The Morning After
11 September 1999, mid-morning
Glancing around, Severus looked to see if the secluded table he had claimed the night before was vacant; fortunately, the pub wasn't crowded yet, and it was. He detoured to order a bowl of pea soup from Tom and then headed straight for his table and sat down. He didn't want anything alcoholic, not yet; he still had some things to sort through, and he needed a clear head to do it.
Remus pushed open the door to The Leaky, then stood back to allow Bill to precede him into the pub, giving his lover a playful smile and a half-mocking bow. "Beauty before age," he murmured softly, pushing the redhead inside.
It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dimness, and he curved one arm casually around Bill's waist, leaning close to the redhead's ear to whisper about the benefits of imbibing more firewhiskey to "warm up" before returning to Bill's flat. Before the words could be formed, however, he caught sight of a familiar dark form sitting at the back table, the same one he had occupied the previous night.
Eyes narrowing, Remus made a hasty decision. Instead of whispering, he turned Bill into his embrace, dropping a deep, hard kiss on the redhead's lips. Then he pulled back, smiling somewhat brittlely. "Why don't you get us something to drinK?" he asked softly. "I'll get us a table."
With that, he deliberately sauntered back near where Severus was seated, dropping down at a table close by and gifting the Potions Master with a smirk.
"Well, hello, Severus," he drawled, raising a brow. "Have a...good night?"
The stairs creaked as Percy made his way downstairs. His pounding head was a little worse for wear, and he hadn't found a comb so his curls were flying everywhere. But honestly, he didn't care very much about that. Last night had been so...enlightening, and he had a lot on his mind. He wanted to talk to Severus once more, but he rose much earlier and had departed before Percy woke. Running his hands through his unruly mop, Percy looked to see if he was around the pub when he opened the swinging doors to enter, and saw his brother and Remus in addition to the man he sought.
Severus instinctively glanced over at the door when it opened, but he quickly looked away when he saw Lupin and Bill Weasley enter. He had seen quite enough of their antics the night before, and he had no desire to bear witness to more. He could feel all the residual relaxing effects of his unexpectedly pleasant night dissipate, and he scowled, his shoulders hunching as he concentrated on his soup and tried to block out everything -- and everyone -- else.
Naturally, the damned werewolf had to choose the one table in the mostly empty room that was nearest his. Severus shifted so that his back was as turned to Lupin as he could manage, but then Lupin spoke, and Severus shot a venomous glare over his shoulder at him. "That's hardly any of your business, Lupin."
"Pardon me for being civil," Remus replied, unruffled. His eyes flashed back at the sight of Percy coming down the stairs, looking disheveled and quite literally debauched. Remus hadn't missed who Severus had departed the pub with the previous evening, and his jaw tightened. Lowering his voice, he spoke in a tone as cold as any Severus had ever directed at him, contempt obvious in every syllable. "Although when I told you to have fun molesting the kiddies, I didn't mean it as a suggestion."
Bill made his way through the nearly empty pub towards the table Remus had chosen, holding two tumblers of Firewhiskey, but stopped short when he saw the obviously hostile postures Snape and Remus had adopted. He could hear Remus's voice, which sounded more than a bit angry. Confused, he followed Remus' eyes and turned to see his brother coming into the pub. Oh, dear, Bill thought as he realized that his suspicions about the tension between Snape and Remus were probably being confirmed. He sighed, seeing his dreams of another good shag fly away, and did the proper thing.
"Perce!" Bill said loudly, stepping in his path. "I've been looking for you! I wanted to take you to breakfast at this little place down by Gringotts...they have the best, um, toast. Yeah. Um, and you'll need this - it's a little hangover cure."
"Not right now, Bill," Percy said. "I have something I have to do." Percy hadn't noticed Lupin, not that he would have understood, and was intent on getting to Severus for a conversation before he left completely.
"Right...now...you git," Bill said, grabbing his brother forcibly by the arm and turning towards the two tables. "Well, lads, it's been great, but I have to catch up with my brother here. I'm sure we'll see you later, okay then?" Bill steered his brother out of the pub into the sunshine, causing them both to squint.
Severus' hands curled into fists in his lap as he continued to glare at Lupin. He was momentarily distracted by the sight of Bill hauling Percy away -- out of the line of fire, no doubt -- and his annoyance doubled. He had wanted to speak with Percy, and now the opportunity was gone, thanks to Lupin's meddling.
"Percy is not a 'kiddie'," he retorted, the words ground out through clenched teeth. "It's none of your concern anyway, especially considering you were off shagging his brother."
"He's bloody young enough to be your son!" Remus retorted hotly. "For Merlin's sake, he was your student! Bill is less than ten years younger than I am, an experienced man. Percy is..."
A feral growl had begun in Remus' chest, and the intensity of his jealousy was shocking even to himself. Forcibly he reigned in his temper, which was threatening to have him snarling and snapping, betraying far too much. "You're right, Severus. It's none of my concern. Why in the bloody hell should I care anyway?"
Scraping back his chair, he rose to his feet, shooting Severus a grim look. "Just don't you ever again dare to call me cheap and tawdry, Severus Snape. Not unless you look in your own damned mirror first."
Fury rose up, white-hot and boiling, and before Severus was even aware of a conscious intention to do so, he was on his feet, using his height as an advantage to loom over Lupin and glare down at him. How dare Lupin presume to sit in judgment of him!
"Percy hasn't been my student for years -- he's an adult, fully capable of making his own decisions, and last night, he decided to go to bed with me. What is it really that bothers you about that, Lupin? The fact that someone might actually find me desirable? The fact that someone in the room was less than entranced by your little display on-stage?"
Severus drew in a deep breath and stared down his nose at Lupin, letting the full force of his contempt show. "I'm not the one who pranced around shirtless, showing off like some -- some middle-aged fool trying to capture his lost youth. Trying and failing miserably!"
