Silence
Author: 
emmachase
Requested by: No One
Title: Silence
Rating: R
Genre: (Not.... entirely sure......)
Pairing: InooBu
Summary: Yabu works to support Kei through college, but when work becomes too much....
.“Kouta? You’re home early today…” Kei smiled happily as he peeked out of the kitchen.
“I couldn’t stand to be there anymore…” Came the reply, followed immediately by a thud, the telltale sound of the briefcase hitting the floor. Like clockwork, exactly three seconds afterwards the sounds of slippers moving across the carpet came, and exactly five seconds later the sound of the TV turning on followed by Yabu plopping on the couch.
“Kouta? Do you want anything?” Kei asked, busy chopping vegetables for tonights simple stir-fry over rice.
“Just water….”
Inoo had known for some time now, that things weren’t going well at the company. Yabu worked long nights, well into the morning in fact, just to come home for maybe three hours before leaving to go back to the office. Even though it was hard, Kouta did it, and has been doing it for the last three years, all to help put him through college. He had rented out the small house that his parents left him, and rented an apartment near Kei’s college for the two of them to live in, just so Kei could walk to school every morning. Everything he had been doing for the last few years, was all for him….. but he felt terrible lately, seeing Yabu struggle at work.
“Yabu… I’m sorry you had such a bad day…..” Inoo set down a glass of water.
“It’s not your fault… just rest up now during the summer, and we can finish your last year of college…..” Yabu smiled weakly, the fatigue of the day was wearing on him, and while he loved Kei to the utmost, he wondered if he would make this year…
As much as Inoo wanted to say more at that point, Yabu’s eyes were drooping already and he knew he shouldn't keep the boy from the sleep he so desperately needed.
“It’s your turn to rest now, I’ll wake you up when dinner is ready…” Kei gave a him a small kiss on the forehead before pulling the small throw over to serve as a small blanket.
The vegetables flew from the pan to the plate, a genuinely healthy meal anybody would be proud to have made. The small bit of fish found its way to the plates as well and just as Kei had planned, the moment the plates touched the tables a small “click” signaled the completion of the rice. Pulling the pot out of the rice cooker, Kei set it on the table between the two spots at their small table.
He went over to the couch, turning off the TV and placing a single hand on Yabu’s shoulder.
“Yabu… Yabu….” Kei gently shook him,
“Mmhn…”
“Dinner…. C’mon…”
With much prying, Kouta finally made his way to the table, the bright colors of the meal caught his eyes and while he didn't feel sleepy anymore, he didn't necessarily feel awake either….
“It’s delicious Kei….” He said, like he said everyday and every meal, and he truly meant it, though he knew that Inoo thought he didn't. It would be after this small exchange, that the clattering of spoons and plates came and the first half of dinner would be eaten in silence. When they first started dating , they used to talk all night, way beyond dinner, but now… they sat in stark stillness, small clanks as their utensils hit the plates.
“Yabu…I know…. That you made a lot of sacrifices for me….”
“Kei… not this again….”
“I j-just… I want you to know… that I’m so thankful… and I’m so grateful…”
“It’s okay….I told you… you don't have to say these useless things….”
“But I do… I do… I mean… our relationship…. Hasn't moved as quickly as Im sure you intended it to… and I mean…. While Hikaru and Daiki were…. Getting into their relationship…. We’re still just… dating…”
Yabu paused, setting his chopsticks down on the plate. He got up now and pulled Kei from the chair, taking him to the single large chair in their living room. This was the one chair that Yabu could sit in, and it’d still be roomy enough for Kei to sit on his lap, and throw his feet over the side. This was their favorite piece of furniture in their entire apartment. Kouta sat down now, pulling his boyfriend onto his lap. Wrapping his arms around the boy he snuggled his head against the crevice of Kei’s neck and took a deep breath in, smelling the scent of dish detergent and the smell of lemon from the fish.
“Kei…You had your priorities straight, you wanted to graduate first, before you got into a real relationship, you wanted to graduate and get your degree, before anything else happened in your life, and I respect that. I understand how important it is for you to make it work…. But I need you to understand that I don't resent you, I wanted to support you through school, and so I chose to do this for you. You don't have to apologize….” Truth be told, Yabu thought it was rather cute the way Kei acted when he felt guilty like this, the shy look in his eyes was like that of a six-year old being scolded…..
“So… you don't care… about… waiting?”
“Nope.”
“Waiting before… we really become official…?”
“Nope.”
“Waiting before… we… we…”
“Have sex?”
Inoo’s eyes grew big at the word, but he nodded nonetheless.
“The way Hikaru’s made it sound from his first time with Daiki, I know that it’ll be something wonderful, but I know that it’s going to be all the better if we wait until we both want to do it…. And if you’re not ready…. I can wait….”
“Really?”
“At first, I wanted to, and I still do… I really do, but I don't want to pressure you… and I know that you’re not ready now… so.. I can wait, I promise…. Now, no more talking about this okay? I love you… and don't you ever forget that…”
Yabu made to get up but he fell back into the chair when Kei’s arms wrapped around his neck, pulling the boy closer, keeping the two in the chair.
“J-Just… a little longer….” Inoo said, nestling himself in Yabu’s lap… they never did get back to dinner that night, as the two fell asleep in that chair as they had many times before..
