(no subject)
So we're currently watching Iceman, on Netflix, staring Danny Glover and some other people. I'm typing my thoughts as we do so.
It opens with a dreadfully slow scene of an excavation site in ice... somewhere. Tranquil music and drilling. Okay. Then a helicopter flies carrying something. You guessed it, it's the ice man looking like han solo on carbonite.
"I think he might be conscious, but I don't think he's going to make the superbowl". After a lot of yelling about what's going to happen with the iceman they decide to go the natural course in these sorts of situations: inject artificial blood, pump the lungs, and try to revive the 20,000 year old bastard. Success! Brain activity! Whaat?
Now they're talking about cyrogenics, which they've just completely stumbled across apparently while trying to revive the ice block. "Some day, parametics are going to carry cryotanks. Freeze someone until you can get the right stuff to fix them with." We need to rip apart the iceman to find out how this happened, we have to study him to save him!
Um, I think they're thinking of just letting him go back into the wild. It was confusing and somebody asked "what about the bears?" in a serious manner. Before that maybe happens, it's cave man dream time! Mmm, these berries are good. Scenes of nature. A bird flew away, I'm scared rawr.
Well, this is still going on. He fell asleep, while in the dream, so it must be some sort of manufactured biodome sort of thing. This movie would be a lot better if Pauly Shore was the cave man. He could make a bunch weasel noises. Whoa! He just made a noise that sounded like "abbott" and it called out a wild boar who charged at him and into a trap. Best part? The boar made a Johnny Quest pterodactyl noise when it got speared. Awesome.
Awww shit, iceman found a filtration unit in the water, followed the tube, and found a door. He's flipping his shit like King Kong in New York. He was not happy about finding other people. Definitely not happy. Danny Glover had to tranq him! I think it was obvious also, Danny, fuck all those white people who think they could have talked him down or something.
While iceman is in the OR it's party time! Let's play pool and drink and hit on other scientists. Wait, his pick up line is to talk about body mutilation and coal walking. Wait wait wait. Now dude is saying these people produce some special chemical that allows them to do these things. Where the fuck did they get this crackpot anthropologist? No wonder nobody takes the soft sciences seriously, there are movies like this out there.
Trying to have a conversation with iceman:
Shitty Anthropologist: *silent*
Iceman: "wargh" *angry arm waving*
SA: *walking towards iceman*
Iceman: "tsk" *spitting*
Then Iceman tackles the dude, pins him, aand lifts a big rock. Everyboddy freaks and then, showing that he's the world's first jerk, Iceman slams the rock next to SA's head and starts chuckling.
"Chaaaarooo" "That's your name? Chaaroo? Charley!" Facepalm. Yeah, iceman's name is Charley, you ponce. Now they're friends!
Iceman has an awesome laugh. It's like a drunk old captain. Haaaar. Lots of hitting when trying to explain himself. *hit* Haaaar.
Rest of the film:
AAhhhhhr. Haarrraa. AaaAAAAh. Aru. Raaa...
30 minutes of a neanderthal asking 20 questions. Lots of awkwardness. Charley the iceman tries to get SA to kill him. Blah blah blah. They send in a girl at one point. I'm betting something bad is going to happen to the first lady Charley the iceman has seen in 20,000 years. Here it cooooomes and he's just staring her down. Gave her a beetle, aw, nice. Hair sniffing, petting, going into bad place... SA keeps whispering "go with it, go with it". There it is! Charley went for some 'tang! SA had to yell mine a lot. Bwahahaha, now Charley is trying to trade shineys for the woman. Damn, and he thought he had blue balls when he was frozen, poor guy.
Okay, best part of the film. SA is singing 'Heart of Gold' while Iceman is hitting bones and going "Mreh" over and over. This lasts for several minutes.
Charley got into the compound and he has a spear! I think Danny Glover is in a movie where the black guy dies first D: I am going to laugh so hard if that's the case. He is so pissed at everything. Glass? Pissed at it. Loudspeaker? Pissed at it. Caged animals? "Pitza". Glass door he runs into? Definitely pissed at that. Photocopier he accidentally turns on? "Daaaaah".
It looks like the first death is going to be the principle from Back to the Future. "Holy shit" and stabbed by Charley. You dead. Chase scene. Charley gets outside and gets bopped in the face by a helicopter trying to land. Awesome. He's okay though, of course. Then him and the SA break out of the compound again to go on a spirit quest because that's the best thing for Charley. How does it finally end? Charley gets separated while giggling to himself and tranced out. The helicopter comes for him again and this time he's happy about seeing the bird which clubbed him out. But he grabs onto it, and the helicopter flies up, and then Charley jumps and he's fucking skydiving in animal fur. Charley the Iceman got the most badass ending ever, a full-minute long sky dive and fade to credits before he hits the ground. Who knows, maybe he's still falling to this day...
Movie idea: Cavebro (Cave-Brah) starring Pauly Shore. Same premise, but the scientists give the caveman a six-pack and say "you're going to love this shit" and hijinks ensue.
In retrospect, it's only really featuring Danny Glover.