Remus refused to be intimidated by either Severus' height or his tone. The comment about his "lost youth", however, cut him to the quick - especially since the damned display had been entirely for Severus' benefit in the first place. Amber eyes glowed ferally, and he stalked towards Severus, blatantly insinuating himself into the Potions Master's personal space.
"Percy may be an adult in years, but he's an emotional child who was so bloody drunk last night he could barely stagger out of the bar," Remus spat back. "And I can quite well believe that someone would find you desirable, you miserable git. What I can't understand is why you find it infinitely more satisfying to prowl after drunks than to accept an equal. What's the matter, Severus? Scared of bedding a real man?"
With a snarl to show his own contempt, Remus raised a finger and poked Severus in the chest, hard. "And as far as my little display on stage... it was for the benefit of one and only one person, and as such was a miserable failure. But pardon me for ever thinking that you might ever understand about wanting someone so much that you would change your entire life for them if you could. Of course, you would never understand that, would you? You're so damned smug and superior and independent, you don't need anyone else, do you? Must be nice, Severus. I wish to God I had your inner coldness, because then nothing would matter to me, either!"
Severus planted his feet firmly and held his ground, refusing to back away in spite of Lupin's violation of his personal space; he wanted to push Lupin away or skirt around the nearest table and put some distance between them, but that would be a show of weakness he didn't intend to make. He'd come face to face with Lupin's inner beast once before; a little bristling from Mr. Tweed-and-Chocolate was nothing in comparison.
Angry words rose to his lips in defense of his behavior with Percy, but he refused to utter them. Lupin was twisting everything around and making it ugly, but it hadn't been. Percy could have said no, but he didn't, and as a result, Severus had not only enjoyed sex for the first time in years, he had also connected with someone, and he felt he had done Percy some good, too. Perhaps he hadn't, but that was for Percy to say, not Lupin, and Severus was not going to bother justifying himself.
His lip curled with disdain. "I can imagine who that display was for." Boardman, of course. Boardman, who resembled Lupin's dead lover. Lupin probably would have offered himself up naked in a cauldron of Tom's pea soup if he thought it would get Boardman's attention. "But your pathetic crushes don't concern me, Lupin. You're right -- I don't need anyone, and I have you and your friends to thank for that. You taught me very well indeed, Lupin. You helped teach me that I couldn't rely even on those who had the responsibility to help those in need, and that's a lesson I will never forget. Congratulations on a job well done."
Remus went white, and for a moment he thought he might be ill. But that would be weak, and he had come too far, said too much to back away now. They would finish this once and for all, and he could walk away from the Wizarding world if he had to, but there was nothing for it now but to see it through to the bitter end. After all, if Severus had figured out the display was for his benefit, and didn't care, what did any of it matter anyway?
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child," he found himself quoting from memory. "But when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part, but then shall I know even as also I am known."
Eyes bleak, he shrugged. "I would apologize if it would help, but I'm sure you don't want to hear it, as you have never wanted to hear anything I have ever had to say. I will not defend what I did, because you are precisely right. It's my fault, and now I am reaping the rewards of it. But you have had your revenge on me for that, don't you think? You broke a solemn promise and gave my secret away to the world."
Remus shrugged again, as if it didn't matter. "I've already waited too long, and all my hope is gone." He gave a bitter chuckle, as he repeated the lines from the verse he had sung to Severus the previous night. He hadn't realized at the time how prophetic they would be. "You win, Severus."
Severus stared at Lupin's face, noting how it had inexplicably drained of all color, and frowned, feeling as if he were missing something that was crucial to this... discussion? Argument? He didn't know what it was anymore. He had somehow gone from pensive to furious to confused in the space of about five minutes, and he didn't like it. He ought to be furious still -- he wanted to be furious. That was easier and more familiar territory, especially where Lupin was concerned, but Lupin's words had thrown him off-balance, especially when it struck him that Lupin had quoted from that song.
"What the bloody hell are you babbling about?" he demanded, scowling fiercely. "I win what? What does the fact that you can't get Boardman to notice you have to do with me? I don't give a damn about your little seduction games, and I certainly don't count that as my victory!"
Remus blinked, then blinked again. He had expected Severus to smile coldly in victory, perhaps to sneer further about his cowardice. He certainly hadn't expected an abrupt switch in gears, and it threw him into confusion. "Boardman? Who in the name of Merlin is..." he paused, frowning. "That lousy singer who works here? The one who cozened up to the Order at the end of the war to save his own skin? Why in the hell would I want him to notice me? I haven't even met him, much less have any desire to try to seduce him!"
"Don't bother pretending you don't understand, Lupin," Severus replied, sneering. "I'm neither stupid nor blind, and I know he bears a passing resemblance to the one person you've always wanted and been loyal to above all others."
Remus was genuinely confused. "The one person I've always wanted? But he looks nothing like y..." Abruptly Remus stopped, flushing as he realized what he had almost given away. Then he really thought about what Severus had said, and his forehead creased as he tried to recall what Boardman looked like. Dark hair. Light eyes. Handsome enough, if you liked the type, he supposed, but...
Then it clicked.
"What?" Remus exclaimed, eyes wide. "You mean Sirius, don't you? Sweet Merlin, are you under the mistaken impression that I ever wanted Sirius?"
"Mistaken impression...?" Severus gaped at him -- and then fury blazed to life again, ignited by decades-old anger and pain, mingled with emotions that Severus had no desire to examine closely.
"Do you think I'm that much of a fool?" he roared, his fists clenched and shaking at his sides. "Black and Potter harassed me -- and you let them! You stood by and did nothing, and you were a Prefect! You should have, no matter how much you may have hated me, but you didn't, because it's always been about Black. You wanted him even then, and you were so blinded by lust and loyalty that you didn't care who he hurt. You just let him do whatever he damned well pleased. You let him attack me, you protected him when he escaped from prison, and you even helped him try to murder me!"
