of my year came in parading their own interns as if they were trophies, testaments to how good their skills were. But as long as I waited, not a single person came up to me to introduce himself.
“I wonder where he is…”
Fortunately for me, I didn't have much time to think about it as the next broadcast over the speakers signaled the arrival of mass traumas following a five car pile up.
“All available staff, please report to the ambulance bay to receive.” I wondered how the nurse or the administrator that made these announcements never sounded panicked, but I suppose when you’ve been doing this for so long, everything like this becomes rather dull.
Waiting outside for the sirens and flashing lights to come was a strange feeling when I first got here, it was almost as if I was awaiting tragedy, but now, if the pavement could talk I think it would tell me to get off it before I leave my own permanent imprint.
“Dr. Morimoto.” One of the other nurses nodded to me, indicating that we had received our patient. He was a young man, in his early thirties. His injuries were nothing serious, a few dressings and wraps and he would be okay. He was lucky he ran into the stopped cars on his bike after the crashes.
“Ryuu-chan!” Miki called as I finished signing the discharge forms for my patient. I saw a crowd of people around her and dashed to take my spot. Keito sat arm deep inside a man’s gut. His entire triage gown covered with blood.
“Severe injuries and loss of blood, he was in the middle car that got slammed into… three times.” The paramedic repeated.
I gasped as the enormous shards of glass came into view when the light hit at just the right angle. Removing these would be slow work… even for someone of Keito’s skill. The smallest movement in the wrong direction could make matters drastically worse.
“Slowly now… Ryutaro.” Keito warned as he twisted his forceps to untangle a particularly large shard embedded near the lung.
“I-I can help.” Said another doctor, just now arriving, taking the final position around the chest. I watched my own hands carefully, making sure not to accidentally slash the arteries that were intact. At the same time, I watched the other two pairs of hands working. Keito’s hands were fast and deliberate. They moved with precision, twisting and turning the forceps and you could hear each clink as the shards landed on the collecting dish. The other pair moved gently, slowly and more cautiously, they almost teased and lured the glass out. Who was this guy?
“When you’ve finished removing the shard, close him up, you should be able to handle this from here.” Keito stripped off his gloves and nodded to me.
A few minutes later I closed the patient up, sighing as the ER seemed to have calmed down now.
“Your technique is amazing..” the other figure opposite me applauded and I bowed.
“Ah… incidentally, do you know a Dr. Ryutaro Morimoto?”
I stared at him blankly
“U-Uh, y-yes? I’m Dr. Morimotio…”
“A-Ahh! I’m Sorry!” He bowed immediately
“Do… I know you?”
“M-My name is Chinen, Chinen Yuri, I was supposed to be in your office earlier but I was late and when I got there the nurse told me you were in the ER.”
I stared at him as he bowed and went through the usual greetings. This, was my intern…
Going through the usual routines with him the first day was a little strange. I wasn’t used to having someone follow behind me, asking me why I did this dressing this way or why I stitched it that way. He was very eager to learn, and I was a nervous teacher. The patients seemed to love him, many of the older patients said he reminded them of their grandson, and he would only smile as he called them “Grandpa” or “Grandma” in the tone only children know.
With rounds over, I retired to the cardiology office with Yuri falling close behind.
“Ryutaro, how did your first set of rounds go?” Keito asked as I walked in, he was finishing up the giant pile of papers still.
“This is… Dr. Okamoto, the head of our department.” I explained, plopping down on the couch.
“N-Nice to meet you!” I couldn’t help but grin as I watched a nervous intern bow like I had just months before.
“Don’t let Ryutaro mislead you, he may be nervous, but he’s a good doctor. I’m sure you’ll learn much from him.” Keito grinned, setting his pen in his coat pocket and leaving the office.
Thankfully the rest of the day flew by without many complications, small injuries came in and most cases that came in today weren’t emergent. Chinen though, was quick to learn as I watched him instantly diagnose almost every patient that came through the cardio ward’s walls. At the end of the day I tossed my coat into the laundry basket, keeping only my badge to take home with me.
“Dr. Morimoto, can…. We go out to dinner together?” Chinen asked, throwing his scrubs into the same basket, having just changed into his regular clothes. He looked so young like this…
“If you’d like…” I answered, I had wanted to go to Keito’s again he hadn’t spoken to me the whole day, and I’d barely seen him.
