In Treatment, Gift for: Razgriz91
Fic: In Treatment
Author:
Rating: certainly not anything higher than a PG-13 in my opinion.
Pairing: ultimately Hermione/Fleur but with hints of Hermione/Luna and some Hermione/Ginny along the way.
Disclaimer: Whenever I look on my drivers Liscense I am forced to admit that my initials are not JKR. Certainly if they were it is quite likely that I would not even possess a drivers license as I loved to be driven rather than do the actual driving. As such these characters belong to the wonderfully talented Ms. Rowling who has so graciously allowed us humble fanfic authors to play in her sandbox lo these many years.
Summary: Well honestly I suck at this part but here goes. Hermione is in therapy trying to figure out just why it is that she hasn't ever really been able to have, in her words, a serious committed relationship.
Recepient: Razgriz91 (to whom I deeply apologize for the lateness of this humble gift. I do so hope you enjoy it even though I don't think I really managed to honor your requests all that much.)
Author's Note: Shortly after I began writing this I had a stroke which landed me in hospital for a rather longer than expected period of time. Consequently most of this fic was written by hand as part of my occupational therapy. Unfortunately I wasn't able to read most of my own handwriting. I should also mention that I now have a hard time pursuing a single line of thought for more than an hour at best. Thus if this fic seems somehow disjointed or even nonsensical now you know why. Suffice it to say I tried I really, really tried and if I failed miserably I am sorry to disappoint.
In Treatment
“You ever wonder how she manages it.” Ronald Weasley asked his best friend, Harry Potter.
“How who manages what?” Harry asked raising the bottle of butterbeer in his hand and taking a big swallow.
“Mione, how she always manages to find some girl no matter where we go, I mean think about it. I haven’t managed to score a date in more than a year. And you, you’re the bloody Boy Who Lived, and you’re rich. If you can’t get a date what hope is there for the likes of me? But there’s Hermione,” Ron pointed his chin towards a table across the room where the female third of the Trio was talking to a vaguely familiar looking blond woman wearing a long flowing skirt and an almost transparent gauzy white shirt, “What do you want to bet she’ll go home with her?”
“Don’t know mate. Never thought about it really but let’s face it Hermione, well she turned out totally hot didn’t she. “Harry grinned, “If you were her,” he waved his beer bottle in Hermione’s general direction, “wouldn’t you.”
“Damn straight.” Ron finished off the bottle in his hand and slammed it on the tabletop for emphasis. “But seriously mate how do you think she does it?”
At that moment Ginny threw herself onto the chair across from Harry, “Really, don’t you have anything else to talk about Ron?” She slid two bottles across the table and opened a third for herself.
“Be quite.”
“I’ll tell you how she does it.”
“How would you know?” Ron said indignantly.
Harry laughed so hard at his tone beer shot out of his nose, spraying a fine mist of beer across Ginny’s chest. “Where were you our last year at Hogwarts?”
Ron spluttered, “Keeping you away from my sister.”
“It wasn’t him you should have been worried about.” Ron looked aghast at Ginny.
“You mean you and Hermione?”
“That’s right but it was long after Hogwarts.”
“No!”
“Afraid so mate,” Harry said a hint of sarcasm coloring his voice.
“How long?”
“Not too long,” Ginny shrugged nonchalantly.
“When did this happen?”
“A few years back now when she came back from the States.”
“I’ll kill her.”
“Oh do get over it Ron. Surely you’ve heard the old saying ‘Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought it back.’” Ginny said with a wink at her older brother.
“Yeah”
“Meow.”
“But you went out with Dean and that git Michael Connor.”
“And Lord knows how many others,” Harry said with a roll of his eyes.
“And you wonder why I went with Hermione?”
“All right I can see your point there but Dean was a nice guy. He really liked you.” Ron looked at the bottle in his hand. “Am I the only one who didn’t know?”
“Well I never told Mum. Didn’t see the need to really, besides you know Mum still has hopes that you and Mione…”
“Oh come off it Mum knows about Hermione. You remember how upset she was when she and Luna broke up.”
“True.”
“Anyways,” Harry cut in, “How does she manage.”
“That’s easy now. Hermione’s a great ‘starter lesbian.”
“A what?” the two boys said in unison.
“A starter lesbian, Hermione has a way of making one feel really relaxed, accepted you know. She’s completely non-threatening and perfectly fine with the idea that the woman she’s bedding is really just curious about what it’s like to be with another woman.” Ginny took another swallow of her beer. “And if you’re curious…well that’s just the sort of person you want to be with. No pressure, no hassle and no worries that things will end badly. A girl knows she’ll always be friends with Hermione. It doesn’t hurt that Mione’s not the kiss and tell type either.”
