(Untitled)

[emperor_yanqui]

Okay, I've been revising this one a lot recently, so I figured I would get a few opinions. The text that is in parentheses at the end is a possible alternate ending, but I'm not sure if I like it better with or without it. Comments

Comments

[fae_kcat]

i really like it but i think the end needs a little more... it kinda looses the flow... not that any of you care or are speaking to me but i do like it.

depends on what you want to say

[kratersge]

I can't imagine how you'd decide about the snow.

Without, it ends with such finality and feels "in" the moment. With the snow, there's such ambiguity about what's next, and it diffuses the intensity of the preceding so that it it's more a narration of what has already been rather than a description of NOW.

Also, without snow there's a disconcerting jagged change in the direction. With it, there's a roundness to it -- a balance -- back to the beginning.

They are two very different pieces. Which did you *want* to say?

As for liking; I think I prefer it with the parentheses. I like the boomarang back to the style of the beginning leaving the reader's head spinning and wondering what the "rest" of the conversation will be.