2.01- No Sleep Til Brooklyn
YES! New Season!
A new recap, a new season of Instant Star. It looks shinier on the whole so they must’ve received a bigger budget this year. I can imagine the conversation between the executive producers Linda Schuyler and Stephen Stohn:
Stephen: We’ve got more money! You know what this means?
Linda: Bigger woodchips for Tim?
Stephen: No! Well, yes, we’ll look into that. But more, larger star swipes!
Linda: How about we ditch the star swipes and do something more sophisticated.
Stephen: Sophisticated…Me likey. Hey, we do this well enough, start paying our writers in real dollars and Instant Star will be more popular than Degrassi!
Linda: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Or something like that. They definitely got new writers or stopped paying them peanuts, which, as fun and nutty as that sounds it doesn’t pay the rent. The quality has improved and after watching the first two episodes of this season, dare I say, I have high hopes for this year. Oh Instant Star, I wish I could quit you!
We have a new encoder for these episodes. I miss Christine. This is “No Sleep Til Brooklyn, Part 1” and I boggle at the name because they’re nowhere NEAR Brooklyn. I doubt Jude could even find it on a map. And I know all the episode names are taken from real songs (with the exception, I know, of ‘Miss World’ which is a beauty pageant) couldn’t they have picked a better one?
The Judeologue covers the rite of passage that is the summer job. Ah yes. My first job was at Victoria’s Secret. Jude thinks she got the best one but being surrounded by lingerie and having old men asking me (and other coworkers) if we’re going to do our own Victoria’s Secret fashion show at Christmas, I do believe, tops being a rock princess. Take that, Jude! As footage plays in the background of her performing on stage the cities where she toured are superimposed. I notice the suckier cities no one outside of Canada gives a frak about aren’t seen as well. Like, say, Moose Jaw. Only Canadians would come up with a name like Moose Jaw.
Alexz actually sounds good. Judeologue goes on about the glories of touring with three trusty boy sidekicks and a bus full of empty calories. She feels very lucky and knows that most girls would love this job. Most would never want to come home but according to her that was the sweetest part of all. Until you get fired later that is.
The bus door opens up to Jamie and Tommy. Wow. Welcome home. Jamie is sans dork glasses and not looking too bad on the eyes. Also, I see he has conquered “hair brushing”. Tommy is standing there looking his finest naked mole rat. Okay, I should stop that seeing as how I have this intense non-sexual love of Tommy. It’s like a disease Pfizer hasn’t figured out how to exploit for profit yet.
Instant Star Closed Captioning (available for the Jude-impaired) helpfully tells us that she has been without sleep for 24 hours. And yes, this matters. Amazingly her cosmetics are still fresh looking so let’s hear it for Extended Wear, eh? She asks Jamie if she looks ‘messy and bus-ish’. Jamie says that she looks like a musician. Wha? I can’t imagine anyone from, say, the London Symphony Orchestra looking like that after a tour. They’re musicians too, dorkface.
Jamie insists that she looks better than ever and she returns the compliment asking how did he get so cute. Yes, do tell, Jamie. Do tell. Jude calls him ‘boyfriend person’. Yes, Jude. That is a person. You are a person too. And tomorrow your lesson for today is the letter, ‘S’. You’ll hear it a lot, usually in the context of, “You Suck, Jude.” J&J hug and kiss and it’s kinda cute and not entirely repulsive though I still think Jude a hussy for coming between Jamie and Kat the way she did. Jamie says he has contact lenses, “All the better to see you with, my dear” in this deep voice. Hmmm. Jamie, you should talk to Tommy about this whole puberty thing. I think he missed it.
Speaking of, Jude turns to Tommy as he says, “Miss Harrison”. All formal-like. It’d be so much cooler if he morphed into Agent Smith and she has to go on the run for her life. Though I don’t think she’d get very far because something tells me Jude isn’t really in shape. She refers to Tommy as “Mr. Quincy” and ‘producer-person’. Enough, okay? They attempt to shake but then someone goes in for a hug? Kiss? And eyes are poked and it’s just a big mess of miscommunication. Jude thinks she left the sophisticated part of her in Moose Jaw and Tommy snarks that the town is famous for it. Jude had sophistication?
Jamie buzzkills the moment by saying Mama Harrison, or La Harrison as I’m calling her now, will harm him if he doesn’t bring her straight home. Oh, that I’d pay to see. La Harrison is making J-shaped pancakes and Jude thinks she can make T-shaped pancakes too and invites Tommy along. See, I’ve stopped calling her CrackMama because I think the brutal reality of Papa cheating on her finally got her to be aware (ie not cracked out) of what’s going on around her. I have this whole fantasy of her spending two months at Hazelton sobering up and now she’s On The Ball. So much so that she actually snarks, is dating someone and is so diva-licious that I refer to her as La Harrison.
Tommy wiggles out of the Harrison House of Alphabet Pancake Breakfast asking for a raincheck but telling Jude in a serious voice that they need to talk. G-Major “drayma”. Jamie buzzkills again saying they have to go lest La Harrison remove his substantial eyebrows. Tommy bids adieu to Moose Jaw (Jude) and walks away. Jude, reprising her role as Captain Oblivio doesn’t notice that something is obviously eating at Tommy concerning this G-Major drayma. For no reason at all, Jamie kicks her in the bum. She asks what was that for and he plays innocent.
New opening! Yay! It’s very cool and has her standing in front of a large light-up display that says Instant Star and shots of her hair blowing and it’s all very rock star. Interior. Harrison Home. Jude is laying her head on Jamie’s lap as he’s stroking her hair. She asks him to never stop doing that. La Harrison comes into the room telling Jude that she is late for a meeting at G-Major. Jude asks Mama to tell Georgia that she’ll come later but Papa enters (PAPA!!!!) rousing her and offering to drop her off at the studio.
