(no subject)
I had three dreams today before I woke up. One of them was just a dream type of dream where you know nothing means anything... sort of like a TV show.
The second dream took me back to a year ago where it was just me and Kelly playing tennis then watching a movie then Carmen joins us and we don't really say much, just do things.
The third dream takes place in what I thought was the present because the conversations lead me to believe that. First thing that happened is I woke up (in the dream) apparently from some other dream I was having (dream #2) and said to myself "Like that could ever happen again." I got ready; breakfast, a shower, brush my teeth, then set out on the road heading up to Firestone Blvd. (I could put all the little streets but that just takes up space) then eastbound to Lakewood Avenue. As I passed Brookshire Avenue, where the highschool is, I saw three girls walking towards it. Kelly, some latina, and Christie (however you spell her name, the blond one). I kept driving by and went to Lakewood Avenue then turned left because I was heading to the mall to look for a job but when I turned left onto Lakewood I was back on Brookshire and heading into the school (logical?). I drove past the girls but Kelly called me asking if they could bum a ride to the mall so I turned the car around and asked her if she really expected me to give her the time after the whole fiasco that happened (at this point Christie just disappeared but the latina was still there). She simply replied "Yes" and I told her I might as well since I was heading there but first I got out of the car and looked around the school for something. I stumbled into what I think was the new Yearbook room and saw a bunch of kids fumbling around not really doing anything. I went back to the car and Kelly got in the drivers seat saying "You know I haven't driven in like three years." "That's funny, because last year I let you drive my car, you know." The latina got in the back seat and we were off. The last thing I said was "I trust you."
I woke up and started thinking about it all...
Last year was the best summer I ever had. I was always out gone doing something and having the time of my life. Drinking, talking, driving (never under the influence of anything, not even peers) just being social. John and I were never closer friends than we were last summer and that's when things started falling apart between me and him. He got into the whole scene of womenhood and the seduction of the female and then mixed it in with alcohol... well let's just say my new committments to a sober life made it hard for us to be friends. Carmen and I were never a close kind of friend. Basically, she throws me into her closet and hangs up a few skeletons for me to learn about her but you could tell she never would give me a second thought if one of her girl friends were to talk to her and listen as well as I did. Dave and me were starting to be friends too, mainly over a video game known as Diablo (you could play online with other people) but I quit the game early in the summer and moved our friendship to the plane of real life. I was still trying to fix myself and he was a hella good mental mechanic. He inspired me somehow, I don't know how because my memory is shit, but he did. If you don't believe me, look at how improved I am. I'm no longer who you used to know. I don't know if I'm better, but I think it's for the best. Then there was the whole issue of Kelly. In a way I guess I was trying to imitate her because her life was pretty damn carefree. Her biggest worry every day was where she would go and if she could get out of the house. Her parents were laid back and her sisters had the same complex life she did so I guess I always wanted that in a way. Oh yeah, I had a small crush on her that lasted for about two days towards the end of that school year (right around beginning of 4th quarter) which lasted as long as it did because I realized I didn't really like her in that way, more of just a friend that you could just let loose with (NO YOU PERVERTS). I asked Kelly how she always stayed so positive and was always enjoying herself and she told me that she just doesn't think about anything. If someone were to blow up a car, she would brush it off the side like it never happened (even if it was her car). I sort of picked up that from her and for all my junior year I just didn't think. It was hella easy to get through stuff but sometimes things just happened that caught me. Sometimes I was just snared down, you know?
So here I am this summer, thinking again. Know what I realized? There's no way you can block out life no matter how hard you try. There's always something that's going to make you need to critically think and make a moment in your life. I mean, hell, you all know what happened to Kelly. Obviously she got snared by something too.
And something that I feel horrible about (I'm not looking at the keyboard or screen for this one). I told myself at the beginning of the summer to be more social and be open with other people.... and I was at the beginning. I had atalk with Carmen and she told me that I was leading Sarah on so I just went on a complete mental and social lockdown.... I know it's stupid but I just don't want anyone attached...
Look, I feel rotten, but I remember for one moment I compared Sarah to Kelly and I asked myself "What's the difference between the two?" and I made a mental list. Only a few good things came out of that list and the greater good was that I admitted Sarah accepted herself, the other didn't.
I WANT TO STOP THINKING BUT I WON'T.