2.05 Viciousness
Viciousness is one of the best episodes of this season. Unfortunately it is also the episode in which we have to say goodbye, hopefully not forever, to Our Derelicte. In her honor, for this last episode, I will call her Kat. I know. I’m feeling nice and more than that I’m pissed about the way she left and that she hasn’t been back or mentioned ever again.
The Judeologue begins with some Papa-imparted wisdom about people not taking care of their cars these days. Jude and Kat come across a ’67 Mustang that’s for sale. Kat thinks it’s better than her wheels but Jude objects. They’re walking to Jude’s house when a black cat crosses their path. Kat points out this is bad luck.
The Judeologue continues that the most important thing is maintenance because you never know when you’re going to hit a shallow bump. The two girls enter the house only to catch Lola and Don mackin’ on the sofa. Jude, naturally, freaks and leaves with her vo saying that she hopes her shock absorbers are okay because she’ll need them. Kat says that was some ‘fancy litigation’. Oh shut up Kat. Jude whines that she wants Papa. So do I!
Intro. Alley behind Hell and Nasty. Kat and Jude are talking about their respective relationships with Asshat. I guess Asshat told Jude that he dumped Kat but the latter is insisting that she dumped him for being in love with Jude. At first she was sad but now, to quote Shania Twain, “I feel like a woman!” Oh Kat. I will miss you and your misplaced pop culture references. No I won’t.
Jude snarks about Kat referencing Shania. Whatever, Jude. Shania is a better artist than you so be quiet. Kat asks if she can still give Jude a ride in the Katmobile after the Shania reference and offers the trunk as a seat. Good idea! I’ll duct tape her mouth and hogtie her and we’ll cover her with a blanket.
Jude pets Kat like she’s a puppy or something and asks what would she do without her. “Turn blue. Faint. And be seriously late for big PR interview.” Turning blue is part of Kat Couture and goes well with the black trash bag skirt trimmed in green saran wrap and the potato sack halter. Coming this spring!
Interior. Jude tells Asshat that Tommy says all of G-Major reads his blog. Really? They have nothing else to do with their time? That’s…kinda sad. I can’t believe Liam reads it though. He hates Asshat as much as I do and I’m sure that fine, fine, FINE human specimen has better things to do with his time. Like sleeping with me.
Asshat downplays his significance, good idea and says he’s just doing the press release. He begins recording and asks Jude if she’s excited about one of her songs being used in a new horror flick coming out by someone named Mr. Loe. Jude hates horror movies. Good to know. She’s nervous about going alone with no one’s hand to hold. Kat says that if she gets an extra ticket she’ll go with Jude because, “I ‘heart’ your death grip”. Heh.
Apparently Asshat and Kat tricked Jude into going to see ‘The Ring’ by telling her it was a romantic comedy. LMAO! Now that was an awesome, cruel but extremely funny prank. Jude spilled her bag of candy out of freight. I would’ve loved to see that. Jude threatened to drown them in a well after that. They laugh but it dies quickly out of sadness of ‘the way things were’ between them all.
Jude nervously asks Asshat if he has to tell everyone about her phobia. He says no because then he’d have to disclose his own phobia about the twig poppets in Blair Witch and latex gloves. He shudders violently. Yes, yes this will come back to bite him in the ass. How did you know?
Patsy comes in with headphones on ‘DEAFENING’. Kat and Jude express surprise at her being there and Asshat, trying to cover up their relationship I’m guessing, says that she’s there to pick up this mannequin. Asshat hurriedly ushers Patsy out of the recording space leaving Kat and Jude looking bewildered. “So glad he’s not our problem anymore.”
Interior. G-Major. Liam is giving a dry run of his presentation for the investors for Tommy, who is falling asleep. At the end Sadie comes in clapping in faux appreciation. Liam acknowledges her presence and asks if she’s interested in investing in G-Major. Sadie, after giving Tommy a kiss, snarks that she’s parking her millions somewhere more glamorous. Liam snarks if she can be distracted by bright shiny objects like the Pavé sequins on his tie. May I say, as usual, Liam is sex on two legs in that very nice suit. Men in nicely tailored suits are such an aphrodisiac for me.
