Breaking Point
What's been going on and why I just can't deal with my grandmother right now.
Three classes is hard, but I think what's killing me this term is that frigging Legal Research class. All of us really agree that it's just... probably one of the hardest classes any of us have taken. It's very demanding and we don't feel like we have all the information necessary to do the assignments properly. They discussion board posts, which usually take about fifteen minutes each in any other class, take me hours.
I'm overtired and overwrought, cranky and emotional. I'm very lonely because I never really have time to go do anything because all I do is school, and I don't even get a break between terms. I skipped the existence of Christmas and New Year's because I had failed a paper that I had to rewrite, and truthfully, was so overtired I just couldn't bear the thought of dealing with my family. They tax me. I know they are sweet, but being around them is always really uncomfortable because I always feel this huge need to apologize to them for not being skinny yet.
Sure, that sounds irrational and like I'm "mindreading" and presuming that's what they think when really they are probably just glad to have me home. I don't think that's right. Here's why.
I called my grandmother, to whom I am very close, just before Christmas. I was near tears when we talked, and explained how low and tired I was feeling, and that while I wasn't going to quit school, I was struggling. Maybe it was just winter blues, I'd suggested. Regardless, she knew I was having a hard time. So, I talked with her this past Friday, and she said I sounded a bit better. I expressed that I was, mostly because midterms were over and I had done very well. Still, I told her, I feel pretty fragile and lonely right now, but I was working through it. I told her I had a doctor's appointment coming up to check my glucose and assess my stress (I'm very responsible about my health). So she said in a very emphatic way, "you HAVE to lose weight!"
I got very upset.
At first, I fought back the tears. I said, "that's really not what I need to hear right now, Gram." She said she just worried about my health. I said I knew, and that's why I see the doctor and do the best I can. By that point, I was crying in earnest, and she knew it. I said, "I don't harp on you to quit smoking. You already know you should. So please, for god's sake..." Finally, she could see she was getting nowhere, and said, I kid you not, "well... let's just BE HAPPY!" I was too upset, and said, "you know, I'm too upset with you to talk. I will talk to you later." And I hung up.
This is difficult on a lot of levels. My grandmother has really been the one person I could talk to when I was feeling low. In recent years, as she's gotten older, she's honestly gotten a lot less able to judge what's appropriate to say and what's not. If her harping on my weight was really going to fix things, I would have been skinny right after I gained the first little bit of weight at age 9. To be honest, I usually can just steel myself against it, against all the times she's told me that no one wants to date me because I'm so unattractive, or that I would be so beautiful if I were thin, or that she stays up late at night worrying that I'm going to die young. She blames the reason I don't have children yet on the fact that no one would ever want to sleep with me, and that all of my emotional struggles are because I'm fat. No matter how high my grades are, how self-sufficient I am... none of that matters because I'm not thin. It comes up all the time. I had once written in this blog that I could win the Nobel Prize, and my mother would sit int he audience and yell "yeah, but she's not funny". My grandmother would tell a guest at the afterparty, "well, we're all so proud. If she could just lose weight though..." I'm one of the hardest working, most successful people in our family. None of that earns me any mercy from her when it comes to the weight issue.
I realize that she is just worried and cares, and that's why she does it. And I'm glad and lucky to have people in my life who do care and do worry. I just feel so kicked in the teeth, and like one of my final support systems is gone. No, she's not dead, and no, I haven't decided I'm never going to speak to her again. The thing is, if I tell her "I'm feeling really vulnerable and depressed right now" and THAT Is what she thinks of to say, then I think she's probably not the best person to lean on. I've never been the person who needed "tough love" -- believe me, I'm harder on myself than she could even dream of being. I don't know... I guess I'm just still upset about the way the conversation went, and honestly more than a little surprised at how really strongly emotional I got. I mean, I sobbed. That's just not me. I do feel a lot better today, and I wouldn't say that overall I feel really depressed -- I feel appropriately stressed out for what I've got going on. I think your family really knows how to hurt you the most, though. I don't hate her, I just am not capable of dealing with her and continuing to succeed with all of this pressure. I'd rather be lonely than deal with her fixation.
