The usual mix of bitching, breakdowns, and fandom
This entry will be separated into four parts for your navigation. I doubt anyone wants to read the entirety of this long-ass thing. :P
I am stressed this week.
Nothing huge, but I am feeling... uneasy. Paranoid, I suppose. Don't ask me why, I couldn't possibly explain it to you. But I am unsettled nonetheless.
"Careful the things you say,
Children will listen.
Careful the things you do,
Children will see.
And learn.
Children may not obey,
But children will listen.
Children will look to you
For which way to turn,
To learn what to be.
Careful before you say,
'Listen to me.'
Children will listen..."
~ Finale (Children Will Listen) // Into the Woods
Argued with Louis. God damn him. He had the nerve - the nerve - to tell me that it was me 'going MIA' all the time that has kept him from seeing Ray for the last three years. Yeah. Right. Because all those times he's told her he's coming and then drops off the side of the planet? That's my fault apparently. All the times he's hurt and disappointed her, the phone calls that will come daily for about a week then be nothing for months? My fault.
I don't want to be accused of thinking the worst in him. He loves her more than anything, I know this damned well. But he is not a parent to her, and if he wants to be then he needs to start taking some damned responsibility. I've not seen a penny from him in nearing two years. Before Saturday when he spent the day with her down in CA, he'd not given her a single gift, called her on her birthday, or visited in three years. He has been like the absent uncle who once in a while pops up to the joy of the child. That is not what a father is supposed to be. My own father, dysfunctional and fucked up as he might be, was more of a parent to me than he has been to Rayvn.
I have and will sacrificed everything for Ray. That he dares to try and place the blame on me... ugh. Frustrating.
He's back with his ex-girlfriend, too, the one he complained about so loudly. I am happy for her, though, because she seems sweet. He made her out to be psychotic, but she was nothing but decent to me in email. I know, right? I probably shouldn't make friends with my husband's girlfriends. Not likely to happen (even with the ones who were my friends first like Linda) even if I did decide to be a saint.
But, before the argument, I was able to give him my mother's phone number (since they are still in CA) and he called her. He went to see Ray on Saturday and she spent the night with him and his girlfriend. He wrote me while she was there with the most giddy email I have ever gotten from him, proclaiming the weekend to be the best of his life. Thank god. Rayvn deserves to have a father, one who loves her and will be there for her, and hopefully this opened his eyes to what an amazing child he is missing the life of. And that isn't just parental joy talking. ;P
Next subject!
"She said:
'Thanks but I'm broken
I guess
You must have misspoken
What a laugh
I've never been chosen by anyone...'"
~ Broken // Bad Religion
I'm having some self esteem issues. Now, this isn't unusual, I know, but generally the knowledge that I am being irrational is enough to abate the worst of the problem. This, though... well, insecurity is in a high mode this week.
I know my faults. I have many of those. But I like to think I am a good person on the whole. I am caring, will do anything for those I love, and try to see the best in the individual. I am probably too self-sacrificing, but it makes me happy to make others happy, no matter the cost to myself. I would give up anything for my child, I am honest and cannot fathom betrayal.
But I'm also clingy. I get very deeply attached to people and constantly worry I will disappoint them. I am afraid of having someone be ashamed of me as their friend or otherwise. I am impatient with the fickle. I dive headfirst into bonds without considering the foolishness of attachment. I will dig for attention. I worry... and worry... and worry about how others think of me (those I care about, fuck everyone else).
I am intelligent enough to know that someone is either going to love me for who I am or they simply won't. I know that I will never change who I am to suit someone else. But I still worry about whether I actually am good enough, whether the people I love will suddenly turn around and realize “Oh, she's kind of a pain in my ass.” I am not the prettiest (I find my weight disgusting and I was plain to begin with) or the smartest or the easiest to get along with.
So I dwell. I seek reassurance that I am not something to be ashamed of, that I am not something to get bored of. And when I don't know how to ask, I dwell more and I wallow and I worry. And I come off as an insecure prat because of it. And this bothers me, because I don't know how to explain my misgivings without scaring people away. Without showing them just how hopeless and scared I am. When I say “them”, right now I mean Peter, but I mean in every day life as well. My friends (online, real life), my family... ugh. I'm so hopeless. Shut me up, please?
