Wagner's Flying Dutchman
Dramatis Personae:
CHORUS OF FISHERMEN
DALAND: A Norwegian sea-captain
STEERMAN: The only member of his crew elevated above chorister status
THE DUTCHMAN: Cursed to wander the seas until he finds a loyal wife
CHORUS OF VILLAGE WOMEN
MARY: (see Steerman)
SENTA: Daland's daughter, a bit touched in the head, really
ERIK: A hunter, in love with Senta, though it's hard to say why
CHORUS OF DOOMED SAILORS: the Dutchman's crew
ACT I:
[At sea: the crew of The Deadliest Catch is struggling in the aftermath of a freak storm that blew them off course just as they were arriving home.]
CHORUS OF FISHERMEN:
We're all gonna die! [Frenzied boat-related activities. The storm fades away.]
Oh, guess not. Where the hell are we?
DALAND: [Peering through spyglass] Even though by rights I should have no clue where we are, we're conveniently by an easy-to-spot landmark, so we'll be home again tomorrow. Good work, men, everyone hit the hay.
[Everyone prepares to go down below.]
Oh no, not you, Steerman, you've got watch.
STEERMAN:
I guess this is the price I pay for having a quasi-named part.
[Everyone goes to bed, leaving the Steerman alone on deck.]
Well, since I've got the stage to myself and a couple thousand people are listening, I'll sing a song.
[Sings sweet love song about his girl back home.]
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute, this has verses. Are you sure this is Wagner?
STEERMAN: I know! And I'm even a lovely lyric tenor! [dozes off]
AUDIENCE: Wow, if this no-name character has such beautiful tone, I can't wait to hear Erik.
[Out of nowhere, a honking huge sailing ship with red sails appears, mere feet away from Daland's ship.]
SAILORS IN THE AUDIENCE: Holy crap, you never want to be unexpectedly next to something that big.
NON-SAILORS IN THE AUDIENCE: Nice effects work!
[the Dutchman comes on deck]
DUTCHMAN: It sucks to be me.
AUDIENCE: *nods sympathetically*
DUTCHMAN: It really sucks to be me.
AUDIENCE: I'm sure it does.
DUTCHMAN: Do you know how much it sucks to be me?
AUDIENCE: No, but I expect you're about to tell us...
DUTCHMAN: It sucks bad.
AUDIENCE: OK, this is Wagner after all.
DUTCHMAN: My existence is endless suffering.
NON-WAGNER FAN SEASON TICKET HOLDERS: Like this monologue?
DUTCHMAN: It has never sucked to be anyone as much as it sucks to be me.
AUDIENCE: ...
DUTCHMAN: I can't crash the boat, even pirates are scared of me.
AUDIENCE: *wishes they'd had time to pee before the overture*
DUTCHMAN: Once every seven years I get to land and attempt to find a bride who will be faithful to me until death. And now I'm so far behind the times, I don't even know how to talk to women any more. It's a rough gig.
AUDIENCE: Now that you've reached the point, can we go on with the story?
DUTCHMAN: [flings self to deck in despair]
RING FANS IN THE AUDIENCE: aww, Wotan the Dutchman needs a hug.
[Day breaks, Daland and his crew awaken.]
DALAND: Looking good, home today, guys! [Turns around, spots ship, does exaggerated double-take.]
AUDIENCE: Huzzah, comic relief!
DALAND: Yo, Steerman, why was I not informed of this?
STEERMAN: [Startles awake, sings a bit of his song.] Everything's fine, Cap'n!
[He turns and joins the rest of the crew in goggling at the ship.]
Oh... Shit. I fail.
DALAND: You over there! Who are you?
DUTCHMAN: I'm... from Holland. Can I stay at your place for a while? Look, I've got heaps of treasure.
DALAND: [Tries not to drool on the treasure. Almost succeeds] Sure, sure, stay as long as you want. We sailors have to look out for each other.