Three classes is hard, but I think what's killing me this term is that frigging Legal Research class. All of us really agree that it's just... probably one of the hardest classes any of us have taken. It's very demanding and we don't feel like we have all the information necessary to do the assignments properly. They discussion board posts, which usually take about fifteen minutes each in any other class, take me hours.
I'm overtired and overwrought, cranky and emotional. I'm very lonely because I never really have time to go do anything because all I do is school, and I don't even get a break between terms. I skipped the existence of Christmas and New Year's because I had failed a paper that I had to rewrite, and truthfully, was so overtired I just couldn't bear the thought of dealing with my family. They tax me. I know they are sweet, but being around them is always really uncomfortable because I always feel this huge need to apologize to them for not being skinny yet.
Sure, that sounds irrational and like I'm "mindreading" and presuming that's what they think when really they are probably just glad to have me home. I don't think that's right. Here's why.
I called my grandmother, to whom I am very close, just before Christmas. I was near tears when we talked, and explained how low and tired I was feeling, and that while I wasn't going to quit school, I was struggling. Maybe it was just winter blues, I'd suggested. Regardless, she knew I was having a hard time. So, I talked with her this past Friday, and she said I sounded a bit better. I expressed that I was, mostly because midterms were over and I had done very well. Still, I told her, I feel pretty fragile and lonely right now, but I was working through it. I told her I had a doctor's appointment coming up to check my glucose and assess my stress (I'm very responsible about my health). So she said in a very emphatic way, "you HAVE to lose weight!"
I got very upset.
At first, I fought back the tears. I said, "that's really not what I need to hear right now, Gram." She said she just worried about my health. I said I knew, and that's why I see the doctor and do the best I can. By that point, I was crying in earnest, and she knew it. I said, "I don't harp on you to quit smoking. You already know you should. So please, for god's sake..." Finally, she could see she was getting nowhere, and said, I kid you not, "well... let's just BE HAPPY!" I was too upset, and said, "you know, I'm too upset with you to talk. I will talk to you later." And I hung up.
This is difficult on a lot of levels. My grandmother has really been the one person I could talk to when I was feeling low. In recent years, as she's gotten older, she's honestly gotten a lot less able to judge what's appropriate to say and what's not. If her harping on my weight was really going to fix things, I would have been skinny right after I gained the first little bit of weight at age 9. To be honest, I usually can just steel myself against it, against all the times she's told me that no one wants to date me because I'm so unattractive, or that I would be so beautiful if I were thin, or that she stays up late at night worrying that I'm going to die young. She blames the reason I don't have children yet on the fact that no one would ever want to sleep with me, and that all of my emotional struggles are because I'm fat. No matter how high my grades are, how self-sufficient I am... none of that matters because I'm not thin. It comes up all the time. I had once written in this blog that I could win the Nobel Prize, and my mother would sit int he audience and yell "yeah, but she's not funny". My grandmother would tell a guest at the afterparty, "well, we're all so proud. If she could just lose weight though..." I'm one of the hardest working, most successful people in our family. None of that earns me any mercy from her when it comes to the weight issue.
I realize that she is just worried and cares, and that's why she does it. And I'm glad and lucky to have people in my life who do care and do worry. I just feel so kicked in the teeth, and like one of my final support systems is gone. No, she's not dead, and no, I haven't decided I'm never going to speak to her again. The thing is, if I tell her "I'm feeling really vulnerable and depressed right now" and THAT Is what she thinks of to say, then I think she's probably not the best person to lean on. I've never been the person who needed "tough love" -- believe me, I'm harder on myself than she could even dream of being. I don't know... I guess I'm just still upset about the way the conversation went, and honestly more than a little surprised at how really strongly emotional I got. I mean, I sobbed. That's just not me. I do feel a lot better today, and I wouldn't say that overall I feel really depressed -- I feel appropriately stressed out for what I've got going on. I think your family really knows how to hurt you the most, though. I don't hate her, I just am not capable of dealing with her and continuing to succeed with all of this pressure. I'd rather be lonely than deal with her fixation.