More drafts.

[ennia]

Changed lines are in italics.

Draft 3

My lover's hair has waves as the ocean
It slides like water upon the sand
Upon the sheets in an unending motion.
But as she sleeps, the caressing hand
Maneuvering in the waves like a ship
Lost in a vast sea of darkening curls
As if the fingers would begin a trip
Loosening the hair into whirls
Showing the

Comments

[juvenile_philos]

Every time you revise this, it gets better. The new version of the third quatrain not only fixes the meter, but it now slips more gently into the final couplet. Well done!

[prosewitch]

This is lovely--the meter flows much smoother (though I also liked how it was more jagged the first time around, mimicking the jutting edges of rocks on the seashore).