Catharsis hidden beneath a Forever Stamp
Hickory,
I understand what it’s like not having enough time to do everything.
I’ve spent the last 4 years of my life working hard to become successful and respected at my job. I have even managed to make the dean’s list 3 out of the 4 semesters that part-time students are eligible for it at CCSU. In January 2009 when I was diagnosed with kidney disease, as well as an auto-immune disease called Sjogren’s syndrome that seems to have caused my kidney problems, managing my health was piled on to my already full plate. It was practically a full-time job. Doctor visits, medications, CT scans, x-rays, ultrasounds, biopsies, and endless rounds of bloodwork took over my life. Somehow through all of this I only missed 2 days of work. I was put on high doses of steroids and I gained 45 pounds in 9 months. Most women usually get a baby, or twins, after 45lbs and 9 months! All I got was days without sleep, a really round face, and super-tight pants. It was very scary learning that my body was attacking itself and there was nothing I could do to reverse the damage. I was very unhappy about a lot of things so I decided I had to make a change, even if it was a small one.
After Christmas I joined the gym, like half of America does every year. I made myself go every day that I didn’t have class, even though I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I felt like I didn’t have any time or energy for it. I pretty much gave up watching TV, and I love TV. I missed the final season of Lost! Instead of going home after work and climbing into bed at 6:30, I would go to the gym and sweat like a beast for an hour or two. It has taken me 10 months to lose 25 of the 45lbs I had gained last year. I started to feel better physically, I had more energy, and I had a better outlook on things. I even thought I might meet a nice guy at the gym, but I’m too shy to even say hello to anyone.
I joined eHarmony again because I don’t want to be alone forever. Things with my heath seemed to be stable, work was still busy as hell, but school was winding down. I hadn’t gone on a date with anyone this time around until I was matched with you. I had actually planned to cancel my subscription until you emailed, and I waited until I got your phone number. I hadn’t been on a date in 3 or 4 years, and I was never any good at dating. The first date was usually the last. I’ve been in one serious relationship, it lasted 2 years and I knew from the beginning that he never wanted to get married or have a family. A serious conflict for me, but I stayed in it anyway. I had one on-again off-again relationship shortly after that and it was a complete disaster. I know I’m not good at dating, it terrifies me. You probably guessed that from our first date because I must have been visibly nervous, if not shaking.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that at some point you’re going to have to give something up to let someone in, and I know that you know that. I know my ramblings are a little unclear and I apologize. We all wish there were more hours in the day to get everything done, but sometimes we have to make a sacrifice to create the time. I know you are passionate about everything you devote your time to, except dishes and laundry. But in the end something’s got to give, and you’re going to want to do it sooner rather than later so you don’t have any regrets at the end of your life. I’m sure your family would love to see you find the right girl, especially your grandparents.
I really enjoyed all the time I spent with you and spent talking with you. I’m selfish and I wish there could have been more of it. I like you a lot and I’m glad I got to know you. I’m not going to lie and say I’ll be fine and move on, because I am upset and it’s difficult for me to bounce back. I’m actually surprised I made it until the end of our phone call before I started sobbing. I don’t see myself actively pursuing dating again for a while. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, I just want you to know that this brief friendship we shared meant a lot to me. I won’t forget it.
I really wish you all the best, Hickory. You are wonderful, caring, and kind, and I hope sometime in the near future you are able to do what’s necessary to make time for someone special. Even if it’s not me. Any girl would be lucky to share her time with you.
Give Dolly a good rub for me. She’s a great critter and I’m glad I got to meet her, too.