Crackfic time!
Title: ...And They All Lived Happily Ever After
Rating: PG-13 for some off-screen violence
Genre: Crack
Summary: Buffy and the gang have an unexpected visitor. Set in Season 8, Issue #26.
Warning: Uh... character death? Sort of...
Word Count: 986
A/N: I'd like to blame
sevvy_o for making her musical post, my brain for connecting it to this, angearia for fact-checking my comics references, and both her and slaymesoftly for their unfortunate encouragement. :) Some dialogue taken from and inspired by the musical "Into the Woods."
“Okay, guys,” Buffy said, addressing the group of Slayers and assorted Scoobies assembled in the control room of Slayer Central. The new Slayer Central. How many was this now, three? Four? She was getting really freakin’ tired of having her castles besieged every time she turned around. “The entire world is coming for us. We need a plan, and we need it now.”
“Satsu’s still got that submarine, right?” Kennedy asked. Satsu nodded.
“Hey,” some nameless slayer said. “Who’s that guy?” She pointed to the corner, where someone was lurking.
“Hi,” the guy replied, stepping forward with a wave. “I’m Joss Whedon.”
“Oh, I know who you are,” Buffy said, her eyes narrowing and her hands on her hips. “You’re the creator, right? The one who’s been coming up with all the awful things that have happened to me ever since I became the Slayer."
“Yep, that’s me,” Joss replied cheerfully.
Buffy was not amused. “You’ve been tormenting me for ten years!”
“Longer if you count the movie,” Dawn pointed out.
“That’s not canon!” Buffy and Joss replied simultaneously. With a suspicious glance in Joss’ direction, Buffy went on, “There is no way we are making that ‘cramps every time I sense a vampire’ thing canon. Oh, no. Not on top of everything else.”
“So, if he’s the creator, what’s he doing here with us?” Faith asked. “Shouldn’t he be off, y’know, creating?”
“Yes, absolutely!” Joss agreed. “You’ve got to send me back. I don’t belong here.”
“Well, Willow’s an unbelievably powerful witch,” Xander said. “I bet she can figure out some spell.”
Willow leaned over to Joss and said confidentially, “Good thing you wrote me that way, huh?”
“Not so fast,” Buffy said, holding up a hand to stop them. She fixed Joss with an icy glare. “Since you’re here, Mr. Whedon, I think we should take this opportunity to… talk.”
Joss gulped. “I think talking would be a bad idea, actually. See, I’m not supposed to interact with you people. I just tell the story. I’m not part of it.”
“That’s right,” Buffy replied, cracking her knuckles. “Always on the outside. Not one of us.” She grabbed him by the front of his rumpled t-shirt and plunked him in a chair. “Sit down. Now, I can’t speak for the others here, but I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t like us very much.”
“Wh-what do you mean?”
“This ‘story’ of yours. You think it’s funny, messing with our lives?”
“But - that’s my job! I tell stories; it’s what I do!” He squirmed in his chair. “It’s nothing personal. There’s always gotta be someone on the outside to pass the story along.”
“Some of us don’t like the way you’ve been telling it,” Giles retorted, his words clipped.
Joss’ head snapped up, and he looked around the room with growing dread. He’d been so focused on Buffy that he hadn’t noticed the other characters quietly circling him until he was surrounded by steely-eyed sharks, just waiting for the first drop of blood to hit the water. “Well, I - see, I believe in giving people what they need, not, uh, what they… want.” The last word came out as little more than a frightened squeak.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve put us through?” Xander demanded. “Years of being the butt-monkey!”
“You killed Mom!” Dawn cried.
“And Tara!” Willow added.
“Depression, my complexes have complexes…”
“I was like a pod-person the whole seventh season, and now I’m barely even in the story…”
“…always second to Queen B. You know, just once…”
“Now I’m a bank robber? Are you kidding me?”
“…and a doll? I'm like Sideshow Dawn over here!”
“…and then I lost my EYE!”
“Yeah!” Kennedy chimed in, jabbing at Joss’ chest with one finger. “You’ve got a lot to answer for, bucko.”
