(no subject)
So I've been feeling pretty conflicted recently. Mainly about the male sex. And sex in general. I was so close to just setting myself a goal of getting laid within the next 3 weeks (that was my deadline before I get back to NM), and I would just throw myself at random hot passersby. Just because I'm so sexually frustrated. But I didn't. Instead I had a chat with one of the two hookups that I had this year. He has a girlfriend now. When he told me that, my stomach kinda just sunk. I was happy for him, I really was, but I think I was just sad that I didn't have anything. Even the other boy that I had hooked up with this year has a semi-girlfriend. And then it finally occurred to me that I'm a loser. I'm practically a waste of a human being.
Maybe I'm exaggerating. But it still doesn't changed how confused I am by it all. I remember when I used to randomly hookup with people in highschool and it wouldn't be a big deal at all. And now that I can't even do that in college and THAT'S the big deal, makes me feel like something may be a little wrong. And I'm not quite sure what it is.
The last person to touch me was Shaun. And the last person I touched was Alan. Techinically Alan was the last one to touch me, but it wasn't like he chose me, it kinda just happened. Shaun chose to touch me. And I chose to touch Alan. Boy, I'm a whore. But anyways, both occasions were over Winter Break, which wasn't so long ago, but it has been awhile. And I didn't have sex on either occasion. But anyways. I feel unwanted. And while normally I don't care whether I'm actually wanted... I want to feel... something. I don't know. I'm just retarded.
I've been having these weird and bizarre dreams lately, and all of them seem to involve really attractive boys from my writing the essay class. And that's just crazy. And they're really intense. And very graphic. And most of the time feel very real. And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to make of them.
Someone please help me.
Maybe I'm exaggerating. But it still doesn't changed how confused I am by it all. I remember when I used to randomly hookup with people in highschool and it wouldn't be a big deal at all. And now that I can't even do that in college and THAT'S the big deal, makes me feel like something may be a little wrong. And I'm not quite sure what it is.
The last person to touch me was Shaun. And the last person I touched was Alan. Techinically Alan was the last one to touch me, but it wasn't like he chose me, it kinda just happened. Shaun chose to touch me. And I chose to touch Alan. Boy, I'm a whore. But anyways, both occasions were over Winter Break, which wasn't so long ago, but it has been awhile. And I didn't have sex on either occasion. But anyways. I feel unwanted. And while normally I don't care whether I'm actually wanted... I want to feel... something. I don't know. I'm just retarded.
I've been having these weird and bizarre dreams lately, and all of them seem to involve really attractive boys from my writing the essay class. And that's just crazy. And they're really intense. And very graphic. And most of the time feel very real. And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to make of them.
Someone please help me.