La Harrison objects saying Jude is her daughter and her responsibility but Papa insists saying that he hasn’t seen Jude all summer and that she wasn’t an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Heh. Jude rolls her eyes at their continuing bickering and Jamie says that he is happy she’s home. Interior. G-Major. Jude walks in and there is major interior redecoration going on. They all but hung a sign outside saying, “G-MAJOR! NOW UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!” The place is a-hoppin’. Once again, this doesn’t send warning bells off for Jude.
She raps on an ornate office door calling Georgia’s name and bitching about how long she’s been up. Jude opens it and OMG, it’s Stereotype! Jude’s as shocked as I am. “Zuh?” we say. He’s practicing his putting. Later he explains that he has his fingers in a lot of pies and I hope to god that isn’t an American Pie type of sexual reference because, like Tommy, I can’t accept Darius as a sexual being. I just can’t.
Long story short, he’s not just managing music anymore but owns it. Jude wants to know if Georgia is cool with him buying the company but he snarks that he won’t be getting a Christmas card from her. Jude congratulates him and asks if her job is safe. He says that she is important to him and to G-Major just as a knock comes at the door. It belongs to the sexiest man on this frakin’ show, Darius’ new right hand man, Liam Fenway. Dear Lord this man is hot. Irish guy with a suave, Bond-like Londoner accent, Armani suit and I bet he just reeks of money. Damn he’s yummy. I can’t even concentrate when he’s on the screen.
They launch into the details of a party Darius is throwing that night. Damn, he needs a new nick too. Faux Daddy? Yeah. I like it. Liam (drool) announces it is at 1600 on Faux Daddy’s yacht. 1600? Were you in the military Liam or are you just being pretentious, which, by the way, looks HAWT on you. Okay, I promise not to act like a fangirl every time Liam is on the screen but that man makes me cream my panties.
Right. Where were we? Oh yeah, Faux’s yacht is named the ‘Manny Ray’. That’s rather random. Hope there’s a story behind it. It’s a cruising party. Jude’s still like, “Wha? What’s going on?” and I’ll forgive her this because girl needs to catch a nap like yesterday. I paused it and it’s a full-on freeze frame of Alexz and I notice just how well-put together her face is. Take any one of her features and put it on someone else and they’d look ugly. And really, some angles of her she looks googly-eyed, like she does now. But it just works on her. She has big eyes, a very full mouth, not the most refined nose but she’s just adorable. Quite honestly her face has a delicate balance and if she changed anything she might look like the creature from the black lagoon.
Liam (flutter) tells her that wardrobe will be outfitting her so that’s not a problem. The way he looks at Jude was like, “Dear god, we have to do better than this”. He goes on to say the performance will be recorded live as a promo CD for next month’s issue of Solid. SOLID! Jude says, “Oh. I’m singing on a boat?” Hehe. The way she says it makes it sound so pedestrian. Liam replies, “Stupid Girl” and at that moment I realize I want to bear children with him. Only, I know he wasn’t actually calling Jude that though I think he did get some pleasure of being able to say that without being overtly disrespectful. In that dry, British way of insulting the pants off someone that goes over the head of non-Brits and non-Anglophones.
Jude said, “Pardon me?” It’s funny that she realizes that she is indeed stupid enough for someone to just out and out call her a “Stupid Girl”. Faux clarifies saying it is the cover that Jude will be singing at the party. He thinks it will be great for her and oddly so do I. Shirley Manson and Garbage recorded it and Jude’s voice, with practice could actually get to Shirley’s level and I love her voice. Jude can’t believe that she’s being asked to do a cover when she always performs her own material. Oh, Jude, it’s not like he’s asking you to cover Britney Spears, pre-Federline, in which case I’d support your attempted murder of Faux. Hell, I’ll help!
Liam…**mind wanders** Wha…oh, right. He tells Jude that her band members are waiting for her in Studio C, they have the charts and are all caught up. Liam says it so matter-of-factly then gives her a look that says, “Chop-chop, Stupid Girl”. Jude gets up to ‘chop-chop’ and after she turns to walk out Faux asks if she sat in something. Written by Speed earlier on the tour bus on her right ass cheek is, I think, ‘Sweet’. Jude cranes her neck to look, sees it and covers with her jacket. That makes Faux laugh. Me too. Liam probably smirked because he’s sophisticated and sexy and hot and British in that way. **le sigh*
Exterior. Sidewalk. Be-flip-flopped foot. Sadie steps out of the cab returning home from her summer-long trip to Europe. She rings the doorbell but no one answers. Pissed she says, “No one takes their hoose keys backpacking!” Heh. She’s Canadian. Interior. G-Major. Some dude is sucking…uh, that is to say, strumming on his geetar and Tommy gives him some directive I don’t’ care about so I’m not recapping it. Female hands cover Tommy’s eyes and he says, “Not now, Lisa”.
Whoops. It’s Sadie who appropriately asks who Lisa is. Tommy, ashamed, says, “Heeeeyyyy! My girl is home!” “Who’s Lisa?” Yes. Who IS Lisa, Tommy? It’s a new receptionist at G-Major who’s “ugly”. I’m sure. Tommy says it in that comical way that’s so obvious that he’s lying. Kwest backs him up and then Tommy does the cutest thing ever by making this ugly face and making a disgusting sound. Wow. He actually looked cute there. Awww. These are the times I love him. I paused again here and Tim’s face is mostly in the shadow and he looks a little like Tyler Christopher (Nikolas Cassadine, GH). But, that’s the shadow working its dark magic.
Sadie wants reassurance, for the first of many times this episode, that Tommy is glad to see her. Tommy says of course and that she looks amazing. Kwest, ever the King of Decorum and Coolness takes his leave asking Mason, who was in the sound booth sucking, if he would, “Like to learn how to make an engineer a sandwich”. Heh. I love Kwest too. Oh if I could alternate between Kwest, Liam and Papa, I’d be a very happy woman.