---
Things continued like this, a month passed, and another…. And another. And soon school began again and Kei spent his days in the library, coming home to cook dinner and clean up the house. The only difference now was, things seemed to be getting worse. Yabu would come home later and later, and every once in a while, after a particularly difficult day, he would come home drunk.
One particular night, Kei came home late, Yabu had insisted that he study for his test and not worry about dinner that night, he would be “going out with buddies” and wouldn't be home anyway. As soon as he shut the door, a heavy weight fell on his body, almost making him crumble to the floor.
“KEI…. You’re HOME!” Yabu’s voice alternated between loud and soft, the redness of his skin told just how far gone he was.
“K-Kouta? A-Are you okay?”
“I’m….. GREAT!.... JUST great……”
“Kouta…. Let’s go…. Lie down okay?
“LIE DOWN!? WHY!? I’mmmmm…. F-fine…” The older boy slurred.
“C’mon… this way…” Kei helped Yabu hobble his way to the bed. He opened the bedroom door to the small master that they shared, and he pulled Yabu to the edge of the bed, just in time for him to plop on the bed, everything from his waist down hanging off the edge.
“K-Kei… you-You’re… sooo prut…prêt…preeetty” The words slurred again.
“Let’s… get you of of these clothes okay? They smell like beer and tobacco…”
Slowly Inoo pulled off his boyfriend’s tie and made to unbutton his shirt. The moment undid the last button, he felt himself suddenly be lifted off the ground and somehow he landed himself on the bed, with a half-naked Yabu on top of him.
“You’re s-SO….. sexy….” Yabu grinned drunkenly before throwing himself onto Kei’s body.
“m-mmnh! K-Kouta! Stop!” Kei called, pushing his boyfriend off him, or at least trying to. He tossed his head from side to side, dodging kisses but the few that caught tasted horribly of alcohol.
“Stop!” Kei said again, but his pleas were ignored, the more he resisted it seemed, the more Yabu pushed. Eventually, through all the squirming, he had managed to work himself up to the headboard, his head pressed against the hard wooden surface.
“S-Stop… stop!” Kei shouted in his last desperate attempt, but now he felt a single hand climbing under his shirt, the first of his buttons coming undone.
“N-No!” The younger boy cried, giving his legs the last bit of strength he had, kicking Yabu off, but it was no use… the older boy was stronger and he couldn't overpower him.
“WHY!?” Yabu shouted, and now Kei felt his shirt being pulled up before being pushed down onto the bed, making him hit the headboard….. hard.
“A-Anhgh!” Kei cringed, an intense head ache hit him, making him feel dizzy, his arms and legs went numb and his body weak from dizziness.
“N-Not like this… Yabu… please… kouta… not like this…. not like this…” Kei cried now, the tears free flowing.
“Kei… kei… Kei…. I-I’m… I’m so.. sorry..” Yabu paused, his head a whirl of colors, but in the midst of all the blurs he could see one thing clearly… the boy he loved… was crying… Somewhere deep within, a sense of heaviness hung over him, and in a brief moment of clarity, he got off the bed and stumbled out of the bedroom. Outside, a faint slam could be heard, as the door to the apartment shut.
Kei lay on the bed, alone and crying, his bare torso exposed to the night air and he shivered as he curled into a ball. He sobbed uncontrollably as the cold air surrounded him, making him shiver, but his arms were still too numb and his mind too shocked to reach out for the blanket at the foot of the bed. It was like that, that Kei fell asleep that night…. In utter silence.
Yabu didn't come home that night…
-----
The next day Kei awoke alone in the bad that was obviously made for two, he was still curled up in a ball, though somewhere in the night he had unconsciously managed to pull the blanket over him. The air was heavy now, as it always was when the weekend rolled around, the sounds of street vendors just outside the window carried its way in. As the noise of life moving on came to greet him, Kei shirked away, covering himself in the blanket and wanting so much for life to just pass him by. All he could think about was the look on Yabu’s face, how roughly his hands had…. Touched him…..
By the sounds of the small chime from the nearby church, Inoo knew it was exactly nine in the morning, but somehow in only a few fleeting moments he heard the chimes signaling the arrival of high noon. The realization that he’d been laying in bed for three hours made him nervous now. He couldn’t hide forever in the bed, no matter how comfortable and warm it was…. but if he opened the door… would he be there? What would he say? What would he do?
He couldn’t wait anymore….
Gently Kei pushed open the door, the apartment was just as desolate as it sounded, the shoes exactly as he had left them the night before, only Yabu’s were missing. He had tried to make himself some lunch, but somehow the sorry looking piece of bread lost its appeal halfway through and he ended up throwing everything on the counter away. Maybe… a walk would be better. He thought, as he threw off his clothes and got in the shower. The cold water rained upon him, and he shivered as he bore the brunt of the cold. He was still numb…. The walk never happened, as he just stood there in the shower, letting the water cascade over him. Inoo watched as the lines of clear liquid fell from his hair unto the ground, and he felt its soft warmth over him, cleansing him….. but it wasn't enough… He reached for the soap and scrubbed himself from head to toe at least three times, but it never felt like it was enough….he wanted so badly to cleanse himself of that image… that feeling… but it never left him….
As he started his fourth scrubbing, his skin protested now, red with pain and he dropped the soap and fell to the ground, the now warm tiles pressed against him and he drew his knees to his chest, huddling in a pitiful ball.