Dinner at a small café just three streets down from the hospital was… peaceful, and at the same time trying. Yuri told of his days in med school, how his memory was a gift, but at the same time one of the things that made him feel insecure.
“… I mean I always wonder if I didn't have this, would I really be a doctor, do I have the skill?” He said while whipping up a fork of pasta. He looked to me for an answer, but I had none…
“Your memory is part of who you are, you don't need to wonder if you have the skill, you have it. Isnt that enough?” I asked, and he nodded.
We parted ways after dinner and I was again faced with the debate of going to Keito’s or going home. I couldn’t help myself….
“Ryutaro! W-What are you doing here at this time of night?” Keito asked, opening the door.
“I.. just… uh.. I was in the neighborhood…” I lied
“At 8:30 at night?”
“Y-Yeah uh… I had a friend who lived near here.” I lied again.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I was dropping off something I borrowed.” And again, this was getting out of hand..
“Well come in..” He said, moving aside to let me in. I could smell incense in the air and while he went to the kitchen to make tea, I sat in his living room and noticed a small cabinet in the corner that I had never noticed before. It was open now, and a small wisp of smoke came from it, and I recognized it immediately as the source of the smell. I walked toward it to find a small altar, with Yuto’s picture in the middle. He had been praying…
I knelt down on the small pillow on the ground, and closed my eyes as I prayed. I could see Yuto in my mind, but he wouldn't talk to me… he only smiled and nodded and when he did I almost fell over.
“Yuto appreciates it…” Keito smiled as he set down the tray of tea.
“Do you… talk to him often?” I asked
“Sometimes… sometimes he comes to me in a dream, and sometimes I find him here…”
“What does he say?”
“Oh many things… he tells me that I should be happy….he tells me that he’s happy… and that’s all I could pray for. Sometimes I wish I could touch him again… but… well…” Keito smiled sadly, as I sat down on the couch.
I blushed seeing the way he stared at me, and quickly drowned myself in the cup of fragrant green tea in my hand.
“You still remind me of him…” He said smiling softly.
“I-I do?”
“You’re still nervous Ryutaro… and that’s okay, so was he, but in time you’ll get over it.”
“I-I just..”
“You’re afraid that you’ll mess something up?”:
“Y-Yeah…”
Keito smiled a bit, but he said nothing after that, a small pat on my back and he turned back to the kitchen.
“Would you like something to eat as well?”
“N-No! U-Um… it’s okay…”
“Calm down Ryutaro, it’s okay… I wont poison you,… the hospital frowns upon things like poisoning interns.” My mentor said flatly and he smiled as he offered me a piece of cake.
“It’s Yuto’s favorite, I keep the recipe, and I make it for him every holiday, though, to be honest I think I eat more of it than he does. Save me from myself “ Keito chuckled as he set a slice in front of me.
As I ate I was silent, watching Keito as he finished the last bit of his message to Yuto. It was with such love that I saw him rise from his knees and gently place the pillow on the floor against the small table that served as the shrine, and he smiled as he closed the two small doors that concealed it from view.,
“Well.. it’s late Ryutaro, why don't you just stay here tonight, and we’ll go in together tomorrow morning?” Just as he spoke these words, my heart skipped a beat but then jumped into overdrive all at once, these were the words that I had been hoping to hear. Even if it was in another room, I would be near him… and that’s all I could think about at the moment.
---
The next morning was a noisy one, the office in the cardiology wing seemed to be more crowded than usual, with the new interns joining the fray, the small office just didn't seem large enough anymore. My intern in particular seemed a bit overly peppy for the morning.
“Good morning Dr. Morimoto!” Chinen chirped and I nodded to him as he handed me a cup of coffee.
“Miki-san told me that you liked it this way, is… it okay?” He asked sheepishly, and again I nodded.
“Just call me Ryutaro, I’m not too far from your age that you have to be throwing titles around.” I said, setting the cup down and spreading out the day’s charts. All were patients that I would have to personally visit.
“Ryu-Chan! Good news! There’s a surgery waiting for you and Keito today at three! Bentall Surgery, are you up for it!?”