Tommy tells Sadie that he’s running on fumes because of all the stress. She forgives him (for now) and tells him that she walked all the way to the studio to show him what she got him in Paris. She walked to the studio? I imagine that was quite a walk. Sadie opens her blouse to reveal a very lacy bra. Tommy boggles. “Tu por vu, Thomas”. Tommy continues to boggle as he kisses Sadie only to be interrupted by Portia’s appearance. “Timing,” she says, “I’m famous for it.” Nice going, Portia. Tommy introduces the two women, and specifically introduces Portia as “Portia Mills”. She came to fetch Mason for a fitting but Tommy redirects her to hospitality where the young chap is learning the fine art of the deli at the capable direction of Kwest. Portia turns to leave but then stops to correct Tommy. “I still go by Portia Quincy, professionally”. Heh.
Sadie’s like, great. She works here. Tommy says he prefers to see Portia as his boss’ sister. Sadie cops a ‘tude and leaves. Oh draymatize. Studio C. Judy and the Pussycats. They’re rehearsing “Stupid Girl” and making technical notes. Jude says they have to watch their core progression on the boat. Speed says the only thing he’s going to be watching is supermodels on a boat with no bras on bouncing up and down. Well considering how anorexic most models are, you won’t have much of a show. Unless you like nipples more than the breast behind them. Jude is now 30 hours sans sleep. Speed says that Jude is made to sing Stupid Girl. The other two band members say, “Just as we’re made to make models cry”. You make children cry too. Are you proud of that? They’re leaving for some meeting or ‘tever as Jamie waltzes in asking what’s with them playing some boat bash he didn’t book. Speed glosses over it as they leave putting a “zuh?” face on Jamie.
Jude welcomes Jamie to the “new insanity that is G-Major Records and this is Nurse Darius’ ward”. That’s only slightly more comforting than hearing that Nurse Ratchet will be inserting your catheter. Jamie balks as he is caught up on the Story So Far and joins me, Jude, Tommy, Kwest, Georgia and EJ in the OMGWTFDARIUS club. I think, however, I am the only member of the YAYLIAM club. Which, speaking of that annoying little tumor known as EJ, wasn’t she supposed to be Jude’s chaperone on the tour, as per Tommy’s proclamation in the season finale? So if that’s the case then why didn’t Jude know what the G-Major drayma was earlier? Ah. Retcons.
Jude tells Jamie that the short story is that Darius and ‘this new guy’ have taken over G-Major. Hey. That new guy has a NAME, Jude! Get it straight. Jude bitches about having to sing the cover and Jamie is surprised at that news. Jude woulda protested but she was too shocked to say anything. She calls this shock therapy. Hmm. I prefer the shock therapy wherein I give you a metal fork, direct you to an outlet and tell you to ‘go for it’.
Boyfriend-person asks Girlfriend-person what she wants to do. Sing her own material, but of course! Oh and sleep for six days. Snaps to that. Boyfriend-dude tells Girlfriend-chick to fight for what she wants. Only if he stands up for his rights as ‘musical super manager’. No. I think Faux already patented that. They decide that it is time for “Team Us to kick some G-Major ass”. Uh. Huh. They kiss and Jude says she likes it when Jamie talks tough. But will he actually act tough. Talking is nothing without the walking and I don’t think he borrowed Nancy Sinatra’s boots for such a walking.
Lobby. Faux is holding a press conference saying that he is putting the music industry on official alert. What? That you’re an asshole whose very presence is only tempered by the hotness of Liam? You’re not a stereotype anymore? No. Instead it is that in 2006 G-Major is gonna blow it up, G! Okay. I said that last part but he did say that G-Major is going to really make its debut starting with choosing a new Instant Star. Jude boggles and thinks she’s being replaced.
The three finalists are up there: Mason (dude who was sucking earlier), Angie and Chris and the last two don’t look as though they’d rock any more than Mason. Wow. I can’t believe how bereft of talent Canada can be at times. That’s very disappointing. Faux says they are all worthy to fill Jude’s impressive shoes. Then he draws attention to her standing at the back of the room. One of the journalists asks Jude if she will be performing tonight. He asks her to tell them, the media gathered there, what she’s working on. Jude talks about covering “Stupid Girl” because it’s a favorite of Darius and, I’m assuming lies or at least exaggerates, that it is a favorite of hers too and does it all cheesy like. Faux smiles and I have to give credit where it is due. I may not like the man but his teeth are gorgeous.
Exterior. G-Major. We see Tommy leaning up against the building like a slightly-preppy hood. Jude steps out, her hair looking worse for wear but her Extended Wear just keeps on ticking. Yay, Revlon! 33 hours no sleep. He’s out there, to quote Jude, “mainlining sugar”. Heh. She can’t believe that he can do that while their little crap alt-rock world is crumbling about them. Tommy offers her a bite of the Twizzler saying the first bite is always free and waves it in front of her and there’s something unsettling about the way he does it. Anyway.
Jude starts in on asking why he didn’t warn her and he didn’t want to dump all on her as soon as she got home. Jude still feels that he coulda told her about the ‘wanna replace me’ contest. Tommy insists she isn’t being replaced but just ‘followed up’. Yeah, Jude. Get over yourself. Tommy thought she woulda seen it on television but she reminds him that she’s been on a tour bus for months and watching the same video of The Wall ad infinitum. Well, that’s your fault. You should’ve also taken Yellow Submarine.
Tommy persists that he is looking out for them. Jude doesn’t believe him and bitches about going home to put on a dress picked out for her by his ex-wife to sing a song requested by his ex-brother-in-law on a boat following the kids who are replacing her and asks how that is looking out for them. Oh shut up, Jude. It could be worse as you will find out too little too late. Dropping a hint that, as usual Captain Oblivio doesn’t get, saying that sometimes you just have to play ball. He asks unequivocally if Jude understands that. She says she guesses she does. Need better than a guess, Jude. That’s what Tommy should have said because then the shit wouldn’t have hit the fan later. He knows how dense Jude is.
