Killing James Potter, Gift For: zizi_dickinson
Title: Killing James Potter
Author:
Pairing: Bellatrix/Lily
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Unfortunate situations involving Bellatrix's Most Evil Plan are causing things to look very glum… Also, her face is starting to twitch uncontrollably…
Warnings: Crack!fic
Recipient: zizi_dickinson
A/N: Right, well, you said well written crack, so I hope you don’t mind this, I call it crap!crack, mostly because it is unbelievably retarded. It was also written in an insanely short amount of time. My sincerest apologies. However, you must admit my expertise at pushing the shift key and typing at the same time is slightly admirable. Also, I stuck to mager plot points that happened before the story, but I'm not sure what happens after. *ducks*
It was a dark and stormy night and she, the huntress, seeker of injustice, and destroyer of enemies, sat in the shadows, stalking her prey. Thunder roared in the distance and lighting shot through the skies! Behold! The HUNTRESS! SEEKER OF ALL INJUSTICE AND-
“Black, what the hell are you doing?”
My eyes narrowed. Who dare to interrupt my hunting?! Who dare to awake the great beast who-
“Jesus Christ, Black, would you stop staring at my boyfriend, it’s creeping me out.”
I glared at my intruder. “You shall see, Evans, soon I will creep you out even more. Even more…” I laughed evilly.
Lily rolled her eyes, shifting her books from one arm to the other. “Do you mind? It’s lunch time, everyone can see you, and they’re starting to point.”
It may have been lunchtime, but that did not protect them from the-
Lily sighed. “Come on, Severus, let’s go.” AHA! The evil redhead and her sappy, greasy-haired friend had walked away, and now I could focus on my Most Important, Evil Plan Of Ever!
KILL JAMES POTTER.
Oh yes, that’s right. JAMES POTTER. Dead. Killed. Massacred. Blood everywhere! MWAHAHHAHAHA!
I coughed slightly when I noticed the pair of first years laughing and staring at me. It would not be good to stick out. Not yet. It would make JAMES POTTER suspect something.
I had a plan of how this was going to work. First, I would creep up on JAMES POTTER when he was alone, then, I would stab through his heart with a sword. Then, I would stick needles in his eyes, cut his hands off and feed him to the Giant Squid. And then Lily Evans’ boyfriend would be dead, and she and the rest of their stupid gang would be absolutely heartbroken and JAMES POTTER would be dead.
It was a foolproof plan. The only thing I needed to do was get JAMES POTTER alone…with me, alone with him, of course.
“Black, will you please put those binoculars down,” Lily sighed, leaning back in her chair. Lowering them, I turned towards my enemy and glowered at her.
“It is no concern of yours, Evans, however, I am doing something very important right now that can’t be interrupted.”
“What? Counting James’ nose hairs?”
Damn that girl, how did she know?
I glared at her. “How do you know that counting such a thing would not help me with my evil plan?”
Lily raised an eyebrow. “What are you going to do, pluck out his nose hairs?”
I glared even more. “Perhaps…”
With a groan, Lily started scribbling in her notebook, ignoring me. This bothered me considerably. Was she implying that my absolutely wonderful plan was not going to work? Did she think that it was somehow missing something?
“Black, would you please stop poking my ear with your binoculars.” Scoffing, I moved away. I was not trying to poke her ear, I was trying to examine her brain! Idiotic muggleborns…
Lily sighed again. “Look, Black, you’re not going to kill James, okay, get over it.”
I must admit that I gasped loudly at this point.
“HOW DO YOU KNOW!?” I yelled, aghast, jumping from my chair and giving poor Denise Shackleton a heart attack.
“Everyone knows,” Lily groaned, rolling her eyes and ignoring the rest of the class as they jumped to Shackleton’s aid. I sat down slowly and examined my fingertips. There was something that had to be done with Lily’s current state of knowledge, I just wasn’t sure what…
Wiping the sweat off my hand onto my trouser leg, I returned it to a vice-like grip around a long, coarse piece of rope. Any moment now, Potter would walk by and accidentally step into the trap I had carefully laid out for him. All I had to do was wait…
There was a popping noise behind me. I felt my cheek begin to twitch.
