(no subject)
If people are going to talk about masturbation, I'm going to talk about what I want to talk about - not because I don't engage in the practice, but because I don't need to and I have no personal sense of identification with those who are discussing it. I probably have more sex than anyone else on this ship.
I'm very smug about it.
I want to talk about Martha. I don't do it often, because I'm intensely private and feel it's no one's business, but also because I don't think anyone particularly cares.
I love her very much. People tell me I don't deserve her and I agree with them. I don't think very highly of myself, whereas I do think very highly of her. I try very hard for her and always will because I don't deserve her and I know how lucky I am.
I really wish people would stop telling me, though. It hurts my feelings. I expect it from Sirius Black, but when it's my colleagues, I wonder how it is you've worked with me all this time and still don't have a single good opinion of me, or at least the self-restraint to keep such things to yourselves.
By they way, I think you're all extremely ungrateful to Martha for the work she has put into that infirmary for years. She continued to work in spite of her own prolonged torture and murder, sometimes fourteen hours a day with Svetlana (whom I respect and who I believe is also treated unfairly and with the same disregard, but she isn't my wife and she has other people to speak up for her), during floods, ports, mass deaths, SARS, and plague outbreaks. Martha doesn't deserve to be treated the way she has been. She makes mistakes, but she works harder than any of you, and I believe you all have short memories and make snap judgments.
I also believe many of you treat her deplorably on a social basis, including her friends - with the exception of Tim Drake and some others who I can't be bothered to remember right now. I was the one to comfort her and ask after not only her murder, but her relationship with Tom (whose last name escapes me because I don't like thinking of her marrying another man). I should not have been the one to console her. I am a horrible human being and a terrible friend.
I've been holding my tongue about all of this because I think you'll all discount my opinions due to the fact that I'm married to her. I think it would do more harm than good for me to interfere, but on the other hand, I worry that it makes me a bad husband that I'm not defending my wife right now, when she needs it most.
I wish her friends would stand up for her. It would help her and serve to alleviate me of some of my guilt.
I don't like feeling guilty. I also don't like feeling powerless, confused, weak, or unintelligent. That's part of the reason I'm such a raging bastard to all of you. The other part of it is I'm afraid if I do let down my defenses and allow someone to befriend me, they'll either leave like Bernard, Lockhart, and Hix did, and like Kay will do, or they'll decide I'm not someone worth knowing.
That goes for Mozenrath. I know he wants to be my friend, but it's easier to keep things professional because he's also friends with Sirius Black and might decide he likes it better on that side of the fence. It would probably break my heart to be rejected like that by him, of all people, because I care about him.
[Private to Bellatrix]
I'm contacting you because I'm unable to wait you out any longer and want to know if you've finally discovered that I not only turned on the Dark Lord years ago and was instrumental in his downfall, but that I've married a muggle.
I'm not worried that you'll try to kill me, but I do feel bad about your situation - the situation wherein you died, lost your idol, and were imprisoned here - and think this might be insult to injury.
Also, I'm worried you'll kill Martha. I really don't want you to kill Martha. She's been through a lot, and I want to protect her. It's not because I want to impress her - even though I do, because it makes me feel like I might possibly be good enough for her when she's impressed with me. I just think she's very small and a muggle, whereas you're insane and probably hate me.
I'm also worried you'll tell her about the time I slept with you and she'll think I enjoyed it. I didn't enjoy it. I thought I might be homosexual after I couldn't attain an orgasm with you. I realise now that you are simply terrifying and sex should not involve alcohol and biting.
...Although now that I think about it, my sex presently involves alcohol and biting sometimes, so I'm confused.
I guess it's just you. It's not me, it's you.
Thank Merlin for that.