“Bentall prodedure, first done in 1968 by Hugh Bentall, entails the replacement of the Arotic root, valve and ascending aorta.” Chinen recited.
“That photographic memory really is amazing isn’t it Ryu-chan?” Miki’s eyes widened and I nodded to the both of them.
“You know, you don't have to recite everything,, I wont quiz you, I just want you to learn. If you have any questions, ask them, and when we get to the end of everything, I’ll go over it once for you. Okay?” I asked, trying not to make my new intern feel pressured.
“Yes s-sir..uh! Doctor Morimo- I mean… Ryutaro.” He said quickly. Stumbling a bit on his words Chinen quickly looked down at his feet.
I wanted to laugh a bit at that moment, but… of course being someone’s teacher now, that hardly seemed the time. I stifled my laugh and picked up the charts. Looks like having an intern may be interesting after all……
“Let’s go.”
Requested by: No One
Title: Kagayaki Days - Part 4
Rating: PG
Genre: ???
Pairing: OkaJimaTaro
Summary: Ryutaro joins Kagayaki hospital as one of its new cardiology interns, when he discovers theres more to Dr. Okamoto than it seems...
Notes: I'm so nervous about this one... it's been such a long time since i've written anything so this one is a test of my skills!
It’s white.
It’s so white.
Everything’s becoming blurry now… but it’s still so white.
I hate laying here, staring up at the white ceiling above my bed. I’ve been awake for two hours now, I watched as the blinds to the outside world turned from darkness to a bright orange. Through all this I couldn't stop crying. The tears kept coming, and I couldn't stop them, and I was tired of trying.
Dragging myself out of bed, I pulled up enough courage to go into the hospital. My desk was empty though, and when I looked at the board assignments, my column was empty.
“Go home Ryu-chan… “ Keito said, sitting down at his desk.
“B-But Im fine.”
“Are you really? Is that why you came in an hour late? Is that why your eyes are all red and puffy?”
“I-“
He was right, I wasn't… fine. But I have to keep working, this was all I knew, to work, to try and make a difference.
I didn't want to go home to lay down again, and I settled for walking around the hospital, watching as patients were treated. Then I came to his room. He was staring out the window at the small park just outside the hospital grounds.
“Taro-kun…”
He turned to look at me, and I almost recoiled in surprise. His eyes were empty now, dull and lacking.
“Taro-kun…”
“Dr. Morimoto”
He looked at me, and turned back to look at the world beyond his window. There wasn't anything more to say really…
“A-are you okay? How are you feeling today?” I asked, trying to sound as if I were merely checking up on him. I even went through the motions of going through his chart, noting that he had a slight increase in temperature, signs of a small infection.
“Just a little hot… but the nurse said that’s normal.” He said absentmindedly
“That just means there’s a small infection, but the antibiotics we’re giving you seem to already be taking care of that.” I smiled my doctor smile again, but he didn't notice, and it was pointless for me to keep up this façade.
“Taro-kun, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be mad, to be…. Well.. it’s okay to feel anything right now. Anything… except guilty.” He turned to look at me now.
“It’s my fault… Im his older brother… even if its by a few minutes, I should have taken responsibility, and it’s my fault… My parents came last night and they told me to same thing, but I know differently!”
Sighing I went to the door and shut it. This was nothing anyone else needed to hear.
“It’s my fault… it’s my fault… I should have… found the bone shard… “ I said, sitting at the boy’s bedside. If the hospital’s lawyers could hear me now.. I’d bet they’d be reeling, but right now, I didn't care.
“I shouldn't have brought him… he didn't even want to go… but I made him… “
“It’s not your fault…and you shouldn’t feel that way… instead, why don't you think about.. how brave Jiro-kun was? How much he loved your, how much he wanted you to live….”
He stayed quiet at that point, and though his fingers fidgeted with the bedsheets then, I knew he was thinking about it. I wish I had that kind of comfort, and while I may have convinced my patient that he wasn't at fault, I wasn’t great at convincing myself… But he didn't need to know that, and I held my sanity until I got out of the room.
There wasn't anything else in the hospital for me to do, Keito had reassigned my patients to my other colleagues, all of which were more than happy to show off how many patients they could handle at once. The nurses were told not to let me assist and apparently told to tell me to go home.
“He’s just worried about you Ryu-Chan…” Miki said, taking a chart from my hands and setting it down.
