Big hearts are for breaking
Title: Big hearts are for breaking
Author:emorockkid
Pairing: Ryden
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own them and the title is taking from Jack's Mannequin's "American Love"
Big Thank You to dramacrumb who did the Beta on this. *hugs*
They are laying down in their bunk, or better Brendon's bunk, and enjoy just being silent. The day was busy and hard; Spencer, Jon and also the other bus passengers had fallen asleep already.
It's only Brendon and Ryan who are still restless, listening to each other's breathe. Neither one nor the other dares to say a word or two, afraid to make the comfort disappear.
The older one shifts closer to his bandmate and allows him to sling his arms around the thin waist. It's nothing new to Ryan to be close to his best friend. It's nothing foreign to feel the fingertips crawl over his stomach or the warm breath against his neck. To have lips mumbling random things into the sensitive shell of his ear. It's something created by their friendship that Ryan doesn't want to miss.
Just as he feels his pulse calm down and almost drifts off, Brendon's hands are covering his and Ryan can feel another, faster heartbeat pounding against his spine. It makes his stomach clench painfully.
“I think I'm falling in love with you, Ryan Ross...”
The fragile boy pretends to sleep; in fact, his inside starts to panic.
**
When he wakes up in the morning and feels a weight around the upper half of his body, Ryan realizes what happened a few hours before and suddenly feels angry. He pushes Brendon away and hurries himself to get out of the bunk.
The singer wants to say something, but Ryan cuts him off with a harsh voice. “Your beard is annoying and changing clothes might help. You smell!”
He rushes out of the bus to get some fresh air and leaves Brendon alone, who doesn't see that Ryan is sinking down a tree and curses. Ryan pulls his hair and wishes he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart.
Brendon just locks himself in the small bathroom, takes an extra quarter for his washing procedure, shaves extra carefully and unwraps the new clothes he had found in the mall yesterday afternoon.
When he gets back into the bunk section, smelling like lemon and cherry, his skin softer than ever, there's a text message on his sidekick.
“Stop loving me!”
It's from Ryan.
He types back “I can't”.
**
When they are in the venue, checking the microphones and instruments, Brendon is as active and busy as ever, moves around and jokes with Spencer and Jon. Ryan seems tense when the singer is rather doing silly voices than the lyrics of „Northern Downpour“ and stays adorable and cute all the way.
Ryan stomps on his guitar amp and rips off the cables. He gives up.
“Could you please come back to reality and do some serious music?”
He rushes out of the venue into the backstage area and searches for a room where he can be alone and hides his face in his hands. Some seconds later he runs his fingers through his hair and wishes he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart.
Brendon finishes up the soundcheck with the rest of the band. And later, being on stage, he barely leaves the small carpet under his feet and concentrates on hitting the right strings on his guitar and reaching the right notes all the time. Their show has never been so perfect, but at the same time so serious and unexciting before.
After they said good-bye to the crowd, the pretty boy is heading for his sidekick above everything else. He finds a text message from Ryan.
“Stop loving me!”
Brendon sighs, rubs the towel through his wet hair and texts back “I can't”.
**
When Brendon is shoved hard in the middle of the night, he sits up in his bunk where he stayed alone without the rising and falling chest right next to him, robbing of his sleep and putting his heartbeat into a hastier pace.
It's dark, but he still sees Ryan's almost black, cold eyes sparkle in annoyance and anger, something that became prominent to him over the whole day, even if it only had been these two situations.
“Could you please stop the fucking talking in your sleep? It keeps people up!” he states and storms out of the bunk section to reach the kitchen area. He sinks down on one of the cushions while he stares out of the window. He hears the noises of the cars that speed along and wishes he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart.
Brendon takes his coverlet, the huge pillow and the messed-up picture that was hidden under it and makes his way to the back of the bus, where they have this uncomfortable couch and no heater. It's freezing cold in there, but he just wraps himself in the thick fabric and squirms around until he finds a position he could stand for more than a few seconds.
He then closes his lids and hopes to fall asleep faster than his body realizes that the temperature in there surely isn't healthy.
When he goes for his sidekick in the morning, he knows he'll find a text message from Ryan.
“Stop loving me, Brendon!”
And the roughness behind it hits him heavily.