I tried to talk about this with Tyler and spare you all the annoyance of hearing me wangst yet again, but he managed to do nothing but make me snort Dr Pepper out my nose with a comment on cosplay sex. Very nice, Tyler. :P Love the boy, honestly, but I should have known better than to vent to an underage gay boy. :P
歯を食いしばり探す未来を
咲く花に映る時代を
泣き言は闇へ
悔しさを背に昇る太陽
理想の丘で君と見たいよ
目を逸らさず明日を追え
~Katahiza no Yogore // Last Alliance
Fic Updates:
Paraselenic: 11k of last chapter/ epilogue complete. They are joined now but will be separated later.
New Game+: (Persona 3) Three scenes remaining for last chapter.
Embracing Absurdism: (HP x Final Fantasy XII crossover) 30k, done through Raithwall with scattered scenes after.
Ask about any other projects.
I still need help for Para's epilogue... doesn't anyone want to help me? D:
Love you guys. I leave you with one of those stupid survey things, because I was bored without internet. XD
"You've already won me over in spite of me
So don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it, it's all your fault..."
~Head over Feet // Alanis Morisette
_Basics_
1. Full Name: Katrina Elizabeth Harding
2. Nicknames: Katie, Minx, Kateh, Roxas, lotsa pet names
3. Birthday: September 18
4. Place Of Birth: Redmond, WA
5. Zodiac Sign: Virgo
6. Male Or Female: Female
7. School: Sophomore in college
8. Occupation: Mother, student, Information Technology doohicky, messenger pidgin, geek, lump, and Google Queen
9. Residence: A house near the ocean which I pay much rent to live in.
10. MSN Screen Name: My email address.
_Your Appearance_
12. Hair Colour: Blonde
13. Hair Length: Getting longer!
14. Eye Colour: Blue-green
15. Weight: Somewhere more than I want it to be. :P
16. Height: 5' 7”
17. Braces?: Nada, thankfully.
18. Glasses?: Yep. Pain in my arse they are.
19. Piercings: Ehh... ears, my labrete is still open though I rarely wear anything in it, and I have had my eyebrow, my tongue, and a vertical labrete done.
20. Tattoos: Not at the moment. Kind of consider a few ideas, but it is iffy.
21. Righty Or Lefty: Righty.
_Firsts_
22. First Best Friend: Amanda Fear in the 8th grade.
23. First Award: Hmm... first meaningful one would have been when I was 12 and got top score in a singing competition.
24. First Sport: Baseball. :)
25. First Pet: A kitty named Dolly. ^^
26. First Real Vacation: Not a clue. Probably to CA with my dad when I was around 4.
27. First Concert: Ozzfest 2002. \m/ I know, right, I didn't have a concert until I was 17. Shut up. :P
28. First Love: Well, at the time I fancied it to be Kevin... shoot, I forgot his last name, but it started with a W. Anyway, I was sure I was in love with him. ;) However, I think that Ron Patterson was the real first in the 9th grade. (Note 5 mins later: Willadson. That was his last name. Hah!)
_Favourites_
29. Movie: I hate favorite questions.
30. TV Show: Probably something from the Discovery Channel. Or an anime. Or something.
31. Color: Green. <3
32. Rapper: Eww. None, really, though I kind of liked LL Cool J when I was young, didn't mind Eminem when he first came out, and always thought Will Smith was adorable. LOL.
33. Band/Artist: No favorite.
34. Song Right Now: Hmm... dunno. I've been singing a lot of songs lately, most of them mood-inspired.
35. Friends: My Shradildah. Others too, but I loves my Shradildah so very much. :)
37. Sport: Probably baseball again, if we're talking traditional sports.
38. Restaurant: Dunno... Papa Murphey's = yum, though. Not a lot of selection out here, so my mind is foggy.
39. Clothing Brand: Yuck, lame.
41. School Subject: English, CIS-anything (except 102 and other such lame courses).
42. Animal: Kitties, big and small.
43. Book/Author: Pillars of the Earth, Ken Follet.
44. Magazine: Err... none? I've never been a magazine fan, though I'll cart around an interesting one to read while bored.