“I’m fine… I’m really fine Miki… but”
“But nothing, just go home… trust me you’ll have more than enough time in this hospital, just…. not today.” She nodded as another nurse waved her over, leaving me standing awkwardly at the nurses station.
Even though I was relieved from my duties, I still didn't want to go home, and I settled for the small room that by some luck, remained unfilled. Yuto’s journal sat in my lap and I sighed, pressing myself against the wall in my little corner and I opened the pages.
His handwriting was trembling now, and I felt my heart stand still as I read the first sentence.
Keito’s been shot.
I froze, just last week I had read as Yuto narrated about a patient whom he had traded laughs with, a patient who had brought him expensive caviar as a way of thanking him, and now… this. It seemed… unreal.
A patient’s son came to the hospital today, he was looking for the chief of medicine, but instead, he found us. He walked through the halls calmly, until he stopped in the middle of the lobby and shot three nurses. My beeper went off and I nearly dropped it when it read “Code Black”. I was… terrified. Keito grabbed me and Miki and threw us both into one of the small janitor closets, telling us to stay there until he could get help. But I couldn’t do it…
I stood in that closet with Miki for over an hour, wincing as we heard every little sound that could possibly be a gunshot. Keito had been gone for an hour… and I couldn't stand being in that room any longer. I ran to my patients and found one of them, little Ryuta crying. I winced as my feet stepped in something wet and crimson, the body of one of the nurses lay on the ground, her body pale from blood loss. I shut the door and ran to get the gauze and packs, she was alive still, but barely. I held the wound with my hands, packing until the blood flow stopped. She was lucky, the bullet went clear through her and didn't hit anything major. I remember telling Ryuta not be brave, and stay in the room to take care of her when she woke up. But that was all I could do. Getting her to surgery to do a more thorough exam didn't seem realistic at that point.
I ran outside now, baring Ryuta’s room with a cart, and I tried my best to find Keito. There was no one in the halls, all the patient rooms were shut and on lockdown. Ryuta’s must have been the one he was in at the time….
I remember shaking as I walked down the halls, any wrong turn and I could bump into him….when I turned down the hall to the cardiology office, Keito appeared in the door way and grabbed me, pulling me into the room and locking the door behind us. He pushed me behind his dsek and under it, hiding us from the window’s view.
He yelled at me for not staying put, but I didn't care. I was… so scared.. He knew that though, and so was he…. I watched as he called the police on his phone, and when he hung up, he hugged me.
He told me… not to be scared, that it would be okay, that he would protect me. But it didn't help… I held on to him but I couldn’t stop shaking. Just then a loud bang appeared and we cringed as a scream came and the loud clunk of one of the patient room doors slammed shut. One of the lights on the patient call board lit up on the screen in the office and Keito reached up to silence the beeper. Whenever patients called for help, the office and nurses station received the call and we didn't want to risk scaring the gunman anymore than we had to.
Keito looked at the page, it was Ms. Hanako Kawashima in room 331, just down the hall… he wanted to go to her but I wouldn't let him go. I begged for him to stay, but he said he needed to go check on her. Instead, he pulled me to the door and when he peeked outside, pulled me down the hall into the room. Dr. Kusanagi lay on the ground, a quickly spreading blood pool forming below him. She was going crazy, sobbing into her hands and while I tended to her, Keito tried his best to save him. I packed the wound, and managed to stop the bleeding, he’d live for now, but with what little blood was circulating in his body, it wouldn’t be easy.
He had lost so much blood, and needed a transfusion, but the blood bank was on the other side of this floor….and like I knew he would, Keito wanted to go. He went to the door and when I ran to him he pushed me back into the room, and I heard footsteps and froze.
The gunman, was here.
Keito tried to talk to him, but I heard the teen’s voice only. He was furious, mad that the hospital had sent his mother home to die, mad that the doctors in the hospital were useless… I quaked as I stood up quietly, hiding against the wall next to the door. I saw between the door and the door frame, Keito standing there, his hands up in the air. And just as I looked at him I heard the bang of the gun and the sounds of Keito landing on the floor. His eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life. The way his eyes met mine, he pleaded with me to hide, but I couldn't. I pressed myself tighter against the wall, hoping that the gunman wouldn't see. I heard his footsteps fade away as he went on his search again.