His fingers get sweaty when he texts back “I just can't!”
**
When Ryan is the last one in the little breakfast diner they stopped at to order something, he sees that Brendon has finished almost. Instead of joining him, Jon and Spencer, he goes for the table the crew is sitting at and asks Justin if the tech guys plan to have a party for tonight since they are having a day off. And they look forward to get wasted, very much. Nobody asks why Ryan isn't sitting with his bandmates, even though everybody knows there has to be something wrong.
He stands up after he finished the meal and crosses Brendon at the little table. His plate only contains sweet stuff and instead of saying something nice he is getting unfriendly again, thinking about that they should live healthy, especially on tour. And that the younger's concentration always gets lost totally after a rush of sugar in his blood.
Ryan glares at him and sees how he's getting nervous, that he knows something is coming. But the guitarist couldn't care less right now.
“God damn it, Brendon. Stop eating that shit before you get fat like hell!” he exclaims and throws the plastic and his paper coffee cup into the bin before he leaves the diner as fast as he can. He storms over to the bus and types in the door code to crawl into his bunk, hiding from what he should face before it's turning into the biggest mess of his life; hiding that he actually wanted to sit down next to Brendon and steal some pieces of his blueberry muffin.
Hugging his legs with his arms, holding them close to his body, he wishes he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart.
The boy whose heart hurts just a little after this overrated reaction, looks down onto his bag which he had filled with a few of Ryan's favorite snacks and candy, lets his teeth clench when he thinks about how stupid he was to have the idea it could ease up things between them - at least just a little. He empties the context of the box into the trash bins without thinking twice, clicks his heals and leaves.
Spencer and Jon don't notice that he's absentminded when he takes place in front of the Xbox and plays something he can't remember afterwards. What both of them do notice is that he stops eating until shortly before the show and barely fills his stomach with more during the next days.
Brendon refuses to check his phone until he goes back to sleeping late at night. He doesn't read the message, because he knows it's saying. “Stop loving me, for god's sake!”
He only types back. “Hell no, I can't!”
**
When they are sitting in the wardrobe room a week later and Brendon talks about the stuff that happened a few hours ago when he decided to see some well-known fans, he speaks fast and loud. And he laughs a lot. Jon and Spencer join in and enjoy the conversation just as much as Brendon does. Only Ryan stays silent. He's annoyed by his friends acting like nothing happened through the last seven days.
He's annoyed that Brendon's stopped smelling like himself and he can't stand lemon and cherry anymore.
He's annoyed that fans seem to be bored like hell during their shows and that Brendon sounds like they'd play a studio record.
He's annoyed that his bunk feels so fucking cold at night and that the pillows are nothing steady to hold on to.
He's annoyed that Brendon stopped eating properly and quits soundchecks early because he has no energy anymore.
But mostly he's annoyed that Brendon doesn't get that he wants the best for him. That Ryan will break this beautiful boy sooner or later.
The older one stands up and glares at the laughing mess next to him, the laughter obviously the only thing left that's a real part of Brendon. And in the corner of his brain he knows that he'll regret what his tongue is ready to spill right now. A kick against the chair gets the attention he needs to make his statement. “I am going to have a nap in the other room, could you please stop being so fucking loud? Thank you very much!”
He goes for the door and can't hold himself up for longer than the next door that happens to be a restroom that he locks quickly. Sinking down on the toilet, he lets the tears run, finally. Sobs and whimpers leave his mouth as he tries to swallow them down, but he misses Brendon too much to calm them down completely. He wishes that he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart, more than ever.
Brendon's listening to Spencer and Jon and their angry argument about what the fuck is up with Ryan. They don't understand their old friend anymore and whatever question it is that they are asking the brunette, he only shakes his head. He'd like to give them the missing answers, but he's only guessing.
He's watching his mobile intensely and even if it takes a little longer than usual, he finds a text message from Ryan and something clicks in his head this time.
“Brendon, please do yourself a favor and stop loving me, I'm begging you!”
The singer gasps, then thinks it’s impossible that Ryan's doing all this to protect him...
“I never could, Ryan. Don't beg for something impossible!” he returns and knows what he might be doing, but he is going to test the one he's lost his mind to.