Another twenty minutes passed and Kei finally found his way out of the shower. He dropped the towel at the door and threw on his clothes. He sat now in their living room, keys in hand ready to leave, but as his eyes stared at the picture of Yabu on their coffee table he felt himself zone out again. He sat there fiddling with the keys that would occasionally jingle if he turned them the right way. The day turned to night outside and he finally was awoken by the sound of an exceptionally angry motorist. It was seven at night now… and as was his custom he felt himself rise and go to the kitchen, taking out the ingredients he had planned for dinner earlier in the week. His body went through the motions, he blindly chopped vegetables and sautéed the meat chunks and all through this he felt nothing. Dropping the plates onto the dimly lit table set for two he sat in his spot and stared at the food he had portioned into two servings. In silence, he ate his own and though half of it remained when he was done, he shoved it into the refrigerator and set to doing the dishes, washing the one bowl he had managed to dirty up. Through the entire day, he never made a sound……
When he began to scrub the pan, the doorbell rang and Kei wiped his hands on his small blue and apron, moving to open the door. Just as he reached for the knob, Kei took a deep breath… what if Yabu were on the other side….
“Kei-Chan!” someone from the outside called. It didn’t sound like Yabu…
Bravely Inoo opened the door, there stood three men, the middle of which was slumped onto the other two’s shoulders.
“Kei-Chan! Yabu’s been at the office since late last night! He’s been working through the night and all day today! When we finally sent him home we found him at the bar afterwork…. Is he okay..?” Hikaru asked as he and Daiki pulled a very drunk and very unconscious Yabu into the small apartment. They set him onto the bed and through all their questions Kei never said a thing.
“Kei… is everything okay?” Daiki asked, as he and Hikaru stood in front of the door, the expressions on their faces clearly betraying the calmness in their voices.
There was no response but for a weak smile and a soft bow. With a soft sigh Hikaru turned to Daiki, the last ten minutes of questions had yielded nothing.
“Kei-Chan…. If you need anything… just give me a call okay?” Daiki said giving the boy a hug. When the door shut, Kei turned to look at the apartment, he walked to the bedroom to see Yabu laying there. The bags under his eyes, the coarseness in his hands all of it… struck him deep in his heart. It was his fault…. It was all his fault that Yabu was like this… working so hard to support him through school……
He went out to the table to get the plates and set them on a small tray bringing it and a small glass of water to the room he set it on the small bedstand and did his best to pull Yabu onto the bed. As soon as he finished, he pulled the blankets over the boy. Just as he was about to leave the room he heard Yabu stirring on the mattress, some mumbles followed and in that instant… he heard it.
“Kei…mhnn… I’m.. sorry…. Kei….. kei…..Kei…” Yabu repeated his name over and over again, each time felt like a needle through his heart and when the boy’s sleepy murmurs died away Kei left the room, shutting the door tightly behind him. He broke down now, sinking against the door and onto the floor. He cried for hours on end, and when the clock in the living room showed a steady 1:30AM he felt his tears dry up now… and he got up solemnly and fell onto the couch, he was exhausted and his eyes hurt from rubbing them so much, closing his eyes Inoo fell asleep….. the silence was unbearable now, but he knew not except for tears…. What was there to say?
---
Waking up the next morning, Yabu groaned as he opened his eyes to see the bright sunlight shining into the apartment. Realizing where he was he sat straight up he turned slowly to look at the opposite side of the bed and his heart sank to find it empty, Kei didn't sleep next to him…..
Slowly he crept out of bed, making sure not to make even the slightest sound. Yabu opened the door now, peaking into the living room and he saw the small huddled mass on the couch. His heart broke to pieces now as he crept to the boy’s side, staring at the beautiful boy he had fallen in love with. Kei’s eyes were closed, the soft lips that he loved to kiss were slightly opened, and the sound of his breathing came in waves, softly and soothing.
“Kei…” Yabu whispered, gently brushing aside a lock of hair. There was so much he wanted to say to him, so much he wanted to atone for…but some part of him wouldn’t let him. He had worked for almost a full 24 hours, wanting to forget everything. He worked until his hands hurt from all the typing, all the lifting, everything he did he did because he just didn't want to think about the horrible thing he did. But now he was face to face with it, his victim… his boyfriend lay there sleeping and he couldn't bring himself to touch him without feeling guilty. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything for fear of what other stupid things may come out instead…. He was… helpless….
Yabu sat quietly for a few minutes staring at Inoo, he wanted to carve it all into his memory now, worried that it may be the last time he would ever see such a sight…. And if Kei left him… he wouldn't blame him…..