There was no exit wound… the bullet was still in him.. and he wasn't breathing normally anymore. He was getting weaker and no matter what I didn't I couldn’t stop the bleeding. My only choice to save him was to get him to surgery… two floors down. Even as I’m writing this, I didnt know how we did it. I remember us hobbling down the stairs, Keito almost passing out a few times, and there was so much blood. As soon as we reached one of the OR rooms, he passed out and I somehow managed to throw him onto one of the tables. My short tenure in anesthesiology had just barely taught me how to put someone under for a procedure, but for now, it would have to do.
I cut Keito open… the bullet had softened and lodged in the AV node, his heart wasn't contracting normally anymore, and removing the bullet would cause a massive bleed out I couldn't handle… but I didn't have any other choice…. Not removing the bullet would have kept the heart beating irregularly, removing it would kill him…. I had to try though didn't I? Even if it was stupid and reckless to do it by myself, I had to do it…
Halfway through one of the nurses wandering the halls looking for someone found me and after she barricaded the door I thanked god I had an extra pair of hands to help.
I don't remember what I did anymore…. My hands were covered with blood and his chest lay open in front of me, I remember removing the bullet and stitching slowly and I made sure not to send the needle any deeper than I had to. For the few moments after… I froze…. And I listened for what was the longest minute of my life, as his heart came off the machine and the sounds of its first beat came. I closed him up, using z-plasty to make sure there would be no memory of this on his body. And after that…. I don't remember. The nurse told me, I collapsed on the operating floor as soon as I finished.
My memory after that, starts again with Keito staring at me across our little private room. Apparently, Miki had pulled strings to have us put together. While she said it was big deal, I’m betting it probably wasn't….but I’m grateful to her anyway.
I told Keito that I collapsed because I was just stressed and scared, but I know better now, my heart is getting worse.
At any moment I could collapse again.
I’m scared.
The entry ended so abruptly and I jumped when a loud bang came from the hallway outside.
I ran outside to see a nurse running hurriedly into an elevator, picking up a bunch of files on the way.
“Ryutaro, didn't I tell you to go home?” Keito’s head stuck out from one the rooms,
“Uh…”
“Just go home!” He called before being pulled into the patient room.
Unfortunately for me, there wasn't anything else to do in the entire hospital, so many square feet of hospital, and not a single nurse would let me do anything. Clearly Miki and Keito have a lot more pull than they let on….
The morning air felt bittersweet when I walked out of the hospital. Clear skies and open air didn't compare to what I felt in the hospital. Sitting at home didn't feel as comfortable as sitting in that cardiology lounge. I always liked my house, it was small, it was simple, it was clean, but just at this moment, it felt… empty. I never bought anything to make it a home. I never bought anything to make it personal or anything to make it… my own.
Twelve different stores later I had bought enough to decorate a space three times my house and then some, apparently decorating took me the greater part of the day, because as soon as I finished placing the last vase Keito appeared at my door, carrying a bag of pasta from the little Italian place a few blocks from here.
“Is… all of this… new?” He asked, pointing to one of the decorations and then nodding to the bags.
“Yeah…. As of today…” I nodded, folding the new cashmere throw I’d bought for my couch.
“How…. can you afford al this on an intern’s salary?”
“Uh…. My… parents….are….rich…” I said slowly
“What?”
“It’s money they set aside for me, money I said I’d never touch… but…”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn't want to use my parents money, I got myself loans I got myself jobs to get through medical school, but today… I just…. it suddenly came to me you know?”
“Ryutaro.. listen to yourself……”
“I-I am! It just, it hit me today, I never…”
“lived?”
I stared at Keito now. That wasn't what I meant to say, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to deny what he said.
“Ryutaro, listen, it’s common to feel this way, especially when you see a patient that young die, you begin to look at the things in your life that you didn't do, or the things you’ve always wanted to do but never had time for…. But Ryutaro, these impulses you’re feeling now, they’ll fade, and when they’re gone, you’re going to be left with everything they caused. I’ve seen people go bankrupt because they suddenly felt life was too short…. I told you to go home today because I didn't want to around the hospital for today, to be around… death. But I wanted you to go home and clear your mind, not get wrapped up in it all…..”
