Learning how to Live.
Author: emocezi
Title: Learning how to Live.
Rating: R
Wordcount: 2268
Pairing/Fandom: The Losers/Torchwood (Jensen/Jack Harkness)
Disclaimer: I do now own The Losers or Torchwood nor do I make a profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: I finally watched CoE(Children of Earth) last night and got attacked by this plot bunny because of how the Losers comic ends. So be warned, there are spoilers in here for the end of the comic. Also, this is really fucking angsty.
“You look like a man with nothing left to live for.” Jensen turned to regard the speaker. Tall, good facial structure, bright blue eyes, short brown hair. The former hacker shrugged and went back to his double scotch, wondering if this would be the drink that made him forget Cougar's last stand, or Clay's fiery revenge driven death. “Come on now, who died?”
“Everyone.”
“I know how that feels.” The man settled at his elbow and held a hand up to signal the bartender for his own glass. “I know exactly how that feels.”
“If you know how it feels, why are you still bothering me?” Jensen growled, throwing back the scotch and welcoming the burn. He slammed his glass down on the counter. “Hit me again.” He demanded.
“I think you've had about enough.” The bartender mentioned casually, having seen this type far too often, thinking they had problems they needed to drink away rather then facing up to reality, which was never as bad as they thought.
“I watched 25 kids burn to death because of the government that pays for your liquor license. I fought against the man that's eating this country from the inside like a god damned cancer. I lost everything to him before he died. Everyone. Give me the fucking bottle, or I'll come over this bar and take it from you.”
“Okay, jesus, fucking drink yourself into a coma.” The bartender pushed the bottle at Jensen and rushed down to the other end to pretend he was washing glasses.
“I lost my team to aliens.” Jensen rolled his eyes and poured two shots of scotch, sliding one glass over to the stranger that still hadn't gotten the hint. The former hacker held up his glass and waited for the man in the blue coat to clink it with his own.
“Of course you did, because clearly I'm not having a shitty enough life after Cougar decided I wasn't worth living for. So now I have to listen to you ramble on about aliens. Fucking cheers to that.”
“Captain Jack Harkness.”
“Corporal Jake Jensen.” Jensen stared down at his glass, shrugged and took a swig directly from the bottle.
“Jack and Jake. Sounds like a song I used to know the words to.”
“That's fan-fucking-tastic Captain. Look, there's some nice ladies over there that have been giving you the sex-eye since you walked in here. Why don't you go bother them, because I plan to get shitfaced and walk off a bridge.” Jensen saluted him with the bottle, slapped a handful of bills on the counter and headed for the exit.
“Life doesn't end with their deaths.” Jack called after the retreating Corporal. “I can show you things you'd never believe.”
“Fuck off Captain.” Jensen slapped the door open and stepped into the freezing night air, feeling a phantom arm wrap around his shoulders, Cougar's phantom weight stumbling against his body. He shook his head, trying to keep the hysterical laughter from bubbling out of his throat.
“Hey, you'll probably end up walking into traffic.” An arm was thrown over his shoulder and phantom Cougar vanished, leaving Jensen shuddering with loss all over again.
“Get off me.” He drank from the bottle again, glaring at the other man who didn't seem to understand the word no. “I already told you, I was planning on walking off the bridge. You step into traffic you'll just end up in the hospital with a broken leg and a crushed pelvis. This bridge though, the height alone would kill you. Hitting the water is like falling onto cement from fifty feet up. And if the impact doesn't kill you right off, the cold will do it.”
“Done your research have you?” Jack wound an arm around Jensen's shoulder's again and wondering what Ianto would say, seeing him all cozied up like this to a drunk soldier who had twice as many issues as he did.
“Cougs would kick my ass if I ate a bullet. At least this way I can tell him I was drunk and lost my glasses and thought it was the pedway.” Jensen smiled suddenly, a blinding thing that had Jack wondering what he was like before his life had apparently gone to shit. “He'd get a kick out of that, it's almost happened before.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Fuck no, I don't trust myself.”
“Fair enough. Will you give me a chance to prove that life is still worth living without them, without him?”
“You had one too? Love of your life, super hot guy you could spend hours just watching, wondering when he was going to come to his senses and leave you for some blonde bimbo with fake tits. What was his name?”
“Ianto.”
“Yanto? What kind of name is that?”
“He was Welsh. What kind of a name is Cougs?”
