(Untitled)
As promised, here is version 2. Again, comments on what you think (preferably positive) are appreciated.
Ilwuz Revealed
Ilwuz: The Island of Mystery. For years, the last bastion of freedom in the Dome has remained safe, hidden from others by moving throughout the Seven Skies, jumping every 49 days. It now appears that someone, Inconceivably!, has ( Read more... )
Ilwuz Revealed
Ilwuz: The Island of Mystery. For years, the last bastion of freedom in the Dome has remained safe, hidden from others by moving throughout the Seven Skies, jumping every 49 days. It now appears that someone, Inconceivably!, has ( Read more... )
Comments 5
Again, channelling Chad and Fred, it's "7 Skies" not "Seven Skies."
And rather than "...has found a way to determine which of the 7 Skies..." simply say "...has found a way to locate..." The Skies are rather large.
Also you left out the final statement of "An urgent Congress has been called to determine what action should be taken."
And rather than bastion (which is a defensive structure), I'd suggest haven, and "freedom and independence" rather than just "freedom."
So I'd say: "For years this last haven of freedom and independence in the Dome has remained safely hidden by mystically teleporting to a new location in the 7 Skies every 49 days."
Or: "For years the last haven of freedom and independence in the Dome has remained one step ahead of those forces of government tyranny who would seek to suppress the piratical Brethren, by mystically teleporting to a new location in the 7 Skies every 49 days. Until now, no one, including the inhabitants, has been able to predict where the elusive island will appear, but it seems that ... ( ... )
Reply
OK, for the actual write-up, it will be '7 Skies'.
This method only gives a general location, plus Sky and (possibly) Layer. When it works, so it really is "which Sky holds the island". Given the map is small(ish), and the token is comparatively large, only a general location can be found.
Given "Action must be taken!" and "to determine what action.", I was going for "something must be done. Now we must decide what it is, before we can decide to do it or not.", however, I appreciate that spelling it out is a good move.
I did not know that 'bastion' was literally a defensive structure. I have only heard and used the term figuratively ("last bastion of...", regardless of if there was a structure or not). Maybe 'haven', maybe 'stronghold' (which I realise is much like 'bastion' in this case).
I like 'mystically teleporting' rather than 'jumping', so I will look at changing that.
The locating method does not predict the future, it reveals the present (and doesn't tell you when the transition is - ( ... )
Reply
I understand that the Ilwuzi native ability to find Ilwuz gives only a general location also, and they seem to be able to go from that to getting home readily enough. General location should be enough to cause concern on Ilwuz.
Of course, the whole idea of only the Ilwuzi being able to find Ilwuz raises the question, why not just kidnap an Ilwuzi and torture him until he gives up the location? Repeatedly, each time Ilwuz moves. After the first few capitulations, you shouldn't even need the actual torture. (That's assuming a wholy unethical seeker of Ilwuz, of course. On the other hand, how hard is it really to simply hire a traitorous Ilwuzi, if you are a relatively ethical seeker?) I'm guessing the design of the game will address those sorts of questions, though. It's not a blurb thing.
One can go too far with redundancy in a blurb. Given the context provided by the previous sentence, I think "An urgent Congress has been called to determine what action." On the other hand, you may be able to pack more flavour in: "Action must be taken ( ... )
Reply
Rumour does tend to run rampant, especially when shouting woe and despair, and is fairly parsimonious with the truth. So exaggerating the capability expressed by this rumour might be good way to lather the pirates into a frenzy of worry. Depends on how much fear that their refuge may be in danger - any moment now! - you want to provoke. You can even have a reasoned voice point out that it might not be as bad as they fear, only to be constantly derided.
A bastion is one of those arrowhead emplacements that became popular in castles and fortresses once cannon were invented. It helps deflect incoming shots and allow enfilade fire along the walls of the castle.* [Although some castles from early periods had them to provide enfilade fire, they weren't that popular and towers were generally used instead (although a tower is best used to increase the defensive aspect of a corner).]
Stronghold is good as well. It's just whenever I think of bastion I have the mental image of actually mounting the wall to defend against attackers. Probably ( ... )
Reply
Zu
Reply
Leave a comment