He was right…. I had spent well over anything I thought a house would be worth, and it was only because… I thought I’d never have a chance to own something like it ever again.
“You cant let everything you see in the hospital effect you… “ He smiled and opened up the food he’d brought. A light dinner of a miso dressed salad with a few slices of grilled chicken later I was laying on my bed and Keito was somewhere downstairs putting up the dishes. My ceiling stared back at me again, somehow daunting and yet somehow boring all at the same time.
---
The next day, I woke up to my alarm for the first time in a while, downstairs, I found a note from Keito telling me that breakfast was in the fridge. He had prepared some baked salmon and miso soup that just needed to be heated up.
It was delicious…. Much better than the cold bit of rice I’d usually have…. But as I ate it, I sat at the table wondering, is this how Yuto felt when they were dating? Somehow the thought of it made me tingle, and I quickly shook it off. It… had to be that whole,,, seeing death thing right? I couldn't really feel this way… it’s not right…
Meanwhile, the nurses at the hospital seemed to be a bit more welcoming today, they let me do my check ups and my patient charts with relatively little trouble. Sitting in the cardiology office, Miki walked in to drop off all the paperwork Keito had to complete.
“And tell him he has to finish it all by the end of the day okay Ryuu-Chan?” She said, slamming the pile on the desk.
“How come you aren’t nicer today…” I scowled slightly
“Oh…. Pft, the other nurses are just being nice because the second semester interns are coming in today, if you’re good little Ryutaro, you may get an intern assigned to you!” She said the last part a bit more condescendingly patting me on the head.
“E-Eh!? What?”
“Well, with them coming in, you are the senior intern, so… you get one!” She smiled, no doubt laughing at my panic.
How on earth was I supposed to be a mentor when I could barely handle myself these days…?
“Oh Ryutaro… I haven’t seen you all day today…” Keito walked in, plopping into his desk chair.
“A-Ah… thank you for the breakfast.” I bowed quickly.
“No problem. Ah! Paperwork…. Being head of cardiology comes with its downsides too…..” He sighed, seeing the enormous stack left for him.
“T-There’s a rumor going around that… there are new interns coming in today?” While I thought I had slipped that in rather smoothly, in hindsight it may have been a little too sudden.
“Oh yes, don't worry though, since this is the first year that we’re doing interns this way, it’s all very experimental. And if we like the program this way, from here on we’ll have interns come in on a semester basis, so fine young doctors like yourself will always have a mentor when they come on staff.” Keito explained, and personally, I thought having a mentor during my year would have been SO much more helpful but…
“And don't worry, I’ve already decided who gets who, there’s a perfect amount of interns this year for everyone to have their own….” Keito smiled, handing me a file.
“Chinen Yuri.” I read aloud. Top of his class with honors in research. His resume looked just like mine….
“Chinen-kun shows great promise, and from what I hear, he has a perfect photographic memory.” Keito sighed, signing another few pages.
“B-But Keito… I-I don't feel ready to be…. You know, mentoring someone…”
“Oh well….. this must be serious then… you didn't even call me Doctor Okamoto…” He smirked before standing up.
“You’ll be fine Ryutaro, I wouldn’t have assigned one to you if I didn't think you could handle it. Besides, you’ve already shown incredible talent, you’ve done your first solo surgery and passed with flying colors, and I know that you can only improve from here.”
I wish I shared his confidence, but it didn't seem like there was anything I could do about this anyway…..
I watched as the other interns of my year came in parading their own interns as if they were trophies, testaments to how good their skills were. But as long as I waited, not a single person came up to me to introduce himself.
“I wonder where he is…”
Fortunately for me, I didn't have much time to think about it as the next broadcast over the speakers signaled the arrival of mass traumas following a five car pile up.
“All available staff, please report to the ambulance bay to receive.” I wondered how the nurse or the administrator that made these announcements never sounded panicked, but I suppose when you’ve been doing this for so long, everything like this becomes rather dull.
Waiting outside for the sirens and flashing lights to come was a strange feeling when I first got here, it was almost as if I was awaiting tragedy, but now, if the pavement could talk I think it would tell me to get off it before I leave my own permanent imprint.