“Were you ‘just curious’ as you put it?”
“No it was more than that but then I met Richard and…well you know how that went.”
“According to Luna she’s an amazing kisser,” Harry said with a leer.
“I’ll tell you this much, the things she can do with her mouth should be illegal.”
Just then the woman in question joined them at the table. “Hey you,” she said nudging Ginny with her elbow so that the red-haired woman moved over to make space for her to sit. “What are you lot on about?”
“You, you tramp, you broke my sister’s heart,” Ron said half-jokingly.
“Bollocks.”
“I never said that.”
“Besides how do you know she didn’t break mine?”
“Because I’ve never seen you without a girl attached to your hip since we left Hogwarts 15 years ago.”
“Jealous then are you?”
“Just wondering how you do it is all,” Harry said.
“Well then I’ll let you in on a little secret,” the brunette leaned over the table a conspiratorial gleam in her eye, "The more emotionally unavailable you are the more women want you." She snatched Ron's bottle from his grasp, took a deep pull then gave it back to him with a grin. "Sick, twisted and sad but nonetheless true."
"And you've had how many girlfriends since you came back from the States? For that matter how many did you have when you were in the States?"
"Exactly! If anyone knows it's me."
******
Hermione fidgeted about trying to find a comfortable position in the deep leather chair she was sitting on before speaking. “I think I have some real issues with commitment.”
“And why’s that?”
“Well it’s not that I am not capable of being with someone for long periods of time. It’s just that I’ve never really felt that I’ve given my relationships my all, you know. There’s always some part of me that’s held myself back somehow. I’m always looking elsewhere for something, someone else.”
“Someone in particular then?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“My best friend, Ginny.”
“Have you ever told her how you feel?”
“Well it’s kind of complicated.”
“How so?”
“It just is.” Hermione shifted again in her seat then ran her hands through her hair. “I’ve been in love with her forever. Since fourth year at least, infatuated even longer if I am really honest with myself.”
“Does she know?”
“How could she not I’ve told.”
*****
The figure under the covers moaned and stretched for almost a minute before tossing the covers aside and sitting up. As usual, Hermione was the first to rise. She stretched some more while softly humming ‘Happy Birthday to me’ then headed for the showers.
Twenty minutes later she’s standing in front of her closet trying to decide what to wear, she and Ginny were spending her birthday together in Hogsmeade, but late September, early October, weather can be from one end of the spectrum to the next so being properly dressed could be tricky proposition. Finally she decided on a pair of jeans, a plum colored polo shirt and a sweatshirt that read ‘Stuyvesant’. The shirt from her American cousin Joey’s old secondary school alma mater in New York City was one of her favorites. Black trainers completed the outfit.
Finally dressed she stashed her wand in her pocket and headed down the dormitory steps to the common room. Harry, Ron, Neville, Ginny and a few others who just happened to be in the room when Hermione came through the door shouted “Happy Birthday.
*****
“I reached out and grabbed her in this fierce hug, lifted her clear off the floor, and I just said it. I hadn’t meant to, never really given it much thought even. I mean sure I always noticed Ginny, how pretty she was, how funny and, once she got over the whole I-can’t-even-talk-when-he’s-in-the-room-thing with Harry, vivacious she was. And her hair, it smelled like peppermint and lemon, was as thick and as lush as it had always been but it was different this time. This time…it was as if all of a sudden a switch went off in my head and that smell, that unique Ginny smell, all of a sudden that smell meant home…home and love and safety. And I found myself thinking, my God I love you, and the next thing I know I’m saying it.”
*****
Ginny pulled back somewhat to catch Hermione’s brown eyes with her own blue ones. She stared intently at the brunette and broke into a huge smile. To Hermione it felt as if time were coming to a complete stop all background noise faded and all she could hear was Ginny’s voice. “I love you too silly. Now let’s get you down to breakfast and then we can go spend the day in town.”
*****
"We spent the rest of the day in Hogsmeade with the boys well actually we ditched them after a bit come to think of it. We spent the afternoon window shopping, walking and talking. We got back to the castle before everyone else and went up to the dorms to put some things I’d bought away. Ginny was standing at the windowsill looking out over the lake."
*****
“I do love you, you know.”
Hermione came to stand behind Ginny who continued to stare out the window. She wound her arms around the red haired girl’s waist and put her chin on her shoulder. “I know Gin. Just not like…” her voice failed as Ginny slid her arms up to cover Hermione’s then twine their fingers together.
