my non fiction piece
please read and leave comments, criticism, etc. this is due friday so please read asap! thanks and enjoy!
E. VanGraafeiland
Creative Writing Period 3
Mr. Flash
May 7, 2004
Narrative
Choices, Choices, Choices
We drove down the familiar streets, but to me, I was lost. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing.
My mind raced thinking, “What am I doing? Should I speak up? Is this a trap?”
We turned a corner. I held my breath and asked, “Would you be pissed if I couldn’t do this?”
He said, “I wouldn’t be mad, but disappointed. But we can just go there and relax. You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
And that made me feel better.
It wasn’t going to be my first time doing this. It wasn’t going to be a new experience for me, but at the same time I didn’t know what to expect. I was worried for myself and if it was going to be safe.
I didn’t know him very well at all and we had messed around before, but now I had given him all of my trust and I didn’t want him to take advantage of that. He was older than I was and for all I knew he was a pedophile or a criminal. I thought of all the worst scenarios that could happen. He could rape me and murder me. I could be getting kidnapped. I glanced at him and he smiled back; He had such an innocent smile. It was going to be fine. I kept running everything through my head. “We’ll go there, hang out, and mess around, maybe have sex, and leave.”
I must have said that to myself about fifty times, each time breathing harder and feeling more nervous than the last. At one time I told myself out loud to relax. I wish I could have.
He pulled the car into the parking lot. I asked him, “So do you take many girls to hotels?”
He smiled and said, “Well actually, you’re my first.”
We went inside and he had already checked in so he walked me to the elevator. He pushed the “up” arrow and then proceeded to press “2”. I looked straight forward and told myself, “So this is it, here we go.”
In the hotel room a bed, a window, a table, a dresser, a TV and a bathroom all stood in front of me.
While he used the bathroom, I took off my shoes and turned on the television. The Fabulous Life of Britney Spears was on. I kept my eyes on the TV and didn’t move. My nervousness had come back and part of me wanted to run out and scream, but I stayed there, laying on the bed, and waited to see what was going to happen.
I heard the toilet flush and my stomach tensed up. A few moments later he came out of the bathroom and I have him in what felt like a weak smile. He looked at the TV and I said, “Britney Spears.”
He nodded his head and sat down on the bed with me. He was looking at my body and examining me; I could see him from the corner of my eye. I had never felt so vulnerable. I sat there with my hands in my lap trying not to be nervous. He was still looking at me and I wanted him to stop, so I turned my head slightly so out eyes met. He got closer to my face and then his lips pressed softly against my own. My own dialogue ran through my mind. “Ok, we’re kissing. This isn’t anything new. We’ve made out before. Keep it safe, keep it safe. Relax, it’s only kissing.”
I didn’t know why I still didn’t feel comfortable with him yet, and to make things worse, he quickly reached for the remote control and shut off Ms. Spears. The silence was killing me. His lips didn’t feel good against my own. I wanted it to stop and I wanted to leave.
Well, he stopped while in attempt to take off my pants and underwear and go down on me. I told him no, but I gave him a blow job anyway. I’d do anything to get this experience over with. My thoughts had not left my head and I was still afraid that this guy I hardly knew was going to pull something on me. Every move and every word he said I carefully examined and I kept my eyes open for anything suspicious.
We ended up having sex, which I probably would have enjoyed much more if I wasn’t so paranoid. As his body was on top of me I felt smothered and helpless. I was just his toy and I knew now that I was not in danger, but I was only being used for his game. My epiphany came to me as his climaxed and collapsed onto me. I was happy he accomplished what he came for because now we could leave, but I didn’t expect to leave so soon.
As he got up to use the bathroom, I lay on the bed and got under the highly starched sheets. Mentally, I didn’t feel well, but I did feel safer and more protected with the blankets over me. I expected to cuddle and spend more time together after he came out of the bathroom, but I was wrong. I used the restroom when he came out, and when I was done, he was already halfway dressed and looking for his shirt.
I thought, “Way to be a dumbass, Emily! Hook up, helllloooo! But no strings attached, right? Right.”
I put on my clothes and helped him find his shirt. As I got dressed, I glanced in the mirror and smiled. My eyeliner was running and my curly hair had lost its bounce. When I pulled my shirt over my head and looked in the mirror again, I had lost all sense of myself.
“Who had I become? And this guy, who is he? Why did I do this?”
I ignored my self examination and walked out of the room slightly behind him. We didn’t talk. He went to the front desk and checked out and I took the car keys and went to the car. I turned on the engine and the music blasted behind me. I rolled down my window and lit a cigarette. My eyes were set on the side view mirror at the hotel entrance so I would be able to see my familiar stranger when he came out.
My legs were shaking and I tried to keep them still when he got in the car. He lit a cigarette and we drove away from our short stay at the hotel. That was in our past now.
On the way back, I recognized all the streets and where we were. I didn’t feel so afraid and I didn’t really care what was going to happen. As I was in thought he put his hand on my leg and asked, “Are you ok?”
I said, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
And we just drove with his hand on my leg, the music loud, and cigarettes in hand. For once that evening I felt safe.