“So… what exactly are we trying to do here?”
“Evans, I thought I told you to leave,” I muttered, twisting the rope between my hands as the veins in my forehead began to throb.
There was another pop and the sound of chewing. “I really must say though, that this is probably one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen you do…”
“This is a part of my plan!” I snapped.
“Black, you’re kneeling behind a bush, holding a rope, and I don’t know if you’ve realized this yet, but your face is twitching oddly...”
I grabbed my cheek and glared. Spinning around, I set my focus back to where it had been before: my trap.
“You know, we could just use a trail of breadcrumbs and lure him into a mouse trap, or we could make Severus dance in front of him naked and try to lure him with that…”
I was silent, even though she was making my plan sound ludicrous (though it completely wasn’t!). It seemed to work because afterwards there was a blissful amount of silence. Contentedly, I settled into this new found haven and continued to wait for…
“Black, Black, Black, Black, Black, Bellatrix, BELLATRIX, BELLATRIX!”
“WHAT!” I screamed, veering around, ready to pounce on her.
Lily looked at me innocently. “James is here.”
I turned around in time to see James and his friends falling over themselves with laughter.
My eye began to twitch unceasingly.
“It wasn’t my fault you fell asleep,” Lily whispered, leaning closer to my ear. “I tried waking you quietly, but you just kept on snoring! Besides, it was just a rope with a hole on the other end; I don’t think James would have fallen for it.”
Crossing my arms, I shot her a glare. “It was completely your fault, you imbecile, now shut up!”
At any other time I would have wondered why the hell Lily Evans was following me around, but right now there were much more important things happening.
You see, as much of an annoying pest as Lily was, she had her benefits. Why, you may ask? Well, because she had inspired me to do something incredibly clever and vile. Because of her, tonight at ten o’clock, approximately two minutes from now, James Potter will walk onto the edges of the Forbidden Forest, all alone, and I WILL KILL HIM.
How will I kill him? Well, pretty much the same way I described to you before, you know, with the heart stabbing and such. But what’s truly genius about this plan was how I managed to get him to come here.
I forged a love note to him, telling him to come to the edge of the forest at ten o’clock. And here’s where it gets evil: I signed it with Lily’s name.
Oh yes, very, very evil.
Now I just had to wait…
Lily inspected her fingernails. “Did you get the Potions homework done?”
“Yes, I did,” I muttered absently, concentrating on my task. It was so close! James would soon be dead, everything would be perfect… There was simply no way my plan could fail.
“Is there a reason you asked me to transfigure a sword?”
I felt my eye begin to twitch again. “No, I just like swords. Did you bring it?”
Sighing, Lily handed the sword to me. It was very plain, I’d much prefer something more sinister, but it would have to do.
I counted off a mental checklist. Sword, check, evil plan, check, forest, check, ten o’clock, check, James…
I frowned. What with all the inner monologue, and the sword exchange, and the talk with Lily, it had to be after ten so… where was James?
I cleared my throat casually. “Er, Evans, I’m just curious, but, uh, is James ever… late for your dates?”
“Hmm…” Lily brushed a leaf of her leg. “No, he’s actually pretty much always early, why do you ask?”
“Uhh…no reason…” This was not good. This was definitely not good…
Lily paused for a moment. “You know, I feel as though this reminds me of something…”
Maybe someone had done the job for me? What if they’d seen James walking all alone…
“It was something important…” Lily tapped her cheek. “Gosh, it just seems like I should say something…”
…and they’d decided to just kill him right there, on the spot. I paled. James: dead?
“OH! I have it!” Lily smacked her leg triumphantly. “You didn’t happen to write James a love letter, did you?”
I froze. “Why do you ask…?”