Outdoor café. Sadie is sitting at a table looking down at something. She’s lost about ten pounds I think because her face is thinner. Almost too thin. Interior. Sadie’s fantasy. She steps out of a cab looking Ab-Fab with a beret and very Euro chic clothing. She says hello to Dream!Jude, dressed as a little girl, perhaps from 1930s Kansas. Dream!Jude waves ecstatically. Rolling up the street on a motorcycle is EuroTommy. Maybe because I have a thing for chic European men, I’m feeling Tommy on this one. Tim actually looks good with scruff on his face, hair slicked back. I think it distracts from his small eyes. He says something in Rome-speak to EuroSadie. I recognized bella. They embrace and kiss. The camera goes back to Dream!Jude who throws down her stuffed bear in a huff. Heh. Red rose petals fall from the sky.
REALITY! Kwest walks by seeing Sadie looking sad and forlorn. He offers a chocolate cookie and she snaps at him to not patronize her. Huh? Kwest snarks “well hello to you too” and says he’s allergic to seeing girls cry. Smooth. Sadie says too bad and then launches into a rant about how Tom is ignoring her and only spent a week in Europe with her and the rest of the time she was alone and blah, blah, blah, pitycakes. Kwest gets her to chill by telling her that the G-Major drayma is stressing him and that he needs space. Sadie tells Kwest that her week in Italy with Tommy was everything she ever wanted.
In a move he’ll regret later, Kwest invites her to Faux Daddy’s yacht party with the emphasis that he and Tommy will be working but at least she can be there but she will have to GIVE TOMMY SOME SPACE OKAY? She says okay but as we’ll see later, that was a lie. Party. Sadie and Jude are walking up looking gorgeous in their red dresses. I especially like Jude’s but you can tell that she is unaccustomed to wearing dresses and heels. She snarks that she feels like a wardrobe malfunction in training.
Tommy sees them walks up and the sight takes his breath away. He compliments them but then tells Jude that she’s ten minutes late. Fourth up but that she looks great and it’s time for her to go and be great. They’ll talk after but now he has to go back to work. I might add that red doesn’t look bad on him. Actually everyone looks really good. Honestly, you can’t go wrong with red.
Party. Tommy and Kwest are at the soundboard working as Sadie walks up wanting to chat Tommy up. She has a plate of something and starts to make constant comments each time Tommy gives Kwest an engineering command. Kwest gives her a signal to get lost. She ignores it. Sadie is being all commanding and so not understanding that Tommy is WORKING and completely forgetting what Kwest told her earlier. Tommy says it’s not a good time to work and she wants to know when will be a good time. He says, “This? Is me working.” With that, ‘girl what the hell is your DEAL?’ look. She bitches that she is pissed at being left alone in Europe and ignored when she comes back home.
Sadie bitches that Tommy didn’t even invite her today and Kwest coughs. Tommy immediately realizes what Kwest did and gives him that, “I’ll kick your ass later” look. She gives him an ultimatum that either he wants to be with her or he doesn’t. He asks if she actually wants him to decide now while he’s working and she says yes. He says, “Well then, no.” Sadie looks shocked and hurt as she walks away but hon, what did you expect? He. Is. WORKING!!!! Damn, girl!
Dock. Jude is standing there looking uncomfortable and angry. Jamie walks up saying he thought the pretty mermaid thingies go at the front of the boat. She said they do but fakey fraud things go at the back where she is. Jamie is enjoying the Crantinis. How is he able to drink? Underage, hello? Jude asks how his meeting with Liam went but it’s been rescheduled. Jamie wants to know who called her a fakey fraud and that he’ll kick their ass. Sure.
Jude says she called herself that because of the fact that she has to do a cover. Jamie says “he’d rather hear a Jude Harrison original” and that she shouldn’t be treated as a paint-by-numbers artist. Jude wonders if the others are right and that she’s not glamorous enough on her own. He then professes his love for her and all that is her. He tells her to go out there and, I quote, “Be the Judeist Jude ever”. Oh shut up Jamie.
Stage. Jude and the Dudes. 38 Hours without sleep. She starts to sing Stupid Girl and when she sees Jamie tells them to stop playing. They start to play one of her originals, “My Sweet Time”. They ask if she’s sure and she says yeah and that they, the audience, will love it. Tommy and Kwest are like, “WTF?” So is Darius as he goes over to the soundboard and tells them to cut the mic. Faux tells Tommy to “get that girl out of my party”. Tommy starts to defend her then Faux goes off screaming, “OUT!”
Tommy storms out followed by Jude wondering why all that brown stuff is flying around. Jude asks what Faux’s problem is and Tommy scoffs, “His problem? What’s your problem?” Then he asks what I’ve been asking for an entire season, “Just how stupid are you?” Tommy, my dear. My love. You have just presented the universe’s most difficult enigma, “Just how stupid is Jude Harrison?”
Tommy tells Dumbass that the takeover was NOT good news and that all of them could be dropped tomorrow without so much as a goodbye. He’s been trying to save their jobs for weeks. Jude insists that she just wanted to showcase her new stuff and especially wanted Tommy to hear it. “Didn’t you hear the part where I asked you to play ball? What did you think that meant?” And then bitches about her diva fit and her horrible record sales and how they can’t get her air time. Finally, Jude GETS IT. They both NEEDED that showcase. He is BEYOND pissed with Jude and says, “I can’t even look at you now” and then walks away. The episode closes with Jude looking distressed and angsty. To Be Continued, we're promised. Good job, Jude. I mean, damn! What is WITH those Harrison girls tonight?