Tommy uses that as a platform to criticize Liam’s presentation calling it boring. Why? Because you couldn’t follow along? Liam patiently informs Tommy that investors are dry. Tommy, speaking totally from ignorance, insists that record company investors aren’t boring so THERE! “The way I see it, they want a little more sizzle with their steak.” Liam snarks, “Ah yes, the meat metaphor. The last bastion of the adroit businessman.” Heh. “Oooh, the big vocabulary. The last bastion of the pretentious know-it-all.” With that Tommy flips Liam’s tie. Leave the tie alone, Tommy. It’s worth more than your life.
Sadie agrees with Tommy, with Liam giving them both the “Wow. You’re both very stupid” look. Knowing Tommy will fail spectacularly and provide a little comic relief, Liam allows him to do the A&R presentation. Heh. Liam, you naughty, naughty little boy. Come here and let Mamma spank you! Tommy’s all, “Coo! I can do that!” Liam’s all, “Yeah. Sure. Whatever, sparky.”
Lovely Downtown Toronto. Interior. Papa’s office. Jude and Kat show up and Papa doesn’t look thrilled to see his youngest daughter. Kat tells ‘Stuart’ hi. Oh. I see. You two are on a first name basis, eh? He leans back and looks at Kat a little longer. Huh. Papa notices that Jude is looking disturbed. Jude apologizes for stabbing him in the back and signing her trust over to Lola and Don. Papa says it’s water under the bridge.
Papa asks what brings her to his office and Jude tells him about the Mustang she wants to buy and hopes he can help her fix it up. Papa tells Jude that she doesn’t want an old clunker and to talk to Lola about buying a new one. Jude says that it’s not about the car and wants to know why Papa has been avoiding her. Papa says he has to get to a meeting that’s starting in a few minutes. Ooh! DENIED! Jude is upset and on the verge of tears and asks Kat to give her a ride to G-Major if it wouldn’t be too much trouble. Kat is feeling very sorry for Jude now. This will change soon.
Interior. G-Major. We see Mason dicking around with a digital camcorder. Jude asks him if he remembers Kat. Kat tells him, “You’re A-Mason! I’m sorry, amazing! I love your voice.” Mason snarks, “Cute. You said that last time too.” Dude. STFU. I don’t even know why you have a career because you suck and where the fuck do you get off being an asshole to Kat? You’re lucky to have a fan you twang-singing jackass! I hate you! And I hate your stupid CAT FACE!! I’m going to go take a bubble bath.
Two hours later…
Right. Then another slap to Kat’s face comes from Portia when she tells Jude that they keep their sessions ‘closed’ at G-Major. Dude. Georgia’s ship was so much friendlier. Now everything’s all super secwet. Kat, feeling rejected twice in a span of sixty seconds goes to wait outside. Mason turns the camera on Jude asking faux paparazzi questions: “Miss Harrison. Is it true that you pay her to be your best friend?” “Off the record I pay extra for the curls.” Kat overhears this and since she is feeling particularly sensitive right now she takes this hard. That might have been funny if Mason hadn’t just been an asshole to her and if Jude hadn’t just been an asshole by not cussing his ass out for doing that. But instead Kat’s feelings were just hurt one more time. I feel so sorry for her little mismatched soul right now I could just go Phoenix Force on her ass. And Mason’s too. Can’t stand him.
Mason’s next question was, “Is it true we all have to media-train because you went to jail?” Jude guffaws and hits Mason swearing to ‘show him a horror movie’. Mason takes this as an invitation to the movie premiere that night. Jude says she won’t be watching it so much as ‘doing this’ pantomiming covering her eyes in horror. With ‘perfect’ timing Portia comes over to show Jude two designer dresses sent for her and to tell her that the producers sent over another ticket for her.