"I should have stopped them," Remus agreed evenly. "You're bloody damned right I should have done something. I didn't and I was wrong. I was a bloody coward and it has haunted me for years that my cowardice hurt you. But it was not because I wanted Sirius Black, Severus! Damn it, you're a bloody Legilimens. I didn't protect him during that year I taught at Hogwarts, and I sure as hell would not have helped him try to murder you! Think about it, Severus. If you had died, the Ministry would have killed ME. If you don't believe me, just cast the damned spell and ask me, and then you'll know the truth! I did it not because I wanted Sirius, but because I didn't want to be alone!"
Severus glared at Lupin, silently fuming. Bloody fucking hell -- he hated it when Lupin was all calm and reasonable, and moreover, he hated that Lupin was saying he was right. He would have thought that hearing "you're right" would have made him gleefully smug, but coming from Lupin, he hated it. He didn't want to hear Lupin admit that Severus was right, and he was wrong, because then Severus couldn't hate him anymore, and he didn't want to stop hating Lupin. Not hating Lupin was dangerous, and it had almost got him killed once before.
No, he wanted to cling to his anger and hatred, because it was safe, far safer than letting himself stop hating or worse, start believing that Lupin meant it when he said he didn't want Black, and he refused to let it go without a fight.
"Fine!" he spat. "You didn't help Black try to kill me because it would have meant risking your own neck. That doesn't change anything!"
"Actually, I didn't help him because, first off, I did not then nor do I now have any desire to see you dead. Not only that, I didn't know what Sirius had planned, and if I had I would have stopped it because even if I had hated you, which I never did, murder is wrong."
Remus sighed. "You're right, it doesn't change anything, Severus. You have always hated me, and you always will. If there aren't real reasons for you to hate me, you will manufacture them because I'm just a werewolf and not worthy of anything except hatred. Isn't that right? I could have done everything perfectly and you still would have hated me just because to you I am not human, and will never be anything but a monster."
The werewolf gave a chuckle that held absolutely no humor. "I just adore being condemned for a darkness that chose me, by a man who chose his own. I guess the difference is that you can be forgiven for what you did, while no matter what I do, I cannot."
"Oh, blah blah blah." Severus folded his arms across his chest, rolling his eyes at Lupin's dramatic speech. "I should have known you would play the werewolf card at some point." He pressed the back of one hand to his forehead. "I am a werewolf, and everyone fears me. Woe." He folded his arms again and regarded Lupin with narrowed eyes. "Bollocks. You have plenty of friends, and obviously there are those who are willing to overlook your condition enough to shag you, if the number of lolling tongues last night was any indication, so don't try to sell me your pitiful little song and dance."
It was his turn to reach out and jab Lupin, poking his chest none too gently. "For that matter, I don't hate you because you're a werewolf, Lupin. I hate you because--"
Because I've wanted you forever, and I can never have you.
"--you're a weak-willed follower, because you endangered lives by lying and shirking your responsibility as an authority figure, not once but twice, and because you and your friends hated me first for no reason other than the way I look and the fact that you didn't approve of my interests."
If the situation hadn't been so deadly important to him, Remus might have laughed at the image of Severus Snape rolling his eyes and saying "blah blah blah." As it was, all he could do was shake his head and sigh.
"I am no longer a weak willed follower," he corrected Severus firmly. "And as for the rest... Yes, I did endanger lives by lying and shirking my responsibilities, twice as you have stated. I will reiterate that I never hated you, but I did nothing to keep the hatred of the others from you as I should have." Remus paused for a moment, then drew a deep breath.
"I'm sorry. Will you please forgive me for royally fucking up?" he asked softly.
'Gobsmacked' didn't begin to cover Severus' reaction to Lupin's apology. For a moment, he went blank, unable to speak because his mind was too busy reeling to form coherent thought. Even when the shock wore off, he had no idea what to say. What would it mean if he accepted? How could he accept without letting go of the hatred? And if he did that...
It wasn't safe, but Lupin had taken away his reasons for saying "no", leaving him with no choices but to accept the apology and hope that Lupin didn't take that as permission to start pestering him, or say no and confirm everyone's opinion that he was an unreasonable bastard, which would damage his chances for being able to enact the changes he wanted to make in his life.
Damn Lupin! Why did he always have to make things so difficult?
"Why does it suddenly matter so much that I forgive you?" he asked suspiciously, trying to stall for time while his mind raced to find a way out of this that would neither make him vulnerable nor make him look worse than he already did in the eyes of those who knew him.
The words were there, on the tip of Remus' tongue, begging to be said. I love you. It would have been so easy to say them. And it would have ruined everything. Until Severus had forgiven him, there was no way he would even believe Remus meant it.
"The war is over, Severus. I want all my wars over, so I can finally have peace for the first time in my life," he said instead. Sappy, perhaps, but also the truth, and something at which Severus couldn't take possibly take offense. Yet he couldn't help adding just a bit more. "You're also a fascinating man, Severus. I have wondered many times what it would be like to be your friend."
A little flare of panic burst in Severus' chest at that. Oh, God. Lupin wanted to be friends. It wasn't enough that he had Potter and probably most of the Weasley horde, and that most of his former students still adored him. No, he wanted to be friends with Severus, too.
Damn damn damn damn damn.
There was no way he could be "just friends" with Lupin. If he tried, that damned attraction that had plagued him while they were at school together, prior to "the prank", would rise up again, and he would end up looking like a fool. He hadn't been able to get rid of it in twenty years, and he'd hated himself and Lupin for it; it certainly wouldn't go away if he went along with what Lupin wanted... but he didn't have to do that.
"I accept your apology," he said grudgingly, scowling as he turned away from Lupin. "But I don't want to be friends."
The relief of Severus' acceptance of his apology was immediately overwhelmed by the rejection of his offer of friendship. Remus couldn't help the small gasp of pain that escaped him at those words, but he bit down on it quickly. It had been too much to hope for, he supposed. Severus had forgiven him, but that was all he was ever going to get.
"I see," Remus said, voice totally empty. "Well. Thank you for that, at least. Have a nice life, Severus."