“Heh. Touche. Carrrlos.” Jensen rolled his 'r', making the name sound far more exotic then it was. “No one ever knew where the name Cougar came from, but he was pretty much like a big cat, all prowly and watching you like you belonged to him before you knew it yourself. He could be a bastard, always got pissy when I had guns pointed at me, like I was some kind of damsel in distress. Do I look like a damsel to you?” Jack took his time looking over the six feet of solid muscle and shook his head. “Exactly. I loved him, like I've never loved another human being. Never told him though, I should have, but I always figured he knew. Plus he would have called me a complete girl.”
“I wish I'd said it more to Ianto. I should have kissed him before he died. He was trying to talk and I thought that maybe, just maybe I could have saved him. He told me he loved me before he went, that's something at least. Isn't it?”
“Yeah. Yeah it is. Fucking bastards, leaving us alone. Cougs fucking knows I get into trouble when left to my own devices. He left me his hat. You don't ever touch the hat, but I got to. I always got to.” Jensen smiled, watery and sad, not realizing that there were tears sliding down his cheeks until Jack brushed one away with his thumb. “Fuck, I'm leaking again.” Jack snorted humorlessly, wrapping his arm around Jensen again as they walked, taking and giving comfort.
“Do you trust me Jake?”
“You know what, I've got nothing else to lose. Why the fuck not. Yes, I trust you, do your worst.” Jack smiled, leaning forward to press a light kiss to Jensen's lips.
“I've got a quick stop to make over in Wales. Come with me?”
“You've completely ruined my plans to meet up with Cougar in the afterlife by walking off a bridge. Fucking Wales, why the fuck not.”
XxX XxX
“I've been too many places, the world just isn't big enough.” Jensen stood, watching the pregnant woman fawn over Jack like she had some kind of hold on him, like he hadn't lost the most important thing in his life.
“But you can't go. You have to stay.”
“What for?”
“For me Jack. For me.”
“Gwen...I can't. I haven't traveled far enough yet. Got a lot of dirt to shake off my shoes. And right now, there's a cold-fusion cruiser surfing the ion reefs just at the edge of the solar system, just waiting to open its transport dock. And we're going up there, into the stars.”
“We?”
“This is Jake Jensen, he's coming with me.” Jake lifted a hand, giving a little wave and going back to staring at the sky and wondering if his team was up there somewhere, watching him. Cougar was probably fleecing everyone out of their money, Clay talking an angel out of her cute, little, white toga. Maybe Roque was there too, maybe he'd finally made up with Clay. He took a shaky breath, wondering if it was still too late to find a bridge to jump off of.
Time heals all wounds. What a crock of absolute bullshit. It never stopped hurting, and he wasn't sure if it ever would, because right now it still felt like someone had carved out his heart and gave it to Cougar so it could burn up with him. Stupid fucker, going up in a flash of death and glory and leaving Jensen behind with the hard part. Living.
“You ready to go?” Jake looked over at Jack, and something in his expression must have tipped the pregnant lady off because she gave him a funny expression.
“You can't just run. Either of you, your problems won't just go away.”
“We can run Gwen. Just watch us.” Jack wound an arm around Jensen's waist and twitched his lips up in something that resembled a smile. “Hang on, this might get bumpy.” And then everything turned shimmery and white.
XxX XxX
He got seventy years since he'd opened his eyes on the cold fusion cruiser. Time was different up there because each species had a different idea of days, minutes, years. Some of them were the best years he'd ever had, and some were the worst. But Jack had been right, life went on, even after someone you though you couldn't live without died.
Jensen had never slept with Jack. Sure he'd held Jack when he needed comfort and been held when his own nightmares got to be too much. But they'd never had sex. At first it had seemed too soon, too disrespectful, and then, it just didn't seem to matter. Jack slept with anything that would have him, even Jensen could see it was a coping mechanism to living for so long. A way to still feel alive through others.
He's seen Jack die thousands of times over the years. Sometimes by a silly accident, sometimes through revenge or anger on someone else's part. But he always came back, and Jensen had never taken it as anything less then a curse inflicted by some cruel God with too much time on it's hands and a stupid sense of humor.
“You know what. This isn't fucking fair.” Jensen said quietly, staring up at the ceiling of the medi-ship they were in. Jack was holding his hand, eyes glued to holographic monitor that carried Jensen's heartbeat.