“mnh…” Kei tossed and turned now, and Yabu bolted up from the chair, he ran into the bedroom and shut the door, jumping into the bed. He couldn’t face him… not yet. He heard Kei get off the couch, he heard the small stumble that almost certainly came from the younger boy stubbing his toe against the one leg of the coffee table he never managed to notice. But he wanted anxiously, the blankets drawn over his head. Kei never opened the bedroom door, he never came in and there was no need for the blanket. Yabu heard the running water from the kitchen sink, the soft clatter of shoes on the floor and lastly, the door shutting as someone locked it from the other side. Kei didn't look for him, and Yabu couldn’t blame him… it was a shameful thing he’d done…
Yabu lay in bed now, the blankets still drawn over his head, at least this way he may have had a chance of suffocating to death…. He thought. But it never came… instead he smelled a faint odor of lightly sautéed chicken, and a very carefully boiled vegetable medley. The sweet aroma of the carrots caught his attention as he slowly pulled the blankets off himself. Turning to face the small bedstand he saw the small tray of food Kei had left for him. There sat a beautiful plate of food, his own chopsticks laid neatly atop a white napkin. It was cold now, but it was the best dish he had ever had… and he meant it, though now, there was no one to hear him say it. Yabu cried as he ate everything on that tray, savoring the flavor as much as he could, taking what little he had left of Kei… it had to be over…. What he did was… unforgivable… he… had ruined it… all of it… their happy lifestyle.... he wanted so badly to tell Kei he was sorry… how deeply sorry he was…. but he wasn't sure the chance would come again… he ate quietly and mournfully….
Hours passed, as Yabu sat in their room, the door shut still, he decided he would wait until night, and if Kei returned… he would sit here and wait. Wait until Kei was ready to talk to him, whether good or bad…he would deal with it when it came. His hands trembled as every small rumble sounded like the doorlock. First six, then seven, then eight, nine, ten…. the hours passed quickly and it seemed Kei wouldn’t be coming home that night…
Just as Yabu made to turn off the lamp, ready to cry himself to sleep, he heard a click, the tears flowed now, though he wasn't sure if it was from happiness or dread. A soft thump signaled the backpack Kei carried being set next to the closet, and Yabu watched as the light came and went as Kei walked around the apartment. He wished he would come in and see him, but he had no right to demand it, and he had no right to expect it either… He would sit here and wait…. until Kei was ready to talk to him… Yabu knew he would…. He would come in to tell him how he hated him… how he had betrayed him… and Yabu would nod to these things… because… they were true…… they had to be…
The sounds of the kitchen clattering came now, but still nothing from the door that separated them. The small sounds of utensils being set came, but still nothing from the door, a soft clang came from the metal trashcan in the kitchen, but still…. Nothing from the door.
Yabu sat still in the room now, his eyes closed….
Click
Kei stepped through the door, a tray of food in his hands, Yabu stared at him, his eyes welling with tears. Kei’s eyes never met his… and he watched as the younger boy walked to the bed stand and set the tray down, taking the empty tray in his arms. He walked to the door again… Through all this…. he was silent still…
“K-Kei please… please…please…..please…” Yabu cried, his voice shaking. Inoo stopped, not moving a single inch. He turned around now, his head still down.
“Kei… please…be mad… be angry…. Hate me… please… please… talk to me… yell at me…I can take it… I deserve it… just please… don't… be quiet around me…. don't ignore me…” Yabu begged, running forward now and extended his arms, but caught himself and stopped…. He couldn’t touch him… not yet…..
Inoo didn’t move, the boy turned around now, his back towards Yabu and the older boy’s head sunk… it was over……
A loud clank came as the try Kei held in his hands fell to the ground, the empty plate jumped up from the impact and cracked as it landed on the tray’s surface.
Yabu felt two silky soft hands reach for his and the pulled him forward, wrapping his hands around Kei’s body.
“I’m not mad… I’m not angry… I don't hate you…. And I wont yell at you… I’m not ignoring you. But why… wont you hug me… when that's all I needed these last few hours… I missed you… I worried about you… I wanted to see you… but I couldn't….” Kei spoke softly, tightening Yabu’s embrace around him.
“I-I know… I wasn't home…”
“No… I couldn’t bring myself to see you… because… it’s all my fault… it’s my fault you’re like this…. its all for me… it’s all….. for me….” Inoo’s voice grew timid now, and shaky as he fault back the tears he was sure would overcome him at any moment.
“Oh no… kei… no no no… no… it’s not…. It’s not your fault… it’s not…. It’s not…. Please… stop… stop….I shouldn’t have gone drinking…and I shouldn’t have let that happen… “ Yabu said, turning Kei around he wiped away the tears that were streaming down the younger boy’s face and pulled him closer still.
“I said….. when we started…. That I would provide for you…. By any means I knew how…. I would get you through college and love and support you until I die… and I still want to do that… I still do… I don't ever think of this as a burden Kei… I don't. I’m just happy to come home from a hard day at work to see you… to eat the most delicious meal I’ve ever had…. And to sleep next to you in bed every night… that’s all I want…”
“Kouta…. I’m sorry I can’t give you what Daiki and Hikaru have…”
“Silly boy… that’s not what I’m worried about… if the day comes when we’re both ready… it’ll come….”
“I’m sorry…. You have to do all this….”
Yabu smiled now as he felt Kei’s head rest against his shoulder now, and he gave the boy in his arms one final squeeze
“I told you… I don't have to…. I want to.”
That night, the two boys laid in bed side by side, and as they turned to look at each other in the night, they smiled as they snuggled close. Yabu put his arm around Kei now, and Inoo was happy to feel the warmth and comfort of his boyfriend around him.
Silence came now, but not because of they didn't know what to say, but because they already knew what the other wanted to convey…
I love you……
---
Whee~ Finally a full story has come out of me…… T_T I can feel my creative juices being zapped away by school….. and maybe that's what I channeled to write this story…. Sad day….. I hope you all liked it
Once again, comments are appreciated (As I love hearing from all of you! Good or bad!), but not an obligation!