“I’m scared,” she leaned back further into Hermione’s embrace, “I…my…what would…what would people, Ron, my MUM what would…. I’m scared.” Ginny let her head fall back to brush the curve of Hermione’s jaw with her lips. Hermione shivered, arms tightening ever so slightly.
“I can understand that. Nothing has to happen, nothing has to change. I just…it just came to me, like lightning, and I…I didn’t mean to say anything…I’m sorry that I scared you. I love you. I just….”
“I just need some time.”
*****
“And I gave it to her you know. I was so patient but after a few months…I couldn’t put my life on hold you know. So after awhile I started dating this girl and wouldn’t you know it Ginny finally made up her mind. But I wasn't going to end things with her on Ginny’s whim you know, besides I really did care for Lisa and so we talked and Ginny understood. It wasn’t the right time. We agreed that if things ended between Lisa and I and Ginny still wasn’t seeing someone then we would have a go at it.
Things ended with Lisa when Harry, Ron and I left school before our final year, and well it would have been criminally unfair to begin something with Gin when I couldn’t really have given it my all. We were busy trying to save the world, who had time for a girlfriend? But after the war was over, when we returned to Hogwarts, by that time Ginny had started dating this guy, I can’t even remember his name, he was a total tool, and so that wasn’t the right time either.
It went back and forth like that for years really. I moved to the States and lived there for a little over three years and except for the occasional note we had nothing to do with each other until I returned. We kept tabs on each other through friends, her brother Ron is one of my best friends from Hogwarts and he and Harry made sure to keep us abreast of the other's life, but that was it. But when I came home to England we reconnected and it was like we had never been apart. It’s always been like that, sometimes we go weeks, months even, without speaking but as soon as we get back in touch it’s like nothing ever changed. No time has passed; the conversation just picks up where it left off.
And of course by then she was going out with Brandon and she was so happy…what else could I do but keep my mouth shut. A couple of months later when they broke up…it was the first time both of us were single at the same time. Not that we took up with each other right away, you know, but we did start spending a lot of time together. We had dinner twice a week, talked every day, went to the cinema on the weekends etc…. One day we went to the movies and afterwards when we were walking, hand in hand we always did that even when we were kids. Anyways we were walking back to my apartment, I was living in Muggle London then, we were stopped at the crosswalk waiting for the light to change….”
*****
Hermione was hyper aware of Ginny’s thumb gently stroking over the back of her hand. It was misty out, the fog made it almost impossible to see the crossing signal and the streetlight seemed almost like a cocoon to her.
“Gin…”
“I love you Mione.”
“I know.”
“Do you still…”
“Very much so. Nothing’s changed.”
Then Ginny’s lips were on hers and….
*****
“It was…my heart it stopped you know and my stomach, my stomach just about hit the floor. My knees went weak and it was like the whole world just came to a complete stop. The only thing I could feel or see or hear was her, her lips her tongue brushing against my lips asking for entrance. When she slipped her tongue into my mouth…I can’t describe the feeling, the utter joy and peace I felt.” She surreptitiously wiped a tear away, when she continued speaking her voice was tight with emotion. “Look at me, this always happens, whenever I think about it, talk about it, this always happens. I always get like this.” Taking a deep sigh she collected herself, still thinking about that night.
*****
“Was that okay.”
“It was more than okay.”
The light changed and they crossed the street, still holding hands, to continue the walk to Hermione’s apartment. Once inside they kissed briefly again, this time Hermione initiated it, and then Ginny apparated home.
*****
“After that we started dating, really dating. I suppose one could say that that was what we had been doing all along but now we both agreed that that was what was happening between us. It was great, I was so happy and then one day Ginny stood me up for dinner. No call, no owl nothing she just didn’t meet me at our usual Wednesday dinner place. It took me almost two days to finally get in touch with her and all she had to say was that she was sorry. She hadn’t meant to do that but she’d been having a drink with a co-worker and one thing had led to another and the next thing she knew it was past midnight. It happened like that three times over the next two weeks until one night….
*****
Hermione sat on the sofa in her living room, a cup of tea on the coffee table in front of her, Crookshanks in her lap, reading a novel when the owl she had given Ginny just last Christmas began to peck at the window. Pushing a very disgruntled Crookshanks of her lap she rose and crossed the room to the window.
“Hello Sylvester what do you have for me?” Reaching out she untied the scroll from the barn owl’s leg and opened it.
M ~~
Really must speak with you. Please come as soon as you can.
