B-Day Fic!
Title: Ribbons
Author: eneumann
Rating: PG for angst.
Prompt: Ribbons.
Summary: Zoe falls apart. Post BDM
Author's Note: Happy very late birthday, bigbadjayne Hope you like it!
People often thought her worst day was when Wash died, when he died right in front of her, the reaver spear driving through him. She never bothered to tell them they were wrong, that there had been a worse moment only a month later.
The worst day of her life started when she peed on a little white stick. She’d not wanted to divulge the information to Simon, she didn’t want his sad eyes, his sympathy. Or the guilt she knew would be there in his eyes. Guilt that his sister was the cause of her beloved Wash’s death. And, well, she wasn’t. Not really. Catalyst, but not the cause. Zoe had come far enough away from her anger to see that, at least.
It was the morning she peed on a white stick. When the results told her what she simultaneously had prayed for and dreaded. That she was pregnant; she was going to be a mother. She barely remembered climbing back into bed and pulling the covers over her again.
I can’t do it, not without him scrolled through her mind like one of those neon signs everyone saw in the big cities they stopped in. Only when Mal pounded on her door did she start out of the state she’d been in. Temporarily, at least. He’d demanded she exit her bunk, they had work to plan. Demanded to know why she wasn’t at breakfast, why when it was so unlike her.
She’d ignored it, her whole body trembling in rage, the only sane part of her left was all that held her back from opening the hatch door and screaming into her old friend’s face, the one who’d understood her need to continue on as normal, who had followed her lead in showing everyone else how to handle her husband’s death, the partner she trusted above all else.
Instead she’d tossed what little liquid was in her stomach and sat retching over her toilet. Tears dripped down her face, but she ignored the fact as she curled into a ball again on the floor, willing the nausea away. The captain must’ve heard her retching because he stopped yelling down at her. Instead, Simon was tapping hesitantly at her hatch. She ignored him too. She wasn’t sick, not in a way she wanted him to fix. Not yet, maybe not ever.
He came back though, and this time, the hatch opened, with Kaylee coming down, quietly asking if she could do anything, if everything was ok. Zoe screamed at her to get out. She’d feel guilty over that later, but she couldn’t-she couldn’t have faced Kaylee at the moment. Kaylee had turned tail and fled. Everyone had left her alone for a while after that, tiptoeing past her bunk. Well, everyone but Jayne. He’d walked as he normally did, even yelled down to her that Kaylee had made lunch special. Acted as if everything was normal. It had made her feel better in an odd sort of way.
It had come as a surprise when her hatch had opened. Again. She’d raised her head blearily to see the slim from of the Doc’s sister, River, standing in the entry to her bunk space, staring down at her with those unreadable brown eyes, hair brushed for once and falling in a loose braid over her shoulder.
“Wash would hate to see you like this.”
“He ain’t here, River,” was all Zoe had found in her to say.
“Part of him is. And that part loves you already.” River held out her hand and stepped forward, steadily ignoring the vomit filled toilet basin.
“I can’t handle this. I can’t-Without Wash-“ Zoe pulled her sore and unwilling body into a seated position against the wall. Leaning her head back, she felt the cool of the metal sink into her skin.
“You are worshipping false deities, Zoe”
“But-I don’t even believe in God, River.” River shook her head, her brows wrinkled. This happened sometimes. The meanings of what she said was not quite understandable.
“Wash was the one afraid of raising a child alone. You were not. Now-you cannot keep him alive by blindly following his beliefs. You keep him alive by remembering. By telling stories, by raising your child in a way that you believe best.” River squatted down and looked the older woman in the eye. Zoe had to wonder why she hadn’t kicked the girl out yet. “Wash would not want to win your long held arguments simply by dying. He wants you to prove him wrong.” River stood again and moved back to the edge of Zoe’s bunk. “It’s nearly dinner time and it’s not Simon’s turn. You’d make Mal’s mind run easy if you showed your face.” Zoe nodded as River scampered up the ladder. She wiped her face over with her hand and stood. It was time to move forward, to love the child growing in her as she had loved Wash.