“Well, you see, someone wrote one asking him to meet them somewhere, and they signed it with my name, but when he asked me about it I told him it must have been a mistake, so we called the whole thing off, as I was planning on meeting you here. Come to think of it, it was right around here that they said to meet him…”
My lip twitched suddenly as my heart seemed to slow down. Called. It. Off. Lily had called it off. James wasn’t here. He wasn’t coming, he was…
“AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!” I screeched, launching myself at Lily.
“Now you can’t blame this one on me, I had every right to defend myself, you were getting out of hand,” Lily said softly, patting my arm.
“You broke my nose!” I cried. And then I winced at the awfully nasal tone of my voice. That was most definitely not the voice of a huntress…
“There, there, it’ll be fixed in a minute; we just have to wait for Madame Pomphrey to wake up.”
It was around eleven o’clock and Pomphrey had been out like a light, snoring like a fricking elephant. She was now rummaging around in her room, trying to get dressed.
I frowned deeply to try and express my unhappiness with the situation.
Lily sighed. “Look,” she said, “I think there’s something we need to talk about.”
I resolutely ignored her, instead staring at a space on the wall.
“I know why you’re trying to kill James,” she stated, “and I think it’s very sweet for you to go to such lengths to try and get my attention. But really, Bellatrix, if you wanted me that much, all you had to do was ask.”
I tugged on my eyes to try and keep them from wondering over to Lily, but they seemed to have more strength than I did. They rested on her face and the small smile she held on it.
“What are you trying to say?” I mumbled.
“I’m saying,” she whispered, leaning closer, “that if you promise not to kill James, I might consider a different kind of boyfriend…”
My nose brushed against hers. “You mean like… one that looked like me?”
Lily giggled. “Yeah, one that looked like you.”
I smiled and moved closer, just about to brush my lips against hers, when she pulled back suddenly.
“I mean it though, Bellatrix, no killing James.”
I groaned. “Not even once?”
“No.”
I sighed. “Alright then,” I mumbled.
Lily smiled and leaned back in to finish our previously interrupted kiss.
.
Author:
Pairing: Bellatrix/Lily
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Unfortunate situations involving Bellatrix's Most Evil Plan are causing things to look very glum… Also, her face is starting to twitch uncontrollably…
Warnings: Crack!fic
Recipient: zizi_dickinson
A/N: Right, well, you said well written crack, so I hope you don’t mind this, I call it crap!crack, mostly because it is unbelievably retarded. It was also written in an insanely short amount of time. My sincerest apologies. However, you must admit my expertise at pushing the shift key and typing at the same time is slightly admirable. Also, I stuck to mager plot points that happened before the story, but I'm not sure what happens after. *ducks*
It was a dark and stormy night and she, the huntress, seeker of injustice, and destroyer of enemies, sat in the shadows, stalking her prey. Thunder roared in the distance and lighting shot through the skies! Behold! The HUNTRESS! SEEKER OF ALL INJUSTICE AND-
“Black, what the hell are you doing?”
My eyes narrowed. Who dare to interrupt my hunting?! Who dare to awake the great beast who-
“Jesus Christ, Black, would you stop staring at my boyfriend, it’s creeping me out.”
I glared at my intruder. “You shall see, Evans, soon I will creep you out even more. Even more…” I laughed evilly.
Lily rolled her eyes, shifting her books from one arm to the other. “Do you mind? It’s lunch time, everyone can see you, and they’re starting to point.”
It may have been lunchtime, but that did not protect them from the-
Lily sighed. “Come on, Severus, let’s go.” AHA! The evil redhead and her sappy, greasy-haired friend had walked away, and now I could focus on my Most Important, Evil Plan Of Ever!
KILL JAMES POTTER.
Oh yes, that’s right. JAMES POTTER. Dead. Killed. Massacred. Blood everywhere! MWAHAHHAHAHA!
I coughed slightly when I noticed the pair of first years laughing and staring at me. It would not be good to stick out. Not yet. It would make JAMES POTTER suspect something.