45. Shoes: My favourite shoes? Probably my cute boots that are so hellish on my feet. And slip-ons. Convenience!
_Currently_
46. Feeling: Discontent. A bit uneasy.
47. Single Or Taken: Single-ish? I don't know. Officially, I can't see myself as anything but single, since I have not been made privy to any changes to that. But if I badly want to be a sentimental twat, I could say that I'm quite taken with someone, so perhaps I should just ignore the question altogether. :P
48. In love: Mmm... I could get there. Easily. Scary shit.
49. Eating: Sour Patch Kids. Om nom.
50. Drinking: Diet Dr Pepper. Surprised? :P
51. Typing: Uh, this?
52. Online?: I always am. I'm just not doing anything about it.
53. Listening To: Fishtank. :P I mean a real one.
54. Thinking About: Question 47.
55. Wanting To: Do something.
56. Watching: The computer screen?
57. Wearing: Grey sleep pants, a long sleeved v-neck.
_Future_
58. Want Kids?: Have one. Kind of want another (I want a boy quite badly... always have) but will not have one unless I am stable, secure, and sure of my position in life and at home. I've learned the hard way how unfair it is to have a child in any other situation.
59. Want To Get Married?: Once burnt twice shy? I certainly don't rule it out, and knowing what a romantic fool I am, it is almost sure to happen. But I won't step in so lightly this time, naïve and so sure that it is meant to be forever. I already had my ideals of what marriage is meant to be ruined once... I won't let it happen again.
60. Careers In Mind: Computers. Don't really care what, but I want to stick with my computers. Hopefully something less annoying than a call center, but I would take anything.
61. Where Do You Want To Live: Anywhere but here. Have a few preferences. *hum*
62. Car: This... is way, way too hard to answer. I am not such a car geek as some... but being raised in my family has given me an appreciation beyond that of most people, and I have enough knowledge to have specific preferences. My biggest no-no's are simple... no clunkers, no rice, and no *shudder* microwaves on wheels, plz. Of course, there are some cars I'd like to have more than others, but I'm not picky. And, you know, I don't have a license, so this doesn't matter!
_Answer_
My ex...
Hmm... what one are we going with here? Since I have been clashing with Louis this week, he seems a handy one. How about I just say, “Pisses me off, and needs to start being a parent instead of a disappointment.” *snerk*
Maybe I should...
Stop being suckered into these stupid things and go to bed.
I love...
Rayvn's laughter. Computers. Chocolate when I have a headache. A kittie purring in my ear in the quiet. Being kissed within an inch of my life. Waking up naturally and stretching slowly. The previous comment + companion whom I can move to tasting once I'm awake and stretched out. My fingernails obeying me (and staying clean and not snagging on shit). My mom's bed with its many inches of memory foam. ...I think I've gone overboard on this answer.
People would say that I'm...
Slightly eccentric. :P Maybe understanding, maybe reclusive, maybe terse. I can think of a lot of things people would say about me, depending on the person. To someone I was interested in, I might be called salacious or affectionate. To a loved one, I might be caring or overly-giving. To a random person, maybe polite or some generic 'nice' term. To someone who landed themselves on the sharp side of my tongue, perhaps something less complimentary (but still very true).
I don't understand...
Uhh... Women? Ice skaters? Tourists? People without brains? Other languages?
When I wake up in the morning...
I immediately inject myself with caffeine. Well, not always. It depends if you're asking about a morning where I have somewhere to go or not. On a school/work day, I get up, get dressed, etc and have caffeine on my way out the door. On a slower day, I drag myself eventually to the coffee pot. LOL.
I lost...
My cell phone. Bah. I wants it back now. I didn't appreciate the thing well enough.
Life is full of...
Disappointments, loss, and heartache... but also joy and friendship if you bother to look.
My past is...
Too hectic, dangerous, and fucked up for the average person. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I get annoyed when...
I need a specific thing? I get annoyed by people existing. :P
Parties are...
Boring unless with friends. Or drunk. XD
I wish...
For stability. For more hours in the day. For math to be less repetitive. To remember what it was like to feel wanted. That I had a million dollars. For patience.
Dogs...
Aren't bad.
Cats...
Are adorable.
Tomorrow...
Is another day.
I have low tolerance...
For people in general.
If I had a million dollars...
I would GTFO. Anywhere but Grays Harbor.
I'm totally terrified...
Of spiders. Of failure. Of happiness.