Author: eneumann
Rating: PG for angst.
Prompt: Ribbons.
Summary: Zoe falls apart. Post BDM
Author's Note: Happy very late birthday, bigbadjayne Hope you like it!
People often thought her worst day was when Wash died, when he died right in front of her, the reaver spear driving through him. She never bothered to tell them they were wrong, that there had been a worse moment only a month later.
The worst day of her life started when she peed on a little white stick. She’d not wanted to divulge the information to Simon, she didn’t want his sad eyes, his sympathy. Or the guilt she knew would be there in his eyes. Guilt that his sister was the cause of her beloved Wash’s death. And, well, she wasn’t. Not really. Catalyst, but not the cause. Zoe had come far enough away from her anger to see that, at least.
It was the morning she peed on a white stick. When the results told her what she simultaneously had prayed for and dreaded. That she was pregnant; she was going to be a mother. She barely remembered climbing back into bed and pulling the covers over her again.
I can’t do it, not without him scrolled through her mind like one of those neon signs everyone saw in the big cities they stopped in. Only when Mal pounded on her door did she start out of the state she’d been in. Temporarily, at least. He’d demanded she exit her bunk, they had work to plan. Demanded to know why she wasn’t at breakfast, why when it was so unlike her.
She’d ignored it, her whole body trembling in rage, the only sane part of her left was all that held her back from opening the hatch door and screaming into her old friend’s face, the one who’d understood her need to continue on as normal, who had followed her lead in showing everyone else how to handle her husband’s death, the partner she trusted above all else.
Instead she’d tossed what little liquid was in her stomach and sat retching over her toilet. Tears dripped down her face, but she ignored the fact as she curled into a ball again on the floor, willing the nausea away. The captain must’ve heard her retching because he stopped yelling down at her. Instead, Simon was tapping hesitantly at her hatch. She ignored him too. She wasn’t sick, not in a way she wanted him to fix. Not yet, maybe not ever.
He came back though, and this time, the hatch opened, with Kaylee coming down, quietly asking if she could do anything, if everything was ok. Zoe screamed at her to get out. She’d feel guilty over that later, but she couldn’t-she couldn’t have faced Kaylee at the moment. Kaylee had turned tail and fled. Everyone had left her alone for a while after that, tiptoeing past her bunk. Well, everyone but Jayne. He’d walked as he normally did, even yelled down to her that Kaylee had made lunch special. Acted as if everything was normal. It had made her feel better in an odd sort of way.
It had come as a surprise when her hatch had opened. Again. She’d raised her head blearily to see the slim from of the Doc’s sister, River, standing in the entry to her bunk space, staring down at her with those unreadable brown eyes, hair brushed for once and falling in a loose braid over her shoulder.
“Wash would hate to see you like this.”
“He ain’t here, River,” was all Zoe had found in her to say.
“Part of him is. And that part loves you already.” River held out her hand and stepped forward, steadily ignoring the vomit filled toilet basin.
“I can’t handle this. I can’t-Without Wash-“ Zoe pulled her sore and unwilling body into a seated position against the wall. Leaning her head back, she felt the cool of the metal sink into her skin.
“You are worshipping false deities, Zoe”
“But-I don’t even believe in God, River.” River shook her head, her brows wrinkled. This happened sometimes. The meanings of what she said was not quite understandable.
“Wash was the one afraid of raising a child alone. You were not. Now-you cannot keep him alive by blindly following his beliefs. You keep him alive by remembering. By telling stories, by raising your child in a way that you believe best.” River squatted down and looked the older woman in the eye. Zoe had to wonder why she hadn’t kicked the girl out yet. “Wash would not want to win your long held arguments simply by dying. He wants you to prove him wrong.” River stood again and moved back to the edge of Zoe’s bunk. “It’s nearly dinner time and it’s not Simon’s turn. You’d make Mal’s mind run easy if you showed your face.” Zoe nodded as River scampered up the ladder. She wiped her face over with her hand and stood. It was time to move forward, to love the child growing in her as she had loved Wash.