Dawn looked at her askance. “What do you have to complain about? Nothing bad ever happens to you.”
“You’ve got this, like, protective lesbian bubble around you after the whole Tara backlash,” Xander pointed out.
“Yeah, but there was that one panel where no one could tell me apart from Faith, and I’ve been confused about my motivation ever since.”
“Um, hello?” Buffy cut in, raising her hand. “Died twice over here.”
“Yeah, Buffy wins,” Xander conceded.
Kennedy rolled her eyes. “Buffy always wins.”
“Get used to it, kid,” Faith said.
“Hey, hey, guys!” Joss said, flapping his arms in an attempt to calm everyone down. “I realize you’re all upset, but you have to understand - this stuff sells. Audiences love seeing you guys suffer!”
“Audiences loved seeing me get chased by a horny unicorn?” Dawn asked dryly.
“Er, some people may have found it humorous. The thing is -”
“The thing is,” Buffy interrupted, “we're getting sick and tired of all this nonsense. And I gotta wonder if maybe you showing up here is the answer to all our problems.” She hoisted the scythe onto her shoulder menacingly.
“Whoa, B. You’re just gonna kill this guy?” Faith said. “What happened to being the good guys?”
Buffy shrugged. “Hey, he’s the one who wrote me all morally grey this season. And since when are you the voice of reason?”
“Like, issue six. Where’ve you been?”
“They never should have given you your own arc,” Buffy muttered.
“Buffy, wait!” Willow cried. “If you kill him, what happens to us? He’s right - someone’s gotta tell the story.”
“He made you evil in the future and I had to kill you.”
“What!?” Willow turned toward Joss, her eyes darkening dangerously. “Get him!”
“Wait - no - stop - I - ahhhh!”
Crunch.
*****
“So… what do we do now?” Dawn asked. “How will we know what happens next?”
“We’ll figure it out,” Buffy assured her, wiping down the blade of her scythe with a torn scrap of rumpled t-shirt. “Can’t be any worse than what he would’ve come up with, right? I think we can manage.”
Rating: PG-13 for some off-screen violence
Genre: Crack
Summary: Buffy and the gang have an unexpected visitor. Set in Season 8, Issue #26.
Warning: Uh... character death? Sort of...
Word Count: 986
A/N: I'd like to blame
sevvy_o for making her musical post, my brain for connecting it to this, angearia for fact-checking my comics references, and both her and slaymesoftly for their unfortunate encouragement. :) Some dialogue taken from and inspired by the musical "Into the Woods."
“Okay, guys,” Buffy said, addressing the group of Slayers and assorted Scoobies assembled in the control room of Slayer Central. The new Slayer Central. How many was this now, three? Four? She was getting really freakin’ tired of having her castles besieged every time she turned around. “The entire world is coming for us. We need a plan, and we need it now.”
“Satsu’s still got that submarine, right?” Kennedy asked. Satsu nodded.
“Hey,” some nameless slayer said. “Who’s that guy?” She pointed to the corner, where someone was lurking.
“Hi,” the guy replied, stepping forward with a wave. “I’m Joss Whedon.”
“Oh, I know who you are,” Buffy said, her eyes narrowing and her hands on her hips. “You’re the creator, right? The one who’s been coming up with all the awful things that have happened to me ever since I became the Slayer."
“Yep, that’s me,” Joss replied cheerfully.
Buffy was not amused. “You’ve been tormenting me for ten years!”
“Longer if you count the movie,” Dawn pointed out.
“That’s not canon!” Buffy and Joss replied simultaneously. With a suspicious glance in Joss’ direction, Buffy went on, “There is no way we are making that ‘cramps every time I sense a vampire’ thing canon. Oh, no. Not on top of everything else.”
“So, if he’s the creator, what’s he doing here with us?” Faith asked. “Shouldn’t he be off, y’know, creating?”
“Yes, absolutely!” Joss agreed. “You’ve got to send me back. I don’t belong here.”
“Well, Willow’s an unbelievably powerful witch,” Xander said. “I bet she can figure out some spell.”