~~ G
Filled with a feeling of dread she addressed Sylvester who hooted plaintively, “She’s going to break my heart isn’t she?” Large yellow eyes blinked slowly. “She is isn’t she?”
*****
Well of course I went straight over. We had a long talk about everything. Our friendship, how important it was to both of us and how above all else that was what was most important. And I remember she said she loved me, loved me very much but that it wasn’t going to work out with us in the long run because…
*****
“You know I love you but….”
“Its Richard right, you’ve fallen for him?”
Ginny nodded solemnly. “I do love you.”
“Just not enough.”
“It’s different for you and me. I like women but I love men and you, you like men but you love women.” Blinking back tears Hermione nodded, she could not speak for the lump in her throat. “Mione,” Ginny reached out to touch the back of the brunette’s hand, “Please say something. Anything.”
Pulling her hand away Hermione mumbled, “Something. Anything.”
“Herm…”
“What do you want me to say? 'I understand': because I do. 'I want you to be happy': because I do. But you know that, you know that that is all I’ve ever wanted for you. But like you said all those years ago at Hogwarts ‘I need time’.
There was a long heavy silence and then Ginny spoke, "I would understand it if you didn't want to see me anymore."
"That's not what I want. Not forever at any rate. But maybe for a little while." Hermione turned to Ginny and reaching out curled a lock of brilliant red hair around her finger before gently stroking Ginny’s cheek. “As soon as I saw Sylvester I knew you were going to break my heart.”
“I…I wasn’t…I didn’t mean to.”
“I know but the heart wants what it wants. And you want…Richard is it?” Ginny nodded, “And I want you to have whatever, whomever, you want.” She drew the younger woman into a hug and whispered into her ear, “Even if it isn’t me.” She pressed a soft kiss onto Ginny’s cheek then stood. “I think I’m going to go now. I forgot to feed Crookshanks.”
“Will you call me next week; let me know how you are.”
“I can’t promise.”
“I don’t want to stop being friends.”
“I don’t either but I think it would be best for me if maybe we didn’t see each other for a while.”
“Okay.”
“I still love you, you’re still my best friend I just need some time to recover is all. You know Dean, Michael Corner they always said you weren’t easy to get over. I guess I’ll find out for myself now.”
“I never felt half as much for them as I do for you.”
“But you don’t feel as much for me as you do for Richard now do you?” With that she spun around on the spot and disapparated with a small pop.
*****
“We didn’t see or speak to each other for almost a year after that.”
“And when you finally did what happened then?”
“We met up again at Katie Bell’s Christmas party. By that time I was with Jennifer, she was with some altogether different guy and it was just like always as if we’d never stopped speaking, we’d never been apart.” Hermione took a sip of water from the glass sitting on the end table next to her before continuing. "You know the really fucked up thing? The really fucked up thing is that since then, and this was like what eight, ten years ago. Ever since then whenever she gets really shit faced drunk, she calls me or Floos me and it's always the same thing. She loves me, she wishes she could be with me, but she can't really handle being in love with another woman. I'm her soulmate. Yada Yada Yada."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"It pisses me the fuck off of course, saddens me even more I think. I know that in the morning she won't remember saying it and I resent the hell out of it. It's like she won't let me go. How am I supposed to go on to make a life with someone else, some other woman, when she pulls this shit. Sometimes I think that she knows that on some level I am still in love with her."
"Have you ever considered that maybe Ginny does this on purpose, that she wants the security and comfort of knowing you love her, are in love with her even."
"I’d hate to think that she was that selfish, that self centered but honestly, honestly I have thought that. And I forgive her for it. Sometimes I even think that I use it as an excuse to not be truly involved in my relationships."
"When we first started our sessions you said that you had started to see someone new. Are you still together?
"Yes."
"How has that been working out?"
"Really well, we've been together for the past six months. I think I love her, maybe as much as I love Ginny, loved Ginny. Her name is Fleur; in fact she used to be Ginny's sister-in-law. Her husband Bill died a few years ago after a lengthy illness. In some ways I think she is the only woman I have ever dated who truly understands the dynamic Ginny and I have."
"When you say she understands the dynamic you have with Ginny what do you mean?"
"I know she is still in love with Bill but I know she loves me too. It's just a different love, strong and valid, but different nonetheless. Does that make sense?"
"Yes it does."
"Lately she's been talking about living together."
"And?"
Hermione said nothing.
"Do you love her?"
"Yes."
"Are you in love with her?"
Hermione fiddled with the strap on her watch for several minutes before answering.
"Yes. Yes I am."
"So?"