A new recap, a new season of Instant Star. It looks shinier on the whole so they must’ve received a bigger budget this year. I can imagine the conversation between the executive producers Linda Schuyler and Stephen Stohn:
Stephen: We’ve got more money! You know what this means?
Linda: Bigger woodchips for Tim?
Stephen: No! Well, yes, we’ll look into that. But more, larger star swipes!
Linda: How about we ditch the star swipes and do something more sophisticated.
Stephen: Sophisticated…Me likey. Hey, we do this well enough, start paying our writers in real dollars and Instant Star will be more popular than Degrassi!
Linda: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Or something like that. They definitely got new writers or stopped paying them peanuts, which, as fun and nutty as that sounds it doesn’t pay the rent. The quality has improved and after watching the first two episodes of this season, dare I say, I have high hopes for this year. Oh Instant Star, I wish I could quit you!
We have a new encoder for these episodes. I miss Christine. This is “No Sleep Til Brooklyn, Part 1” and I boggle at the name because they’re nowhere NEAR Brooklyn. I doubt Jude could even find it on a map. And I know all the episode names are taken from real songs (with the exception, I know, of ‘Miss World’ which is a beauty pageant) couldn’t they have picked a better one?
The Judeologue covers the rite of passage that is the summer job. Ah yes. My first job was at Victoria’s Secret. Jude thinks she got the best one but being surrounded by lingerie and having old men asking me (and other coworkers) if we’re going to do our own Victoria’s Secret fashion show at Christmas, I do believe, tops being a rock princess. Take that, Jude! As footage plays in the background of her performing on stage the cities where she toured are superimposed. I notice the suckier cities no one outside of Canada gives a frak about aren’t seen as well. Like, say, Moose Jaw. Only Canadians would come up with a name like Moose Jaw.
Alexz actually sounds good. Judeologue goes on about the glories of touring with three trusty boy sidekicks and a bus full of empty calories. She feels very lucky and knows that most girls would love this job. Most would never want to come home but according to her that was the sweetest part of all. Until you get fired later that is.
The bus door opens up to Jamie and Tommy. Wow. Welcome home. Jamie is sans dork glasses and not looking too bad on the eyes. Also, I see he has conquered “hair brushing”. Tommy is standing there looking his finest naked mole rat. Okay, I should stop that seeing as how I have this intense non-sexual love of Tommy. It’s like a disease Pfizer hasn’t figured out how to exploit for profit yet.
Instant Star Closed Captioning (available for the Jude-impaired) helpfully tells us that she has been without sleep for 24 hours. And yes, this matters. Amazingly her cosmetics are still fresh looking so let’s hear it for Extended Wear, eh? She asks Jamie if she looks ‘messy and bus-ish’. Jamie says that she looks like a musician. Wha? I can’t imagine anyone from, say, the London Symphony Orchestra looking like that after a tour. They’re musicians too, dorkface.
Jamie insists that she looks better than ever and she returns the compliment asking how did he get so cute. Yes, do tell, Jamie. Do tell. Jude calls him ‘boyfriend person’. Yes, Jude. That is a person. You are a person too. And tomorrow your lesson for today is the letter, ‘S’. You’ll hear it a lot, usually in the context of, “You Suck, Jude.” J&J hug and kiss and it’s kinda cute and not entirely repulsive though I still think Jude a hussy for coming between Jamie and Kat the way she did. Jamie says he has contact lenses, “All the better to see you with, my dear” in this deep voice. Hmmm. Jamie, you should talk to Tommy about this whole puberty thing. I think he missed it.
Speaking of, Jude turns to Tommy as he says, “Miss Harrison”. All formal-like. It’d be so much cooler if he morphed into Agent Smith and she has to go on the run for her life. Though I don’t think she’d get very far because something tells me Jude isn’t really in shape. She refers to Tommy as “Mr. Quincy” and ‘producer-person’. Enough, okay? They attempt to shake but then someone goes in for a hug? Kiss? And eyes are poked and it’s just a big mess of miscommunication. Jude thinks she left the sophisticated part of her in Moose Jaw and Tommy snarks that the town is famous for it. Jude had sophistication?
Jamie buzzkills the moment by saying Mama Harrison, or La Harrison as I’m calling her now, will harm him if he doesn’t bring her straight home. Oh, that I’d pay to see. La Harrison is making J-shaped pancakes and Jude thinks she can make T-shaped pancakes too and invites Tommy along. See, I’ve stopped calling her CrackMama because I think the brutal reality of Papa cheating on her finally got her to be aware (ie not cracked out) of what’s going on around her. I have this whole fantasy of her spending two months at Hazelton sobering up and now she’s On The Ball. So much so that she actually snarks, is dating someone and is so diva-licious that I refer to her as La Harrison.
Tommy wiggles out of the Harrison House of Alphabet Pancake Breakfast asking for a raincheck but telling Jude in a serious voice that they need to talk. G-Major “drayma”. Jamie buzzkills again saying they have to go lest La Harrison remove his substantial eyebrows. Tommy bids adieu to Moose Jaw (Jude) and walks away. Jude, reprising her role as Captain Oblivio doesn’t notice that something is obviously eating at Tommy concerning this G-Major drayma. For no reason at all, Jamie kicks her in the bum. She asks what was that for and he plays innocent.
New opening! Yay! It’s very cool and has her standing in front of a large light-up display that says Instant Star and shots of her hair blowing and it’s all very rock star. Interior. Harrison Home. Jude is laying her head on Jamie’s lap as he’s stroking her hair. She asks him to never stop doing that. La Harrison comes into the room telling Jude that she is late for a meeting at G-Major. Jude asks Mama to tell Georgia that she’ll come later but Papa enters (PAPA!!!!) rousing her and offering to drop her off at the studio.