DUTCHMAN: How kind of you! Say, do you have a daughter?
DALAND: Why yes, I do, and she's of marriageable age!
DUTCHMAN: How ... convenient. It's so sad, I have no family to leave this treasure to.
DALAND: [Wiping drool off of his chin] Well, she really loves her daddy, so I'm sure that will make her a faithful wife. If you like her, you can marry her right away! Just follow us back to port.
[They sail off.]
ACT II:
[Back in the village, the women are passing the time while waiting for the fishermen to return by having a stitch and bitch]
CHORUS OF VILLAGE WOMEN: Needlework is so much fun! I wish the guys would come home.
[Senta stands in the back of the room, staring at a large portrait of Telramund Wotan the Dutchman they happen to have hanging around.]
MARY: Hey, Senta, do your share!
CHORUS OF VILLAGE WOMEN: She's not worried, her boyfriend's not at sea, he's a hunter. Ha, ha! I bet he's jealous of that painting. Maybe he'll shoot it off the wall, we really could use some excitement around here.
SENTA: He's just so sad! Mary, sing us the ballad.
MARY: No way, you're starting to freak me out.
SENTA: Well, then, I'll sing it myself. [Activity ceases as the women settle in to listen.]
Poor, poor Dutchman. It sucks to be him.
It really sucks to be him.
AUDIENCE: Not this again...
SENTA: It sucks so bad, but someday he'll find the woman who will end the curse.
AUDIENCE: Actually, this is rather pretty and has verses, too.
CHORUS OF VILLAGE WOMEN: *joins in on final verse*
AUDIENCE: Damn, Wagner could write for a capella women's chorus. This is better than the wedding song from Lohengrin!
SENTA: I hope that woman is ME!
MARY and CHORUS OF VILLAGE WOMEN: Don't you think you're taking this a little far? It's just a story. ... Hey, the boat's back, let's go bring the men a picnic and have a party!
[Exeunt all except Senta, who is staring at the portrait again.]
[Erik arrives, looking worried.]
ERIK: Senta, your father's home and I'm afraid he'll marry you off. And I'm too poor, I'm sure he'll reject my offer of marriage.
SENTA: Hmm?
ERIK: I said I want to marry you! When I ask your dad, you'll tell him you want to marry me, right?
AUDIENCE: Damn. Guess we were wrong about his voice.
SENTA: Hmm? Oh, I've got to go. Daddy's home.
ERIK: Stop looking at that damn portrait and listen! I had a dream that your dad wanted to marry you off to the Dutchman and you went away on his boat forever. It's a warning!
SENTA: Wow, what a cool dream! That would rock.
ERIK: Argh! Just promise you'll talk to your dad for me, OK? I'm outta here.
[Erik leaves, forgetting his hat.]
SENTA: That would be so awesome! Time to go see Daddy.
[As she prepares to go out, Daland and the Dutchman arrive. Senta and the Dutchman freeze and stare at each other across the room.]
DALAND: I'm home, sweetie! And look, I brought a friend! He's really quite rich, look at this great stuff he gave us! He's gonna stay here, OK?
[Senta and the Dutchman keep staring.]
DALAND: He's loaded! And all alone! If you like him, maybe you can get married! I suggest a wedding date of tomorrow.
[Senta and the Dutchman keep staring.]
DALAND: Well, I'll just leave you two lovebirds alone. [goes out.]
[Senta and the Dutchman keep staring.]
AUDIENCE: Wow, he wasn't kidding when he said he didn't know how to talk to girls.
[They snap out of it.]
DUTCHMAN: I had a dream about her! She's the one I've been looking for!
SENTA: He looks so sad and lonely. As if... it sucks... to be him... Hmmm...
DUTCHMAN: Will you marry me and be true unto death?
SENTA: Yes, I know all about fidelity.
AUDIENCE: *cough*Erik*cough*
DUTCHMAN: At last I find my redemption!