"So I think I'll be moving soon."
Author:
Rating: certainly not anything higher than a PG-13 in my opinion.
Pairing: ultimately Hermione/Fleur but with hints of Hermione/Luna and some Hermione/Ginny along the way.
Disclaimer: Whenever I look on my drivers Liscense I am forced to admit that my initials are not JKR. Certainly if they were it is quite likely that I would not even possess a drivers license as I loved to be driven rather than do the actual driving. As such these characters belong to the wonderfully talented Ms. Rowling who has so graciously allowed us humble fanfic authors to play in her sandbox lo these many years.
Summary: Well honestly I suck at this part but here goes. Hermione is in therapy trying to figure out just why it is that she hasn't ever really been able to have, in her words, a serious committed relationship.
Recepient: Razgriz91 (to whom I deeply apologize for the lateness of this humble gift. I do so hope you enjoy it even though I don't think I really managed to honor your requests all that much.)
Author's Note: Shortly after I began writing this I had a stroke which landed me in hospital for a rather longer than expected period of time. Consequently most of this fic was written by hand as part of my occupational therapy. Unfortunately I wasn't able to read most of my own handwriting. I should also mention that I now have a hard time pursuing a single line of thought for more than an hour at best. Thus if this fic seems somehow disjointed or even nonsensical now you know why. Suffice it to say I tried I really, really tried and if I failed miserably I am sorry to disappoint.
In Treatment
“You ever wonder how she manages it.” Ronald Weasley asked his best friend, Harry Potter.
“How who manages what?” Harry asked raising the bottle of butterbeer in his hand and taking a big swallow.
“Mione, how she always manages to find some girl no matter where we go, I mean think about it. I haven’t managed to score a date in more than a year. And you, you’re the bloody Boy Who Lived, and you’re rich. If you can’t get a date what hope is there for the likes of me? But there’s Hermione,” Ron pointed his chin towards a table across the room where the female third of the Trio was talking to a vaguely familiar looking blond woman wearing a long flowing skirt and an almost transparent gauzy white shirt, “What do you want to bet she’ll go home with her?”
“Don’t know mate. Never thought about it really but let’s face it Hermione, well she turned out totally hot didn’t she. “Harry grinned, “If you were her,” he waved his beer bottle in Hermione’s general direction, “wouldn’t you.”
“Damn straight.” Ron finished off the bottle in his hand and slammed it on the tabletop for emphasis. “But seriously mate how do you think she does it?”
At that moment Ginny threw herself onto the chair across from Harry, “Really, don’t you have anything else to talk about Ron?” She slid two bottles across the table and opened a third for herself.
“Be quite.”
“I’ll tell you how she does it.”
“How would you know?” Ron said indignantly.
Harry laughed so hard at his tone beer shot out of his nose, spraying a fine mist of beer across Ginny’s chest. “Where were you our last year at Hogwarts?”
Ron spluttered, “Keeping you away from my sister.”
“It wasn’t him you should have been worried about.” Ron looked aghast at Ginny.
“You mean you and Hermione?”
“That’s right but it was long after Hogwarts.”
“No!”
“Afraid so mate,” Harry said a hint of sarcasm coloring his voice.
“How long?”
“Not too long,” Ginny shrugged nonchalantly.
“When did this happen?”
“A few years back now when she came back from the States.”
“I’ll kill her.”
“Oh do get over it Ron. Surely you’ve heard the old saying ‘Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought it back.’” Ginny said with a wink at her older brother.
“Yeah”
“Meow.”
“But you went out with Dean and that git Michael Connor.”
“And Lord knows how many others,” Harry said with a roll of his eyes.
“And you wonder why I went with Hermione?”
“All right I can see your point there but Dean was a nice guy. He really liked you.” Ron looked at the bottle in his hand. “Am I the only one who didn’t know?”
“Well I never told Mum. Didn’t see the need to really, besides you know Mum still has hopes that you and Mione…”
“Oh come off it Mum knows about Hermione. You remember how upset she was when she and Luna broke up.”
“True.”
“Anyways,” Harry cut in, “How does she manage.”
“That’s easy now. Hermione’s a great ‘starter lesbian.”
“A what?” the two boys said in unison.
“A starter lesbian, Hermione has a way of making one feel really relaxed, accepted you know. She’s completely non-threatening and perfectly fine with the idea that the woman she’s bedding is really just curious about what it’s like to be with another woman.” Ginny took another swallow of her beer. “And if you’re curious…well that’s just the sort of person you want to be with. No pressure, no hassle and no worries that things will end badly. A girl knows she’ll always be friends with Hermione. It doesn’t hurt that Mione’s not the kiss and tell type either.”