**
When the both of them share the room in a hotel four evenings later, they feel private and alone enough to allow themselves to sleep together. Literally. Ryan doesn't know what turned his brain into this direction, but he can't stop the movements, the kisses, the touches that cover Brendon's body, the flushed skin and he feels like running away when his hand strokes firmly another time and his thrusts still as he feels the both of them reaching their climaxes.
Ryan is close to collapse thoughtlessly, but then his gaze snaps up and he catches sight of the glittering, wet pearls on the beautiful cheeks. Something inside is dying ‘cause he knows the tears are his fault. As well as the feeling of sharp hipbones and less flesh under his thumbs. He's also guilty that he almost forgot how Brendon’s voice sounds since he stopped using it after Ryan's last ego attack and that he causes the pretty one to change that heavily. To kill his own soul slowly, more and more.
Brendon's turning away before Ryan can wipe away what he hates to see right now and finally lets out a tiny whisper. “Are you going to run away now?” he asks and doesn't have to wait long until two fingers are grabbing his chin with soft pressure until their teary eyes lock.
And he wasn't wrong, he knows he wasn't when he finds that hurt glimpse in the honey eyes - Ryan just was led by the thought that he wasn't good enough for Brendon.
Ryan shakes his head, his mouth too dry to speak a word out loud.
“What are you so afraid of, Ryan?” he asks, sobs leaving his mouth ‘cause the fear is still shaking him with an amount of force. He isn't sure if he can trust his feelings to let himself fall into Ryan's arms.
The asked one lowers his head and breaths in, then breaths out shakily, his voice breaks as he tries to clear everything up. “Your heart, Brendon. It's too precious and innocent to be crushed by hands as dirty as mine!” he explains and finds that it's him who's is receiving a stroke through his sweaty hair strains and a lighter one over his cheeks, than his lips.
“Big hearts are for breaking, Ryan. And if it's you who does it, I am totally okay with it!”
And for the first time on this evening, for the first time since Ryan heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart and for the first time in their friendship, their lips connect for a contact that they'd like to call their first kiss.
Please also check out my other stories and my oneshot offering list
And also join kidfic_slash
Author:emorockkid
Pairing: Ryden
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own them and the title is taking from Jack's Mannequin's "American Love"
Big Thank You to dramacrumb who did the Beta on this. *hugs*
They are laying down in their bunk, or better Brendon's bunk, and enjoy just being silent. The day was busy and hard; Spencer, Jon and also the other bus passengers had fallen asleep already.
It's only Brendon and Ryan who are still restless, listening to each other's breathe. Neither one nor the other dares to say a word or two, afraid to make the comfort disappear.
The older one shifts closer to his bandmate and allows him to sling his arms around the thin waist. It's nothing new to Ryan to be close to his best friend. It's nothing foreign to feel the fingertips crawl over his stomach or the warm breath against his neck. To have lips mumbling random things into the sensitive shell of his ear. It's something created by their friendship that Ryan doesn't want to miss.
Just as he feels his pulse calm down and almost drifts off, Brendon's hands are covering his and Ryan can feel another, faster heartbeat pounding against his spine. It makes his stomach clench painfully.
“I think I'm falling in love with you, Ryan Ross...”
The fragile boy pretends to sleep; in fact, his inside starts to panic.
**
When he wakes up in the morning and feels a weight around the upper half of his body, Ryan realizes what happened a few hours before and suddenly feels angry. He pushes Brendon away and hurries himself to get out of the bunk.
The singer wants to say something, but Ryan cuts him off with a harsh voice. “Your beard is annoying and changing clothes might help. You smell!”
He rushes out of the bus to get some fresh air and leaves Brendon alone, who doesn't see that Ryan is sinking down a tree and curses. Ryan pulls his hair and wishes he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart.
Brendon just locks himself in the small bathroom, takes an extra quarter for his washing procedure, shaves extra carefully and unwraps the new clothes he had found in the mall yesterday afternoon.
When he gets back into the bunk section, smelling like lemon and cherry, his skin softer than ever, there's a text message on his sidekick.
“Stop loving me!”
It's from Ryan.
He types back “I can't”.
