(Untitled)

[empty_fork]

I walk in on a conversation between Schwern and ... oh, and the Narnians, represented by a selection of the old characters scattered among a lot of soft-skinned young women I don't recognize. The NPCs all look a little like Antonia but none of them are. We stand together facing the center of a chainlink-fenced quad of sun-baked dirt.

Comments

[conform]

was the paragraph-break angst directed at the second paragraph? i wouldn't give it a second glance, as written.

and the pen-penultimate and penultimate paragraphs seem like an appropriate break, both technically and stylistically. it's a good pause.

the only real awkwardness i see is in the 3P: "if you weren't warned, though;", where i'm not 100% what the "though" is doing.

there are a lot of optional commas, mostly omitted. no issue there. might semicolonize the terminal comma in "The conversation quickly turns".

"Dan Orkwis gets" ends up in a slighly awkward passive construction, IMO.

minor quibbles, all.

[empty_fork]

if folks ever see me post something emotionally sensitive up here,
and they want to be supportive but don't know what to say to ensure my positive response,
I hope they look to your reply for a model, conform.
this is just as gratifying as is possible.
well.
harsher might be better.