“Were you ‘just curious’ as you put it?”
“No it was more than that but then I met Richard and…well you know how that went.”
“According to Luna she’s an amazing kisser,” Harry said with a leer.
“I’ll tell you this much, the things she can do with her mouth should be illegal.”
Just then the woman in question joined them at the table. “Hey you,” she said nudging Ginny with her elbow so that the red-haired woman moved over to make space for her to sit. “What are you lot on about?”
“You, you tramp, you broke my sister’s heart,” Ron said half-jokingly.
“Bollocks.”
“I never said that.”
“Besides how do you know she didn’t break mine?”
“Because I’ve never seen you without a girl attached to your hip since we left Hogwarts 15 years ago.”
“Jealous then are you?”
“Just wondering how you do it is all,” Harry said.
“Well then I’ll let you in on a little secret,” the brunette leaned over the table a conspiratorial gleam in her eye, "The more emotionally unavailable you are the more women want you." She snatched Ron's bottle from his grasp, took a deep pull then gave it back to him with a grin. "Sick, twisted and sad but nonetheless true."
"And you've had how many girlfriends since you came back from the States? For that matter how many did you have when you were in the States?"
"Exactly! If anyone knows it's me."
******
Hermione fidgeted about trying to find a comfortable position in the deep leather chair she was sitting on before speaking. “I think I have some real issues with commitment.”
“And why’s that?”
“Well it’s not that I am not capable of being with someone for long periods of time. It’s just that I’ve never really felt that I’ve given my relationships my all, you know. There’s always some part of me that’s held myself back somehow. I’m always looking elsewhere for something, someone else.”
“Someone in particular then?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“My best friend, Ginny.”
“Have you ever told her how you feel?”
“Well it’s kind of complicated.”
“How so?”
“It just is.” Hermione shifted again in her seat then ran her hands through her hair. “I’ve been in love with her forever. Since fourth year at least, infatuated even longer if I am really honest with myself.”
“Does she know?”
“How could she not I’ve told.”
*****
The figure under the covers moaned and stretched for almost a minute before tossing the covers aside and sitting up. As usual, Hermione was the first to rise. She stretched some more while softly humming ‘Happy Birthday to me’ then headed for the showers.
Twenty minutes later she’s standing in front of her closet trying to decide what to wear, she and Ginny were spending her birthday together in Hogsmeade, but late September, early October, weather can be from one end of the spectrum to the next so being properly dressed could be tricky proposition. Finally she decided on a pair of jeans, a plum colored polo shirt and a sweatshirt that read ‘Stuyvesant’. The shirt from her American cousin Joey’s old secondary school alma mater in New York City was one of her favorites. Black trainers completed the outfit.
Finally dressed she stashed her wand in her pocket and headed down the dormitory steps to the common room. Harry, Ron, Neville, Ginny and a few others who just happened to be in the room when Hermione came through the door shouted “Happy Birthday.
*****
“I reached out and grabbed her in this fierce hug, lifted her clear off the floor, and I just said it. I hadn’t meant to, never really given it much thought even. I mean sure I always noticed Ginny, how pretty she was, how funny and, once she got over the whole I-can’t-even-talk-when-he’s-in-the-room-thing with Harry, vivacious she was. And her hair, it smelled like peppermint and lemon, was as thick and as lush as it had always been but it was different this time. This time…it was as if all of a sudden a switch went off in my head and that smell, that unique Ginny smell, all of a sudden that smell meant home…home and love and safety. And I found myself thinking, my God I love you, and the next thing I know I’m saying it.”
*****
Ginny pulled back somewhat to catch Hermione’s brown eyes with her own blue ones. She stared intently at the brunette and broke into a huge smile. To Hermione it felt as if time were coming to a complete stop all background noise faded and all she could hear was Ginny’s voice. “I love you too silly. Now let’s get you down to breakfast and then we can go spend the day in town.”
*****
"We spent the rest of the day in Hogsmeade with the boys well actually we ditched them after a bit come to think of it. We spent the afternoon window shopping, walking and talking. We got back to the castle before everyone else and went up to the dorms to put some things I’d bought away. Ginny was standing at the windowsill looking out over the lake."
*****
“I do love you, you know.”
Hermione came to stand behind Ginny who continued to stare out the window. She wound her arms around the red haired girl’s waist and put her chin on her shoulder. “I know Gin. Just not like…” her voice failed as Ginny slid her arms up to cover Hermione’s then twine their fingers together.
