gnight

Jul 05, 2005 23:44

I need feedback on what I have so far for my common app essay ( Read more... )

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Comments 7

ephemeralsummer July 6 2005, 04:48:47 UTC
oh, and this isn't the opening b/c I haven't thought of that first. this is just the beginning of the 2nd paragraph

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katschmiddy July 6 2005, 07:10:21 UTC
I really like the subject matter, and I think you should just keep elaborating. I edited some stuff:

When I look back on the situation I think: How did I handle such a shocking truth? I remember initially crying in my room because I was jealous of the amount of attention my parents gave to my little twin sister. The feeling was much worse than jealousy, though; I didn’t fully understand why my life had to be changed all of a sudden, and so drastically. I was also angry with my parents for not telling me earlier that my sister was mentally handicapped. Then one day I was sitting in my room pouting because my parents had used all of their energy on Allison, and didn’t have the energy to read me a bedtime story, and realization hit me.

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katschmiddy July 6 2005, 07:11:07 UTC
oops, take out that comma ***on Allison, and didn’t have*** right there.

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katschmiddy July 6 2005, 07:16:28 UTC
another oops! change this ***I think: How did I handle such a shocking truth?*** to this: I think: How did I handle the revelation of such a shocking truth?

actually, either way is okay, so you pick

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