SENTA: All my life I've dreamed of marrying a demon-cursed enigmatic weirdo, and here he is!
[As they start to kiss, Daland returns.]
DALAND: Hey, you crazy kids, it's time for the party. Are we celebrating an engagement? Yes? Excellent, now I'm rich! [As they start to leave, he finds Erik's hat and turns to the audience with a "this, my friends, is foreshadowing" look.]
RING FANS IN THE AUDIENCE: You know, the last time I saw these two people on stage together, they played father and daughter, which makes this a little creepy.
REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Wait, you don't already think it's creepy that she's marrying someone she met ten minutes ago?
ACT III:
[At the docks. The Dutchman's ship is moored next to Daland's, whose crew is partying. The Steerman is either napping or passed out drunk from the shock of the encounter with the creeptastic ship.]
CHORUS OF FISHERMEN: Wake up, Steerman, there's a boat! Ha-ha looo-ser!
[Village Women arrive and pair up with Fishermen. Everyone has a good time except the Steerman, who has awakened and wishes he were even drunker.]
CHORUS OF VILLAGE WOMEN: Where are all the guys from the other ship? Don't they want to eat? Or drink? Or dance with us pretty girls?
CHORUS OF FISHERMEN: They're all ghosts! Ha, ha, ha! Their sweethearts long dead! Ho, ho, ho!
CHORUSES OF VILLAGE WOMEN AND FISHERMEN: Hee, hee, that wacky crew! More for us, then!
[Partying resumes.]
ORCHESTRA: Here comes some bad shit.
CHORUS OF DOOMED SAILORS: We wish we could die. Every seven hears he tries to get lucky, and he always fails. Back so soon, Cap'n? No girl? Sucks to be you, but sucks even more to be us.
[Village Women flee in terror. Fishermen are too drunk to be so sensible.]
CHORUS OF FISHERMEN: Whoa, we didn't really think they were ghosts! They're scary, let's sing our song and drown them out.
[Doomed Sailors and Fishermen sing their respective songs while things get crazier and crazier in the orchestra.]
AUDIENCE: This is possibly the creepiest thing I've ever heard. Stupid Wagner deciding choruses were insufficiently "dramatic," because his choral writing kicks ass and takes names.
[Fishermen give up and flee while the orchestra calms back down.]
[Enter Senta, carrying a suitcase. She stares at the ship.]
SENTA: Ah, my beloved. Demon-cursed? Check. Enigmatic? Check. Weirdo? Check, check, check.
[Enter Erik.]
ERIK: You whore! How can you marry someone you only met today?
SENTA: Demon-cursed! Enigmatic! Weirdo! Sucks to be him!
[Unseen by the others, the Dutchman arrives and listens in.]
ERIK: Remember that afternoon when I picked you flowers and we held hands? Wasn't that a promise?
SENTA: But... I...
DUTCHMAN: You whore! Can't you even stay faithful for a day?
SENTA: But... I...
[The rest of the cast trickles in to watch the final showdown.]
DUTCHMAN: You were my last hope, now I'm doomed to wander forever. But at least you won't burn in Hell since we didn't actually get married yet. Lucky you.
SENTA: But... I...
DUTCHMAN: [Boards his ship, sets sail.] So long, bitch.
SENTA: [Runs to edge of cliff dock.] See here your redemption, I'm true unto death! *fling!*
OCEAN: *sploosh*
DUTCHMAN'S SHIP: *vanishes*
VILLAGERS: *freak out*
ORCHESTRA: *plays redemption theme*
HARPIST: Wagner, you asshole, I had to sit around all night since the end of the overture just to play these last three minutes. Thank God I can read down here.
DUTCHMAN AND SENTA: *united in death, finally smooch*
AUDIENCE: Awwww.
CURTAIN
In collaboration with kathrynt. Asshat Opera Company by wrog, with apologies to Cleolinda of m15m.