RIP Dumas Walker

Feb 10, 2009 20:56

My Uncle's cat passed away late last night. She was rather unique and shall be missed. I will copy the obituary out that he posted on facebook, it is rather epic and speaks to their unique relationship, the kind that can only happen between a stand up comic and a bitchy old alley cat.

_________________________________

It is with deep regret and a heavy heart that we announce the passing of Dumas Walker, The Cat From Hell.

Dumas slipped away peacefully in her sleep on February 9, 2009, and is survived by her Master, Shawn D. Gramiak.

Her passing was not unexpected, as she had been in poor health for some time, and had often complained that her quality of life had faltered after she was forced to retire from the professional rodeo circuit a number of years ago.

Dumas became the ward of hundredaire man-about-town Shawn Gramiak approximately fifteen years ago. Her exact age is unknown, as Dumas would often lie about her age in order to compete for younger acting roles. An ex-alley cat, her previous owner rescued her from the euthanasia needle at the last moment. Dumas would be given up after her rescue, due to the fact that she would lure other alley cats into the second floor kitchen of her owner to have the home ice advantage in 3:00 a.m. kitchen fights. When Shawn inherited her, Dumas was originally called Sascha, but Shawn refused to have anything named after one of Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s kids in his house. He renamed her Dumas Walker, after the Blind Negro Marbles Player made famous in the song “Let’s All Go Down to Dumas Walker’s” by The Kentucky Headhunters. The title “The Cat From Hell” would be added later, based upon her personality. Dumas proved you can take the cat out of the alley…

Dumas would eventually become co-founder and Vice-President of Grunt Multiservice, along with CEO and Top Hog, Shawn Gramiak. Years would catch up to her, and enforce a form of anger management upon her. The wily, angry alley cat would eventually be replaced by a natural cynic with a wide bottom, much like her Master.

In an official statement from Mr. Gramiak, he noted, “Do not weep for Dumas. She had a good run. She passed away at home, and in doing so, saved me about $300. This will be put into the Dumas the Cat Memorial laminate floor, and perhaps a Dumas the Cat Memorial throw rug, to replace the carpet she destroyed in the later years of her life. I can only hope that when God calls me, I can go like her, curled up in a fetal position on the living room floor in front of a heating vent.”

Mr. Gramiak would like to stress that it was a natural death, and not the result of an accidental mix of assorted prescription medication and anti-depressants, as has been suggested in the gutter press.

There will be no official ceremony to mark Dumas’ passing, but there may be a wake during the summer, if there is the potential to have a barbecue and get gifts out of the deal.

PLEASE NOTE, THIS IS NOT A REQUEST FOR A “REPLACEMENT” ANIMAL. So if you are looking to get rid of cats, kittens, puppies, dogs, lizards, guinea pigs, hamsters or small children, KEEP THEM!

And to all of those who dislike cats, or question the orientation of their owners, or find fault with those who own them, Mr. Gramiak wishes them to believe him to be very sincere when he says, “Go F*** Yourselves.”

In lieu of donations, Mr. Gramiak requests that you hug your pet, or someone else’s pet.

The Cat is Dead! Long Live Dumas The Cat!

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[Mood|
Sad]
[Music| RENT ~ Finale B]
[Location|Home]

i has a sad, itteh bitteh kitteh committeh

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