Willow leaned over to Joss and said confidentially, “Good thing you wrote me that way, huh?”
“Not so fast,” Buffy said, holding up a hand to stop them. She fixed Joss with an icy glare. “Since you’re here, Mr. Whedon, I think we should take this opportunity to… talk.”
Joss gulped. “I think talking would be a bad idea, actually. See, I’m not supposed to interact with you people. I just tell the story. I’m not part of it.”
“That’s right,” Buffy replied, cracking her knuckles. “Always on the outside. Not one of us.” She grabbed him by the front of his rumpled t-shirt and plunked him in a chair. “Sit down. Now, I can’t speak for the others here, but I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t like us very much.”
“Wh-what do you mean?”
“This ‘story’ of yours. You think it’s funny, messing with our lives?”
“But - that’s my job! I tell stories; it’s what I do!” He squirmed in his chair. “It’s nothing personal. There’s always gotta be someone on the outside to pass the story along.”
“Some of us don’t like the way you’ve been telling it,” Giles retorted, his words clipped.
Joss’ head snapped up, and he looked around the room with growing dread. He’d been so focused on Buffy that he hadn’t noticed the other characters quietly circling him until he was surrounded by steely-eyed sharks, just waiting for the first drop of blood to hit the water. “Well, I - see, I believe in giving people what they need, not, uh, what they… want.” The last word came out as little more than a frightened squeak.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve put us through?” Xander demanded. “Years of being the butt-monkey!”
“You killed Mom!” Dawn cried.
“And Tara!” Willow added.
“Depression, my complexes have complexes…”
“I was like a pod-person the whole seventh season, and now I’m barely even in the story…”
“…always second to Queen B. You know, just once…”
“Now I’m a bank robber? Are you kidding me?”
“…and a doll? I'm like Sideshow Dawn over here!”
“…and then I lost my EYE!”
“Yeah!” Kennedy chimed in, jabbing at Joss’ chest with one finger. “You’ve got a lot to answer for, bucko.”
Dawn looked at her askance. “What do you have to complain about? Nothing bad ever happens to you.”
“You’ve got this, like, protective lesbian bubble around you after the whole Tara backlash,” Xander pointed out.
“Yeah, but there was that one panel where no one could tell me apart from Faith, and I’ve been confused about my motivation ever since.”
“Um, hello?” Buffy cut in, raising her hand. “Died twice over here.”
“Yeah, Buffy wins,” Xander conceded.
Kennedy rolled her eyes. “Buffy always wins.”
“Get used to it, kid,” Faith said.
“Hey, hey, guys!” Joss said, flapping his arms in an attempt to calm everyone down. “I realize you’re all upset, but you have to understand - this stuff sells. Audiences love seeing you guys suffer!”
“Audiences loved seeing me get chased by a horny unicorn?” Dawn asked dryly.
“Er, some people may have found it humorous. The thing is -”
“The thing is,” Buffy interrupted, “we're getting sick and tired of all this nonsense. And I gotta wonder if maybe you showing up here is the answer to all our problems.” She hoisted the scythe onto her shoulder menacingly.
“Whoa, B. You’re just gonna kill this guy?” Faith said. “What happened to being the good guys?”
Buffy shrugged. “Hey, he’s the one who wrote me all morally grey this season. And since when are you the voice of reason?”
“Like, issue six. Where’ve you been?”
“They never should have given you your own arc,” Buffy muttered.
“Buffy, wait!” Willow cried. “If you kill him, what happens to us? He’s right - someone’s gotta tell the story.”
“He made you evil in the future and I had to kill you.”
“What!?” Willow turned toward Joss, her eyes darkening dangerously. “Get him!”
“Wait - no - stop - I - ahhhh!”
Crunch.
*****
“So… what do we do now?” Dawn asked. “How will we know what happens next?”
“We’ll figure it out,” Buffy assured her, wiping down the blade of her scythe with a torn scrap of rumpled t-shirt. “Can’t be any worse than what he would’ve come up with, right? I think we can manage.”