expectations
it’s a type of strangling expectation that tightens around kai’s head. they expect kai to run, they expect him to go and never look back. why shouldn’t they, after all? kai has always been the one that’s a little more unnerved. the one who’s always looking for a fight, a quick way to get out, an easier exit. he has that type of image, where you know he’s about to blow. kai is a ticking time bomb; just wait for him to explode.
but in reality kai is a lot sturdier than people give him credit for. it’s kyungsoo that wants to escape.
while people are watching kai in his spotlight, they tend to ignore his little boyfriend, do kyungsoo. the boy who’s watching from the sidelines, who sees the girls [and the boys] flirting with who they think to be a single man. he’s always reassured by the calming touch of kai’s arm when it touches his waist, but it’s just not enough. kyungsoo loves kai with every fibre of his being, but the condescending looks coming from kai’s troop is agitating. he pretends not to see the literal shock on their faces when kai announces who he is. he pretends not to hear their judging comments when they think he can’t hear. he can, and that’s the point. he pretends to ignore the fact that he’s “not good enough for someone like kai.” for kai, who is a legend in the city. for the one who dances like water, kisses like fire, is gentle like air, and is sturdy as stone. for the person who is literally perfect in every way, who can and will do anything and everything. for the man who will be going places, places farther than korea. for kai who has that type of potential. kyungsoo just isn’t good enough, but he doesn’t need to hear it coming out of other people’s mouths.
it’s really not fair.
kyungsoo is a loyal boyfriend, nonetheless. he’s only gotten better at ignoring kai’s friends as the years pass by. except oh se hun, he’s a nice kid, kyungsoo notes. the youngster always asks kyungsoo if he wants water or anything when he brings in kai’s lunch, despite knowing what the other members of their troop will think. of course, kyungsoo declines, he doesn’t want se hun to get in trouble, but it’s a thoughtful gesture. really thoughtful, kyungsoo notes, as he watches se hun pass around towels after another strong performance from them. kyungsoo comes to every single one of kai’s shows. he swears it’s because he’s interested in what kai does and not the free dinner his boyfriend buys him after, but hey, free food is never bad.
“kyungsoo!” kai calls, snapping kyungsoo out of his thoughts. kai kisses him nice and deep right there. it’s different than the normal hug which kyungsoo actually dislikes because after shows kai smells gross. “how was i?”
“perfect,” kyungsoo murmurs, patting the sweat off of kai’s face.
“you only say that because you’re my boyfriend.” kai pouts in a mockingly offended manner.
kyungsoo pats his boyfriend’s head despite the height difference. “i say it because it’s true, and don’t pout. you’re not cute like se hun.”
kai gasps very loudly. “how dare you!” he shouts. “i am very adorable, thank you very much!” he sniffs. “my own boyfriend doesn’t even appreciate my face. he likes my friend.”
kyungsoo frowns. even though he knows kai is joking, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when kai says he doesn’t appreciate him.
“hey,” kai says softly, taking kyungsoo’s hands into his own, “you know i didn’t mean it like that. anyway, se hun has a boyfriend, so i guess you’ll just be stuck with me!”
they walk away like that, hand in hand. kyungsoo is happy right then, with kai.
but then of course, someone always has to ruin the hero’s happiness, kyungsoo figures as kai’s dance troop [excluding kai and se hun] corner him one day. kyungsoo knows he should’ve never left the house for that sale on beef.
“look, kyungsoo,” taeyang says, hands held up. “i honestly have nothing against you, really.”
“you and the rest of the troop talk trash about me during your lunch breaks,” kyungsoo blinks, eyes wide.
taeyang winces. “okay, fine, i admit that we do. however, we really don’t have anything against you!”
“we have something against your relationship with kai,” seungri comments nonchalantly.
“why?” kyungsoo’s eyebrows furrow. “we’ve been together for years.”
“we know!” seungri pipes. “and we were okay with making fun of you from the side before, but guess what? kai got a scholarship. a freaking scholarship.”