~Emmie
emmachase
Requested by: No One
Title: Silence
Rating: R
Genre: (Not.... entirely sure......)
Pairing: InooBu
Summary: Yabu works to support Kei through college, but when work becomes too much....
.“Kouta? You’re home early today…” Kei smiled happily as he peeked out of the kitchen.
“I couldn’t stand to be there anymore…” Came the reply, followed immediately by a thud, the telltale sound of the briefcase hitting the floor. Like clockwork, exactly three seconds afterwards the sounds of slippers moving across the carpet came, and exactly five seconds later the sound of the TV turning on followed by Yabu plopping on the couch.
“Kouta? Do you want anything?” Kei asked, busy chopping vegetables for tonights simple stir-fry over rice.
“Just water….”
Inoo had known for some time now, that things weren’t going well at the company. Yabu worked long nights, well into the morning in fact, just to come home for maybe three hours before leaving to go back to the office. Even though it was hard, Kouta did it, and has been doing it for the last three years, all to help put him through college. He had rented out the small house that his parents left him, and rented an apartment near Kei’s college for the two of them to live in, just so Kei could walk to school every morning. Everything he had been doing for the last few years, was all for him….. but he felt terrible lately, seeing Yabu struggle at work.
“Yabu… I’m sorry you had such a bad day…..” Inoo set down a glass of water.
“It’s not your fault… just rest up now during the summer, and we can finish your last year of college…..” Yabu smiled weakly, the fatigue of the day was wearing on him, and while he loved Kei to the utmost, he wondered if he would make this year…
As much as Inoo wanted to say more at that point, Yabu’s eyes were drooping already and he knew he shouldn't keep the boy from the sleep he so desperately needed.
“It’s your turn to rest now, I’ll wake you up when dinner is ready…” Kei gave a him a small kiss on the forehead before pulling the small throw over to serve as a small blanket.
The vegetables flew from the pan to the plate, a genuinely healthy meal anybody would be proud to have made. The small bit of fish found its way to the plates as well and just as Kei had planned, the moment the plates touched the tables a small “click” signaled the completion of the rice. Pulling the pot out of the rice cooker, Kei set it on the table between the two spots at their small table.
He went over to the couch, turning off the TV and placing a single hand on Yabu’s shoulder.
“Yabu… Yabu….” Kei gently shook him,
“Mmhn…”
“Dinner…. C’mon…”
With much prying, Kouta finally made his way to the table, the bright colors of the meal caught his eyes and while he didn't feel sleepy anymore, he didn't necessarily feel awake either….
“It’s delicious Kei….” He said, like he said everyday and every meal, and he truly meant it, though he knew that Inoo thought he didn't. It would be after this small exchange, that the clattering of spoons and plates came and the first half of dinner would be eaten in silence. When they first started dating , they used to talk all night, way beyond dinner, but now… they sat in stark stillness, small clanks as their utensils hit the plates.
“Yabu…I know…. That you made a lot of sacrifices for me….”
“Kei… not this again….”
“I j-just… I want you to know… that I’m so thankful… and I’m so grateful…”
“It’s okay….I told you… you don't have to say these useless things….”
“But I do… I do… I mean… our relationship…. Hasn't moved as quickly as Im sure you intended it to… and I mean…. While Hikaru and Daiki were…. Getting into their relationship…. We’re still just… dating…”
Yabu paused, setting his chopsticks down on the plate. He got up now and pulled Kei from the chair, taking him to the single large chair in their living room. This was the one chair that Yabu could sit in, and it’d still be roomy enough for Kei to sit on his lap, and throw his feet over the side. This was their favorite piece of furniture in their entire apartment. Kouta sat down now, pulling his boyfriend onto his lap. Wrapping his arms around the boy he snuggled his head against the crevice of Kei’s neck and took a deep breath in, smelling the scent of dish detergent and the smell of lemon from the fish.
“Kei…You had your priorities straight, you wanted to graduate first, before you got into a real relationship, you wanted to graduate and get your degree, before anything else happened in your life, and I respect that. I understand how important it is for you to make it work…. But I need you to understand that I don't resent you, I wanted to support you through school, and so I chose to do this for you. You don't have to apologize….” Truth be told, Yabu thought it was rather cute the way Kei acted when he felt guilty like this, the shy look in his eyes was like that of a six-year old being scolded…..
“So… you don't care… about… waiting?”
“Nope.”
“Waiting before… we really become official…?”
“Nope.”
“Waiting before… we… we…”
“Have sex?”
Inoo’s eyes grew big at the word, but he nodded nonetheless.
“The way Hikaru’s made it sound from his first time with Daiki, I know that it’ll be something wonderful, but I know that it’s going to be all the better if we wait until we both want to do it…. And if you’re not ready…. I can wait….”
“Really?”
“At first, I wanted to, and I still do… I really do, but I don't want to pressure you… and I know that you’re not ready now… so.. I can wait, I promise…. Now, no more talking about this okay? I love you… and don't you ever forget that…”
Yabu made to get up but he fell back into the chair when Kei’s arms wrapped around his neck, pulling the boy closer, keeping the two in the chair.
“J-Just… a little longer….” Inoo said, nestling himself in Yabu’s lap… they never did get back to dinner that night, as the two fell asleep in that chair as they had many times before..