Remus whirled on his heel, as the hope he had felt only moments ago crumbled within him. For a brief instant, he had thought... but no. It had been stupid to even dream Severus would want to be close to him. He had Percy-fucking-Weasley now, didn't he? How ironic was it to be so close to obtaining his heart's desire, only to lose it to such an idiotic young prat?
Suddenly getting drunk again seemed like a very good idea.
As soon as Lupin turned away, Severus reached for the back of the nearest chair, gripping it tightly to steady himself for a moment before pulling it out and sinking into it. He lifted his hand to rub the bridge of his nose and realized that it was shaking. The entire conversation had shaken him from start to finish, and even now, his stomach was tied in a knot. He'd heard the little gasp, heard the flatness in Lupin's voice at his refusal. From Lupin's words, it seemed as if Severus had got what he wanted: Lupin would leave him alone.
Bugger.
It was what he wanted!
All right, no, it wasn't what he really wanted, but he couldn't have that, so there was no sense in torturing himself with trying to maintain the illusion of friendship. Was there?
Of course, Lupin would tell everyone that he had apologized and extended an olive branch, and Severus had been a big bully about the whole thing.
Bugger!
He pushed his fingers through his hair, torn, angry with Lupin, angry with himself, and not knowing what he should do -- not knowing what the right thing to do was -- and somewhere, in the middle of all that, he heard himself speak.
"Lupin. Wait."
Remus had moved several paces away, caught up in planning just how drunk he would have to get to forget all of this, and precisely which beverages would render the desired state in the minimal amount of time. It was the state he would need attain in order to suppress the wolfish instincts, which were urging him to fight, to go back and pin Severus to the wall and demand both an admission and a submission he would never receive.
But then Severus spoke, and Remus turned back in surprise. Caution warred with hope within him, and he had to clear his throat slightly before he could find his voice to reply. "Yes, Severus?"
Severus leaned his head in his hand, not looking at Lupin. He could scarcely believe the words had escaped his mouth, and if the hangover potion he'd taken hadn't been brewed by someone who knew what they were doing -- namely, himself -- he would have blamed residual alcohol in his system for his apparent lapse of sanity.
"When you say you want to be friends," he began quietly, "what exactly do you mean?"
Of all the things Remus had expected Severus to say - most of them along the lines of "By the way, never speak to me again" - asking what he meant by the simple term "friendship" certainly hadn't been among them.
"I..." he began hesitantly, before stopping and taking a deep breath to calm his suddenly hammering heart. "Friends. You know. Hullo Severus, nice to see you. Buy you a drink? How are your classes going? Fancy a game of chess?" Remus paused again. "Er... if that doesn't suit, tell me what you do want, and I'm certainly happy to oblige. That's what friends tend to do. Be what each other needs them to be, or at least as much as possible."
Still focusing his gaze on the table as if it held the mysteries of the universe, Severus shook his head. "You said it yourself: I don't need anybody. I don't have friends, Lupin. I have colleagues, acquaintances, students, enemies... not friends."
"Well, don't you think it's about time to change that?" Remus asked quietly. Then he shrugged. "Tell me what you want me to be, Severus." He knew he probably sounded pathetic, but he didn't care. There was something strangely vulnerable about Severus like this, and it made Remus suddenly feel very protective, made him want to put his arms around the other man and hold him. Which was, of course, out of the question. But all he needed was for Severus to throw him a bone, anything to give him a entry into his life. From there... well, he would trust the wolf to show him where to go from there.
Severus repressed a bitter laugh at Lupin's words. If he answered honestly, Lupin would withdraw his offer of friendship and run away screaming. What he wanted Lupin to be was... impossible.
"I can't answer that, Lupin." He released a long, slow breath, wracking his brain for a response that wouldn't give away too much. "Perhaps we should simply start with an end to the hostilities and see where it goes from there."
"All right," Remus said, smiling slightly. It wasn't much, but it was far, far better than nothing. He could deal with it.
Remus walked back towards Severus, pausing next to him. He gazed consideringly at the other man for a long moment, then raised his hand, and held it out towards Severus.
Severus stared at Lupin's outstretched hand for a moment, looking at it as he might look at a venomous snake about to strike. Slowly, he lifted his hand and slid it into Lupin's palm, clasping Lupin's hand firmly.
It was the first time he could remember ever touching Lupin. Twenty years of longing and hatred intertwined, and only now were they touching. At least, he thought, it wasn't in anger.
Severus gazed at their clasped hands, astounded at the sight; it was something he had never expected. Lupin's hand was warm in his own, and it felt -- good.
Remus' breath hitched as Severus accepted his gesture, and he almost gasped as their skin made contact for the first time. He had waited for this, wanted it for so long, that now that the moment was here he felt oddly choked up, his throat thick with emotion.
Squeezing Severus' hand back firmly, reveling in the strength of those wonderfully long, pale fingers, Remus had to fight against the urge to press for more - oh, so much more! Instead he smiled, and spoke huskily. "Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me, Severus."
Severus knew he ought to be tugging his hand free by now, but somehow, he just wasn't getting around to it. "I don't understand it, but..." He lifted one shoulder in a negligent shrug.
Remus' smile became a grin, and he squeezed Severus' hand again. "That's okay. You will. Eventually."
Releasing Severus' hand while he still could force himself to do so, Remus stepped back. "Well, then. I need to get going. Hope to see you around soon, Severus." Giving a jaunty wave that was nowhere near to reflecting the sudden lightness of his heart, Remus turned and walked away from the table.
Severus glanced over at the now cold bowl of soup, but the thought of reheating it or asking for a replacement was out of the question. He didn't want food; he wanted to retreat to the safety of his chambers and think. He'd decided to indulge what should have been a simple evening out, and now, less than twelve hours later, he found his life thrown in complete disarray by twists he'd never dreamt possible. The next time he grew discontent and thought he wanted to make some changes, he might very well stay at home with a good book instead.
