I'm not about to lie and say there aren't a lot of parasites in the world, but at the same time I feel that if someone like myself is also here in this world and I'm alive and I function and manage without being a fucking sociopath, I'm not fucking special and there must be just as fair an amount of people who do the same. For the record, my Bullshit detector is pretty awesome and I usually know when someone is being a shady bitch up to no good and when there's a reasonable, civil exchange going on. Most of the time I find no one's really out to get me, and even if they are douchebags, I don't really care that much because what's important to me at the end of the day is the fact that I'm not a douchebag. I honestly feel that it's the people who are like "Oh look at me I'm such a hard-ass and everything sucks and I'm so tough-minded" are the people who really have let shit get to them and are in reality incredibly weak in character.
I honestly feel that it's the people who are like "Oh look at me I'm such a hard-ass and everything sucks and I'm so tough-minded" are the people who really have let shit get to them and are in reality incredibly weak in character.
That's very much how I feel, except stated more concisely than I've managed thus far. I would type more, but my brain is somewhere else.
I think the reason why I've been so adept at not meeting a large volume of truly cut-throat, black-hearted types is because I've been in a few emotionally abusive friendships and relationships and by now, my internal radar system immediately sorts those types into the "bad" box and the exchanges which would screw me over if I gave them the chance simply don't have the opportunity to take place.
At it's core, I think all of this negativity and douchery that is so prevalent is a defence mechanism because so many people, myself included, are afraid. I think just about everyone starts off wanting to be nice. Then things happen and people start to wear a sense of detached cynicism and apathy bordering on malice like plate mail. The armor is heavy and exhausting to wear, but it's safe in there.
At times I can't help but think of the human race as chihuahuas barking madly and bravely in the face of any threat, be it larger dog or oncoming truck. That's not really a character judgement. It just is what it is.
I don't even know that I want to be "nice" or "not nice". I just am to people however I happen to feel towards them, and I think ultimately my desire is just to get my hands dirty, put myself out on the line and experience everything I can. And like I said to another commenter, if someone's a douche to me I can rest in the fact that I'm not a douche. I'm just somewhat sick of those who wear too many layers of armor treating that as immaturity rather than emotional intelligence and resilience.
This rant makes me happy, in a way-- though you may be speaking very broadly while I am applying it personally. After the dissolution of yet another abusive friendship (two, actually), I reached a frustrated turning point where I have the option to just shut off all optimism and start forming a shell against a cruel world-- the first times this option has presented itself so appealing. The people closeset to me in physical life, such as my parents, have been telling me it is "for the best" that I get a thicker skin, that I firm up some of the infinite softness and sensitivity I seem to be composed of. But to me, to put up a shell doesn't feel like a relief but a prison and a scar, an admission that the world is not as good as I would like to believe. I would have to change my entire worldview to one that might protect me from a few attacks every once and a while, but would prevent me from feeling the good every single day. I would rather be open to the hurt, the failure, the accusations of being crazy-- than inflict upon myself a
( ... )
I just see the world as a mixed bag of good and bad - let's just say sharp objects and valuable treasure, and if I don't stick my hands in and endure a few scratches from the sharp objects I'll never be able to get the treasure. I do have kind of a "tough skin", but that tough skin COMES from the sensitivity I have inside of me - my inner sensitivity is what allows me to remind myself that I can survive and endure whatever happens.
Oh, it's definitely good and bad. I can see the bad very well, but I can also be very "ridiculously naive" in regards to trusting people in general and the success of the grand scheme of things. I've got nothing against those who do have thicker skins, and plenty of people seem just born to be more cynical. But I am not either and trying to be becomes more of a battle to turn myself into something I'm not than just the fight to heal. Clearly whatever I am consistently doing is just fine. But some things take time to heal, and throwing up walls just to quickly block the pain is ultimately worse. Like, sewing up a wound with a piece of dirty string might stop the bleeding faster, but it's just going to infect things as they try to work themselves out naturally.
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That's very much how I feel, except stated more concisely than I've managed thus far. I would type more, but my brain is somewhere else.
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I think the reason why I've been so adept at not meeting a large volume of truly cut-throat, black-hearted types is because I've been in a few emotionally abusive friendships and relationships and by now, my internal radar system immediately sorts those types into the "bad" box and the exchanges which would screw me over if I gave them the chance simply don't have the opportunity to take place.
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At times I can't help but think of the human race as chihuahuas barking madly and bravely in the face of any threat, be it larger dog or oncoming truck. That's not really a character judgement. It just is what it is.
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