La Harrison objects saying Jude is her daughter and her responsibility but Papa insists saying that he hasn’t seen Jude all summer and that she wasn’t an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Heh. Jude rolls her eyes at their continuing bickering and Jamie says that he is happy she’s home. Interior. G-Major. Jude walks in and there is major interior redecoration going on. They all but hung a sign outside saying, “G-MAJOR! NOW UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT!” The place is a-hoppin’. Once again, this doesn’t send warning bells off for Jude.
She raps on an ornate office door calling Georgia’s name and bitching about how long she’s been up. Jude opens it and OMG, it’s Stereotype! Jude’s as shocked as I am. “Zuh?” we say. He’s practicing his putting. Later he explains that he has his fingers in a lot of pies and I hope to god that isn’t an American Pie type of sexual reference because, like Tommy, I can’t accept Darius as a sexual being. I just can’t.
Long story short, he’s not just managing music anymore but owns it. Jude wants to know if Georgia is cool with him buying the company but he snarks that he won’t be getting a Christmas card from her. Jude congratulates him and asks if her job is safe. He says that she is important to him and to G-Major just as a knock comes at the door. It belongs to the sexiest man on this frakin’ show, Darius’ new right hand man, Liam Fenway. Dear Lord this man is hot. Irish guy with a suave, Bond-like Londoner accent, Armani suit and I bet he just reeks of money. Damn he’s yummy. I can’t even concentrate when he’s on the screen.
They launch into the details of a party Darius is throwing that night. Damn, he needs a new nick too. Faux Daddy? Yeah. I like it. Liam (drool) announces it is at 1600 on Faux Daddy’s yacht. 1600? Were you in the military Liam or are you just being pretentious, which, by the way, looks HAWT on you. Okay, I promise not to act like a fangirl every time Liam is on the screen but that man makes me cream my panties.
Right. Where were we? Oh yeah, Faux’s yacht is named the ‘Manny Ray’. That’s rather random. Hope there’s a story behind it. It’s a cruising party. Jude’s still like, “Wha? What’s going on?” and I’ll forgive her this because girl needs to catch a nap like yesterday. I paused it and it’s a full-on freeze frame of Alexz and I notice just how well-put together her face is. Take any one of her features and put it on someone else and they’d look ugly. And really, some angles of her she looks googly-eyed, like she does now. But it just works on her. She has big eyes, a very full mouth, not the most refined nose but she’s just adorable. Quite honestly her face has a delicate balance and if she changed anything she might look like the creature from the black lagoon.
Liam (flutter) tells her that wardrobe will be outfitting her so that’s not a problem. The way he looks at Jude was like, “Dear god, we have to do better than this”. He goes on to say the performance will be recorded live as a promo CD for next month’s issue of Solid. SOLID! Jude says, “Oh. I’m singing on a boat?” Hehe. The way she says it makes it sound so pedestrian. Liam replies, “Stupid Girl” and at that moment I realize I want to bear children with him. Only, I know he wasn’t actually calling Jude that though I think he did get some pleasure of being able to say that without being overtly disrespectful. In that dry, British way of insulting the pants off someone that goes over the head of non-Brits and non-Anglophones.
Jude said, “Pardon me?” It’s funny that she realizes that she is indeed stupid enough for someone to just out and out call her a “Stupid Girl”. Faux clarifies saying it is the cover that Jude will be singing at the party. He thinks it will be great for her and oddly so do I. Shirley Manson and Garbage recorded it and Jude’s voice, with practice could actually get to Shirley’s level and I love her voice. Jude can’t believe that she’s being asked to do a cover when she always performs her own material. Oh, Jude, it’s not like he’s asking you to cover Britney Spears, pre-Federline, in which case I’d support your attempted murder of Faux. Hell, I’ll help!
Liam…**mind wanders** Wha…oh, right. He tells Jude that her band members are waiting for her in Studio C, they have the charts and are all caught up. Liam says it so matter-of-factly then gives her a look that says, “Chop-chop, Stupid Girl”. Jude gets up to ‘chop-chop’ and after she turns to walk out Faux asks if she sat in something. Written by Speed earlier on the tour bus on her right ass cheek is, I think, ‘Sweet’. Jude cranes her neck to look, sees it and covers with her jacket. That makes Faux laugh. Me too. Liam probably smirked because he’s sophisticated and sexy and hot and British in that way. **le sigh*
Exterior. Sidewalk. Be-flip-flopped foot. Sadie steps out of the cab returning home from her summer-long trip to Europe. She rings the doorbell but no one answers. Pissed she says, “No one takes their hoose keys backpacking!” Heh. She’s Canadian. Interior. G-Major. Some dude is sucking…uh, that is to say, strumming on his geetar and Tommy gives him some directive I don’t’ care about so I’m not recapping it. Female hands cover Tommy’s eyes and he says, “Not now, Lisa”.
Whoops. It’s Sadie who appropriately asks who Lisa is. Tommy, ashamed, says, “Heeeeyyyy! My girl is home!” “Who’s Lisa?” Yes. Who IS Lisa, Tommy? It’s a new receptionist at G-Major who’s “ugly”. I’m sure. Tommy says it in that comical way that’s so obvious that he’s lying. Kwest backs him up and then Tommy does the cutest thing ever by making this ugly face and making a disgusting sound. Wow. He actually looked cute there. Awww. These are the times I love him. I paused again here and Tim’s face is mostly in the shadow and he looks a little like Tyler Christopher (Nikolas Cassadine, GH). But, that’s the shadow working its dark magic.
Sadie wants reassurance, for the first of many times this episode, that Tommy is glad to see her. Tommy says of course and that she looks amazing. Kwest, ever the King of Decorum and Coolness takes his leave asking Mason, who was in the sound booth sucking, if he would, “Like to learn how to make an engineer a sandwich”. Heh. I love Kwest too. Oh if I could alternate between Kwest, Liam and Papa, I’d be a very happy woman.