“it’s in canada though,” taeyang continues, “and we know that because you’re here, he’s not going to take it.”
kyungsoo blinks. he understands where this is going. he’s watched too many dramas with his partner-in-crime, tao. “you want me to break up with kai so he’ll take the scholarship,” he says calmly. the two nod. kyungsoo sighs. he knows taeyang and seungri have genuine concern for kai’s career, but... what is kyungsoo without kai? he walks away without replying, hands clutching the groceries to his body.
what is kyungsoo without kai?
that phrase runs through kyungsoo’s every day now. it’s a repetition of kyungsoo’s failures, kyungsoo’s successes, kyungsoo’s life. he realizes that while he is nothing without kai, kai will be nothing with kyungsoo. kai has become kyungsoo’s life. he can’t remember the last time he has visited his parents or even called home. it’s all been forgotten, lost in the jumble of mess that is kai.
the room suddenly feels so much smaller. kyungsoo feels like he’s being choked. as much as he holds kai back, kai is also holding kyungsoo back. before kai, kyungsoo used to sing. he remembers the competitions, joining them with his best friend baekhyun. he remembers the feeling of gripping that microphone, knuckles turning white in anticipation. he remembers losing to baekhyun, but then winning the next one. kyungsoo remembers life without kai, and suddenly he sees that he needs to go. he still loves kai, but he needs to find a way to live.
kyungsoo needs to run.
but before he leaves, he drops by kai’s apartment. a hand raised over the door, he contemplates his decisions. he has memorized the steps to kai’s home like it was his job. there’s exactly thirty-six times your feet need to move up, give or take a couple if you’re jumping steps to avoid puddles on the stairs. there’s an ugly fern plant at the end of the hallway, set there by kai’s neighbour chen. kai makes sure to spit in it every time he wants past. not when chen’s looking though. there’s a whole lifetime of memories in this one hallway, and kyungsoo knows he’s about to give it up.
he takes a chance and knocks away. there’s no answer. he tries again, louder this time. kai isn’t home. kyungsoo turns around and begins walking away. he’s nearly at the bottom of the staircase when he sees a flash of bronze skin.
“kyungsoo?” kai asks, confused. his hair’s sticking to his forehead, he must have gotten caught in the rain. there are take-out boxes in his hand. “what are you doing here?”
kyungsoo gives him a weak smile. there’s an insincere feeling to it all right now. “kai,” he voice is caught in his throat. he tries again. “kai, take the scholarship.”
“where did you hear about that from?” kyungsoo’s walking back up the stairs with kai. the door opens and they’re inside kai’s apartment. “was it taeyang? i told him not to tell you!”
“why?” kyungsoo questions, head tilted. “i’m happy for you, you should go!”
“it’s across the world, kyungsoo.” kai’s voice is pained. he shakes his head absently. “a year’s too long for us to be apart.”
“kai, let’s break up,” the older man replies. “this isn’t about your scholarship though, in case you’re wondering.”
“then what?”
“i can’t live without you,” kyungsoo admits. “i can’t remember life without you. i’m too dependent on you, kai. i need to live. i need to find myself again.”
“that’s bullshit,” kai spits. “you need to ‘find yourself’? you’re do kyungsoo, what else do you need to know?”
“and you’re kim jongin,” kyungsoo says, calling his soon-to-be ex-boyfriend by his real name. “kai’s the dancer though. kai’s the one you put years of work into. don’t throw it all away, jongin.”
“don’t throw us away, kyungsoo,” kai begs. “we can find yourself together.”
kyungsoo shakes his head, stepping backwards. “this is something i need to do alone, please understand.”
as a last attempt of a plea, kai begins kissing kyungsoo furiously. distract him, don’t let him leave, that’s all that’s running through kai’s mind. even though kyungsoo knows what the younger boy’s doing, he lets the hands wander down his body.
in the morning, kai wakes up to an empty apartment. his clothes are folded neatly at the foot of his bed, the only reminder of what he did last night. he pulls them on frantically, running out in hopes of seeing kyungsoo in the kitchen. he’s not there. kai runs out of the house, barely remembering to lock the door behind him. he arrives at kyungsoo’s apartment, fist banging on the door. no one’s home to answer it, and eventually a neighbour comes out to tell kai to go home.
kyungsoo is long gone. against all expectations, he is the one to run away. he’s the one who took the easy way out.
kai takes the scholarship, if only to help forget. jongin needs to be kai right then, the strong, the fearless, the perfect dancer.
maybe, in reality kyungsoo and kai both have a longing to escape.