“I've learned that the hard way kid, life is never fair.”
“What are you gonna do now? Where are you gonna go?”
“I don't know.” Jack's smile was watery. “I might head to the Lotus Galaxy for a few decades now that I don't have your ass glued to me. I remember the first time I took you there and you shouted out that the hooker on the corner had space-aids so the entire street could hear you.”
“He was covered in boils and they were moving, and don't you try and tell me they were budding tentacles.” Jensen snorted to himself and then spent the next few minutes coughing. “Space-aids. I'm awesome.” He yawned suddenly.
“Go to sleep Jensen.”
“But what if he's not there? What if I'm alone?”
“He'll be there, I promise.”
“If I end up alone, I'm coming back to ghost-cockblock you for the rest of forever.” Jensen murmured, his eyes growing heavy. He could feel his body starting to shut down and smiled at the feeling of Jack's hand on his forehead. He squeezed the fingers that intertwined with his.
“He'll be there.” Jack leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Jensen's forehead. “I love you Jensen.”
“Love you back Harkness.” His speech was getting slurred now and Jensen forced his eyes open one last time. “I'll look for Ianto. I'll tell him you said hi.”
“Thank you.” Jensen smiled and his eyes drifted closed. After a moment the monitor flatlined and Jack took a moment to breathe, trying not to feel as if he was suddenly set adrift in a sea of misery and grief and terribly loneliness.
XxX XxX
There was a plain white door at the end of a plain white hallway. Nothing special or spectacular about either. Jensen took a breath, wiped his suddenly sweaty palms on his pants and turned the knob.
He ended up on a beach, watching the sun set and listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. There was no one in sight for miles and for a moment Jensen hated Jack for lying until he noticed the footprints that led around a small copse of trees.
He followed them, trying to crush the sense of hope that fluttered in his chest. Hope was deadly, though seeing as he was already dead, it didn't seem to matter. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of the small shack and the man sitting in front of it, cowboy hat pulled low over his eyes to shade them from the sun.
Jensen swallowed, taking shaky steps towards the lounge chair until he was standing over the man, casting a shadow. There was a pause then Cougar looked up at him, slow smile spreading across his mouth.
“You're late.”
“Traffic was a bitch.”
Title: Learning how to Live.
Rating: R
Wordcount: 2268
Pairing/Fandom: The Losers/Torchwood (Jensen/Jack Harkness)
Disclaimer: I do now own The Losers or Torchwood nor do I make a profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: I finally watched CoE(Children of Earth) last night and got attacked by this plot bunny because of how the Losers comic ends. So be warned, there are spoilers in here for the end of the comic. Also, this is really fucking angsty.
“You look like a man with nothing left to live for.” Jensen turned to regard the speaker. Tall, good facial structure, bright blue eyes, short brown hair. The former hacker shrugged and went back to his double scotch, wondering if this would be the drink that made him forget Cougar's last stand, or Clay's fiery revenge driven death. “Come on now, who died?”
“Everyone.”
“I know how that feels.” The man settled at his elbow and held a hand up to signal the bartender for his own glass. “I know exactly how that feels.”
“If you know how it feels, why are you still bothering me?” Jensen growled, throwing back the scotch and welcoming the burn. He slammed his glass down on the counter. “Hit me again.” He demanded.
“I think you've had about enough.” The bartender mentioned casually, having seen this type far too often, thinking they had problems they needed to drink away rather then facing up to reality, which was never as bad as they thought.
“I watched 25 kids burn to death because of the government that pays for your liquor license. I fought against the man that's eating this country from the inside like a god damned cancer. I lost everything to him before he died. Everyone. Give me the fucking bottle, or I'll come over this bar and take it from you.”
“Okay, jesus, fucking drink yourself into a coma.” The bartender pushed the bottle at Jensen and rushed down to the other end to pretend he was washing glasses.
“I lost my team to aliens.” Jensen rolled his eyes and poured two shots of scotch, sliding one glass over to the stranger that still hadn't gotten the hint. The former hacker held up his glass and waited for the man in the blue coat to clink it with his own.
“Of course you did, because clearly I'm not having a shitty enough life after Cougar decided I wasn't worth living for. So now I have to listen to you ramble on about aliens. Fucking cheers to that.”
“Captain Jack Harkness.”
“Corporal Jake Jensen.” Jensen stared down at his glass, shrugged and took a swig directly from the bottle.