Glancing around, Severus looked to see if the secluded table he had claimed the night before was vacant; fortunately, the pub wasn't crowded yet, and it was. He detoured to order a bowl of pea soup from Tom and then headed straight for his table and sat down. He didn't want anything alcoholic, not yet; he still had some things to sort through, and he needed a clear head to do it.
Remus pushed open the door to The Leaky, then stood back to allow Bill to precede him into the pub, giving his lover a playful smile and a half-mocking bow. "Beauty before age," he murmured softly, pushing the redhead inside.
It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dimness, and he curved one arm casually around Bill's waist, leaning close to the redhead's ear to whisper about the benefits of imbibing more firewhiskey to "warm up" before returning to Bill's flat. Before the words could be formed, however, he caught sight of a familiar dark form sitting at the back table, the same one he had occupied the previous night.
Eyes narrowing, Remus made a hasty decision. Instead of whispering, he turned Bill into his embrace, dropping a deep, hard kiss on the redhead's lips. Then he pulled back, smiling somewhat brittlely. "Why don't you get us something to drinK?" he asked softly. "I'll get us a table."
With that, he deliberately sauntered back near where Severus was seated, dropping down at a table close by and gifting the Potions Master with a smirk.
"Well, hello, Severus," he drawled, raising a brow. "Have a...good night?"
The stairs creaked as Percy made his way downstairs. His pounding head was a little worse for wear, and he hadn't found a comb so his curls were flying everywhere. But honestly, he didn't care very much about that. Last night had been so...enlightening, and he had a lot on his mind. He wanted to talk to Severus once more, but he rose much earlier and had departed before Percy woke. Running his hands through his unruly mop, Percy looked to see if he was around the pub when he opened the swinging doors to enter, and saw his brother and Remus in addition to the man he sought.
Severus instinctively glanced over at the door when it opened, but he quickly looked away when he saw Lupin and Bill Weasley enter. He had seen quite enough of their antics the night before, and he had no desire to bear witness to more. He could feel all the residual relaxing effects of his unexpectedly pleasant night dissipate, and he scowled, his shoulders hunching as he concentrated on his soup and tried to block out everything -- and everyone -- else.
Naturally, the damned werewolf had to choose the one table in the mostly empty room that was nearest his. Severus shifted so that his back was as turned to Lupin as he could manage, but then Lupin spoke, and Severus shot a venomous glare over his shoulder at him. "That's hardly any of your business, Lupin."
"Pardon me for being civil," Remus replied, unruffled. His eyes flashed back at the sight of Percy coming down the stairs, looking disheveled and quite literally debauched. Remus hadn't missed who Severus had departed the pub with the previous evening, and his jaw tightened. Lowering his voice, he spoke in a tone as cold as any Severus had ever directed at him, contempt obvious in every syllable. "Although when I told you to have fun molesting the kiddies, I didn't mean it as a suggestion."
Bill made his way through the nearly empty pub towards the table Remus had chosen, holding two tumblers of Firewhiskey, but stopped short when he saw the obviously hostile postures Snape and Remus had adopted. He could hear Remus's voice, which sounded more than a bit angry. Confused, he followed Remus' eyes and turned to see his brother coming into the pub. Oh, dear, Bill thought as he realized that his suspicions about the tension between Snape and Remus were probably being confirmed. He sighed, seeing his dreams of another good shag fly away, and did the proper thing.
"Perce!" Bill said loudly, stepping in his path. "I've been looking for you! I wanted to take you to breakfast at this little place down by Gringotts...they have the best, um, toast. Yeah. Um, and you'll need this - it's a little hangover cure."
"Not right now, Bill," Percy said. "I have something I have to do." Percy hadn't noticed Lupin, not that he would have understood, and was intent on getting to Severus for a conversation before he left completely.
"Right...now...you git," Bill said, grabbing his brother forcibly by the arm and turning towards the two tables. "Well, lads, it's been great, but I have to catch up with my brother here. I'm sure we'll see you later, okay then?" Bill steered his brother out of the pub into the sunshine, causing them both to squint.
Severus' hands curled into fists in his lap as he continued to glare at Lupin. He was momentarily distracted by the sight of Bill hauling Percy away -- out of the line of fire, no doubt -- and his annoyance doubled. He had wanted to speak with Percy, and now the opportunity was gone, thanks to Lupin's meddling.
"Percy is not a 'kiddie'," he retorted, the words ground out through clenched teeth. "It's none of your concern anyway, especially considering you were off shagging his brother."
"He's bloody young enough to be your son!" Remus retorted hotly. "For Merlin's sake, he was your student! Bill is less than ten years younger than I am, an experienced man. Percy is..."
A feral growl had begun in Remus' chest, and the intensity of his jealousy was shocking even to himself. Forcibly he reigned in his temper, which was threatening to have him snarling and snapping, betraying far too much. "You're right, Severus. It's none of my concern. Why in the bloody hell should I care anyway?"
Scraping back his chair, he rose to his feet, shooting Severus a grim look. "Just don't you ever again dare to call me cheap and tawdry, Severus Snape. Not unless you look in your own damned mirror first."
Fury rose up, white-hot and boiling, and before Severus was even aware of a conscious intention to do so, he was on his feet, using his height as an advantage to loom over Lupin and glare down at him. How dare Lupin presume to sit in judgment of him!
"Percy hasn't been my student for years -- he's an adult, fully capable of making his own decisions, and last night, he decided to go to bed with me. What is it really that bothers you about that, Lupin? The fact that someone might actually find me desirable? The fact that someone in the room was less than entranced by your little display on-stage?"
Severus drew in a deep breath and stared down his nose at Lupin, letting the full force of his contempt show. "I'm not the one who pranced around shirtless, showing off like some -- some middle-aged fool trying to capture his lost youth. Trying and failing miserably!"