That was actually... not too bad. Yikes. Not too good either though, at all.
It opens with a dreadfully slow scene of an excavation site in ice... somewhere. Tranquil music and drilling. Okay. Then a helicopter flies carrying something. You guessed it, it's the ice man looking like han solo on carbonite.
"I think he might be conscious, but I don't think he's going to make the superbowl". After a lot of yelling about what's going to happen with the iceman they decide to go the natural course in these sorts of situations: inject artificial blood, pump the lungs, and try to revive the 20,000 year old bastard. Success! Brain activity! Whaat?
Now they're talking about cyrogenics, which they've just completely stumbled across apparently while trying to revive the ice block. "Some day, parametics are going to carry cryotanks. Freeze someone until you can get the right stuff to fix them with." We need to rip apart the iceman to find out how this happened, we have to study him to save him!
Um, I think they're thinking of just letting him go back into the wild. It was confusing and somebody asked "what about the bears?" in a serious manner. Before that maybe happens, it's cave man dream time! Mmm, these berries are good. Scenes of nature. A bird flew away, I'm scared rawr.
Well, this is still going on. He fell asleep, while in the dream, so it must be some sort of manufactured biodome sort of thing. This movie would be a lot better if Pauly Shore was the cave man. He could make a bunch weasel noises. Whoa! He just made a noise that sounded like "abbott" and it called out a wild boar who charged at him and into a trap. Best part? The boar made a Johnny Quest pterodactyl noise when it got speared. Awesome.
Awww shit, iceman found a filtration unit in the water, followed the tube, and found a door. He's flipping his shit like King Kong in New York. He was not happy about finding other people. Definitely not happy. Danny Glover had to tranq him! I think it was obvious also, Danny, fuck all those white people who think they could have talked him down or something.
While iceman is in the OR it's party time! Let's play pool and drink and hit on other scientists. Wait, his pick up line is to talk about body mutilation and coal walking. Wait wait wait. Now dude is saying these people produce some special chemical that allows them to do these things. Where the fuck did they get this crackpot anthropologist? No wonder nobody takes the soft sciences seriously, there are movies like this out there.
Trying to have a conversation with iceman:
Shitty Anthropologist: *silent*
Iceman: "wargh" *angry arm waving*
SA: *walking towards iceman*
Iceman: "tsk" *spitting*
Then Iceman tackles the dude, pins him, aand lifts a big rock. Everyboddy freaks and then, showing that he's the world's first jerk, Iceman slams the rock next to SA's head and starts chuckling.
"Chaaaarooo" "That's your name? Chaaroo? Charley!" Facepalm. Yeah, iceman's name is Charley, you ponce. Now they're friends!
Iceman has an awesome laugh. It's like a drunk old captain. Haaaar. Lots of hitting when trying to explain himself. *hit* Haaaar.
Rest of the film:
AAhhhhhr. Haarrraa. AaaAAAAh. Aru. Raaa...
30 minutes of a neanderthal asking 20 questions. Lots of awkwardness. Charley the iceman tries to get SA to kill him. Blah blah blah. They send in a girl at one point. I'm betting something bad is going to happen to the first lady Charley the iceman has seen in 20,000 years. Here it cooooomes and he's just staring her down. Gave her a beetle, aw, nice. Hair sniffing, petting, going into bad place... SA keeps whispering "go with it, go with it". There it is! Charley went for some 'tang! SA had to yell mine a lot. Bwahahaha, now Charley is trying to trade shineys for the woman. Damn, and he thought he had blue balls when he was frozen, poor guy.
Okay, best part of the film. SA is singing 'Heart of Gold' while Iceman is hitting bones and going "Mreh" over and over. This lasts for several minutes.
Charley got into the compound and he has a spear! I think Danny Glover is in a movie where the black guy dies first D: I am going to laugh so hard if that's the case. He is so pissed at everything. Glass? Pissed at it. Loudspeaker? Pissed at it. Caged animals? "Pitza". Glass door he runs into? Definitely pissed at that. Photocopier he accidentally turns on? "Daaaaah".
It looks like the first death is going to be the principle from Back to the Future. "Holy shit" and stabbed by Charley. You dead. Chase scene. Charley gets outside and gets bopped in the face by a helicopter trying to land. Awesome. He's okay though, of course. Then him and the SA break out of the compound again to go on a spirit quest because that's the best thing for Charley. How does it finally end? Charley gets separated while giggling to himself and tranced out. The helicopter comes for him again and this time he's happy about seeing the bird which clubbed him out. But he grabs onto it, and the helicopter flies up, and then Charley jumps and he's fucking skydiving in animal fur. Charley the Iceman got the most badass ending ever, a full-minute long sky dive and fade to credits before he hits the ground. Who knows, maybe he's still falling to this day...
Movie idea: Cavebro (Cave-Brah) starring Pauly Shore. Same premise, but the scientists give the caveman a six-pack and say "you're going to love this shit" and hijinks ensue.
In retrospect, it's only really featuring Danny Glover.
That was actually... not too bad. Yikes. Not too good either though, at all.