“Dr. Morimoto.” One of the other nurses nodded to me, indicating that we had received our patient. He was a young man, in his early thirties. His injuries were nothing serious, a few dressings and wraps and he would be okay. He was lucky he ran into the stopped cars on his bike after the crashes.
“Ryuu-chan!” Miki called as I finished signing the discharge forms for my patient. I saw a crowd of people around her and dashed to take my spot. Keito sat arm deep inside a man’s gut. His entire triage gown covered with blood.
“Severe injuries and loss of blood, he was in the middle car that got slammed into… three times.” The paramedic repeated.
I gasped as the enormous shards of glass came into view when the light hit at just the right angle. Removing these would be slow work… even for someone of Keito’s skill. The smallest movement in the wrong direction could make matters drastically worse.
“Slowly now… Ryutaro.” Keito warned as he twisted his forceps to untangle a particularly large shard embedded near the lung.
“I-I can help.” Said another doctor, just now arriving, taking the final position around the chest. I watched my own hands carefully, making sure not to accidentally slash the arteries that were intact. At the same time, I watched the other two pairs of hands working. Keito’s hands were fast and deliberate. They moved with precision, twisting and turning the forceps and you could hear each clink as the shards landed on the collecting dish. The other pair moved gently, slowly and more cautiously, they almost teased and lured the glass out. Who was this guy?
“When you’ve finished removing the shard, close him up, you should be able to handle this from here.” Keito stripped off his gloves and nodded to me.
A few minutes later I closed the patient up, sighing as the ER seemed to have calmed down now.
“Your technique is amazing..” the other figure opposite me applauded and I bowed.
“Ah… incidentally, do you know a Dr. Ryutaro Morimoto?”
I stared at him blankly
“U-Uh, y-yes? I’m Dr. Morimotio…”
“A-Ahh! I’m Sorry!” He bowed immediately
“Do… I know you?”
“M-My name is Chinen, Chinen Yuri, I was supposed to be in your office earlier but I was late and when I got there the nurse told me you were in the ER.”
I stared at him as he bowed and went through the usual greetings. This, was my intern…
Going through the usual routines with him the first day was a little strange. I wasn’t used to having someone follow behind me, asking me why I did this dressing this way or why I stitched it that way. He was very eager to learn, and I was a nervous teacher. The patients seemed to love him, many of the older patients said he reminded them of their grandson, and he would only smile as he called them “Grandpa” or “Grandma” in the tone only children know.
With rounds over, I retired to the cardiology office with Yuri falling close behind.
“Ryutaro, how did your first set of rounds go?” Keito asked as I walked in, he was finishing up the giant pile of papers still.
“This is… Dr. Okamoto, the head of our department.” I explained, plopping down on the couch.
“N-Nice to meet you!” I couldn’t help but grin as I watched a nervous intern bow like I had just months before.
“Don’t let Ryutaro mislead you, he may be nervous, but he’s a good doctor. I’m sure you’ll learn much from him.” Keito grinned, setting his pen in his coat pocket and leaving the office.
Thankfully the rest of the day flew by without many complications, small injuries came in and most cases that came in today weren’t emergent. Chinen though, was quick to learn as I watched him instantly diagnose almost every patient that came through the cardio ward’s walls. At the end of the day I tossed my coat into the laundry basket, keeping only my badge to take home with me.
“Dr. Morimoto, can…. We go out to dinner together?” Chinen asked, throwing his scrubs into the same basket, having just changed into his regular clothes. He looked so young like this…
“If you’d like…” I answered, I had wanted to go to Keito’s again he hadn’t spoken to me the whole day, and I’d barely seen him.
Dinner at a small café just three streets down from the hospital was… peaceful, and at the same time trying. Yuri told of his days in med school, how his memory was a gift, but at the same time one of the things that made him feel insecure.
“… I mean I always wonder if I didn't have this, would I really be a doctor, do I have the skill?” He said while whipping up a fork of pasta. He looked to me for an answer, but I had none…
“Your memory is part of who you are, you don't need to wonder if you have the skill, you have it. Isnt that enough?” I asked, and he nodded.
We parted ways after dinner and I was again faced with the debate of going to Keito’s or going home. I couldn’t help myself….
“Ryutaro! W-What are you doing here at this time of night?” Keito asked, opening the door.
