Sexually open relationships, dammit
This is the first article of the blog, it was written in the beginning of February 2012 as an unposted reply to an entry on www.yoniatlingam.com website. This is basically where the idea of this blog comes from :)
I read this article about sexually open relationships and damn did it get me thinking!
In this case I could not shake off the feeling that something is wrong in the reasoning of the author. It’s too picture-perfect, too flat, too vanilla, or maybe even not too honest. But when I tried thinking about it, there has been a sort of a wall in my head where all my counter-arguments would crash...
So I had to start from the beginning, and the most obvious way is, of course, to analyze your own experience. First I said to myself: hey, you’ve never been in any sexually open relationships, so how can you make up your mind about this at all?
But then I figured I was wrong. I would have never even considered that being involved with someone allows me to control his thoughts and feelings. I mean, I am not his brain and I am not his head, I can not tell him what to think and (unfortunately :) ) I can not tell him who to want. Nobody gave me the right to tell him: “From now on I am defining who you want, and you are only allowed to want me!”. I respect his capability of decision-making and I respect his taste (after all, he chose me out of all the non-Angelina-Jolies!). So I’ll put it to you this way: we can say that we are free to have sex with someone else, as long as it is a decision that one made, and as long as there is responsibility and honesty about it all. Nobody can prohibit it, it’s left up to me or him if we choose to do it. I would like to believe that in a relationship we learn from each other, we help each other, we give each other joy, but in no way do we own each other.
And that’s where the decision stroke me!! I verbalized one VERY SIMPLE key word to this sexually-open-relationships-math-problem. It’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T. As easy as it gets.
We need to remember that we DO NOT OWN our significant other. We need to understand that there are people out there who are as attractive as we are, and he/she might want to try them out. The best thing is that we are still on top of the list because he/she comes back to us in the end of the day and shares our life and everyday joys and problems with us. So they got to compare and they made their choice - they are coming back to us. Ain’t it great, ain’t it something to be proud of?
Even if he/she decides to leave one day, honestly, who are we to stop them? We can never make them feel what we want them to feel, it’s initially THEIR choice only.
So after considering all these issues I had to admit that a lot of relationships out there are actually sexually open. But NOT in the way that the couple decides it is OK to sleep around. It should be based on respect, on understanding that people are curious creatures and they might want to compare and learn from someone other than you (hey, maybe you’ll benefit from that as well ;-) ), and on safety of course.
Having said that, I still believe it’s not OK to sleep around for the sake of it - it has nothing to do with relationships. What is OK is not to set boundaries for your significant other, to treat him/her with respect and to benefit from his/her experience should one take place.
P.S. One more thing is extremely important here - I am sure you can only handle open relationships in case you love yourself. Like, really really love yourself for who you are. You need to be at peace with yourself so that you could let your significant other do whatever they choose to do and still know that they will come back to you in the end. And in case they decide to not come back to you it’s ESSENTIAL to love yourself so you don’t feel crushed, overwhelmed and broken. You can’t overestimate the importance of being sure that you’re doing the right thing all along :) Because, frankly, there are too many “ifs” when we talk about open relationships...
P.P.S. A guy’s perspective I’d like to add here so I don’t forget it (as long as I’m not sure he will repeat it for me again :) : open relationships can only work up to the point that both know it’s theoretically possible. This means, all of this liberty stops when, say, he finds out she did it yesterday. Or that she did it with John from the procurement department. Whenever it gets real or personalized - that’s when it stops.
This is not completely my point of view so it’s OK to argue with it :))
I read this article about sexually open relationships and damn did it get me thinking!
In this case I could not shake off the feeling that something is wrong in the reasoning of the author. It’s too picture-perfect, too flat, too vanilla, or maybe even not too honest. But when I tried thinking about it, there has been a sort of a wall in my head where all my counter-arguments would crash...
So I had to start from the beginning, and the most obvious way is, of course, to analyze your own experience. First I said to myself: hey, you’ve never been in any sexually open relationships, so how can you make up your mind about this at all?
But then I figured I was wrong. I would have never even considered that being involved with someone allows me to control his thoughts and feelings. I mean, I am not his brain and I am not his head, I can not tell him what to think and (unfortunately :) ) I can not tell him who to want. Nobody gave me the right to tell him: “From now on I am defining who you want, and you are only allowed to want me!”. I respect his capability of decision-making and I respect his taste (after all, he chose me out of all the non-Angelina-Jolies!). So I’ll put it to you this way: we can say that we are free to have sex with someone else, as long as it is a decision that one made, and as long as there is responsibility and honesty about it all. Nobody can prohibit it, it’s left up to me or him if we choose to do it. I would like to believe that in a relationship we learn from each other, we help each other, we give each other joy, but in no way do we own each other.
And that’s where the decision stroke me!! I verbalized one VERY SIMPLE key word to this sexually-open-relationships-math-problem. It’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T. As easy as it gets.
We need to remember that we DO NOT OWN our significant other. We need to understand that there are people out there who are as attractive as we are, and he/she might want to try them out. The best thing is that we are still on top of the list because he/she comes back to us in the end of the day and shares our life and everyday joys and problems with us. So they got to compare and they made their choice - they are coming back to us. Ain’t it great, ain’t it something to be proud of?
Even if he/she decides to leave one day, honestly, who are we to stop them? We can never make them feel what we want them to feel, it’s initially THEIR choice only.
So after considering all these issues I had to admit that a lot of relationships out there are actually sexually open. But NOT in the way that the couple decides it is OK to sleep around. It should be based on respect, on understanding that people are curious creatures and they might want to compare and learn from someone other than you (hey, maybe you’ll benefit from that as well ;-) ), and on safety of course.
Having said that, I still believe it’s not OK to sleep around for the sake of it - it has nothing to do with relationships. What is OK is not to set boundaries for your significant other, to treat him/her with respect and to benefit from his/her experience should one take place.
P.S. One more thing is extremely important here - I am sure you can only handle open relationships in case you love yourself. Like, really really love yourself for who you are. You need to be at peace with yourself so that you could let your significant other do whatever they choose to do and still know that they will come back to you in the end. And in case they decide to not come back to you it’s ESSENTIAL to love yourself so you don’t feel crushed, overwhelmed and broken. You can’t overestimate the importance of being sure that you’re doing the right thing all along :) Because, frankly, there are too many “ifs” when we talk about open relationships...
P.P.S. A guy’s perspective I’d like to add here so I don’t forget it (as long as I’m not sure he will repeat it for me again :) : open relationships can only work up to the point that both know it’s theoretically possible. This means, all of this liberty stops when, say, he finds out she did it yesterday. Or that she did it with John from the procurement department. Whenever it gets real or personalized - that’s when it stops.
This is not completely my point of view so it’s OK to argue with it :))