---
Things continued like this, a month passed, and another…. And another. And soon school began again and Kei spent his days in the library, coming home to cook dinner and clean up the house. The only difference now was, things seemed to be getting worse. Yabu would come home later and later, and every once in a while, after a particularly difficult day, he would come home drunk.
One particular night, Kei came home late, Yabu had insisted that he study for his test and not worry about dinner that night, he would be “going out with buddies” and wouldn't be home anyway. As soon as he shut the door, a heavy weight fell on his body, almost making him crumble to the floor.
“KEI…. You’re HOME!” Yabu’s voice alternated between loud and soft, the redness of his skin told just how far gone he was.
“K-Kouta? A-Are you okay?”
“I’m….. GREAT!.... JUST great……”
“Kouta…. Let’s go…. Lie down okay?
“LIE DOWN!? WHY!? I’mmmmm…. F-fine…” The older boy slurred.
“C’mon… this way…” Kei helped Yabu hobble his way to the bed. He opened the bedroom door to the small master that they shared, and he pulled Yabu to the edge of the bed, just in time for him to plop on the bed, everything from his waist down hanging off the edge.
“K-Kei… you-You’re… sooo prut…prêt…preeetty” The words slurred again.
“Let’s… get you of of these clothes okay? They smell like beer and tobacco…”
Slowly Inoo pulled off his boyfriend’s tie and made to unbutton his shirt. The moment undid the last button, he felt himself suddenly be lifted off the ground and somehow he landed himself on the bed, with a half-naked Yabu on top of him.
“You’re s-SO….. sexy….” Yabu grinned drunkenly before throwing himself onto Kei’s body.
“m-mmnh! K-Kouta! Stop!” Kei called, pushing his boyfriend off him, or at least trying to. He tossed his head from side to side, dodging kisses but the few that caught tasted horribly of alcohol.
“Stop!” Kei said again, but his pleas were ignored, the more he resisted it seemed, the more Yabu pushed. Eventually, through all the squirming, he had managed to work himself up to the headboard, his head pressed against the hard wooden surface.
“S-Stop… stop!” Kei shouted in his last desperate attempt, but now he felt a single hand climbing under his shirt, the first of his buttons coming undone.
“N-No!” The younger boy cried, giving his legs the last bit of strength he had, kicking Yabu off, but it was no use… the older boy was stronger and he couldn't overpower him.
“WHY!?” Yabu shouted, and now Kei felt his shirt being pulled up before being pushed down onto the bed, making him hit the headboard….. hard.
“A-Anhgh!” Kei cringed, an intense head ache hit him, making him feel dizzy, his arms and legs went numb and his body weak from dizziness.
“N-Not like this… Yabu… please… kouta… not like this…. not like this…” Kei cried now, the tears free flowing.
“Kei… kei… Kei…. I-I’m… I’m so.. sorry..” Yabu paused, his head a whirl of colors, but in the midst of all the blurs he could see one thing clearly… the boy he loved… was crying… Somewhere deep within, a sense of heaviness hung over him, and in a brief moment of clarity, he got off the bed and stumbled out of the bedroom. Outside, a faint slam could be heard, as the door to the apartment shut.
Kei lay on the bed, alone and crying, his bare torso exposed to the night air and he shivered as he curled into a ball. He sobbed uncontrollably as the cold air surrounded him, making him shiver, but his arms were still too numb and his mind too shocked to reach out for the blanket at the foot of the bed. It was like that, that Kei fell asleep that night…. In utter silence.
Yabu didn't come home that night…
-----
The next day Kei awoke alone in the bad that was obviously made for two, he was still curled up in a ball, though somewhere in the night he had unconsciously managed to pull the blanket over him. The air was heavy now, as it always was when the weekend rolled around, the sounds of street vendors just outside the window carried its way in. As the noise of life moving on came to greet him, Kei shirked away, covering himself in the blanket and wanting so much for life to just pass him by. All he could think about was the look on Yabu’s face, how roughly his hands had…. Touched him…..
By the sounds of the small chime from the nearby church, Inoo knew it was exactly nine in the morning, but somehow in only a few fleeting moments he heard the chimes signaling the arrival of high noon. The realization that he’d been laying in bed for three hours made him nervous now. He couldn’t hide forever in the bed, no matter how comfortable and warm it was…. but if he opened the door… would he be there? What would he say? What would he do?
He couldn’t wait anymore….
Gently Kei pushed open the door, the apartment was just as desolate as it sounded, the shoes exactly as he had left them the night before, only Yabu’s were missing. He had tried to make himself some lunch, but somehow the sorry looking piece of bread lost its appeal halfway through and he ended up throwing everything on the counter away. Maybe… a walk would be better. He thought, as he threw off his clothes and got in the shower. The cold water rained upon him, and he shivered as he bore the brunt of the cold. He was still numb…. The walk never happened, as he just stood there in the shower, letting the water cascade over him. Inoo watched as the lines of clear liquid fell from his hair unto the ground, and he felt its soft warmth over him, cleansing him….. but it wasn't enough… He reached for the soap and scrubbed himself from head to toe at least three times, but it never felt like it was enough….he wanted so badly to cleanse himself of that image… that feeling… but it never left him….
As he started his fourth scrubbing, his skin protested now, red with pain and he dropped the soap and fell to the ground, the now warm tiles pressed against him and he drew his knees to his chest, huddling in a pitiful ball.