Tommy tells Sadie that he’s running on fumes because of all the stress. She forgives him (for now) and tells him that she walked all the way to the studio to show him what she got him in Paris. She walked to the studio? I imagine that was quite a walk. Sadie opens her blouse to reveal a very lacy bra. Tommy boggles. “Tu por vu, Thomas”. Tommy continues to boggle as he kisses Sadie only to be interrupted by Portia’s appearance. “Timing,” she says, “I’m famous for it.” Nice going, Portia. Tommy introduces the two women, and specifically introduces Portia as “Portia Mills”. She came to fetch Mason for a fitting but Tommy redirects her to hospitality where the young chap is learning the fine art of the deli at the capable direction of Kwest. Portia turns to leave but then stops to correct Tommy. “I still go by Portia Quincy, professionally”. Heh.
Sadie’s like, great. She works here. Tommy says he prefers to see Portia as his boss’ sister. Sadie cops a ‘tude and leaves. Oh draymatize. Studio C. Judy and the Pussycats. They’re rehearsing “Stupid Girl” and making technical notes. Jude says they have to watch their core progression on the boat. Speed says the only thing he’s going to be watching is supermodels on a boat with no bras on bouncing up and down. Well considering how anorexic most models are, you won’t have much of a show. Unless you like nipples more than the breast behind them. Jude is now 30 hours sans sleep. Speed says that Jude is made to sing Stupid Girl. The other two band members say, “Just as we’re made to make models cry”. You make children cry too. Are you proud of that? They’re leaving for some meeting or ‘tever as Jamie waltzes in asking what’s with them playing some boat bash he didn’t book. Speed glosses over it as they leave putting a “zuh?” face on Jamie.
Jude welcomes Jamie to the “new insanity that is G-Major Records and this is Nurse Darius’ ward”. That’s only slightly more comforting than hearing that Nurse Ratchet will be inserting your catheter. Jamie balks as he is caught up on the Story So Far and joins me, Jude, Tommy, Kwest, Georgia and EJ in the OMGWTFDARIUS club. I think, however, I am the only member of the YAYLIAM club. Which, speaking of that annoying little tumor known as EJ, wasn’t she supposed to be Jude’s chaperone on the tour, as per Tommy’s proclamation in the season finale? So if that’s the case then why didn’t Jude know what the G-Major drayma was earlier? Ah. Retcons.
Jude tells Jamie that the short story is that Darius and ‘this new guy’ have taken over G-Major. Hey. That new guy has a NAME, Jude! Get it straight. Jude bitches about having to sing the cover and Jamie is surprised at that news. Jude woulda protested but she was too shocked to say anything. She calls this shock therapy. Hmm. I prefer the shock therapy wherein I give you a metal fork, direct you to an outlet and tell you to ‘go for it’.
Boyfriend-person asks Girlfriend-person what she wants to do. Sing her own material, but of course! Oh and sleep for six days. Snaps to that. Boyfriend-dude tells Girlfriend-chick to fight for what she wants. Only if he stands up for his rights as ‘musical super manager’. No. I think Faux already patented that. They decide that it is time for “Team Us to kick some G-Major ass”. Uh. Huh. They kiss and Jude says she likes it when Jamie talks tough. But will he actually act tough. Talking is nothing without the walking and I don’t think he borrowed Nancy Sinatra’s boots for such a walking.
Lobby. Faux is holding a press conference saying that he is putting the music industry on official alert. What? That you’re an asshole whose very presence is only tempered by the hotness of Liam? You’re not a stereotype anymore? No. Instead it is that in 2006 G-Major is gonna blow it up, G! Okay. I said that last part but he did say that G-Major is going to really make its debut starting with choosing a new Instant Star. Jude boggles and thinks she’s being replaced.
The three finalists are up there: Mason (dude who was sucking earlier), Angie and Chris and the last two don’t look as though they’d rock any more than Mason. Wow. I can’t believe how bereft of talent Canada can be at times. That’s very disappointing. Faux says they are all worthy to fill Jude’s impressive shoes. Then he draws attention to her standing at the back of the room. One of the journalists asks Jude if she will be performing tonight. He asks her to tell them, the media gathered there, what she’s working on. Jude talks about covering “Stupid Girl” because it’s a favorite of Darius and, I’m assuming lies or at least exaggerates, that it is a favorite of hers too and does it all cheesy like. Faux smiles and I have to give credit where it is due. I may not like the man but his teeth are gorgeous.
Exterior. G-Major. We see Tommy leaning up against the building like a slightly-preppy hood. Jude steps out, her hair looking worse for wear but her Extended Wear just keeps on ticking. Yay, Revlon! 33 hours no sleep. He’s out there, to quote Jude, “mainlining sugar”. Heh. She can’t believe that he can do that while their little crap alt-rock world is crumbling about them. Tommy offers her a bite of the Twizzler saying the first bite is always free and waves it in front of her and there’s something unsettling about the way he does it. Anyway.
Jude starts in on asking why he didn’t warn her and he didn’t want to dump all on her as soon as she got home. Jude still feels that he coulda told her about the ‘wanna replace me’ contest. Tommy insists she isn’t being replaced but just ‘followed up’. Yeah, Jude. Get over yourself. Tommy thought she woulda seen it on television but she reminds him that she’s been on a tour bus for months and watching the same video of The Wall ad infinitum. Well, that’s your fault. You should’ve also taken Yellow Submarine.
Tommy persists that he is looking out for them. Jude doesn’t believe him and bitches about going home to put on a dress picked out for her by his ex-wife to sing a song requested by his ex-brother-in-law on a boat following the kids who are replacing her and asks how that is looking out for them. Oh shut up, Jude. It could be worse as you will find out too little too late. Dropping a hint that, as usual Captain Oblivio doesn’t get, saying that sometimes you just have to play ball. He asks unequivocally if Jude understands that. She says she guesses she does. Need better than a guess, Jude. That’s what Tommy should have said because then the shit wouldn’t have hit the fan later. He knows how dense Jude is.