Remus refused to be intimidated by either Severus' height or his tone. The comment about his "lost youth", however, cut him to the quick - especially since the damned display had been entirely for Severus' benefit in the first place. Amber eyes glowed ferally, and he stalked towards Severus, blatantly insinuating himself into the Potions Master's personal space.
"Percy may be an adult in years, but he's an emotional child who was so bloody drunk last night he could barely stagger out of the bar," Remus spat back. "And I can quite well believe that someone would find you desirable, you miserable git. What I can't understand is why you find it infinitely more satisfying to prowl after drunks than to accept an equal. What's the matter, Severus? Scared of bedding a real man?"
With a snarl to show his own contempt, Remus raised a finger and poked Severus in the chest, hard. "And as far as my little display on stage... it was for the benefit of one and only one person, and as such was a miserable failure. But pardon me for ever thinking that you might ever understand about wanting someone so much that you would change your entire life for them if you could. Of course, you would never understand that, would you? You're so damned smug and superior and independent, you don't need anyone else, do you? Must be nice, Severus. I wish to God I had your inner coldness, because then nothing would matter to me, either!"
Severus planted his feet firmly and held his ground, refusing to back away in spite of Lupin's violation of his personal space; he wanted to push Lupin away or skirt around the nearest table and put some distance between them, but that would be a show of weakness he didn't intend to make. He'd come face to face with Lupin's inner beast once before; a little bristling from Mr. Tweed-and-Chocolate was nothing in comparison.
Angry words rose to his lips in defense of his behavior with Percy, but he refused to utter them. Lupin was twisting everything around and making it ugly, but it hadn't been. Percy could have said no, but he didn't, and as a result, Severus had not only enjoyed sex for the first time in years, he had also connected with someone, and he felt he had done Percy some good, too. Perhaps he hadn't, but that was for Percy to say, not Lupin, and Severus was not going to bother justifying himself.
His lip curled with disdain. "I can imagine who that display was for." Boardman, of course. Boardman, who resembled Lupin's dead lover. Lupin probably would have offered himself up naked in a cauldron of Tom's pea soup if he thought it would get Boardman's attention. "But your pathetic crushes don't concern me, Lupin. You're right -- I don't need anyone, and I have you and your friends to thank for that. You taught me very well indeed, Lupin. You helped teach me that I couldn't rely even on those who had the responsibility to help those in need, and that's a lesson I will never forget. Congratulations on a job well done."
Remus went white, and for a moment he thought he might be ill. But that would be weak, and he had come too far, said too much to back away now. They would finish this once and for all, and he could walk away from the Wizarding world if he had to, but there was nothing for it now but to see it through to the bitter end. After all, if Severus had figured out the display was for his benefit, and didn't care, what did any of it matter anyway?
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child," he found himself quoting from memory. "But when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part, but then shall I know even as also I am known."
Eyes bleak, he shrugged. "I would apologize if it would help, but I'm sure you don't want to hear it, as you have never wanted to hear anything I have ever had to say. I will not defend what I did, because you are precisely right. It's my fault, and now I am reaping the rewards of it. But you have had your revenge on me for that, don't you think? You broke a solemn promise and gave my secret away to the world."
Remus shrugged again, as if it didn't matter. "I've already waited too long, and all my hope is gone." He gave a bitter chuckle, as he repeated the lines from the verse he had sung to Severus the previous night. He hadn't realized at the time how prophetic they would be. "You win, Severus."
Severus stared at Lupin's face, noting how it had inexplicably drained of all color, and frowned, feeling as if he were missing something that was crucial to this... discussion? Argument? He didn't know what it was anymore. He had somehow gone from pensive to furious to confused in the space of about five minutes, and he didn't like it. He ought to be furious still -- he wanted to be furious. That was easier and more familiar territory, especially where Lupin was concerned, but Lupin's words had thrown him off-balance, especially when it struck him that Lupin had quoted from that song.
"What the bloody hell are you babbling about?" he demanded, scowling fiercely. "I win what? What does the fact that you can't get Boardman to notice you have to do with me? I don't give a damn about your little seduction games, and I certainly don't count that as my victory!"
Remus blinked, then blinked again. He had expected Severus to smile coldly in victory, perhaps to sneer further about his cowardice. He certainly hadn't expected an abrupt switch in gears, and it threw him into confusion. "Boardman? Who in the name of Merlin is..." he paused, frowning. "That lousy singer who works here? The one who cozened up to the Order at the end of the war to save his own skin? Why in the hell would I want him to notice me? I haven't even met him, much less have any desire to try to seduce him!"
"Don't bother pretending you don't understand, Lupin," Severus replied, sneering. "I'm neither stupid nor blind, and I know he bears a passing resemblance to the one person you've always wanted and been loyal to above all others."
Remus was genuinely confused. "The one person I've always wanted? But he looks nothing like y..." Abruptly Remus stopped, flushing as he realized what he had almost given away. Then he really thought about what Severus had said, and his forehead creased as he tried to recall what Boardman looked like. Dark hair. Light eyes. Handsome enough, if you liked the type, he supposed, but...
Then it clicked.
"What?" Remus exclaimed, eyes wide. "You mean Sirius, don't you? Sweet Merlin, are you under the mistaken impression that I ever wanted Sirius?"
"Mistaken impression...?" Severus gaped at him -- and then fury blazed to life again, ignited by decades-old anger and pain, mingled with emotions that Severus had no desire to examine closely.
"Do you think I'm that much of a fool?" he roared, his fists clenched and shaking at his sides. "Black and Potter harassed me -- and you let them! You stood by and did nothing, and you were a Prefect! You should have, no matter how much you may have hated me, but you didn't, because it's always been about Black. You wanted him even then, and you were so blinded by lust and loyalty that you didn't care who he hurt. You just let him do whatever he damned well pleased. You let him attack me, you protected him when he escaped from prison, and you even helped him try to murder me!"