Mason snatches the ticket out of Portia’s hand, prompting the ex-Mrs. Quincy to frown at his uncouth manner. No kidding. What is with this kid? He’s just fucking rude. Jude snatches the camera out of his hand and turns it on him. He starts making faces. “You are a sick, sick individual, but you’re on.” Now, she only had one other comp before that and I assume that was for Papa so now she has chosen MASON over her best friend Kat. You inconsiderate bitch.
Elsewhere in G-Major. Chaz sees Tommy walking down the stairs on the way to the investors’ meeting. Chaz tells Tommy that he should have come on the Boyz Attack reunion tour. Tommy says his baggy white suit was in the cleaners. All summer. HA! Chaz invites him out on the town tonight with the other Boyz while they’re all still there. Duty calls in the way of a meeting and Chaz wonders who is this girl that turned Tommy into a responsible man.
Investor Meeting. Tommy is trying to do his razzle dazzle but it’s not making it for the investors. They’re asking specific, technical questions about money and overhead and Tommy’s like, “zuh?” and Liam’s like, “HA! BITCH!” Tommy begins to flop around like a fish out of water. He looks to Liam who gives him the return expression of, “Well? Whaddya gonna say, smarty pants?”
But my man, being the civilized gent he is, comes over and puts the little Tommy goldfish back in his coy pond. Tommy realizes that he was way in over his head and will keep his mouth shut from now on for all things G-Major money. Liam comes over and starts talking economics and I instantly cream my pants. He’s just that sexy.
Jude is finally leaving the meeting after, as we find out later, of three hours of Kat waiting outside. In fact, Kat snarks that of course she waited as they never have any other time together. Jude profusely apologizes, not enough in my opinion, and offers her half a cheese and chutney sandwich, “Portia was handing out snacks and tickets.”
Kat gets excited hoping she’ll be invited and even more excited at the sight of a Betsy Johnson dress. I, personally, don’t like Betsy Johnson designs because they’re so very hobo and ick to me but I can totally see why Kat loves her. Jude starts to get shifty again and tells Kat that the dress is not for her and neither is the ticket.
Pissed, Kat lays into Jude about waiting three hours outside and following her around all day just to get offered half of a “weirdo sandwich” and not invited to Jude’s premiere. Jude weasels and says “Mason was standing right there” using that as a paltry excuse as to why she didn’t think of her best friend first. The same best friend she has screwed over more times than I care to count. “I don’t even know what chutney is!” Jude says it’s a tasty pickle jelly but Kat really isn’t trying to hear her now. “I don’t care what chutney is. What I care about is not being treated like a doormat by my ‘supposed’ best friend.” Yeah! You tell her Katerina! She left her bag at Jude’s recording space so they’re going to go get that. I can imagine that was a long, tense ride. Jude should feel like the biggest tool in the world.
At the recording studio they walk in on Asshat and Patsy…ewww…mating in a way. They obviously express disgust and quickly close the door. “First your mom and now this? These things happen in threes.” “No. Nothing can top this.” Kat gives Jude a look that I like to think says, “Watch this, sweetie.”
Later that night Kat and Jude blow up latex gloves and stuff Asshat’s car with them. It’s all about revenge and a damn good one too. They run and hide as he comes out of the house. The next day, Patsy is at the Harrison Home for Scorned Women waiting for Jude and doing something odd with her mouth that has both me and Lola worried. Jude comes down the stairs and Patsy expresses surprise at her in a dress. She wonders who died and Jude says, “Nobody. Yet.”
Patsy is giving Jude Jamie’s tickets to the movie premiere. “Jimmy thought you might want his tickets for the movie tonight. Somebody did something to his car and now he won’t come out of his closet.” **snerk** I can imagine him in there, fetal position, sweating, crying and rolling back and forth screaming, “No! Not the gloves! NOT THE GLOVES!!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!!” Jude barely contains her laughter at most likely the same visual I just described playing out in her head. As much as I’m hating her now, I have to give her props on the Jamie hate mission there. Mission Accomplished!
