I was sadly mistaken
I'm kinda glad its over now. it wouldnt have ever worked out. not after as much as he fucked it up. i could never trust him again. and as much as i miss him, its kinda like a relief at the same time. like the sick person who is struggling to live finally dying. its sad. but such a removal of burden once its actually over.
i have to say im getting better. which is good. and im able to love again...which is even better. and i have someone new to love...which is the best of all.
but i still miss him sometimes. i wish i didnt. i shouldnt. but i cant help it. probably cause it wasnt ALL bad. it started out quite wonderfully...i just shouldnt think about that stuff. not yet. thats the stuff that gets me. but this really makes sense:
"So much of what I notice myself grieving about, around my past relationships, has more to do with the fact that I miss the yearning that was so familiar to me, the yearning for things to go better. And now that things are going better, I notice that I actually MISS the yearning that I lived with... and the obsession I lived with for things to go better. Often I miss the person much less than I miss the yearning I felt while in their presence."
a lot of times when i miss him unbearably much, i eventually remember how bad it was and that i dont really miss HIM...i miss having to try so hard. and being so obsessed with making things work and gaining approval....but i am so glad to be done with that.
everything is starting to get more and more distant and foggy. even seeing him a few weeks ago didnt bother me as much as i thought it would or used to. it still bothered me, but not as much.
and today. the would-be-two-years isnt as big a deal as i had imagined. but still. the stigma of what today would have been is still here. what we were doing last year at this time is still here. and i guess ill just have to deal with that.
i think he hates me though. i dunno. he has no reason to. i stuck with him as long as i could and through more childish crap than anyone i know would ever put up with. but he wasnt willing to do the same. unrequited tunnel vision, i guess. if anyone has reason to hate anyone it would be me hating him...but i dont. i couldnt ever. i hope he knows that. but still, we dont talk. i am blocked from all forms of communication. so i guess i know how he really feels...which also is kind of a relief. it leaves very few what-ifs for my mind to play with.
i only did what he told me to do: move on. and as hard as it was, is, had been, and still be, ive done it before and i can do it again. it was just different this time. everything was. so itll take a bit longer. i always listened to him and did what he told me to do. which usually was bad. but for once, i think it worked out.
You've been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can't go to you for consolation
Cause we're off limits during this transition
This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And i can't stop bumping into things
I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
Thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But i was sadly mistaken
You've been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment i met you
With you i knew god's face was handsome
With you i suffered an expansion
This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And i can't stop dropping everything
I thought we'd be sexy together
Thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But i was sadly mistaken
If i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
If i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
If i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe
I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
Thought we'd be adventurous together
But i was sadly mistaken
Thought we'd be exploring together
Thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
Thought we'd be on fire together
But i was sadly mistaken