“I.. just… uh.. I was in the neighborhood…” I lied
“At 8:30 at night?”
“Y-Yeah uh… I had a friend who lived near here.” I lied again.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I was dropping off something I borrowed.” And again, this was getting out of hand..
“Well come in..” He said, moving aside to let me in. I could smell incense in the air and while he went to the kitchen to make tea, I sat in his living room and noticed a small cabinet in the corner that I had never noticed before. It was open now, and a small wisp of smoke came from it, and I recognized it immediately as the source of the smell. I walked toward it to find a small altar, with Yuto’s picture in the middle. He had been praying…
I knelt down on the small pillow on the ground, and closed my eyes as I prayed. I could see Yuto in my mind, but he wouldn't talk to me… he only smiled and nodded and when he did I almost fell over.
“Yuto appreciates it…” Keito smiled as he set down the tray of tea.
“Do you… talk to him often?” I asked
“Sometimes… sometimes he comes to me in a dream, and sometimes I find him here…”
“What does he say?”
“Oh many things… he tells me that I should be happy….he tells me that he’s happy… and that’s all I could pray for. Sometimes I wish I could touch him again… but… well…” Keito smiled sadly, as I sat down on the couch.
I blushed seeing the way he stared at me, and quickly drowned myself in the cup of fragrant green tea in my hand.
“You still remind me of him…” He said smiling softly.
“I-I do?”
“You’re still nervous Ryutaro… and that’s okay, so was he, but in time you’ll get over it.”
“I-I just..”
“You’re afraid that you’ll mess something up?”:
“Y-Yeah…”
Keito smiled a bit, but he said nothing after that, a small pat on my back and he turned back to the kitchen.
“Would you like something to eat as well?”
“N-No! U-Um… it’s okay…”
“Calm down Ryutaro, it’s okay… I wont poison you,… the hospital frowns upon things like poisoning interns.” My mentor said flatly and he smiled as he offered me a piece of cake.
“It’s Yuto’s favorite, I keep the recipe, and I make it for him every holiday, though, to be honest I think I eat more of it than he does. Save me from myself “ Keito chuckled as he set a slice in front of me.
As I ate I was silent, watching Keito as he finished the last bit of his message to Yuto. It was with such love that I saw him rise from his knees and gently place the pillow on the floor against the small table that served as the shrine, and he smiled as he closed the two small doors that concealed it from view.,
“Well.. it’s late Ryutaro, why don't you just stay here tonight, and we’ll go in together tomorrow morning?” Just as he spoke these words, my heart skipped a beat but then jumped into overdrive all at once, these were the words that I had been hoping to hear. Even if it was in another room, I would be near him… and that’s all I could think about at the moment.
---
The next morning was a noisy one, the office in the cardiology wing seemed to be more crowded than usual, with the new interns joining the fray, the small office just didn't seem large enough anymore. My intern in particular seemed a bit overly peppy for the morning.
“Good morning Dr. Morimoto!” Chinen chirped and I nodded to him as he handed me a cup of coffee.
“Miki-san told me that you liked it this way, is… it okay?” He asked sheepishly, and again I nodded.
“Just call me Ryutaro, I’m not too far from your age that you have to be throwing titles around.” I said, setting the cup down and spreading out the day’s charts. All were patients that I would have to personally visit.
“Ryu-Chan! Good news! There’s a surgery waiting for you and Keito today at three! Bentall Surgery, are you up for it!?”
“Bentall prodedure, first done in 1968 by Hugh Bentall, entails the replacement of the Arotic root, valve and ascending aorta.” Chinen recited.
“That photographic memory really is amazing isn’t it Ryu-chan?” Miki’s eyes widened and I nodded to the both of them.
“You know, you don't have to recite everything,, I wont quiz you, I just want you to learn. If you have any questions, ask them, and when we get to the end of everything, I’ll go over it once for you. Okay?” I asked, trying not to make my new intern feel pressured.
“Yes s-sir..uh! Doctor Morimo- I mean… Ryutaro.” He said quickly. Stumbling a bit on his words Chinen quickly looked down at his feet.
I wanted to laugh a bit at that moment, but… of course being someone’s teacher now, that hardly seemed the time. I stifled my laugh and picked up the charts. Looks like having an intern may be interesting after all……
“Let’s go.”