"I should have stopped them," Remus agreed evenly. "You're bloody damned right I should have done something. I didn't and I was wrong. I was a bloody coward and it has haunted me for years that my cowardice hurt you. But it was not because I wanted Sirius Black, Severus! Damn it, you're a bloody Legilimens. I didn't protect him during that year I taught at Hogwarts, and I sure as hell would not have helped him try to murder you! Think about it, Severus. If you had died, the Ministry would have killed ME. If you don't believe me, just cast the damned spell and ask me, and then you'll know the truth! I did it not because I wanted Sirius, but because I didn't want to be alone!"
Severus glared at Lupin, silently fuming. Bloody fucking hell -- he hated it when Lupin was all calm and reasonable, and moreover, he hated that Lupin was saying he was right. He would have thought that hearing "you're right" would have made him gleefully smug, but coming from Lupin, he hated it. He didn't want to hear Lupin admit that Severus was right, and he was wrong, because then Severus couldn't hate him anymore, and he didn't want to stop hating Lupin. Not hating Lupin was dangerous, and it had almost got him killed once before.
No, he wanted to cling to his anger and hatred, because it was safe, far safer than letting himself stop hating or worse, start believing that Lupin meant it when he said he didn't want Black, and he refused to let it go without a fight.
"Fine!" he spat. "You didn't help Black try to kill me because it would have meant risking your own neck. That doesn't change anything!"
"Actually, I didn't help him because, first off, I did not then nor do I now have any desire to see you dead. Not only that, I didn't know what Sirius had planned, and if I had I would have stopped it because even if I had hated you, which I never did, murder is wrong."
Remus sighed. "You're right, it doesn't change anything, Severus. You have always hated me, and you always will. If there aren't real reasons for you to hate me, you will manufacture them because I'm just a werewolf and not worthy of anything except hatred. Isn't that right? I could have done everything perfectly and you still would have hated me just because to you I am not human, and will never be anything but a monster."
The werewolf gave a chuckle that held absolutely no humor. "I just adore being condemned for a darkness that chose me, by a man who chose his own. I guess the difference is that you can be forgiven for what you did, while no matter what I do, I cannot."
"Oh, blah blah blah." Severus folded his arms across his chest, rolling his eyes at Lupin's dramatic speech. "I should have known you would play the werewolf card at some point." He pressed the back of one hand to his forehead. "I am a werewolf, and everyone fears me. Woe." He folded his arms again and regarded Lupin with narrowed eyes. "Bollocks. You have plenty of friends, and obviously there are those who are willing to overlook your condition enough to shag you, if the number of lolling tongues last night was any indication, so don't try to sell me your pitiful little song and dance."
It was his turn to reach out and jab Lupin, poking his chest none too gently. "For that matter, I don't hate you because you're a werewolf, Lupin. I hate you because--"
Because I've wanted you forever, and I can never have you.
"--you're a weak-willed follower, because you endangered lives by lying and shirking your responsibility as an authority figure, not once but twice, and because you and your friends hated me first for no reason other than the way I look and the fact that you didn't approve of my interests."
If the situation hadn't been so deadly important to him, Remus might have laughed at the image of Severus Snape rolling his eyes and saying "blah blah blah." As it was, all he could do was shake his head and sigh.
"I am no longer a weak willed follower," he corrected Severus firmly. "And as for the rest... Yes, I did endanger lives by lying and shirking my responsibilities, twice as you have stated. I will reiterate that I never hated you, but I did nothing to keep the hatred of the others from you as I should have." Remus paused for a moment, then drew a deep breath.
"I'm sorry. Will you please forgive me for royally fucking up?" he asked softly.
'Gobsmacked' didn't begin to cover Severus' reaction to Lupin's apology. For a moment, he went blank, unable to speak because his mind was too busy reeling to form coherent thought. Even when the shock wore off, he had no idea what to say. What would it mean if he accepted? How could he accept without letting go of the hatred? And if he did that...
It wasn't safe, but Lupin had taken away his reasons for saying "no", leaving him with no choices but to accept the apology and hope that Lupin didn't take that as permission to start pestering him, or say no and confirm everyone's opinion that he was an unreasonable bastard, which would damage his chances for being able to enact the changes he wanted to make in his life.
Damn Lupin! Why did he always have to make things so difficult?
"Why does it suddenly matter so much that I forgive you?" he asked suspiciously, trying to stall for time while his mind raced to find a way out of this that would neither make him vulnerable nor make him look worse than he already did in the eyes of those who knew him.
The words were there, on the tip of Remus' tongue, begging to be said. I love you. It would have been so easy to say them. And it would have ruined everything. Until Severus had forgiven him, there was no way he would even believe Remus meant it.
"The war is over, Severus. I want all my wars over, so I can finally have peace for the first time in my life," he said instead. Sappy, perhaps, but also the truth, and something at which Severus couldn't take possibly take offense. Yet he couldn't help adding just a bit more. "You're also a fascinating man, Severus. I have wondered many times what it would be like to be your friend."
A little flare of panic burst in Severus' chest at that. Oh, God. Lupin wanted to be friends. It wasn't enough that he had Potter and probably most of the Weasley horde, and that most of his former students still adored him. No, he wanted to be friends with Severus, too.
Damn damn damn damn damn.
There was no way he could be "just friends" with Lupin. If he tried, that damned attraction that had plagued him while they were at school together, prior to "the prank", would rise up again, and he would end up looking like a fool. He hadn't been able to get rid of it in twenty years, and he'd hated himself and Lupin for it; it certainly wouldn't go away if he went along with what Lupin wanted... but he didn't have to do that.
"I accept your apology," he said grudgingly, scowling as he turned away from Lupin. "But I don't want to be friends."
The relief of Severus' acceptance of his apology was immediately overwhelmed by the rejection of his offer of friendship. Remus couldn't help the small gasp of pain that escaped him at those words, but he bit down on it quickly. It had been too much to hope for, he supposed. Severus had forgiven him, but that was all he was ever going to get.
"I see," Remus said, voice totally empty. "Well. Thank you for that, at least. Have a nice life, Severus."