**
When they are in the venue, checking the microphones and instruments, Brendon is as active and busy as ever, moves around and jokes with Spencer and Jon. Ryan seems tense when the singer is rather doing silly voices than the lyrics of „Northern Downpour“ and stays adorable and cute all the way.
Ryan stomps on his guitar amp and rips off the cables. He gives up.
“Could you please come back to reality and do some serious music?”
He rushes out of the venue into the backstage area and searches for a room where he can be alone and hides his face in his hands. Some seconds later he runs his fingers through his hair and wishes he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart.
Brendon finishes up the soundcheck with the rest of the band. And later, being on stage, he barely leaves the small carpet under his feet and concentrates on hitting the right strings on his guitar and reaching the right notes all the time. Their show has never been so perfect, but at the same time so serious and unexciting before.
After they said good-bye to the crowd, the pretty boy is heading for his sidekick above everything else. He finds a text message from Ryan.
“Stop loving me!”
Brendon sighs, rubs the towel through his wet hair and texts back “I can't”.
**
When Brendon is shoved hard in the middle of the night, he sits up in his bunk where he stayed alone without the rising and falling chest right next to him, robbing of his sleep and putting his heartbeat into a hastier pace.
It's dark, but he still sees Ryan's almost black, cold eyes sparkle in annoyance and anger, something that became prominent to him over the whole day, even if it only had been these two situations.
“Could you please stop the fucking talking in your sleep? It keeps people up!” he states and storms out of the bunk section to reach the kitchen area. He sinks down on one of the cushions while he stares out of the window. He hears the noises of the cars that speed along and wishes he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart.
Brendon takes his coverlet, the huge pillow and the messed-up picture that was hidden under it and makes his way to the back of the bus, where they have this uncomfortable couch and no heater. It's freezing cold in there, but he just wraps himself in the thick fabric and squirms around until he finds a position he could stand for more than a few seconds.
He then closes his lids and hopes to fall asleep faster than his body realizes that the temperature in there surely isn't healthy.
When he goes for his sidekick in the morning, he knows he'll find a text message from Ryan.
“Stop loving me, Brendon!”
And the roughness behind it hits him heavily.
His fingers get sweaty when he texts back “I just can't!”
**
When Ryan is the last one in the little breakfast diner they stopped at to order something, he sees that Brendon has finished almost. Instead of joining him, Jon and Spencer, he goes for the table the crew is sitting at and asks Justin if the tech guys plan to have a party for tonight since they are having a day off. And they look forward to get wasted, very much. Nobody asks why Ryan isn't sitting with his bandmates, even though everybody knows there has to be something wrong.
He stands up after he finished the meal and crosses Brendon at the little table. His plate only contains sweet stuff and instead of saying something nice he is getting unfriendly again, thinking about that they should live healthy, especially on tour. And that the younger's concentration always gets lost totally after a rush of sugar in his blood.
Ryan glares at him and sees how he's getting nervous, that he knows something is coming. But the guitarist couldn't care less right now.
“God damn it, Brendon. Stop eating that shit before you get fat like hell!” he exclaims and throws the plastic and his paper coffee cup into the bin before he leaves the diner as fast as he can. He storms over to the bus and types in the door code to crawl into his bunk, hiding from what he should face before it's turning into the biggest mess of his life; hiding that he actually wanted to sit down next to Brendon and steal some pieces of his blueberry muffin.
Hugging his legs with his arms, holding them close to his body, he wishes he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart.
The boy whose heart hurts just a little after this overrated reaction, looks down onto his bag which he had filled with a few of Ryan's favorite snacks and candy, lets his teeth clench when he thinks about how stupid he was to have the idea it could ease up things between them - at least just a little. He empties the context of the box into the trash bins without thinking twice, clicks his heals and leaves.
Spencer and Jon don't notice that he's absentminded when he takes place in front of the Xbox and plays something he can't remember afterwards. What both of them do notice is that he stops eating until shortly before the show and barely fills his stomach with more during the next days.
Brendon refuses to check his phone until he goes back to sleeping late at night. He doesn't read the message, because he knows it's saying. “Stop loving me, for god's sake!”
He only types back. “Hell no, I can't!”