“I’m scared,” she leaned back further into Hermione’s embrace, “I…my…what would…what would people, Ron, my MUM what would…. I’m scared.” Ginny let her head fall back to brush the curve of Hermione’s jaw with her lips. Hermione shivered, arms tightening ever so slightly.
“I can understand that. Nothing has to happen, nothing has to change. I just…it just came to me, like lightning, and I…I didn’t mean to say anything…I’m sorry that I scared you. I love you. I just….”
“I just need some time.”
*****
“And I gave it to her you know. I was so patient but after a few months…I couldn’t put my life on hold you know. So after awhile I started dating this girl and wouldn’t you know it Ginny finally made up her mind. But I wasn't going to end things with her on Ginny’s whim you know, besides I really did care for Lisa and so we talked and Ginny understood. It wasn’t the right time. We agreed that if things ended between Lisa and I and Ginny still wasn’t seeing someone then we would have a go at it.
Things ended with Lisa when Harry, Ron and I left school before our final year, and well it would have been criminally unfair to begin something with Gin when I couldn’t really have given it my all. We were busy trying to save the world, who had time for a girlfriend? But after the war was over, when we returned to Hogwarts, by that time Ginny had started dating this guy, I can’t even remember his name, he was a total tool, and so that wasn’t the right time either.
It went back and forth like that for years really. I moved to the States and lived there for a little over three years and except for the occasional note we had nothing to do with each other until I returned. We kept tabs on each other through friends, her brother Ron is one of my best friends from Hogwarts and he and Harry made sure to keep us abreast of the other's life, but that was it. But when I came home to England we reconnected and it was like we had never been apart. It’s always been like that, sometimes we go weeks, months even, without speaking but as soon as we get back in touch it’s like nothing ever changed. No time has passed; the conversation just picks up where it left off.
And of course by then she was going out with Brandon and she was so happy…what else could I do but keep my mouth shut. A couple of months later when they broke up…it was the first time both of us were single at the same time. Not that we took up with each other right away, you know, but we did start spending a lot of time together. We had dinner twice a week, talked every day, went to the cinema on the weekends etc…. One day we went to the movies and afterwards when we were walking, hand in hand we always did that even when we were kids. Anyways we were walking back to my apartment, I was living in Muggle London then, we were stopped at the crosswalk waiting for the light to change….”
*****
Hermione was hyper aware of Ginny’s thumb gently stroking over the back of her hand. It was misty out, the fog made it almost impossible to see the crossing signal and the streetlight seemed almost like a cocoon to her.
“Gin…”
“I love you Mione.”
“I know.”
“Do you still…”
“Very much so. Nothing’s changed.”
Then Ginny’s lips were on hers and….
*****
“It was…my heart it stopped you know and my stomach, my stomach just about hit the floor. My knees went weak and it was like the whole world just came to a complete stop. The only thing I could feel or see or hear was her, her lips her tongue brushing against my lips asking for entrance. When she slipped her tongue into my mouth…I can’t describe the feeling, the utter joy and peace I felt.” She surreptitiously wiped a tear away, when she continued speaking her voice was tight with emotion. “Look at me, this always happens, whenever I think about it, talk about it, this always happens. I always get like this.” Taking a deep sigh she collected herself, still thinking about that night.
*****
“Was that okay.”
“It was more than okay.”
The light changed and they crossed the street, still holding hands, to continue the walk to Hermione’s apartment. Once inside they kissed briefly again, this time Hermione initiated it, and then Ginny apparated home.
*****
“After that we started dating, really dating. I suppose one could say that that was what we had been doing all along but now we both agreed that that was what was happening between us. It was great, I was so happy and then one day Ginny stood me up for dinner. No call, no owl nothing she just didn’t meet me at our usual Wednesday dinner place. It took me almost two days to finally get in touch with her and all she had to say was that she was sorry. She hadn’t meant to do that but she’d been having a drink with a co-worker and one thing had led to another and the next thing she knew it was past midnight. It happened like that three times over the next two weeks until one night….
*****
Hermione sat on the sofa in her living room, a cup of tea on the coffee table in front of her, Crookshanks in her lap, reading a novel when the owl she had given Ginny just last Christmas began to peck at the window. Pushing a very disgruntled Crookshanks of her lap she rose and crossed the room to the window.
“Hello Sylvester what do you have for me?” Reaching out she untied the scroll from the barn owl’s leg and opened it.
M ~~
Really must speak with you. Please come as soon as you can.