Remus whirled on his heel, as the hope he had felt only moments ago crumbled within him. For a brief instant, he had thought... but no. It had been stupid to even dream Severus would want to be close to him. He had Percy-fucking-Weasley now, didn't he? How ironic was it to be so close to obtaining his heart's desire, only to lose it to such an idiotic young prat?
Suddenly getting drunk again seemed like a very good idea.
As soon as Lupin turned away, Severus reached for the back of the nearest chair, gripping it tightly to steady himself for a moment before pulling it out and sinking into it. He lifted his hand to rub the bridge of his nose and realized that it was shaking. The entire conversation had shaken him from start to finish, and even now, his stomach was tied in a knot. He'd heard the little gasp, heard the flatness in Lupin's voice at his refusal. From Lupin's words, it seemed as if Severus had got what he wanted: Lupin would leave him alone.
Bugger.
It was what he wanted!
All right, no, it wasn't what he really wanted, but he couldn't have that, so there was no sense in torturing himself with trying to maintain the illusion of friendship. Was there?
Of course, Lupin would tell everyone that he had apologized and extended an olive branch, and Severus had been a big bully about the whole thing.
Bugger!
He pushed his fingers through his hair, torn, angry with Lupin, angry with himself, and not knowing what he should do -- not knowing what the right thing to do was -- and somewhere, in the middle of all that, he heard himself speak.
"Lupin. Wait."
Remus had moved several paces away, caught up in planning just how drunk he would have to get to forget all of this, and precisely which beverages would render the desired state in the minimal amount of time. It was the state he would need attain in order to suppress the wolfish instincts, which were urging him to fight, to go back and pin Severus to the wall and demand both an admission and a submission he would never receive.
But then Severus spoke, and Remus turned back in surprise. Caution warred with hope within him, and he had to clear his throat slightly before he could find his voice to reply. "Yes, Severus?"
Severus leaned his head in his hand, not looking at Lupin. He could scarcely believe the words had escaped his mouth, and if the hangover potion he'd taken hadn't been brewed by someone who knew what they were doing -- namely, himself -- he would have blamed residual alcohol in his system for his apparent lapse of sanity.
"When you say you want to be friends," he began quietly, "what exactly do you mean?"
Of all the things Remus had expected Severus to say - most of them along the lines of "By the way, never speak to me again" - asking what he meant by the simple term "friendship" certainly hadn't been among them.
"I..." he began hesitantly, before stopping and taking a deep breath to calm his suddenly hammering heart. "Friends. You know. Hullo Severus, nice to see you. Buy you a drink? How are your classes going? Fancy a game of chess?" Remus paused again. "Er... if that doesn't suit, tell me what you do want, and I'm certainly happy to oblige. That's what friends tend to do. Be what each other needs them to be, or at least as much as possible."
Still focusing his gaze on the table as if it held the mysteries of the universe, Severus shook his head. "You said it yourself: I don't need anybody. I don't have friends, Lupin. I have colleagues, acquaintances, students, enemies... not friends."
"Well, don't you think it's about time to change that?" Remus asked quietly. Then he shrugged. "Tell me what you want me to be, Severus." He knew he probably sounded pathetic, but he didn't care. There was something strangely vulnerable about Severus like this, and it made Remus suddenly feel very protective, made him want to put his arms around the other man and hold him. Which was, of course, out of the question. But all he needed was for Severus to throw him a bone, anything to give him a entry into his life. From there... well, he would trust the wolf to show him where to go from there.
Severus repressed a bitter laugh at Lupin's words. If he answered honestly, Lupin would withdraw his offer of friendship and run away screaming. What he wanted Lupin to be was... impossible.
"I can't answer that, Lupin." He released a long, slow breath, wracking his brain for a response that wouldn't give away too much. "Perhaps we should simply start with an end to the hostilities and see where it goes from there."
"All right," Remus said, smiling slightly. It wasn't much, but it was far, far better than nothing. He could deal with it.
Remus walked back towards Severus, pausing next to him. He gazed consideringly at the other man for a long moment, then raised his hand, and held it out towards Severus.
Severus stared at Lupin's outstretched hand for a moment, looking at it as he might look at a venomous snake about to strike. Slowly, he lifted his hand and slid it into Lupin's palm, clasping Lupin's hand firmly.
It was the first time he could remember ever touching Lupin. Twenty years of longing and hatred intertwined, and only now were they touching. At least, he thought, it wasn't in anger.
Severus gazed at their clasped hands, astounded at the sight; it was something he had never expected. Lupin's hand was warm in his own, and it felt -- good.
Remus' breath hitched as Severus accepted his gesture, and he almost gasped as their skin made contact for the first time. He had waited for this, wanted it for so long, that now that the moment was here he felt oddly choked up, his throat thick with emotion.
Squeezing Severus' hand back firmly, reveling in the strength of those wonderfully long, pale fingers, Remus had to fight against the urge to press for more - oh, so much more! Instead he smiled, and spoke huskily. "Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me, Severus."
Severus knew he ought to be tugging his hand free by now, but somehow, he just wasn't getting around to it. "I don't understand it, but..." He lifted one shoulder in a negligent shrug.
Remus' smile became a grin, and he squeezed Severus' hand again. "That's okay. You will. Eventually."
Releasing Severus' hand while he still could force himself to do so, Remus stepped back. "Well, then. I need to get going. Hope to see you around soon, Severus." Giving a jaunty wave that was nowhere near to reflecting the sudden lightness of his heart, Remus turned and walked away from the table.
Severus glanced over at the now cold bowl of soup, but the thought of reheating it or asking for a replacement was out of the question. He didn't want food; he wanted to retreat to the safety of his chambers and think. He'd decided to indulge what should have been a simple evening out, and now, less than twelve hours later, he found his life thrown in complete disarray by twists he'd never dreamt possible. The next time he grew discontent and thought he wanted to make some changes, he might very well stay at home with a good book instead.