**
When they are sitting in the wardrobe room a week later and Brendon talks about the stuff that happened a few hours ago when he decided to see some well-known fans, he speaks fast and loud. And he laughs a lot. Jon and Spencer join in and enjoy the conversation just as much as Brendon does. Only Ryan stays silent. He's annoyed by his friends acting like nothing happened through the last seven days.
He's annoyed that Brendon's stopped smelling like himself and he can't stand lemon and cherry anymore.
He's annoyed that fans seem to be bored like hell during their shows and that Brendon sounds like they'd play a studio record.
He's annoyed that his bunk feels so fucking cold at night and that the pillows are nothing steady to hold on to.
He's annoyed that Brendon stopped eating properly and quits soundchecks early because he has no energy anymore.
But mostly he's annoyed that Brendon doesn't get that he wants the best for him. That Ryan will break this beautiful boy sooner or later.
The older one stands up and glares at the laughing mess next to him, the laughter obviously the only thing left that's a real part of Brendon. And in the corner of his brain he knows that he'll regret what his tongue is ready to spill right now. A kick against the chair gets the attention he needs to make his statement. “I am going to have a nap in the other room, could you please stop being so fucking loud? Thank you very much!”
He goes for the door and can't hold himself up for longer than the next door that happens to be a restroom that he locks quickly. Sinking down on the toilet, he lets the tears run, finally. Sobs and whimpers leave his mouth as he tries to swallow them down, but he misses Brendon too much to calm them down completely. He wishes that he never heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart, more than ever.
Brendon's listening to Spencer and Jon and their angry argument about what the fuck is up with Ryan. They don't understand their old friend anymore and whatever question it is that they are asking the brunette, he only shakes his head. He'd like to give them the missing answers, but he's only guessing.
He's watching his mobile intensely and even if it takes a little longer than usual, he finds a text message from Ryan and something clicks in his head this time.
“Brendon, please do yourself a favor and stop loving me, I'm begging you!”
The singer gasps, then thinks it’s impossible that Ryan's doing all this to protect him...
“I never could, Ryan. Don't beg for something impossible!” he returns and knows what he might be doing, but he is going to test the one he's lost his mind to.
**
When the both of them share the room in a hotel four evenings later, they feel private and alone enough to allow themselves to sleep together. Literally. Ryan doesn't know what turned his brain into this direction, but he can't stop the movements, the kisses, the touches that cover Brendon's body, the flushed skin and he feels like running away when his hand strokes firmly another time and his thrusts still as he feels the both of them reaching their climaxes.
Ryan is close to collapse thoughtlessly, but then his gaze snaps up and he catches sight of the glittering, wet pearls on the beautiful cheeks. Something inside is dying ‘cause he knows the tears are his fault. As well as the feeling of sharp hipbones and less flesh under his thumbs. He's also guilty that he almost forgot how Brendon’s voice sounds since he stopped using it after Ryan's last ego attack and that he causes the pretty one to change that heavily. To kill his own soul slowly, more and more.
Brendon's turning away before Ryan can wipe away what he hates to see right now and finally lets out a tiny whisper. “Are you going to run away now?” he asks and doesn't have to wait long until two fingers are grabbing his chin with soft pressure until their teary eyes lock.
And he wasn't wrong, he knows he wasn't when he finds that hurt glimpse in the honey eyes - Ryan just was led by the thought that he wasn't good enough for Brendon.
Ryan shakes his head, his mouth too dry to speak a word out loud.
“What are you so afraid of, Ryan?” he asks, sobs leaving his mouth ‘cause the fear is still shaking him with an amount of force. He isn't sure if he can trust his feelings to let himself fall into Ryan's arms.
The asked one lowers his head and breaths in, then breaths out shakily, his voice breaks as he tries to clear everything up. “Your heart, Brendon. It's too precious and innocent to be crushed by hands as dirty as mine!” he explains and finds that it's him who's is receiving a stroke through his sweaty hair strains and a lighter one over his cheeks, than his lips.
“Big hearts are for breaking, Ryan. And if it's you who does it, I am totally okay with it!”
And for the first time on this evening, for the first time since Ryan heard the words that were coming from the bottom of a loving heart and for the first time in their friendship, their lips connect for a contact that they'd like to call their first kiss.
Please also check out my other stories and my oneshot offering list
And also join kidfic_slash