I had a plan of how this was going to work. First, I would creep up on JAMES POTTER when he was alone, then, I would stab through his heart with a sword. Then, I would stick needles in his eyes, cut his hands off and feed him to the Giant Squid. And then Lily Evans’ boyfriend would be dead, and she and the rest of their stupid gang would be absolutely heartbroken and JAMES POTTER would be dead.
It was a foolproof plan. The only thing I needed to do was get JAMES POTTER alone…with me, alone with him, of course.
“Black, will you please put those binoculars down,” Lily sighed, leaning back in her chair. Lowering them, I turned towards my enemy and glowered at her.
“It is no concern of yours, Evans, however, I am doing something very important right now that can’t be interrupted.”
“What? Counting James’ nose hairs?”
Damn that girl, how did she know?
I glared at her. “How do you know that counting such a thing would not help me with my evil plan?”
Lily raised an eyebrow. “What are you going to do, pluck out his nose hairs?”
I glared even more. “Perhaps…”
With a groan, Lily started scribbling in her notebook, ignoring me. This bothered me considerably. Was she implying that my absolutely wonderful plan was not going to work? Did she think that it was somehow missing something?
“Black, would you please stop poking my ear with your binoculars.” Scoffing, I moved away. I was not trying to poke her ear, I was trying to examine her brain! Idiotic muggleborns…
Lily sighed again. “Look, Black, you’re not going to kill James, okay, get over it.”
I must admit that I gasped loudly at this point.
“HOW DO YOU KNOW!?” I yelled, aghast, jumping from my chair and giving poor Denise Shackleton a heart attack.
“Everyone knows,” Lily groaned, rolling her eyes and ignoring the rest of the class as they jumped to Shackleton’s aid. I sat down slowly and examined my fingertips. There was something that had to be done with Lily’s current state of knowledge, I just wasn’t sure what…
Wiping the sweat off my hand onto my trouser leg, I returned it to a vice-like grip around a long, coarse piece of rope. Any moment now, Potter would walk by and accidentally step into the trap I had carefully laid out for him. All I had to do was wait…
There was a popping noise behind me. I felt my cheek begin to twitch.
“So… what exactly are we trying to do here?”
“Evans, I thought I told you to leave,” I muttered, twisting the rope between my hands as the veins in my forehead began to throb.
There was another pop and the sound of chewing. “I really must say though, that this is probably one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen you do…”
“This is a part of my plan!” I snapped.
“Black, you’re kneeling behind a bush, holding a rope, and I don’t know if you’ve realized this yet, but your face is twitching oddly...”
I grabbed my cheek and glared. Spinning around, I set my focus back to where it had been before: my trap.
“You know, we could just use a trail of breadcrumbs and lure him into a mouse trap, or we could make Severus dance in front of him naked and try to lure him with that…”
I was silent, even though she was making my plan sound ludicrous (though it completely wasn’t!). It seemed to work because afterwards there was a blissful amount of silence. Contentedly, I settled into this new found haven and continued to wait for…
“Black, Black, Black, Black, Black, Bellatrix, BELLATRIX, BELLATRIX!”
“WHAT!” I screamed, veering around, ready to pounce on her.
Lily looked at me innocently. “James is here.”
I turned around in time to see James and his friends falling over themselves with laughter.
My eye began to twitch unceasingly.
“It wasn’t my fault you fell asleep,” Lily whispered, leaning closer to my ear. “I tried waking you quietly, but you just kept on snoring! Besides, it was just a rope with a hole on the other end; I don’t think James would have fallen for it.”
Crossing my arms, I shot her a glare. “It was completely your fault, you imbecile, now shut up!”
At any other time I would have wondered why the hell Lily Evans was following me around, but right now there were much more important things happening.
You see, as much of an annoying pest as Lily was, she had her benefits. Why, you may ask? Well, because she had inspired me to do something incredibly clever and vile. Because of her, tonight at ten o’clock, approximately two minutes from now, James Potter will walk onto the edges of the Forbidden Forest, all alone, and I WILL KILL HIM.