~~ G
Filled with a feeling of dread she addressed Sylvester who hooted plaintively, “She’s going to break my heart isn’t she?” Large yellow eyes blinked slowly. “She is isn’t she?”
*****
Well of course I went straight over. We had a long talk about everything. Our friendship, how important it was to both of us and how above all else that was what was most important. And I remember she said she loved me, loved me very much but that it wasn’t going to work out with us in the long run because…
*****
“You know I love you but….”
“Its Richard right, you’ve fallen for him?”
Ginny nodded solemnly. “I do love you.”
“Just not enough.”
“It’s different for you and me. I like women but I love men and you, you like men but you love women.” Blinking back tears Hermione nodded, she could not speak for the lump in her throat. “Mione,” Ginny reached out to touch the back of the brunette’s hand, “Please say something. Anything.”
Pulling her hand away Hermione mumbled, “Something. Anything.”
“Herm…”
“What do you want me to say? 'I understand': because I do. 'I want you to be happy': because I do. But you know that, you know that that is all I’ve ever wanted for you. But like you said all those years ago at Hogwarts ‘I need time’.
There was a long heavy silence and then Ginny spoke, "I would understand it if you didn't want to see me anymore."
"That's not what I want. Not forever at any rate. But maybe for a little while." Hermione turned to Ginny and reaching out curled a lock of brilliant red hair around her finger before gently stroking Ginny’s cheek. “As soon as I saw Sylvester I knew you were going to break my heart.”
“I…I wasn’t…I didn’t mean to.”
“I know but the heart wants what it wants. And you want…Richard is it?” Ginny nodded, “And I want you to have whatever, whomever, you want.” She drew the younger woman into a hug and whispered into her ear, “Even if it isn’t me.” She pressed a soft kiss onto Ginny’s cheek then stood. “I think I’m going to go now. I forgot to feed Crookshanks.”
“Will you call me next week; let me know how you are.”
“I can’t promise.”
“I don’t want to stop being friends.”
“I don’t either but I think it would be best for me if maybe we didn’t see each other for a while.”
“Okay.”
“I still love you, you’re still my best friend I just need some time to recover is all. You know Dean, Michael Corner they always said you weren’t easy to get over. I guess I’ll find out for myself now.”
“I never felt half as much for them as I do for you.”
“But you don’t feel as much for me as you do for Richard now do you?” With that she spun around on the spot and disapparated with a small pop.
*****
“We didn’t see or speak to each other for almost a year after that.”
“And when you finally did what happened then?”
“We met up again at Katie Bell’s Christmas party. By that time I was with Jennifer, she was with some altogether different guy and it was just like always as if we’d never stopped speaking, we’d never been apart.” Hermione took a sip of water from the glass sitting on the end table next to her before continuing. "You know the really fucked up thing? The really fucked up thing is that since then, and this was like what eight, ten years ago. Ever since then whenever she gets really shit faced drunk, she calls me or Floos me and it's always the same thing. She loves me, she wishes she could be with me, but she can't really handle being in love with another woman. I'm her soulmate. Yada Yada Yada."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"It pisses me the fuck off of course, saddens me even more I think. I know that in the morning she won't remember saying it and I resent the hell out of it. It's like she won't let me go. How am I supposed to go on to make a life with someone else, some other woman, when she pulls this shit. Sometimes I think that she knows that on some level I am still in love with her."
"Have you ever considered that maybe Ginny does this on purpose, that she wants the security and comfort of knowing you love her, are in love with her even."
"I’d hate to think that she was that selfish, that self centered but honestly, honestly I have thought that. And I forgive her for it. Sometimes I even think that I use it as an excuse to not be truly involved in my relationships."
"When we first started our sessions you said that you had started to see someone new. Are you still together?
"Yes."
"How has that been working out?"
"Really well, we've been together for the past six months. I think I love her, maybe as much as I love Ginny, loved Ginny. Her name is Fleur; in fact she used to be Ginny's sister-in-law. Her husband Bill died a few years ago after a lengthy illness. In some ways I think she is the only woman I have ever dated who truly understands the dynamic Ginny and I have."
"When you say she understands the dynamic you have with Ginny what do you mean?"
"I know she is still in love with Bill but I know she loves me too. It's just a different love, strong and valid, but different nonetheless. Does that make sense?"
"Yes it does."
"Lately she's been talking about living together."
"And?"
Hermione said nothing.
"Do you love her?"
"Yes."
"Are you in love with her?"
Hermione fiddled with the strap on her watch for several minutes before answering.
"Yes. Yes I am."
"So?"
"So I think I'll be moving soon."