“Jack and Jake. Sounds like a song I used to know the words to.”
“That's fan-fucking-tastic Captain. Look, there's some nice ladies over there that have been giving you the sex-eye since you walked in here. Why don't you go bother them, because I plan to get shitfaced and walk off a bridge.” Jensen saluted him with the bottle, slapped a handful of bills on the counter and headed for the exit.
“Life doesn't end with their deaths.” Jack called after the retreating Corporal. “I can show you things you'd never believe.”
“Fuck off Captain.” Jensen slapped the door open and stepped into the freezing night air, feeling a phantom arm wrap around his shoulders, Cougar's phantom weight stumbling against his body. He shook his head, trying to keep the hysterical laughter from bubbling out of his throat.
“Hey, you'll probably end up walking into traffic.” An arm was thrown over his shoulder and phantom Cougar vanished, leaving Jensen shuddering with loss all over again.
“Get off me.” He drank from the bottle again, glaring at the other man who didn't seem to understand the word no. “I already told you, I was planning on walking off the bridge. You step into traffic you'll just end up in the hospital with a broken leg and a crushed pelvis. This bridge though, the height alone would kill you. Hitting the water is like falling onto cement from fifty feet up. And if the impact doesn't kill you right off, the cold will do it.”
“Done your research have you?” Jack wound an arm around Jensen's shoulder's again and wondering what Ianto would say, seeing him all cozied up like this to a drunk soldier who had twice as many issues as he did.
“Cougs would kick my ass if I ate a bullet. At least this way I can tell him I was drunk and lost my glasses and thought it was the pedway.” Jensen smiled suddenly, a blinding thing that had Jack wondering what he was like before his life had apparently gone to shit. “He'd get a kick out of that, it's almost happened before.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Fuck no, I don't trust myself.”
“Fair enough. Will you give me a chance to prove that life is still worth living without them, without him?”
“You had one too? Love of your life, super hot guy you could spend hours just watching, wondering when he was going to come to his senses and leave you for some blonde bimbo with fake tits. What was his name?”
“Ianto.”
“Yanto? What kind of name is that?”
“He was Welsh. What kind of a name is Cougs?”
“Heh. Touche. Carrrlos.” Jensen rolled his 'r', making the name sound far more exotic then it was. “No one ever knew where the name Cougar came from, but he was pretty much like a big cat, all prowly and watching you like you belonged to him before you knew it yourself. He could be a bastard, always got pissy when I had guns pointed at me, like I was some kind of damsel in distress. Do I look like a damsel to you?” Jack took his time looking over the six feet of solid muscle and shook his head. “Exactly. I loved him, like I've never loved another human being. Never told him though, I should have, but I always figured he knew. Plus he would have called me a complete girl.”
“I wish I'd said it more to Ianto. I should have kissed him before he died. He was trying to talk and I thought that maybe, just maybe I could have saved him. He told me he loved me before he went, that's something at least. Isn't it?”
“Yeah. Yeah it is. Fucking bastards, leaving us alone. Cougs fucking knows I get into trouble when left to my own devices. He left me his hat. You don't ever touch the hat, but I got to. I always got to.” Jensen smiled, watery and sad, not realizing that there were tears sliding down his cheeks until Jack brushed one away with his thumb. “Fuck, I'm leaking again.” Jack snorted humorlessly, wrapping his arm around Jensen again as they walked, taking and giving comfort.
“Do you trust me Jake?”
“You know what, I've got nothing else to lose. Why the fuck not. Yes, I trust you, do your worst.” Jack smiled, leaning forward to press a light kiss to Jensen's lips.
“I've got a quick stop to make over in Wales. Come with me?”
“You've completely ruined my plans to meet up with Cougar in the afterlife by walking off a bridge. Fucking Wales, why the fuck not.”
XxX XxX
“I've been too many places, the world just isn't big enough.” Jensen stood, watching the pregnant woman fawn over Jack like she had some kind of hold on him, like he hadn't lost the most important thing in his life.
“But you can't go. You have to stay.”
“What for?”
“For me Jack. For me.”
“Gwen...I can't. I haven't traveled far enough yet. Got a lot of dirt to shake off my shoes. And right now, there's a cold-fusion cruiser surfing the ion reefs just at the edge of the solar system, just waiting to open its transport dock. And we're going up there, into the stars.”
“We?”