How will I kill him? Well, pretty much the same way I described to you before, you know, with the heart stabbing and such. But what’s truly genius about this plan was how I managed to get him to come here.
I forged a love note to him, telling him to come to the edge of the forest at ten o’clock. And here’s where it gets evil: I signed it with Lily’s name.
Oh yes, very, very evil.
Now I just had to wait…
Lily inspected her fingernails. “Did you get the Potions homework done?”
“Yes, I did,” I muttered absently, concentrating on my task. It was so close! James would soon be dead, everything would be perfect… There was simply no way my plan could fail.
“Is there a reason you asked me to transfigure a sword?”
I felt my eye begin to twitch again. “No, I just like swords. Did you bring it?”
Sighing, Lily handed the sword to me. It was very plain, I’d much prefer something more sinister, but it would have to do.
I counted off a mental checklist. Sword, check, evil plan, check, forest, check, ten o’clock, check, James…
I frowned. What with all the inner monologue, and the sword exchange, and the talk with Lily, it had to be after ten so… where was James?
I cleared my throat casually. “Er, Evans, I’m just curious, but, uh, is James ever… late for your dates?”
“Hmm…” Lily brushed a leaf of her leg. “No, he’s actually pretty much always early, why do you ask?”
“Uhh…no reason…” This was not good. This was definitely not good…
Lily paused for a moment. “You know, I feel as though this reminds me of something…”
Maybe someone had done the job for me? What if they’d seen James walking all alone…
“It was something important…” Lily tapped her cheek. “Gosh, it just seems like I should say something…”
…and they’d decided to just kill him right there, on the spot. I paled. James: dead?
“OH! I have it!” Lily smacked her leg triumphantly. “You didn’t happen to write James a love letter, did you?”
I froze. “Why do you ask…?”
“Well, you see, someone wrote one asking him to meet them somewhere, and they signed it with my name, but when he asked me about it I told him it must have been a mistake, so we called the whole thing off, as I was planning on meeting you here. Come to think of it, it was right around here that they said to meet him…”
My lip twitched suddenly as my heart seemed to slow down. Called. It. Off. Lily had called it off. James wasn’t here. He wasn’t coming, he was…
“AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!” I screeched, launching myself at Lily.
“Now you can’t blame this one on me, I had every right to defend myself, you were getting out of hand,” Lily said softly, patting my arm.
“You broke my nose!” I cried. And then I winced at the awfully nasal tone of my voice. That was most definitely not the voice of a huntress…
“There, there, it’ll be fixed in a minute; we just have to wait for Madame Pomphrey to wake up.”
It was around eleven o’clock and Pomphrey had been out like a light, snoring like a fricking elephant. She was now rummaging around in her room, trying to get dressed.
I frowned deeply to try and express my unhappiness with the situation.
Lily sighed. “Look,” she said, “I think there’s something we need to talk about.”
I resolutely ignored her, instead staring at a space on the wall.
“I know why you’re trying to kill James,” she stated, “and I think it’s very sweet for you to go to such lengths to try and get my attention. But really, Bellatrix, if you wanted me that much, all you had to do was ask.”
I tugged on my eyes to try and keep them from wondering over to Lily, but they seemed to have more strength than I did. They rested on her face and the small smile she held on it.
“What are you trying to say?” I mumbled.
“I’m saying,” she whispered, leaning closer, “that if you promise not to kill James, I might consider a different kind of boyfriend…”
My nose brushed against hers. “You mean like… one that looked like me?”
Lily giggled. “Yeah, one that looked like you.”
I smiled and moved closer, just about to brush my lips against hers, when she pulled back suddenly.
“I mean it though, Bellatrix, no killing James.”
I groaned. “Not even once?”
“No.”
I sighed. “Alright then,” I mumbled.
Lily smiled and leaned back in to finish our previously interrupted kiss.
.