brigits_flame: Once Upon a Time

[ephemeralbreath]

Title: Once Upon a Time
Word Count: 1,016
Notes: This was written for the June contest at brigits_flame ; the topic is "Ranch."

Comments

Second Editor

[transitiongodin]

I really, really liked the style and feel of this piece and I liked the way you dealt with the prompt.

On to the edit. I didn't find any actual mistakes, so these are just suggestions.

"No one is so tired of cliché” you might want to change "so" to "as" because "as" flows better and gives more a feel of the fairytale aspect.

"And every once in a while, I believe that maybe dreams really do come true." the "and: is unnecessary here, It does well reading "Every once in awhile I believe that maybe dreams..." etc... The comma would also then not be needed.

"Well, it may be quite obvious, as he is a prince, that his quest is to " you might try putting "as he is a prince" in parentheses instead of inside comma's, and removing the commas altogether.

You've put an extra space in "surrounded by the dark masks " - 4th paragraph

"his little foray has taken him far from his castle, " this comma should be a ; - 7th paragraph I think.

Thanks for bearing with me. You have a lovely way of writing. :)

-Leander

Re: Second Editor

[ephemeralbreath]

Thank you so much! I agree with all of your suggestions; I try hard to have a certain rhythm to the pieces I write and I think your editing shows that you saw it. Thank you again!

Re: Edit!

[ephemeralbreath]

Thank you for your edit; I agree with all of what you said. Actually, I considered every one of those sentences when I was proofreading, but I have this problem where I can't seem to change things dramatically once I put them down

[pipisafoat]

*finally wanders in from the showcase*

i loooooooooove it. :) *has nothing smart to say*