NOAH! World's Grrreatest Explorer!
I wrote the material below a few months back. Would like a critique of its assumptions, and have its logical fallacies (I'm sure there are; there *definitely* are) pointed out to me.
...please?
You might think that Columbus and Captain Cook were very clever men. Afterall, they found America, Australia, and India! Both these countries are very, very far away from Europe.
But did you know that there was one man who found those countries before they did? He was a man whom your nasty secular school teachers never told you about. His name was Noah, and he was the greatest explorer ever!
Once, though, Noah was an ordinary man like you and I. He would hold internal talks in his head called ‘prayer’, though. And sometimes, while he was ‘praying’, a voice would talk back to him. This voice was very friendly to Noah.. The voice called itself ‘God’.
This was how Noah knew God was real. And that God would punish people who thought He didn’t exist.
"Listen everyone," said Noah to his friends. "God is very angry that you don’t think He’s real. And He will send a flood to prove that He exists! You all must believe that he is real, because God has told me that the flood will last for forty days and forty nights, and all life on Earth will be wiped out."
"Also, God will not give us gills to breathe underwater while the flood is on."
"So why doesn’t God just appear in front of us to prove He exists," asked one of his friends, who was called Thomas. "And why do we have to make an active choice to believe in God’s existence? We don’t need to believe in something that’s in front of us."
"Besides, I heard kind of the same story from old Father Ur-Darius, that old Babylonian priest, last week. You sure you didn't hear the same story?"
"We are not meant to know the mind of God," said Noah, somewhat in a huff. "Even I only know a bit of what he’s really thinking. But He’s a good bloke, so it’s all right. Whatever He does, it’s all for our own good. It says so in this book He wrote."
"Even it means killing you and your little baby daughter."
"So help me build a ship to escape the flood. And I’ll let you ride on it.’
"And, no, Thomas. Father Ur-Darius is a bad man. He touches little goats at night. God said so."
But his friends didn’t believe poor Noah. Not even about Father Ur-Darius. So, Noah had to build the ship all by himself. He cut down trees and shaped them into a very big boat using his natural engineering ability. It was done so well that no one today knows how it was done. It had no iron braces to support it, and it didn’t turn all big and lumpy when exposed to the rain. And Noah used complex, university-level mathematics to make sure there was just enough space for all the animals. Noah was a very smart man.
So he worked very hard for many years. Poor Noah.
Finally, the boat was ready. It was a very big boat. It was so big, it was bigger than that boat in that movie that your older sister loves. It was so big that Noah called it an Ark.
Then God spoke inside Noah’s head again, and He said "Find me one boy animal and one girl animal of each type. Then put them inside the Ark. They are more important to Me than the humans who don’t believe in Me, and build big towers to prove that they are smarter than Me."
So Noah walked around his neighbourhood for the next week, and collected a pair of each animal, and put them in the Ark. Then he walked over to the Sahara, found some lions and tigers and hippopotamuses and vultures, and brought them into the ark as well. They would be good for humans later. Tigers, for example, burn brightly.
Then he went to America, and found the bison, bald eagle, and buffalo. And he carried them all the way back to the Middle East with him. Over the ocean. Noah was a very strong man!
But Noah was very tired after all of that. So God went to Australia, and in the blink of an eye, commanded the best kangaroo family, the best wallaby family, the best platypus family and the best koala family to cross the ocean to the Middle East, where Noah was hard at work.
God didn’t let the other kangaroos, wallabies, platypi and koalas because He found that they were evil. Just like humans who don’t worship Him.
Now, at this point, I know what you’re thinking. "What about the dinosaurs? Why aren’t there dinosaurs around today?"
Well, children, the answer is very, very simple. Dinosaurs were too big to fit on the Ark. The Ark was 137 meters long, but most dinosaurs are bigger than that.
What’s that? Why didn’t God ask Noah to build a bigger Ark then? Well, children, the answer is simple. God doesn’t like those who don’t believe in Him. And the dinosaurs did not believe in God. That’s why they are burning in Hell today. Even as I speak. Because God is real.
You can avoid Hell today by believing in God.
You don’t want be a dinosaur, do you?