G-Major. Jude is pitching to Mason, who I’m going to have to call Assclown. “Funny. Snappy dresser. Smells good. Nice teeth and super at tetherball.” “Wow. Nice teeth and great at tetherball.” Okay. That was kinda funny but it doesn’t make you any less an Assclown. Jude begs Assclown to take Kat with him because ‘she deserves it’. So she deserves to spend an evening with an asshole that insulted her twice? WOW! You’re such a swell friend, Jude! I can’t imagine what would break the two of you up now.
She also tells Papa that he deserves to go. He also deserved your respect and loyalty and I’m sure that’s more important to him than a movie premiere even with your name in the credits. Papa agrees to go because despite all her backstabbing, Jude is still his little star. He is kind giving her that under eye, ‘you’re getting on my nerves’ look but whatever.
Exterior. Harrison House of Heartbreak and Deceit. Jude is giving Kat the dresses given to her telling her that she can wear either one and that Assclown will pick her up at eight. Jude is excited but Kat is so pissed she’s glowing brighter than the sun. Jude: “Come on. Get excited.” Bitch, please. That’s what Kat look says as she replies, “Oh.” She can’t stop thinking about Jamie and how much she loved him and was hurt by him.
Jude tries to sympathize, “Seeing him and Patsy together was brutal” but as usual Jude misses the point. Kat asks her what she knows about Jamie and having feelings. Jude tries to get offended but that was honestly the wrong reaction to have at this point. You don’t get to have hurt feelings right now, Jude. You’ve hurt Kat enough.
Jude says, “Everything, Kat” but Kat tells her that she just dated Jamie to ‘show her up’. Jude balks as Kat says, “The only guy I ever really liked and you had to steal him.” Katerina, you can do better sweetie. And you will as soon as you stop dressing like you’re homeless. Jude wants to know when she’ll stop being so mad and Kat, appropriately tells her, “I’ll stop when you stop being so selfish.” YES! Thank you, Kat!
Once again, still being inappropriately pissy, Jude says, “I spent the whole day trying to arrange this date for you.” Bitch, if you had THOUGHT OF YOUR GIRL FIRST, you wouldn’t have HAD to spend the entire day shuffling your pawns around to cover your ass! Kat serves Jude again telling her that she wanted to ‘buy a friend’. Damn. I’m getting Kat a silver serving platter as a going away present. She deserves it. Fo’ rizzle. Kat tells her she’s not for sell. As she walks away Jude is still mystified. My goodness, how fucking self-centered can this broad get?
Exterior. I don’t know where. Sadie is walking up to Tommy looking chic and urbane as she is wont to do. “Hey. Did somebody place an order at the Cute College Co-Ed Delivery Service?” You work for an escort agency? Do your parents know that? Oh and that’s soliciting, Sadie. You can get locked up for that.
Tommy tells her of his COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE at the investors’ meeting then blames Sadie for putting him up to it. Huh? If you weren’t so busy trying to be a dick toward Liam, you wouldn’t have been in that situation. But no. You thought you knew more than my honey and your ass got laid bare and spanked like there was no tomorrow. Sadie is being positive about the experience by telling him that her academic advisor told her that anything that gets someone out of their comfort zone is a good learning experience. Too true. He’s ‘supposed’ to pick her up at seven. Tommy is left standing there feeling sorry for himself. You’re…not going to pick her up, are you?
Premiere. Jude and Papa walk in amongst a lone paparazzo snapping her photo. That’s going to look great in the bimonthly PTA newsletter! Papa points out Kat sitting in the audience next to Assclown looking like Farmer John or some shit. Kat is giving Jude the EVE-ILL eye. “I’m sure the thrill of her witnessing my humiliation was too good to resist.” It was for me too. Papa wants to know what’s going on between them. He guesses a boy. Somewhat right, but it’s Jude’s overall stank-ass ‘tude that has pissed Kat and myself off.
Bar. Tommy shows up where the Boyz are. They’re partying and having a good time. Nearby is a bachelorette party where the girls have taken note of the washed-up boy band near by and probably surprised they’re not also working the bar. The Boyz are happy to see Tommy and have plans on macking on the bachelorettes nearby. A Boyz Attack song starts playing and it’s just all very sad.