“This is Jake Jensen, he's coming with me.” Jake lifted a hand, giving a little wave and going back to staring at the sky and wondering if his team was up there somewhere, watching him. Cougar was probably fleecing everyone out of their money, Clay talking an angel out of her cute, little, white toga. Maybe Roque was there too, maybe he'd finally made up with Clay. He took a shaky breath, wondering if it was still too late to find a bridge to jump off of.
Time heals all wounds. What a crock of absolute bullshit. It never stopped hurting, and he wasn't sure if it ever would, because right now it still felt like someone had carved out his heart and gave it to Cougar so it could burn up with him. Stupid fucker, going up in a flash of death and glory and leaving Jensen behind with the hard part. Living.
“You ready to go?” Jake looked over at Jack, and something in his expression must have tipped the pregnant lady off because she gave him a funny expression.
“You can't just run. Either of you, your problems won't just go away.”
“We can run Gwen. Just watch us.” Jack wound an arm around Jensen's waist and twitched his lips up in something that resembled a smile. “Hang on, this might get bumpy.” And then everything turned shimmery and white.
XxX XxX
He got seventy years since he'd opened his eyes on the cold fusion cruiser. Time was different up there because each species had a different idea of days, minutes, years. Some of them were the best years he'd ever had, and some were the worst. But Jack had been right, life went on, even after someone you though you couldn't live without died.
Jensen had never slept with Jack. Sure he'd held Jack when he needed comfort and been held when his own nightmares got to be too much. But they'd never had sex. At first it had seemed too soon, too disrespectful, and then, it just didn't seem to matter. Jack slept with anything that would have him, even Jensen could see it was a coping mechanism to living for so long. A way to still feel alive through others.
He's seen Jack die thousands of times over the years. Sometimes by a silly accident, sometimes through revenge or anger on someone else's part. But he always came back, and Jensen had never taken it as anything less then a curse inflicted by some cruel God with too much time on it's hands and a stupid sense of humor.
“You know what. This isn't fucking fair.” Jensen said quietly, staring up at the ceiling of the medi-ship they were in. Jack was holding his hand, eyes glued to holographic monitor that carried Jensen's heartbeat.
“I've learned that the hard way kid, life is never fair.”
“What are you gonna do now? Where are you gonna go?”
“I don't know.” Jack's smile was watery. “I might head to the Lotus Galaxy for a few decades now that I don't have your ass glued to me. I remember the first time I took you there and you shouted out that the hooker on the corner had space-aids so the entire street could hear you.”
“He was covered in boils and they were moving, and don't you try and tell me they were budding tentacles.” Jensen snorted to himself and then spent the next few minutes coughing. “Space-aids. I'm awesome.” He yawned suddenly.
“Go to sleep Jensen.”
“But what if he's not there? What if I'm alone?”
“He'll be there, I promise.”
“If I end up alone, I'm coming back to ghost-cockblock you for the rest of forever.” Jensen murmured, his eyes growing heavy. He could feel his body starting to shut down and smiled at the feeling of Jack's hand on his forehead. He squeezed the fingers that intertwined with his.
“He'll be there.” Jack leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Jensen's forehead. “I love you Jensen.”
“Love you back Harkness.” His speech was getting slurred now and Jensen forced his eyes open one last time. “I'll look for Ianto. I'll tell him you said hi.”
“Thank you.” Jensen smiled and his eyes drifted closed. After a moment the monitor flatlined and Jack took a moment to breathe, trying not to feel as if he was suddenly set adrift in a sea of misery and grief and terribly loneliness.
XxX XxX
There was a plain white door at the end of a plain white hallway. Nothing special or spectacular about either. Jensen took a breath, wiped his suddenly sweaty palms on his pants and turned the knob.
He ended up on a beach, watching the sun set and listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. There was no one in sight for miles and for a moment Jensen hated Jack for lying until he noticed the footprints that led around a small copse of trees.
He followed them, trying to crush the sense of hope that fluttered in his chest. Hope was deadly, though seeing as he was already dead, it didn't seem to matter. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of the small shack and the man sitting in front of it, cowboy hat pulled low over his eyes to shade them from the sun.
Jensen swallowed, taking shaky steps towards the lounge chair until he was standing over the man, casting a shadow. There was a pause then Cougar looked up at him, slow smile spreading across his mouth.
“You're late.”
“Traffic was a bitch.”