Poetry/sonnet returns.

[ennia]

Changed lines are in italics.

Draft 2.

My lover's hair has waves as the ocean
It slides like water upon the sand
Upon the sheets in an unending motion.
But as she sleeps, the caressing hand
Maneuvering in the waves like a ship
Lost in a vast sea of darkening curls
As if the fingers would begin a tripLoosening the hair into whirls

Comments

[juvenile_philos]

I like this revision much better. Especially the end. It has the feel of a sea breeze as well as the explicit invocation of one. Makes for a kind of sighing, pleasant, comfy ending.

And the meter revisions to the second quatrain are an improvement.

Good work!