You've already won me over, in spite of me...
Another one of those entries where I ramble. I haven't had a positive entry in weeks... so hey. Let's try for one!
Rambling as usual. Discussion of my upcoming trip to Chicago, as I can think of little else these days.
Away, away. My plane leaves at 8:30 in the morning on Sunday the 13th. Fuu. 8 more days.
I will be attending the Reactor, a convention in Chicago. I want to say 'anime convention' but apparently the con wants to be seen as more broad in scope... fuck it. I'm there for the anime, it is an anime convention. :P Only 5 and a half months after my last one, too! ^___^ I'm rather sure it will be just as awesome, too. It has a lot to live up to, though. Sakura-con was my first time, and we all know how hard it is to live up to firsts. ;) And Sakura-con was where I met Peter, whom has become quite intregal in my life already.
But I think this will probably be more awesome. It is smaller and with less people, so I won't be quite so overwhelmed. Add onto that my ultra sexy guide who will be cosplaying Zack on my birthday (what better gift is there?! Seriously!!! There is nothing better than being at a convention with Peter dressed as Zack whom I can latch onto alllll I want for my birthday. Nothing, I tell ye!) and showing me around, a more practical approach to the dealer's room (LOL, no more $400 spending spree, no siree :P), and a whole new city with new people and new things to see... well. Sakura-con, for all it's gigantic glory, will have a serious run for its money here.
I can't wait to leave. I've been on the edge of my proverbial seat for weeks now, counting down the days and hours. I have a ticker on my primary desktop keeping track of how long I have left. 8 days, 10 hours, 31 minutes...47.... 46... 45...
This whole thing is still so very new to me. Relationships should not be, not to me... I'm no innocent. I've been in more relationships than I can remember, to be brutally and skankily honest. So why is this one so different? Is it that I was not looking for it? That I didn't (and am still unsure of its wiseness) want it? That I feel rather like I was sucked up into something much, much bigger than myself?
Saying "I love you" isn't new to me. I say it to my friends every time I speak with them. I say it to Rayvn many times a day. But why is it such a novelty to say 'I love you' to someone, mean it, hear it back, and know that it is... real? Why do I smile like a damn fool randomly, only to have EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN MY HOUSE have to comment on it? Jesus. If I hear one more, "Ooo, why are you smiling like that?" or something similar, I am going to... well, I'm not going to do anything, but I'm going to whine about it nonetheless. :P
Back on track now. How is this time different? I won't be an idealist and spout off how it just is, because I know that at its core it isn't. But I am too jaded to feel so giddy, so light, so damned happy. I'm afraid sometimes of how happy I have been these last months. Even as I have so much shit to do that I can hardly breath, even as I run the gamut of stress both internally and externally... I feel lightened somehow.
The difference between impossible and... dare I say it... possible is breathtaking. That is not to say I was not content with my impossibilities, oh no! I never want anyone to think I am so fickle, because I am not. My Randy-luv is no less important to me now than months prior, and I have moments where I miss him so terribly that I want to cry since I cannot chat so often anymore, and I hardly have time or patience for the forums. But we both knew that this would happen someday, and I know it changes nothing. I just... really didn't want it to be so soon. I didn't want this. Not for years and years...
I guess the old adage is true about finding things when you are not looking for them.
But the possible... so frightening, so breathtaking... is beautiful. To have real hope for the first time in years is one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. I didn't realize how forlorn I had become, how resigned to lonliness and being second best to anyone and everyone. But I feel... light. I feel loved.
And no matter the path this takes, it was worth it if only to taste it for this moment.
I fear, of course. I am a worrywart at my core, and I will never stop being afraid. But through that fear I hope to grasp the strength I know I possess and, for the first time in my god damned life, not sit idly by and let fate fuck me sideways. I want this, damnit. I want this more than I have been concious of wanting something in a long, long time. And so I will fight.
No matter how unexpected my blessings may be.
Rambling as usual. Discussion of my upcoming trip to Chicago, as I can think of little else these days.
Away, away. My plane leaves at 8:30 in the morning on Sunday the 13th. Fuu. 8 more days.
I will be attending the Reactor, a convention in Chicago. I want to say 'anime convention' but apparently the con wants to be seen as more broad in scope... fuck it. I'm there for the anime, it is an anime convention. :P Only 5 and a half months after my last one, too! ^___^ I'm rather sure it will be just as awesome, too. It has a lot to live up to, though. Sakura-con was my first time, and we all know how hard it is to live up to firsts. ;) And Sakura-con was where I met Peter, whom has become quite intregal in my life already.
But I think this will probably be more awesome. It is smaller and with less people, so I won't be quite so overwhelmed. Add onto that my ultra sexy guide who will be cosplaying Zack on my birthday (what better gift is there?! Seriously!!! There is nothing better than being at a convention with Peter dressed as Zack whom I can latch onto alllll I want for my birthday. Nothing, I tell ye!) and showing me around, a more practical approach to the dealer's room (LOL, no more $400 spending spree, no siree :P), and a whole new city with new people and new things to see... well. Sakura-con, for all it's gigantic glory, will have a serious run for its money here.
I can't wait to leave. I've been on the edge of my proverbial seat for weeks now, counting down the days and hours. I have a ticker on my primary desktop keeping track of how long I have left. 8 days, 10 hours, 31 minutes...47.... 46... 45...
This whole thing is still so very new to me. Relationships should not be, not to me... I'm no innocent. I've been in more relationships than I can remember, to be brutally and skankily honest. So why is this one so different? Is it that I was not looking for it? That I didn't (and am still unsure of its wiseness) want it? That I feel rather like I was sucked up into something much, much bigger than myself?
Saying "I love you" isn't new to me. I say it to my friends every time I speak with them. I say it to Rayvn many times a day. But why is it such a novelty to say 'I love you' to someone, mean it, hear it back, and know that it is... real? Why do I smile like a damn fool randomly, only to have EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN MY HOUSE have to comment on it? Jesus. If I hear one more, "Ooo, why are you smiling like that?" or something similar, I am going to... well, I'm not going to do anything, but I'm going to whine about it nonetheless. :P
Back on track now. How is this time different? I won't be an idealist and spout off how it just is, because I know that at its core it isn't. But I am too jaded to feel so giddy, so light, so damned happy. I'm afraid sometimes of how happy I have been these last months. Even as I have so much shit to do that I can hardly breath, even as I run the gamut of stress both internally and externally... I feel lightened somehow.
The difference between impossible and... dare I say it... possible is breathtaking. That is not to say I was not content with my impossibilities, oh no! I never want anyone to think I am so fickle, because I am not. My Randy-luv is no less important to me now than months prior, and I have moments where I miss him so terribly that I want to cry since I cannot chat so often anymore, and I hardly have time or patience for the forums. But we both knew that this would happen someday, and I know it changes nothing. I just... really didn't want it to be so soon. I didn't want this. Not for years and years...
I guess the old adage is true about finding things when you are not looking for them.
But the possible... so frightening, so breathtaking... is beautiful. To have real hope for the first time in years is one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. I didn't realize how forlorn I had become, how resigned to lonliness and being second best to anyone and everyone. But I feel... light. I feel loved.
And no matter the path this takes, it was worth it if only to taste it for this moment.
I fear, of course. I am a worrywart at my core, and I will never stop being afraid. But through that fear I hope to grasp the strength I know I possess and, for the first time in my god damned life, not sit idly by and let fate fuck me sideways. I want this, damnit. I want this more than I have been concious of wanting something in a long, long time. And so I will fight.
No matter how unexpected my blessings may be.