Outdoor café. Sadie is sitting at a table looking down at something. She’s lost about ten pounds I think because her face is thinner. Almost too thin. Interior. Sadie’s fantasy. She steps out of a cab looking Ab-Fab with a beret and very Euro chic clothing. She says hello to Dream!Jude, dressed as a little girl, perhaps from 1930s Kansas. Dream!Jude waves ecstatically. Rolling up the street on a motorcycle is EuroTommy. Maybe because I have a thing for chic European men, I’m feeling Tommy on this one. Tim actually looks good with scruff on his face, hair slicked back. I think it distracts from his small eyes. He says something in Rome-speak to EuroSadie. I recognized bella. They embrace and kiss. The camera goes back to Dream!Jude who throws down her stuffed bear in a huff. Heh. Red rose petals fall from the sky.
REALITY! Kwest walks by seeing Sadie looking sad and forlorn. He offers a chocolate cookie and she snaps at him to not patronize her. Huh? Kwest snarks “well hello to you too” and says he’s allergic to seeing girls cry. Smooth. Sadie says too bad and then launches into a rant about how Tom is ignoring her and only spent a week in Europe with her and the rest of the time she was alone and blah, blah, blah, pitycakes. Kwest gets her to chill by telling her that the G-Major drayma is stressing him and that he needs space. Sadie tells Kwest that her week in Italy with Tommy was everything she ever wanted.
In a move he’ll regret later, Kwest invites her to Faux Daddy’s yacht party with the emphasis that he and Tommy will be working but at least she can be there but she will have to GIVE TOMMY SOME SPACE OKAY? She says okay but as we’ll see later, that was a lie. Party. Sadie and Jude are walking up looking gorgeous in their red dresses. I especially like Jude’s but you can tell that she is unaccustomed to wearing dresses and heels. She snarks that she feels like a wardrobe malfunction in training.
Tommy sees them walks up and the sight takes his breath away. He compliments them but then tells Jude that she’s ten minutes late. Fourth up but that she looks great and it’s time for her to go and be great. They’ll talk after but now he has to go back to work. I might add that red doesn’t look bad on him. Actually everyone looks really good. Honestly, you can’t go wrong with red.
Party. Tommy and Kwest are at the soundboard working as Sadie walks up wanting to chat Tommy up. She has a plate of something and starts to make constant comments each time Tommy gives Kwest an engineering command. Kwest gives her a signal to get lost. She ignores it. Sadie is being all commanding and so not understanding that Tommy is WORKING and completely forgetting what Kwest told her earlier. Tommy says it’s not a good time to work and she wants to know when will be a good time. He says, “This? Is me working.” With that, ‘girl what the hell is your DEAL?’ look. She bitches that she is pissed at being left alone in Europe and ignored when she comes back home.
Sadie bitches that Tommy didn’t even invite her today and Kwest coughs. Tommy immediately realizes what Kwest did and gives him that, “I’ll kick your ass later” look. She gives him an ultimatum that either he wants to be with her or he doesn’t. He asks if she actually wants him to decide now while he’s working and she says yes. He says, “Well then, no.” Sadie looks shocked and hurt as she walks away but hon, what did you expect? He. Is. WORKING!!!! Damn, girl!
Dock. Jude is standing there looking uncomfortable and angry. Jamie walks up saying he thought the pretty mermaid thingies go at the front of the boat. She said they do but fakey fraud things go at the back where she is. Jamie is enjoying the Crantinis. How is he able to drink? Underage, hello? Jude asks how his meeting with Liam went but it’s been rescheduled. Jamie wants to know who called her a fakey fraud and that he’ll kick their ass. Sure.
Jude says she called herself that because of the fact that she has to do a cover. Jamie says “he’d rather hear a Jude Harrison original” and that she shouldn’t be treated as a paint-by-numbers artist. Jude wonders if the others are right and that she’s not glamorous enough on her own. He then professes his love for her and all that is her. He tells her to go out there and, I quote, “Be the Judeist Jude ever”. Oh shut up Jamie.
Stage. Jude and the Dudes. 38 Hours without sleep. She starts to sing Stupid Girl and when she sees Jamie tells them to stop playing. They start to play one of her originals, “My Sweet Time”. They ask if she’s sure and she says yeah and that they, the audience, will love it. Tommy and Kwest are like, “WTF?” So is Darius as he goes over to the soundboard and tells them to cut the mic. Faux tells Tommy to “get that girl out of my party”. Tommy starts to defend her then Faux goes off screaming, “OUT!”
Tommy storms out followed by Jude wondering why all that brown stuff is flying around. Jude asks what Faux’s problem is and Tommy scoffs, “His problem? What’s your problem?” Then he asks what I’ve been asking for an entire season, “Just how stupid are you?” Tommy, my dear. My love. You have just presented the universe’s most difficult enigma, “Just how stupid is Jude Harrison?”
Tommy tells Dumbass that the takeover was NOT good news and that all of them could be dropped tomorrow without so much as a goodbye. He’s been trying to save their jobs for weeks. Jude insists that she just wanted to showcase her new stuff and especially wanted Tommy to hear it. “Didn’t you hear the part where I asked you to play ball? What did you think that meant?” And then bitches about her diva fit and her horrible record sales and how they can’t get her air time. Finally, Jude GETS IT. They both NEEDED that showcase. He is BEYOND pissed with Jude and says, “I can’t even look at you now” and then walks away. The episode closes with Jude looking distressed and angsty. To Be Continued, we're promised. Good job, Jude. I mean, damn! What is WITH those Harrison girls tonight?