Movie. Jude visualizes in her mind what is going on in the movie, set to her song, but replaced with the events of her own life lately. Basically a lot of Kat giving evil looks, Jude walking around in a white nightgown and this weird part where Kat puts her arms out then fades into the background. Huh? The bachelorette party and the Bride are all vampires feasting on Tommy; Jamie is locked in his car with the latex gloves; Don the lawyer is, apropos, a vampire feasting on Lola; Kat is stabbed in the heart with a stake in the trunk of her car. End scene.
The movie is finally over and Jude uncovers her ears and Papa removes his hands from her eyes. She asks how the song was used and it involved a nail gun and a rotor. Ouch. Too bad it wasn’t used on Jude, but you win some, you lose some. Kat huffs down the steps past Jude and they avoid each other’s gaze. Tired of this Papa goes to straighten some shit out with Kat.
Kat: “You look nice Mr. Harrison.”
Papa: “It’s Stuart. You know that.”
Kat: **shoots evil glance at Jude who’s talking to some other people**
Papa: “Look I gotta tell you something. I want you to know that Jude really loves you…”
Kat: “Stuart…”
Papa: “yeah?”
Kat: **SMOOCH!!!!!!**
Jude: ZOMGWTF! **runs away**
Kat: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!
Papa: whoa.
Interior. Sadie’s place. She reading but a loud noise outside startles her. Well, it’s Tommy, which should always startle her. He’s as drunk as a fish and when Sadie opens the door, he begs to come in. She reminds him he was supposed to be there at seven, which I’m guessing was probably about six hours ago.
She lets him in. On a drunken ramble he’ll probably regret in the morning, he confesses that he was kicked out of school for fighting and he never went back. That was in the seventh grade and that’s why he’s a moron. It all makes sense now! Sadie tells him it’s okay then he passes out on the couch. She goes through his pockets and finds phone numbers, I’m guessing from the bachelorettes. She’s pissed.
Happy Harrison Home. Papa and his bitch daughter are pushing the newly acquired Mustang into the driveway. Papa thinks Lola is going to have a fit when she sees it but Jude thinks that Mama will think his teenage self has been resurrected. Their high spirits are disrupted by Kat standing on the porch. Hey…what’s that in her belly? Wow. Stuart works quickly and quite incognito. Way to knock up your daughter’s best friend, Papa!
But alas, that is not the explanation for her baby bump. Liam? Tommy? Jamie? Darius? WHO!?!?!?!? Papa quickly explains to Jude that he didn’t kiss Kat but she just sprung it on him. Jude knows and doesn’t hold it against him. Wow. I’m surprised.
Next to Kat are a bouquet of flowers and she tells Jude they’re from Tommy. He’s apologizing for being a drunk idiot and missing her big premiere. Kat thinks he’s lucky for missing the clusterfuck that was the night before. “I know that you said things come in threes but when did you start hating me enough to be the third?” Seriously? You…you want an answer to that? Kat says Jude has a glamorous life she can’t compete with. Jude tells her she’s not competing but Kat is.
Jude stole her boyfriend, has a recording career, designer dresses given to her, a cool car and flowers from Tommy Q. She can’t be her friend anymore if she keeps wanting to wreck it at every turn. Jude hopes they can be friends again but Kat isn’t sure at this point. With that Kat gets up and walks away. She stops to look back at Jude one last time and it is SO OBVIOUS that Babs Mamabolo is preggers and that is the reason she’s leaving. It woulda been nice if that coulda been written in for some Degrassi-like drayma but, alas, no. Kat continues to walk away and…end episode.
Kat was given the major shaft by Jude and I fucking hate her for it. What ever happened to chicks before dicks? Huh, Jude? Have you NO loyalty to your friends? Family? This is why people hate you, Jude and why bad things will continue to happen to you. It’s called Karma…who you’ll meet next season. I hope they bring Kat back looking fabulous and like she’s actually been studying the better fashions of VOGUE and W and InStyle. Because she deserved better than that.