Another twenty minutes passed and Kei finally found his way out of the shower. He dropped the towel at the door and threw on his clothes. He sat now in their living room, keys in hand ready to leave, but as his eyes stared at the picture of Yabu on their coffee table he felt himself zone out again. He sat there fiddling with the keys that would occasionally jingle if he turned them the right way. The day turned to night outside and he finally was awoken by the sound of an exceptionally angry motorist. It was seven at night now… and as was his custom he felt himself rise and go to the kitchen, taking out the ingredients he had planned for dinner earlier in the week. His body went through the motions, he blindly chopped vegetables and sautéed the meat chunks and all through this he felt nothing. Dropping the plates onto the dimly lit table set for two he sat in his spot and stared at the food he had portioned into two servings. In silence, he ate his own and though half of it remained when he was done, he shoved it into the refrigerator and set to doing the dishes, washing the one bowl he had managed to dirty up. Through the entire day, he never made a sound……
When he began to scrub the pan, the doorbell rang and Kei wiped his hands on his small blue and apron, moving to open the door. Just as he reached for the knob, Kei took a deep breath… what if Yabu were on the other side….
“Kei-Chan!” someone from the outside called. It didn’t sound like Yabu…
Bravely Inoo opened the door, there stood three men, the middle of which was slumped onto the other two’s shoulders.
“Kei-Chan! Yabu’s been at the office since late last night! He’s been working through the night and all day today! When we finally sent him home we found him at the bar afterwork…. Is he okay..?” Hikaru asked as he and Daiki pulled a very drunk and very unconscious Yabu into the small apartment. They set him onto the bed and through all their questions Kei never said a thing.
“Kei… is everything okay?” Daiki asked, as he and Hikaru stood in front of the door, the expressions on their faces clearly betraying the calmness in their voices.
There was no response but for a weak smile and a soft bow. With a soft sigh Hikaru turned to Daiki, the last ten minutes of questions had yielded nothing.
“Kei-Chan…. If you need anything… just give me a call okay?” Daiki said giving the boy a hug. When the door shut, Kei turned to look at the apartment, he walked to the bedroom to see Yabu laying there. The bags under his eyes, the coarseness in his hands all of it… struck him deep in his heart. It was his fault…. It was all his fault that Yabu was like this… working so hard to support him through school……
He went out to the table to get the plates and set them on a small tray bringing it and a small glass of water to the room he set it on the small bedstand and did his best to pull Yabu onto the bed. As soon as he finished, he pulled the blankets over the boy. Just as he was about to leave the room he heard Yabu stirring on the mattress, some mumbles followed and in that instant… he heard it.
“Kei…mhnn… I’m.. sorry…. Kei….. kei…..Kei…” Yabu repeated his name over and over again, each time felt like a needle through his heart and when the boy’s sleepy murmurs died away Kei left the room, shutting the door tightly behind him. He broke down now, sinking against the door and onto the floor. He cried for hours on end, and when the clock in the living room showed a steady 1:30AM he felt his tears dry up now… and he got up solemnly and fell onto the couch, he was exhausted and his eyes hurt from rubbing them so much, closing his eyes Inoo fell asleep….. the silence was unbearable now, but he knew not except for tears…. What was there to say?
---
Waking up the next morning, Yabu groaned as he opened his eyes to see the bright sunlight shining into the apartment. Realizing where he was he sat straight up he turned slowly to look at the opposite side of the bed and his heart sank to find it empty, Kei didn't sleep next to him…..
Slowly he crept out of bed, making sure not to make even the slightest sound. Yabu opened the door now, peaking into the living room and he saw the small huddled mass on the couch. His heart broke to pieces now as he crept to the boy’s side, staring at the beautiful boy he had fallen in love with. Kei’s eyes were closed, the soft lips that he loved to kiss were slightly opened, and the sound of his breathing came in waves, softly and soothing.
“Kei…” Yabu whispered, gently brushing aside a lock of hair. There was so much he wanted to say to him, so much he wanted to atone for…but some part of him wouldn’t let him. He had worked for almost a full 24 hours, wanting to forget everything. He worked until his hands hurt from all the typing, all the lifting, everything he did he did because he just didn't want to think about the horrible thing he did. But now he was face to face with it, his victim… his boyfriend lay there sleeping and he couldn't bring himself to touch him without feeling guilty. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything for fear of what other stupid things may come out instead…. He was… helpless….
Yabu sat quietly for a few minutes staring at Inoo, he wanted to carve it all into his memory now, worried that it may be the last time he would ever see such a sight…. And if Kei left him… he wouldn't blame him…..
