Do you remember when we fought that Angel awhile ago, Shiro? The one where I had to shoot that huge rifle. And you protected me.
You were hurt, but it could've been worse. And I... I pulled you out of there, I ran as fast as I could, because I was worried about you. Because you were important to me. I thought you were going to die.
That life I saved... don't you think it was for a reason, Shiro? When I think about the people we have to kill, I feel bad, too, but what else can we do? Shiro, if you weren't there, they would've died for sure, I just know it. Coming back alive and bruised is better than not coming back alive at all, isn't it? I'm not cut out for this either, but I have to keep trying. You, and everyone else taught me that.
And Shiro, don't smile when you don't even mean it. It makes it even worse.
Sorry. *his smile slipped away* I'm not taking my life for granted. Not at all. I treasure life. I treasure life a bit too much, maybe, because...
... I'm slipping, Shinji. I hesitate in battle too often, and I just can't help it. ... and I'm afraid that's going to cost me and my friends our lives--
[[Filtered to Shiro]] ((Katina trying to be comforting...))grandtheftmechaApril 19 2009, 21:01:17 UTC
Shiro right? Mao... mentioned you the other day.
...it's kinda surreal, isn't it? Kids like Duo... all these young people, or people who's childhoods were so wrong, or both, who treat this all like normal. It's... what I'm trying to say is, you aren't any less of a soldier for panicking, or crying, or any of that. If anything, the fact that you're the only one here acting like this is... unsettling... it shouldn't be like this.
I mean, I was twelve the first time I shot someone, but I was home alone and the guy was breaking into my house, and I had nightmares for months. Even then... the first time I killed another soldier in battle, in person and up close, I threw up, and could barely sleep for a few days after. I know I probably handle it better than most now that I've been at it for a while, but I still get scared sometimes.
Fuck, sorry to ramble, this is so not me.
Just... remember that there are some soldiers here who grew up normal, and still feel sick about killing people.
No, I appreciate it. I won't tell anyone. Thank you.
... yeah, it's surreal, and in the worst way. It's like a nightmare to me sometimes. I worry for the future when kids have such an easy time accepting this violent world...
... though, I was almost like that once. Of course, people dying has always horrified me, but I used to have an easier time fighting before.
I wish I knew what to do about these kids, but I'm no therapist. All I can do is try to fight hard enough to keep this kind of thing from happening.
It's easy to start to lose yourself with all of this. To just be numb to all of it, and the worst part is that sometimes it's the only way to keep going.
Ensign...I wish I could do for you what you did for me, but I don't know how. All I can think of is to figure out what you're fighting for, or who you're fighting for, and think about what you have to do. That's...that's what I do, even though I hate fighting.
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I heard what happened. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to snoop into your business, but...
If you need to vent, I'm here for you. It's okay. Whatever you do, I don't want to see you like this. You're my friend, Shiro. Please don't be upset.
Because... because then I'll be upset, too... please, Shiro.
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Thanks for caring though. I really appreciate it.
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You were hurt, but it could've been worse. And I... I pulled you out of there, I ran as fast as I could, because I was worried about you. Because you were important to me. I thought you were going to die.
That life I saved... don't you think it was for a reason, Shiro? When I think about the people we have to kill, I feel bad, too, but what else can we do? Shiro, if you weren't there, they would've died for sure, I just know it. Coming back alive and bruised is better than not coming back alive at all, isn't it? I'm not cut out for this either, but I have to keep trying. You, and everyone else taught me that.
And Shiro, don't smile when you don't even mean it. It makes it even worse.
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... I'm slipping, Shinji. I hesitate in battle too often, and I just can't help it. ... and I'm afraid that's going to cost me and my friends our lives--
I... oh jeez, why am I saying this?
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Here. I know it's not the kind of drink you probably want, but this is better for you.
So...Do you want to talk about it?
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...
...
... I'm not sure if I don't know what there is to talk about, or if I don't know where I should start.
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... huh... have I ever told you why I joined the military?
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...it's kinda surreal, isn't it? Kids like Duo... all these young people, or people who's childhoods were so wrong, or both, who treat this all like normal. It's... what I'm trying to say is, you aren't any less of a soldier for panicking, or crying, or any of that. If anything, the fact that you're the only one here acting like this is... unsettling... it shouldn't be like this.
I mean, I was twelve the first time I shot someone, but I was home alone and the guy was breaking into my house, and I had nightmares for months. Even then... the first time I killed another soldier in battle, in person and up close, I threw up, and could barely sleep for a few days after. I know I probably handle it better than most now that I've been at it for a while, but I still get scared sometimes.
Fuck, sorry to ramble, this is so not me.
Just... remember that there are some soldiers here who grew up normal, and still feel sick about killing people.
And tell no one about this conversation.
Hell, I ( ... )
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... yeah, it's surreal, and in the worst way. It's like a nightmare to me sometimes. I worry for the future when kids have such an easy time accepting this violent world...
... though, I was almost like that once. Of course, people dying has always horrified me, but I used to have an easier time fighting before.
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It's easy to start to lose yourself with all of this. To just be numb to all of it, and the worst part is that sometimes it's the only way to keep going.
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... I know. I'm thankful. Anything you want while you're stuck there? If I can, I'll bring it for you.
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... I'm kind of happy to hear that you have a hard time of it too though. It gives me hope for the future.
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