“mnh…” Kei tossed and turned now, and Yabu bolted up from the chair, he ran into the bedroom and shut the door, jumping into the bed. He couldn’t face him… not yet. He heard Kei get off the couch, he heard the small stumble that almost certainly came from the younger boy stubbing his toe against the one leg of the coffee table he never managed to notice. But he wanted anxiously, the blankets drawn over his head. Kei never opened the bedroom door, he never came in and there was no need for the blanket. Yabu heard the running water from the kitchen sink, the soft clatter of shoes on the floor and lastly, the door shutting as someone locked it from the other side. Kei didn't look for him, and Yabu couldn’t blame him… it was a shameful thing he’d done…
Yabu lay in bed now, the blankets still drawn over his head, at least this way he may have had a chance of suffocating to death…. He thought. But it never came… instead he smelled a faint odor of lightly sautéed chicken, and a very carefully boiled vegetable medley. The sweet aroma of the carrots caught his attention as he slowly pulled the blankets off himself. Turning to face the small bedstand he saw the small tray of food Kei had left for him. There sat a beautiful plate of food, his own chopsticks laid neatly atop a white napkin. It was cold now, but it was the best dish he had ever had… and he meant it, though now, there was no one to hear him say it. Yabu cried as he ate everything on that tray, savoring the flavor as much as he could, taking what little he had left of Kei… it had to be over…. What he did was… unforgivable… he… had ruined it… all of it… their happy lifestyle.... he wanted so badly to tell Kei he was sorry… how deeply sorry he was…. but he wasn't sure the chance would come again… he ate quietly and mournfully….
Hours passed, as Yabu sat in their room, the door shut still, he decided he would wait until night, and if Kei returned… he would sit here and wait. Wait until Kei was ready to talk to him, whether good or bad…he would deal with it when it came. His hands trembled as every small rumble sounded like the doorlock. First six, then seven, then eight, nine, ten…. the hours passed quickly and it seemed Kei wouldn’t be coming home that night…
Just as Yabu made to turn off the lamp, ready to cry himself to sleep, he heard a click, the tears flowed now, though he wasn't sure if it was from happiness or dread. A soft thump signaled the backpack Kei carried being set next to the closet, and Yabu watched as the light came and went as Kei walked around the apartment. He wished he would come in and see him, but he had no right to demand it, and he had no right to expect it either… He would sit here and wait…. until Kei was ready to talk to him… Yabu knew he would…. He would come in to tell him how he hated him… how he had betrayed him… and Yabu would nod to these things… because… they were true…… they had to be…
The sounds of the kitchen clattering came now, but still nothing from the door that separated them. The small sounds of utensils being set came, but still nothing from the door, a soft clang came from the metal trashcan in the kitchen, but still…. Nothing from the door.
Yabu sat still in the room now, his eyes closed….
Click
Kei stepped through the door, a tray of food in his hands, Yabu stared at him, his eyes welling with tears. Kei’s eyes never met his… and he watched as the younger boy walked to the bed stand and set the tray down, taking the empty tray in his arms. He walked to the door again… Through all this…. he was silent still…
“K-Kei please… please…please…..please…” Yabu cried, his voice shaking. Inoo stopped, not moving a single inch. He turned around now, his head still down.
“Kei… please…be mad… be angry…. Hate me… please… please… talk to me… yell at me…I can take it… I deserve it… just please… don't… be quiet around me…. don't ignore me…” Yabu begged, running forward now and extended his arms, but caught himself and stopped…. He couldn’t touch him… not yet…..
Inoo didn’t move, the boy turned around now, his back towards Yabu and the older boy’s head sunk… it was over……
A loud clank came as the try Kei held in his hands fell to the ground, the empty plate jumped up from the impact and cracked as it landed on the tray’s surface.
Yabu felt two silky soft hands reach for his and the pulled him forward, wrapping his hands around Kei’s body.
“I’m not mad… I’m not angry… I don't hate you…. And I wont yell at you… I’m not ignoring you. But why… wont you hug me… when that's all I needed these last few hours… I missed you… I worried about you… I wanted to see you… but I couldn't….” Kei spoke softly, tightening Yabu’s embrace around him.
“I-I know… I wasn't home…”
“No… I couldn’t bring myself to see you… because… it’s all my fault… it’s my fault you’re like this…. its all for me… it’s all….. for me….” Inoo’s voice grew timid now, and shaky as he fault back the tears he was sure would overcome him at any moment.
“Oh no… kei… no no no… no… it’s not…. It’s not your fault… it’s not…. It’s not…. Please… stop… stop….I shouldn’t have gone drinking…and I shouldn’t have let that happen… “ Yabu said, turning Kei around he wiped away the tears that were streaming down the younger boy’s face and pulled him closer still.
“I said….. when we started…. That I would provide for you…. By any means I knew how…. I would get you through college and love and support you until I die… and I still want to do that… I still do… I don't ever think of this as a burden Kei… I don't. I’m just happy to come home from a hard day at work to see you… to eat the most delicious meal I’ve ever had…. And to sleep next to you in bed every night… that’s all I want…”
“Kouta…. I’m sorry I can’t give you what Daiki and Hikaru have…”
“Silly boy… that’s not what I’m worried about… if the day comes when we’re both ready… it’ll come….”
“I’m sorry…. You have to do all this….”
Yabu smiled now as he felt Kei’s head rest against his shoulder now, and he gave the boy in his arms one final squeeze
“I told you… I don't have to…. I want to.”
That night, the two boys laid in bed side by side, and as they turned to look at each other in the night, they smiled as they snuggled close. Yabu put his arm around Kei now, and Inoo was happy to feel the warmth and comfort of his boyfriend around him.
Silence came now, but not because of they didn't know what to say, but because they already knew what the other wanted to convey…
I love you……
---
Whee~ Finally a full story has come out of me…… T_T I can feel my creative juices being zapped away by school….. and maybe that's what I channeled to write this story…. Sad day….. I hope you all liked it
Once again, comments are appreciated (As I love hearing from all of you! Good or bad!), but not an obligation!
~Emmie